Need some help

It's been a little over 2 months since my breakup. 29 years old. Dated for 6 years and was left for another guy last year. She came running back shortly after with the terrible mistake line. We got back together. Things were good, then average, then she did it again. She left me for another guy, not even the same one as before. I've been doing well over the past month. I've been keeping busy, getting into some older hobbies that I've dropped over the years. I've also started some new ones. I've started bi-weekly therapy sessions to help with the healing.

The past few days have been awful. For some reason I feel like she just broke up with me yesterday. I don't know what's happened. I don't know if it's the fact that all my other friends are in happy relationships and ready to get married or that I'm really missing her. The last contact was a nasty text saying how she's so happy she's done with me because I didn't wish her a happy birthday. it was the "icing on the cake" that she needed. That text was several weeks ago. I'm now replaying that in my mind. I don't want to continue playing the victim role but she walked all over me. She used me for money, support, a roof over her head and then she just kicks me to the curb not once, but TWICE! I'm raw with emotions this week. What's wrong with me? Why didn't she love me? I wanted to be married and to be starting a family by now like all my other friends. Now I'm alone with a long road of healing ahead of me while she is living her life with the new guy.

I feel like I was the nice guy that got walked all over and now I'm picking up the pieces. How can I come back from this? My friends just tell me to forget her, she was no good, and to go find someone else. I don't think they understand the damage she's done to me by leaving my twice, taking a bunch of money and using me for so many things. It's like I'm on the ground and she keeps kicking me. My other post talks about how I hired an attorney for a DUI she got a few months back. I paid without hesitation. Took care of all the paperwork and spoke to the atty myself. She only lost her license for a few months and got the charges dropped down. Now she's driving around since she got her license back yet she still hasn't paid me. I'm so sad this week and so mad at myself for being so stupid to let this happen to me.

I really thought I was doing well. All the right things to cope with healing. Now I just feel like I'm right back to the beginning.

There's been quite a few similar threads here and some good advice.

Things will get better. You just can't see it now. Recovery often is one step forward and ten back but it doesn't last forever.

My friends just tell me to forget her, she was no good, and to go find someone else. I don't think they understand the damage she's done to me by leaving my twice, taking a bunch of money and using me for so many things. It's like I'm on the ground and she keeps kicking me.

I completely understand, and as great as your friends' intentions might be, they are not in your situation. I'm experiencing that right now, although my situation is different. Nothing hurts more than "forget her, find somebody else," etc. Gee, if it was that easy would I really be suffering so much?! You say they probably don't understand the damage she did, and no, I'm sure they don't. In fact, who can really understand something that painful unless they've been through it? I cannot imagine how much you must be hurting, and all I can do is repeat the poster above me who said that it WILL get better one day. It's funny because I keep hearing that from people and I hate hearing it so much. But I do know that it's true, and of course, I don't hesitate to advise other people by saying that.

You'll get better, you will. I suggest you take plenty of time to mourn, and please, recognize that you have been hurt VERY, VERY badly. You are going to hurt for a long time as a result of it, longer than had it been a simple breakup (which is hard enough) but it will not hurt forever. A good friend of mine keeps telling me, and I am also two months into a terrible breakup, that right now I'm on the inside looking out but that one day I will be on the outside looking in. Keep posting here, too. Let us know how you're doing. You've got this.

Yes, I've been through the same myself: twice. Gosh, I wish this board was around then. I know many of us break-up veterans appear to glibly trot out the old clichés but I can assure you that most of them are true.

When I had my first big break-up we were married. I made just about every mistake imaginable, except check her out on social media because it didn't exist in those days! Like many here who are facing their first big break-up, I thought that the worst would happen and I would simply never remarry. I did and went on to have a daughter.

I remember clinging on to any possible shred of hope that we might get back together. Gosh the brewers and distillers made a lot of money from me. It is hard to accept it is over and it's even more hard to build a new life after a break-up.

My 2nd big break-up was easier because we weren't married and I had the confidence that I'd survived the first one.

It's not about forgiving yourself or not forgiving yourself, it's about deciding whether you want to view yourself as being in school or in a club.

When we're in a club, we bond with others over common experiences and we view ourselves through our 'stories' and we're loyal to remaining in that place, sometimes for life.

When we're in a school, we learn and grow and bond with people who strive for the same goals, and we graduate.

You get to decide whether you want to grow from learning through trial and error so that you can move forward with confidence that what you've learned will serve you. You can't do that if you view yourself at the mercy of anyone else's good or bad behavior--you can only view your own mistakes through a lens of what it has taught you, which is a success no matter how you slice it.

