Boyfriend won't have sex with me anymore...and won't talk about it

My boyfriend, "Josh", and I are both in our late twenties and we've been living together for 5 years. I would say that Josh has always had a pretty normal sex drive. We used to have sex anywhere between 2-5 times a week on average and he would always do things like tell me how sexy I am, touch me in a sexual way, etc.

 

A few months ago I noticed that we only had sex once the whole entire month! I thought that maybe he wanted me to start initiating more so that's what I started doing. Then I noticed that every time I touched him in a sexual way he would tell me that "he's tired", "he's not in the mood", "he's not feeling well". I finally caught on that he just didn't want to have sex anymore. I finally asked him about it and he got really defensive and didn't want to talk about it. He told me that "he's just not been feeling it" and "when he's in the mood I'll know it". He also told me to stop initiating because I'm making it worse. So I stopped initiating sex.

 

The next month we ended up having sex again ONE time! I finally had another conversation with him. I was very patient and kind and asked him if I should stop taking my birth control because it makes me feel sick and I don't feel like taking it anymore if I don't need to anyway. He told me not to stop taking it and that he still wants to have sex. Well, the same thing happened yet again.

 

Now a week ago I finally told him that this is the last chance and if we don't have sex this time I will not take my birth control anymore. I asked him very kindly if there is any kind of medical issue going on. He said no. I tried asking him calmly if he is interested in or seeing someone else. He said no. I asked him if there is anything I can do to make him more interested in sex. He said no. He then told me to take the pill this month and that it would be worth it. Well...it's now been a week already since this conversation and no sex at all! He hugs me, kisses, cuddles me, touches my breasts, takes me out, spends time with me. He will not touch anywhere near my lower private area, let me touch him "there", no longer makes any sort of sexual innuendo with me, and ignores it when I do to him. I send him a text message the other day saying how horny I was and he ignored it the whole day! When I finally confronted him about it he just said "you're so silly" and changed the topic

 

I finally broke down the other night and told him that I really miss that connection with him and I'm not "just horny", but I really miss being close with him. He told me that it will change, but I don't see any sort of difference. I really want to talk with him again this weekend, but I don't know what else to say. He also told me that talking about it makes it worse for him, but I am really feeling hurt and confused at this point. I'm not overweight, I go to the gym and eat healthy, I am 100 pounds and toned. I wear nice clothing and love to do my makeup and hair. I have no other ideas and our relationship is really nice except for the lack of sex. It is really affecting my self-esteem and I feel lonely. Please help!

have you considered breaking up with him? if you're not getting something that is very important to you, it may be time to have that kind of conversation with him if he isn't doing anything to change things. sorry

I think you need to figure out a way to tell him that lack of sex in your relationship makes you platonic friends.

 

Do you have a life outside of the one you have with him ~ friends, hobbies, sports you're involved in?

Has anything else changed besides his motivation to be sexually intimate?

That's tough. But you need to make sure he understands how much this affects you. If it is not something he is able to give you (even... if it is unwillingly, but for your sake), then that's a problem.

I'd say it's just a rough patch, but if it's been going on for a few months that's a bit strange... It sounds like your relationship otherwise is good. But it really depends on how important that passion or intimacy is to you? Is it a make or break kind of thing? Even so you'd think he'd at least want to have sex more than once a month... Even then it sounds like it's forced. Good luck in figuring things out.

Also just wanted to add good for you for making so much effort. I don't blame you for being disappointed he isn't reciprocating or showing any interest.

Perhaps he's got a medical problem that he doesnt want to talk to you about. Has he been to his doctor lately? Have you even discussed this possibility?

Does he go to strip clubs? Do you think his interests lye elsewhere?

You don't need to talk to him anymore. All you've done is talk and that's not working.

 

Plus you need to stop listening to his words and start listening to his actions.

 

First, stop asking him for permission - stop taking the pill and let him use a condom the one time a month he comes looking.

 

Or better yet, stop waiting around for him to tell you out loud that this relationship is over and get the message.

 

He's making you into such a fool hanging around waiting for him.

 

Think about that tomorrow when you go to take a pill, willing making yourself feel bad, for this guy who no longer cares about you and your needs.

Thanks for the replies. I wore sexy lingerie to bed last night and absolutely no reaction from him. When I asked him if he liked what I was wearing he said, "yea, it's cool. You look like a hot super hero!" and then ignored me

 

So, I just decided to talk to him one more time tonight because we went all weekend again without sex and it's been eating me up inside. He just told me that he is not at all feeling sexual anymore and he has no need for sex. I asked him (not accused him) if he was having sex or sexual feelings for someone else. He said absolutely not. He once again told me that there is nothing I can do and that I should just stop taking the birth control because he doesn't know if or when he will be ready for sex again. He said he'll let me know when he is. He also told me that he can absolutely not be sexual with me at all and it's hard for him to cuddle with me because he can see that I'm frustrated. It makes him mad that I'm sexually frustrated I guess? He told me that I'm not respecting his feelings.

 

I'm feeling really down after taking to him. He doesn't seem to care at all that this is affecting me. I really don't think he's seeing anyone else because he just goes to work and hangs out with work friends, most times with me there as well. I know all his co-workers and they are all friendly with me and the females are all really nice and in serious relationships or married. I guess he could be cheating, but it would be pretty difficult to hide it this well....

 

About the strip clubs..there aren't any in the area that we live. The closest one is 30 mins away so I don't think he could be going there without me knowing. He has gone to them in the past when he went out with friends and I wasn't too happy about it He also seems to enjoy them a little too much even though I don't think he is currently going to any.

 

I don't know what else to do so I'm just going to give him some space for now and focus on other things. I am also thinking about ending the relationship if this doesn't change. Mostly because he doesn't even seem to care that his lack of intimacy is hurting me. It's just too bad because other than sex (which also USED to be good too) we have a pretty good relationship and lots of fun together.

I guess he could be cheating, but it would be pretty difficult to hide it this well....

Why don't you tell him that you are going to look for a sexual partner and to give you a knock on the spare room door when he's ready to have sex. If you're not out on a date, you'll invite him in?

I have been in the exact same situation as you a few years ago. And from experience, there is nothing more you can do. He has been open and honest about not having any sexual desire and it will not change. You have to make your decision from now. Are you willing to give up sex to be in a relationship with him (which to me, isn't a healthy one), or you're going to have to break up with him.

 

After a while, it's normal to fall into the routine and lose a bit of sexual interest in your partner, but both have to put effort into it and it just seems like he isn't doing anything about it. He's letting his feeling take over and not caring about how you feel. I would let it go. When it happened to me it destroyed my self esteem, I started thinking the problem was me when it clearly wasn't!

Have there been any changes in his life at the time this started?

 

 

But yes, a sexless relationship for me is friendship.

Now that I think about it, this all started around his Birthday. He hasn't wanted sex with me since he turned 28.