Going forward - after confessing your feelings to your best friend

Hello,

I'm (27) in a situation where I'm uncertain about how to go forward, because my head and heart say very different things.

The gist of the situation is - I've been friends with this girl (27) for the past five years, since university. Initially I was slightly attracted to her, but I didn't think she was the one so I didn't pursue it much. She was in a relationship with a guy then who in my opinion was extremely possessive and manipulative. I did point it out to her, and she admitted she felt the same sometimes, however he also shared some pretty great memories with her, and for all his possessiveness and manipulations, it was because he cared about her and loved her.

She's also a very caring person, and as a consequence is usually very reticent to hurt people or break up with them.

Over the five years that I've been friends with her - our friendship has grown very deeply, as we share very similar values and outlooks on life, and have shared a lot of secrets, insecurities and those niggling things that aren't easily shared with others.

I'm usually a person that is very closeted about my feelings and myself, however she's the one person I'm comfortable talking to about anything and everything. Over time she has gone from being a friend, to a relative best friend (best friend compared to existing friends) and to an absolute best friend. She's the person that if I talk to when I'm really depressed, can somehow make it all go away, simply by listening. I'm not sure how, but everything that gets me down in the world just vanishes when I'm spending time with her. She also feels the same way about me, and says that she tells me things that she doesn't share with her family and that she really feels like she's herself with me. She also feels that I always cheer her up and she loves me as a friend.

Lately I had begun to want to spend more time with her, and somehow it feels different but in many ways as a natural progression. I feel something that's everlasting in how our relationship is, and I feel I want her to remain in my life forever. I feel as though I passionately care about her, I want to be the person that's there for her, always and to make her smile and laugh on each day that gets her down. I also desperately want us to be together, and I can feel that if it would happen, it would be the most amazing thing that could happen to both of us.

I had summoned the courage to tell her my feelings, and after telling her, I gave her space to crystallise her feelings and decide what needed to be done. She somehow believes, that I don't love her, and that I'm simply being caring, and says she prefers we remain friends. Knowing her, she's also inclined for things to be the way they were, without this complication for her. She also pointed out things I did say that put her off me, which I did when trying to distance it when thinking she wasn't the one. So she seems convinced I don't know my feelings and that it's not true.

I haven't argued that point too much - because it would put unnecessary pressure for her and sometimes, when someone believes what they do, its' best to give them space, although I did clearly point out that I knew how I felt.

I've taken a lot of space from her since then - and from calling, texting everyday, the distance between our conversations has increased significantly.

However these feelings still remain and I'm confused as to what to do going forward. My head says that I'm going to keep making myself vulnerable, and since she definitely doesn't feel the same way, and because some vital aspects of our personalities are different it wouldn't work and to stop spending time with her.

Yet we've both become so close to each other I know if I stopped being friends with her, it would be devastating for her. Further when I was in a really bad place and she helped me I gave her a promise to always be there for her. And I do not want to go back on my word, and I never have done so with a friend. And somehow I can't conceive of ending things with her, because what we have is something that's really special.

But I also know how it's tugs at me, everytime she's in a new relationship, because I can see the guy isn't right for her, because in a lot of instances - they've cared about a trophy than about her as a person. Also it tugs me, because a jealous part of me wants to be that guy, wants to be the guy who kisses her, who sleeps with her and who loves her. And each time guy that she sees, makes that possibility even further, and having told her, makes it impossible.

The other issue is that our friendship was strongly driven to it's progression by my feelings that were latent, but still strong enough. If I was to put those feelings aside I don't know whether our friendship would remain, and yet if it didn't it would devastate her, and I couldn't really do that.

My heart wouldn't mind the pain, as long as it got to see her each day, and to keep making her happy. It feels intensely that it wants to make her happy, even if it keeps hurting, because it just loves seeing her happy. Plus it hopes that one day, things will turn for the better.