Avoiding a victim mentality isn't about concern for how others will view that label, it's about deciding for yourself how you'll want to navigate going forward. If you adopt victimhood, you will only see yourself at the mercy of predators and your future will be filled with fear and insecurity. If you view yourself as having taken the long road and the hard way to learn some valuable lessons that will serve you going forward, then your future will be open to the best possible experiences and outcomes.

Nobody else can make this choice for you. It's your decision.

You're in the middle of a storm man, and a pretty big one by the looks of it. You'll see "the light" when the emotions calm down a bit, and when they intensify you kind of lose sight of it and feel like you're back to the beginning. Try not to navigate when it's intense and move towards "the light" when it's calmer. Stuff like this is always tough but you'll make it. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you all. There's so much more to add to this story but it's not worth rehashing. The point of it is that I feel that all recent events during and since the breakup have been negative. I can't seem to catch a break no matter how hard I try to heal. Quick example: Our mutual best friends have mentioned to me they are moving close to my ex (she now lives in her home state) because he was awarded a job. Now I find out that they are moving to the exact same town! Even though they've made a great effort of remaining friends with me (I knew them before my ex did) I can't believe this is happening. I don't give them any grief about it. In fact I tell them I'm happy for them since it's a great start for their new family. But I can't help but feel terrible knowing that I'm on the outside now distance wise. I know they'll hang out with her and her new guy constantly. I'll just end up the friend that visits when possible. All we talked about for so many years is how we wanted to live close to each other and have children at similar times, etc. And now, my ex leaves me but she gets that wish granted. They are going to be neighbors. UGH. I just can't seem to catch a break.

She reached out again. I know, I know, I should've blocked her on my phone but I still haven't done so. I have everywhere else. She texted me on Saturday night saying "Hey can I talk to you for a minute? I need to tell you something about (her uncle)." Then another a few minutes later saying... "I just need to tell you some stuff, to help you out." After that I get an e-mail about a half hour later saying the same thing but starting out saying that she's not sure if I blocked her or not. I obviously ignored it. The next morning she texts me again and says "ummm ok, nevermind then." I've ignored. As hurt as I am I really have no desire to respond since I know what the result is going to be. My question is why? Her last contact was a nasty text about me not wishing her a happy birthday and that she is "so glad she's done with me." Why is she still reaching out? I found out (accidentally) that she was at a cousins wedding on Saturday. I was at a concert with my friend his gf and her friend. I think she posted something and potentially my ex saw it. This is my only guess why she made a weird attempt at getting in touch.

I guess I'm just trying to understand this. Why is she reaching out again? I've ignored her for the past 3 or so attempts to get in touch. Can someone clarify why she still feels the need to talk to me?

Because she needs an ego boost and thinks it's ok to remain friends. The "dumper" has already processed the breakup so emotionally their fine talking as "old friends" and can't comprehend your pain. My ex wife did the same crap, getting my hopes up with meaningless texts, which to her meant nothing but always stopped my heart. She needs to sleep in the bed she made and understand you aren't the shoulder to cry on anymore about her uncle or any other crap going on in her life. Let her feel missing you. That's really the only way if you don't want to get hurt. I l know what you're going through, it will get better.

Update 2 weeks later... I've been doing ok. Keeping busy and the ups seem like they are occurring more than the downs. Ultimately it's been 3 months since the breakup and nearly 2 months of NC and ignoring her. But unfortunately I was told by a friend of some news in her life. I didn't want to hear it, but she thought she had to tell me. She posted a picture of her and her new guy on a Caribbean cruise last week. It stings a little knowing that they've only been dating a few months and are already going on vacations after I dated her for 6 years. But the other part of that is the money she owes me for getting her out of her DUI. The last thing she said to me was that she can "only afford 100 every other week, times have been tough lately." But she's on a vacation? People have said that "maybe he paid" and "at least she's paying you." I don't even think it's the money that bothers me. Its the constant disrespect that I've gotten from her inside and even outside the relationship. She'll just let the 100 dollars every other week go on and on but go out and live her life how she pleases. After I was so generous and supportive in helping her get through a bad time. I just feel like the piece of **** person that she walks all over and can dictate how or when she decides to pay me back.

I haven't contacted her obviously. I don't want to talk to her. Add I know if i did it would get extremely ugly and I would rather avoid that at all costs. I think my only option is to keep the NC and let her pay me as she pleases. But I feel so disrespected and taken advantage of. That's such a ty feeling on top of getting my heart broken.

