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Thread: First date since break up

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by MissingKay
    Or it could be the effect of years being in an emotionally abusive relationship as to why I was feeling the way I did when I posted?...i.e. not necessarily because I'm not ready to move on yet.

    I'll admit I'm not 100% healed (I'm still in therapy), but that's more other issues like increasing my self esteem, not because I still have feelings for my ex.

    Just to be clear, I have NO intentions to hurt anybody!!! I've just been through it myself and wouldn't wish it on anyone not even my enemy.
    You may not INTENTIONALLY do it but you will do it because you are emotionally broken right now. Emotionally broken people cannot give fully to a whole person. Also emotionally broken people tend to attract people who will use them. You can not attract someone who is whole and giving. Those type of people will run for the hills when they see you are feeling insecure about yourself. Only other broken people will stick around.

    It does not make for a very gratifying relationship in the end. A year from now or even sooner you will be in the same place that you are right now but it will feel worse.

    If I met a man who had your internal doubts and insecurities I would run in the opposite direction.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member BigKK's Avatar
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    I know people who go on dates the same week they break up, to "help." In my experience, they're always the ones with unresolved baggage because they reinvest all their feelings in someone else. This ends up being a merry-go-round of baggage and issues.

    If I was dating a girl and found out that a little over a month ago she got out of a long term relationship that was abusive with cheating. I'd take it as a red flag, and consider finding a better candidate.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissingKay
    Or it could be the effect of years being in an emotionally abusive relationship as to why I was feeling the way I did when I posted?...i.e. not necessarily because I'm not ready to move on yet.

    I'll admit I'm not 100% healed (I'm still in therapy), but that's more other issues like increasing my self esteem, not because I still have feelings for my ex.

    Just to be clear, I have NO intentions to hurt anybody!!! I've just been through it myself and wouldn't wish it on anyone not even my enemy.
    Whichever way you try to swing it, you are not ready to date. If you were in an emotionally abusive relationship then you have all the more reason to take some much needed time out. No-one would expect you to be 100% healed yet. Your self esteem is low because of your emotionally abusive relationship. However, unless you don't want to repeat the pattern you have a lot of work to do on yourself (and with the help of your therapist) before you are able to make the right choices when it comes to relationships. Rely on others to give you confidence or to provide you with happiness will not work in the long run.

    As has been said, you might not intentionally want to hurt anybody .... but you may well do because you are not emotionally available to anyone.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BigKK
    I know people who go on dates the same week they break up, to "help." In my experience, they're always the ones with unresolved baggage because they reinvest all their feelings in someone else. This ends up being a merry-go-round of baggage and issues.

    If I was dating a girl and found out that a little over a month ago she got out of a long term relationship that was abusive with cheating. I'd take it as a red flag, and consider finding a better candidate.

    Same here! I am on the look out for rebounders, though they won't always admit it. I would rather not spend my time helping someone feel distracted from their unresolved grief of a break up.

    When you are grieving and looking to for someone to help you feel better about yourself, you are not in a position to offer the other person very much, if anything.

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  6. #25
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    Update:

    First of all – thank you all for your advice/comments both positive and negative. Just want to clarify again that I was not intending to hurt anyone or was seeking to “improve” my confidence by dating. I genuinely felt ready to move on in my love life, though it seems too soon, I could only go with what felt right to me.

    So, I did go on the date this weekend and I am happy I did. The guy was as lovely in person as he has been online. Conversation and laughter flowed effortlessly and we both really enjoyed each other’s company and had quite a lot in common. The date was a bit longer than advised for a first date 7.5hrs as he travelled 3hrs to get to me. So seemed silly to travel all that way for a coffee date, also the weather was great so we just explore and the time flew by.

    So all in all a great success and I would definitely like to see him again if he asked. If he doesn’t feel the same, I had a wonderful day regardless of what happens next.

    I do have some questions:

    1. We didn’t discuss going on a second date during date, but he emailed me (via dating site) to let me know he arrived home safely and thanked me for my time and that he had a great time. Does that mean he is not interested in a second date?
    2. We’ve now been in contact for 3-4 weeks (almost daily), but he has yet to ask for my phone number or move the conversation off the site. Before meeting in person we were strangers so I wouldn’t have wanted to exchange either and was comfortable getting to know him via dating site messages. Now that we have met in person, would it be normal if we continue to communicate via dating site? I don’t want to offer my number up as I feel that will be too forward and I get the vibe from him that he is old school and would see it as the man’s role to ask.
    3. From what I have described and your own experiences/observations does he sound interested?

    Thank you in advance for your advice/comments

  7. #26
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
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    Not discussing a 2nd date on the first date, nor in the following email via dating sight ---- sounds like not interested. In addition, your travel distance is HUGE.

    Not moving off the dating site for connection ---- also not a good sign.

  8. #27
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    Not looking great is it? Based on those factors anyway.

    If that is the case then I'm okay with it. It would be nice to be told, but if not, actions will speak loud enough soon enough.
    Last edited by MissingKay; 09-28-2015 at 11:16 AM. Reason: Wrong spelling

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by MissingKay
    Not looking great is it? Based on those factors anyway.

    If that is the case then I'm okay with it. It would be nice to be told, but if not, actions will speak loud enough soon enough.
    I would say also not a great sign unfortunately. About 99% of the guys I've gone on second dates with have either asked to schedule a second date while on the first or asked within the next 1-2 days, and definitely asked for my phone number. You'll find out within the next couple days but usually guys who are super interested make it well known that they are.

    Either way, sounds like you had a good time and if nothing else it was a good experience to put you back out into the dating world. Good luck!

  10. #29
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    Thank you for your message snf23.

    I definitely take the positives from the experience. I had a good day and wouldn't have changed any of it. I hope he feels the same and I guess I'll find out soon enough.

  11. #30
    Gold Member Coldarmy13's Avatar
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    I wouldn't put too much thought into this guy. Lovely as he was to you, he is three hours away. Best case, could you handle a LDR? I know for me, I could never get involved in a LDR, just isn't enough for me when there are going to be closer options eventually. Do you think there would be trust issues lingering from previous relationships?

    I don't know, id be a bit weirded out by someone that would drive 3 hours for a first date. To me, would seem like maybe he was hoping to hook up, IE not asking about future dates or your number.

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