My head however knows that it isn't healthy to keep doing that, and that it holds me back from exploring other relationships and that there is no point dedicating it to a dead end. Plus it points out reasons that are significant that explain why we shouldn't be together - which my heart knows but is willing to disregard because of how it feels.

I'm looking for advice on where to go from here - I'm a bit clouded, because when I see her, I start going with what my head says, until my heart takes over.

Sorry for the essay!

It's good that you told her how you feel. She has dismissed you being a romantic partner, so at least you know the answer now. Basically, one day you will find a lifetime partner. She won't be okay with you being best friends with a woman you wanted more from. Many women won't accept their partner having an opposite sex best friend, even if they are like siblings. In your twenties, it's common to have close friends of the opposite sex when people are single or aren't in serious relationships. Those friendships usually go to the back burner when one or both get in a serious romantic relationship.

You made a promise in your youth, not having the life experience to know the consequences of that. Relieve yourself from that duty. You were there for each other at one time in your lives and that's great. That time is over. You need to do what's best for yourself. Either continue to distance yourself gradually from her, or tell her you need to end the relationship for your own good. Sure, she may be upset, but life is like that. Do you really think her future bf will be okay with her being so close to a guy who has a crush on her? You'll be shoved to the back burner when that happens anyway. Best to do it now on your own terms. Take care.

Yet we've both become so close to each other I know if I stopped being friends with her, it would be devastating for her

I think it would devastate you more. She is continuing on with her life, dating others and you still have the torch in your hand.

You made a promise that will be impossible to keep. Your future wife will not want you to be the knight in shining armor for this lass. Accept now that you feelings are not reciprocated. And accept what you have acknowledged ---- that your quiet unspoken love is the fuel that has kept this friendship alive. Now that you are restricting the fuel flow ---- the friendship will fade away. As it should.

She doesn't believe that you only care for her. She knows you love her. She simply tells herself that to 1) cope for the fact your friendship is pretty much a farce (you've had feelings for her this entire time) and 2) justify keeping you around and receiving your attention without feeling guilty.

You know how you feel. You know you won't get over these feelings while you're still pursuing this "friendship."

Do yourself a favor and move on. She'll be just fine.

You gave it a shot and lost nothing...at least you don't have to keep wondering.Try to see it this way; atleast she didn't string you along and play with your feelings she came right out and said she doesn't feel anything romantic towards you. Go out and meet new women. Be courageous and approach girls on the street. Introduce yourself, bring energy and value to the table. I'm sure you will find a girl who will be an even better fit for you.

A lot of what has been discussed are things I do not generally disagree with. I do have concerns that what Adrina has said before will be true - that I'll be shoved to the back burner when she's in a new relationship that's more serious.

To a degree this happened when she was with the first guy I referenced above - a lot of times, when I needed her as a friend the other guy came first. However I'm also aware that he was often manipulative enough that he would make arrangements, when he knew she was planning to see me, and made the cost of changing it quite high - such as booking train tickets on the day we were going to meet etc. Still she got annoyed with him eventually when this happened too much. I wouldn't lie and say that I was the sole reason - but because of his habit of in her own words 'forcing a relationship' she eventually broke up with him. However during this time, our friendship continued to grow.

In subsequent relationships, she does note former guy was caring in his own way. However with subsequent guys, she has ended up meeting or spending time with me - as much as those guys and by her own admission more. We've done a lot of things together, just the two of us.

I had expressed similar sentiments to what has been voiced above, and she herself has made a promise that she would never let me go to the back burner and that what we have is special and there isn't anything like it. She has also demonstrated this, when she's been in a relationship with the last two guys for a somewhat long period of time - half a year.

I also have this feeling, that to cut her out of my life is something that feels itself wrong, because what we have feels a bit too right. With other girls I've cut out of my life, I always knew that it couldn't work or that this had to be the end of it. However with her, I can't really express, but it just feels right. And I know this sounds really cliche, and naive, but to cut her out feels a bit like cutting a part of my own self out.