I would inform ALL of your friends that you absolutely do NOT want any updates of any kind about her. I had to say the same thing to my friends. Honestly, even hearing his name pissed me off. I just wanted to move on as if he did not exist anymore.

I'm sorry she is dragging out the payment, but you're getting paid. I would not worry about how she spends her money, that is a dead end road. Really, the only way you can expedite the payments would be to take her to civil court. I have a feeling that would be more trouble than it's worth.

I know you felt like she treated you terribly, and I agree, she did. But, you have to find that self esteem and self respect for yourself. You seem like you're doing a great job, even with some minor set backs. Keep moving forward. I'm glad your days are starting to be mostly good! That's great!!

^that. At least she is paying you back... Do tell your friends any time they're about to spill the new beans, that you don't want to hear anything about her. You feel wronged, but this also should give you even more reason to keep moving on. Do you really want to be with "that" person?

I have zero interest in getting back with her. I feel sad and miss the companionship but recognize how unstable she is. Less than 3 months after a breakup from a 6 year relationship and she's off on a cruise with another guy? Gross. No thank you.

I'm just tired of being disrespected by this girl. I was extremely supportive in every way and she's still dictating the terms. I feel like her dragging the payments out is a way to keep me around and not close the book. If she really wanted to cut ties and move on respectfully she would've borrowed money from a family member or get a small loan to pay off the debt. It isn't like this is paying me back for some dinners I bought her, it was to get her out of legal trouble. Now she's out of the trouble enjoying life and I'm still suffering. I don't like being her no interest bank while she's out partying and cruising around the Caribbean. I guess it just shows her character.

Unfortunately, it seems like you're still letting her dictate your mood.

Never mind about her and her cruise. It has nothing to do with you.

Better to focus on you, not her and what she's doing and who she's doing it with.

She's out of your life. You're in your life. Guess who's more important?

Unfortunately, it seems like you're still letting her dictate your mood.

 

Never mind about her and her cruise. It has nothing to do with you.

 

Better to focus on you, not her and what she's doing and who she's doing it with.

 

She's out of your life. You're in your life. Guess who's more important?

You're right. I'm still letting her dictate my mood and I shouldn't. I am doing well otherwise. I've ignored all her attempts to contact me. I guess this just got to me since I'm tired of being disrespected. I will forget her and whatever she's doing in her life and concentrate on mine. I have a great support system and I know that I am a good and loyal person. I know I'll find someone in the future that will treat me the way I deserve to. In the meantime, NC continues.

You're right. I'm still letting her dictate my mood and I shouldn't. I am doing well otherwise. I've ignored all her attempts to contact me. I guess this just got to me since I'm tired of being disrespected. I will forget her and whatever she's doing in her life and concentrate on mine. I have a great support system and I know that I am a good and loyal person. I know I'll find someone in the future that will treat me the way I deserve to. In the meantime, NC continues.

Exes always have a way of getting under our skin with anything that they do. That's why the NC is so good for us. What we don't know (and don't hear from overreaching friends) can't hurt us. Keep on the path you're going down and don't even give her the dignity of having an ounce of control over your feelings!

Exes always have a way of getting under our skin with anything that they do. That's why the NC is so good for us. What we don't know (and don't hear from overreaching friends) can't hurt us. Keep on the path you're going down and don't even give her the dignity of having an ounce of control over your feelings!

Great advice. I feel better. I'm happy that she lives in another state now. I don't have to worry about the potential run in. I can really keep NC going as long as none of my friends feel the need to tell me anything. The only thing that bothers me is that I find myself thinking about her and the situation all the time. It really seems to consume my mind even though the pain has pretty and anxiousness has gone away. When does that stop happening? I really don't want her coming in and out of my mind anymore. I guess 3 months out of a 6 year relationship is too soon. I'm just very eager to get over this.

Great advice. I feel better. I'm happy that she lives in another state now. I don't have to worry about the potential run in. I can really keep NC going as long as none of my friends feel the need to tell me anything. The only thing that bothers me is that I find myself thinking about her and the situation all the time. It really seems to consume my mind even though the pain has pretty and anxiousness has gone away. When does that stop happening? I really don't want her coming in and out of my mind anymore. I guess 3 months out of a 6 year relationship is too soon. I'm just very eager to get over this.

Welcome to the club!! I still think of my ex often, even though I'm 100% sure that I do not want a reconciliation. I think this stems from having them be so prevalent in your life for so long. It's hard for your mind to create new things to focus on, when that's been the center of your world for so long.

My thoughts are beginning to be more neutral and it's not emotion that the thoughts bring up, they're just there. It's strange how you think about it and yet, you're not affected by it. That means you're moving on.

I explained it earlier to someone like, when I picture my ex and our lives, it's like they're all encased in a picture frame, accross the room, hung on a far wall. It's not something I can entirely ignore, but it's not something that I can focus on or draw any sort of material emotion from. It's like it's still there, but it's not the movie playing in the IMAX theater. It's inanimate and benign.

I'm a visual person so I like to visualize putting my ex in a room and locking the door. I usually just crumble him up (in my mind) and throw him in a room, locking the door and walking away. It's a good exercise for memories that come up, that you don't want to affect you.

I couldn't agree more. It's a strange feeling but you nailed it. It's only been 3 months but it doesn't feel right in front of me. It's distant but yet I still can't completely ignore the thoughts. And the thoughts that I have (other than finding out about the cruise) don't affect me much emotionally. I really can't wait for that to end. I know it will, but when is the question. It seems like every part of my life has a thought of her in it. I go to the market to get groceries, I automatically think of her telling me to check all the labels on the back. I go for a run in the morning, I think of us running through the same streets just a few months ago. The season is changing and I have some household chores that I'm doing. I think of her as I'm cleaning out the gardens and flower beds. There's not a whole lot of sadness and emotion anymore. She's just there.

I completely understand. I'm not over this most recent breakup, but I am over my divorce, which was final 2 and a half years ago. We were together for over 8 years total. We lived together a whole lot of that time and were the couple that does everything together, just like you and your ex. It was like that for a long time, for me. Everything on the earth seemed to remind me of him. I practically spent my whole adult life with him. I didn't remember a whole lot of my life without him!

I found out about this time 2 years ago that he was still seeing the girl he cheated on me with for a year. She actually started messaging me for advice on the relationship. Like, what? She turned out to be a complete nut job and stalked both of us for a couple of months. Anyways, at the time, we were probably 6 months post-breakup and I honestly didn't even care. I would say it took about 5 months to not have those recurring memories about small things, like you were talking about. They would pop up occasionally, but I already had replaced many of them with new memories so it was just background noise. Give it a few more months, friend!!

We both went through some awful things. It really helps to hear that you were able to move on after 5 months. I hope that I'm there at that time. Some days I feel fine but now today I don't feel that great. I start to wonder if she's thinking of me or what she's feeling about the situation. I wonder why she's tried to contact me every few weeks but then radio silence. I have zero interest in getting back with her but I still have the want to know how she's feeling. But I know, it doesn't matter. I have nothing to do with her anymore. I guess it's just a blah day.

Feeling a little low the past 2 days. Did some house work this weekend and cleaned out a lot of stuff. Threw away everything that may have been hers or reminded me of her. I seem to keep finding things around the house. I guess I just never did a deep cleaning of junk drawers and storage closets since she left. It didn't feel as exciting as I thought it would throwing them away. I know she will be in the area next weekend for a wedding. She invited me before the breakup. I can't help to think she might be down here with her new guy going to the wedding now. I really want the lows to go away. I can't believe I actually still feel bad about her after all how terrible she treated me. Makes me feel so weak that I miss her. I'm trying to make plans for this upcoming weekend but everyone is so busy. Hopefully something will come together so I can do my best to keep my mind off her being in town for the wedding.

Hopefully something will come together so I can do my best to keep my mind off her being in town for the wedding.

Why not leave town for the weekend? Go visit family or friends somewhere, or just pick a place to go play and do it.

Why not leave town for the weekend? Go visit family or friends somewhere, or just pick a place to go play and do it.

Definitely going to do that. Unfortunately no matter how far I go the feeling never goes away. Still unsure why I'm feeling so low about this lately. I've been moving forward but now I feel stuck. Maybe it's the change in seasons. Who know. Hate feeling like I want to talk to her after all that's been done to me. She moved on. It's over. That's what I keep repeating to myself.

Definitely going to do that. Unfortunately no matter how far I go the feeling never goes away. Still unsure why I'm feeling so low about this lately. I've been moving forward but now I feel stuck. Maybe it's the change in seasons. Who know. Hate feeling like I want to talk to her after all that's been done to me. She moved on. It's over. That's what I keep repeating to myself.

It's a cycle that goes up and down, but mostly up as the time goes on. You are doing fine.