We've also acknowledged that with the amount of time we've spent - just the two of us together, that somehow we are becoming quite similar - something we both feel.

For these reasons alone, I'm wondering if perhaps what we have, can over time grow into something else - maybe a different kind of relationship?

Or am I being naive in believing this?

The truth is I'm not entirely confident that cutting her out will be a good idea - while it's been a tough but clear decision in previous instances, in this particular one - something just niggles. Previously, with other girls, it was clear they didn't in the end value me as me but as a back up option, and so I cut it out. It was tough because of my feelings for them, but I also knew I was worth enough to not be someone's tag along.

The thing that gives me hope in a way is her refusal to believe I love her. She has mentioned she loves me before, but I knew when she said it she didn't mean it romantically. Yet I know how much of a struggle it is for her to say that as well.

Also she has said she understands if I need space from her, and she's given that to me, but I keep seeing her trying to get in touch with me. And while I mean she would be devastated, it's because she says I have a really important part in her life. In fact in one instance I was doing something a bit risky and vanished from her sight and mutual friends for a while. And I heard later how she was really crying and scared about it, although she wouldn't tell me about it.

Somehow it just feels wrong to cut her out. But I'm not sure if I'm being clear on this or my heart is clouding my judgement and using all sorts of justifications.

Plus with me, I rarely make promises like this, and if I do, that's binding for me unless she relieves me of it. She would if she knew it hurt me, I know her well enough to say that. But in a way if I've given my word, and I break it myself, it means I don't have integrity - something that's important to me, and makes anything else I say quite meaningless.

Sorry for making stuff more complicated though. I appreciate everyone taking time out to try and help me.

It isn't more complicated. You cannot give her up and she likes your adoration.

Perhaps reading about codependency and limerence will give you a different perspective.

I think if you dont want to giver up, dont!

Are you preventing yourself getting with other girls? Do you feel like shes holding you back in this way? Because I think in that sense theres a whole different problem. But I dont think you should just "move on" from her because she doesnt want to be in a more serious relationship. I think you need to decide whether you want to be there for her as a friend and let your other feelings go, or you cant stay friends with her if she doesnt feel the same way. I have alot of friends who have at one point or another felt things for eachother but by talking it through have realised that keeping a friendship is worth it and have managed to move on romantically whilst still being friends. It isnt an easy thing to go through but it can happen.

You seem to care for her alot. If she's made it clear she doesnt want anything more ever than I think you could take some time to look after yourself in terms of your romanctic feelings but still stay her friend and just explain that it mght take some time but you can work through it. I hope you are ok.

mhowe - how do you see the co-dependence here? I'm not necessarily sure I do - but I'm not denying that my vision may be clouded by how I feel.

moleinahole - Have your friends talked through their feelings with each other? Cause I did a few times, but she's indicated she doesn't want to discuss the subject anymore.

How I feel about not being able to discuss it, is that if I can't make sense of it and we both can't get to a place which is mutually acceptable - then I feel, that this is only going to build and ending things unfortunately will be the only option.

However I'm also aware that discussing this might be uncomfortable for her, and it may sound (and it probably would at many times) like I'm trying to convince her why it would work.

I've tried getting some space from her, but seeing stuff, like her like her ex-boyfriends posts on FB (whom she still has feelings for) and her current bf's still hits me, and really gets me down.

You do not need to get to a place that is mutually acceptable. Most break ups are one sided.

Co-dependence is about not being able to let go of a relationship, even when you know the other party has walked away. You are trying all stops to remain in her life, when she is moving on and living hers.

Just wanted to update - 3years hence.

Thanks for the words - it actually was harsh, but real and I know you were right all along. And the harsh truth helped expose the truth of the situation. So thank you.

You'll be shoved to the back burner when that happens anyway. Best to do it now on your own terms. Take care.

Thanks for this. 3 years hence, I've obviously moved way on - but the comment above quite starkly made the point to take control of the situation. So thank you.