I have a very confusing story and need an outside perspective to help me.

Hi everyone.

This will be quiet long but I will try and make it as short as possible without skipping any details.

I am 20 from the UK and my Ex is 17 from Hungary. I knew her for an entire year before we fell in love via a band we both liked and as soon as I added her on Facebook, I had this instant attraction to who she was. This wasn't love, just friendship. But she was troubled. She suffers from Panic attacks, depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts. As I started talking to her about once every week for a couple hours I learnt about these things in her life and I helped her through them. At the time she said I was better than her "real life friends" because I was actually there for her when she needed someone. After a year, I was at University and I was a bit tipsy, I was talking to her and asked what she was doing, she said skyping with her friend. I asked if I could join (no idea why, I didnt even have a skype and had to download it), she said yes, and after that one skype phone call things just set in motion. We started skyping for 8 hours a day, she would "jokingly" say it wasn't enough, she fell for me before I did for her. After 4 days, I fell for her and after a month we made it "official".

We have both had relationships in the past, but what I felt for her, despite the distance and never meeting her when we first made it official, I had never felt closer to someone. She felt the same way with me, we bought out the best in each other. Her suicidal thoughts were tamed by me, so was her self harming. I was the first person she let in to actually discuss feelings (which was a challenge at first). I was the only person she let in to her emotional side, as a friend and as a boyfriend. When we were together in real life things were great, we never argued once. Actually in June at my last visit we were on the PC and she just started looking at me and started crying, I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't want me to leave which really hit me like a wall, it was so powerful.

In July, I had to retake 6 exams at Uni. I've never failed an exam before and to fail 6 at once got to me, I fell into depression for 5 days, didn't smile once. I ended up shouting at (via a facebook message) about her having some other guy play guitar for her whilst she records a song. I know what you are thinking, that's stupid. Yes, it is. And that is the problem. I've never been depressed before and I don't even know what was going on in my head. I was at Uni at the time but after 4 days I got home and she skyped me and said we need to break up, but she was in pieces. I could see she didnt want to do it. She kept telling me that we have to stay friends because i was the best guy she has ever known and that she needs to be close to me. She also said if I did anything to myself she wouldnt cope because she was weak without me. She also told me that she thinks we were meant to find each other and said that if it wasnt for me she wouldnt be here, I saved her life 3 times in 8 months.

After that skype call, for a week she was trying to make sure I was okay but head was messed up. I lost something so perfect because depression made me say something I didn't mean? I was surprised she understood but even more that she still dumped me. I had so many emotions running through my head, sadness, regret, anger, we ended up arguing at for the first time ever I called her a . I didn't mean this at all, this wasn't me. She got sad at first, facebooked my sister telling her she understands I am not myself and said she thought we had something special. The next day however she was angry and kept mention the bad word, this is her defense. Whenever she is sad she turns to anger. I sent her a couple messages after apologising that we should calm down with each other and she said "One more message and I will ban you". I thought she meant because of the message "spam" and not to send her another message on that day. I left her for 4 days, then i asked how she was and she said she was keeping her promise and banning me. She also kept repeating that i called her a and that she will keep her promise. This was a dig at me because I broke a promise of telling her I would never flip out at her for no reason. I always made promises to keep her happy, or safe. They meant something to me too and I only broke one when i was broken myself.

The date she banned me was the 10th August. I haven't heard from her since. Her friend did tell me though that on the 18th August, my ex told her to tell me that if I self harm, she will do the same. This sounds horrible, I know. But I use to say that to her to stop her self harming, it was the only way. I knew she wouldnt want to see me hurt myself and I had to make her realise that it hurts me to see her do it to herself, it worked. Now a week past banning me she is still showing care, in her own way.

As a summary, I helped her through self harm, depression, panic attacks, suicide attempts. I wasn't a bad boyfriend at all, I understood and accepted her for everything she was and only saw beauty, never use anything she would say or do against her when she was in these states. I feel as if she over reacted to what happened, I couldn't control my depression. I was the first person she let in for a reason, distance was never an issue for us.

I sent her a letter the other week after I found out what she told her friend to tell me because it signalled to me she cared. The letter wasn't a "take me back" letter, but more outlining how I understood I made mistakes but also how I couldn't control myself. Previous to my depression, I had never called her a bad word or shouted at her. I just hope she understands me, like I said before, she did for a time, but her sadness turned to anger. I think we both did irrational things. I don't expect her to run back to me straight away after reading the letter, and I'm not expecting her to even unblock me if I'm honest... but now that everything has cooled down I would like to be unblocked so we can talk as friends again.

What do you guys think? Is there hope still?

You no, I think it is time to move on.

I think it's really silly that she broke up with you at the first sign of conflict. I mean, by the way you described it, you got mad one time about something, and then she called everything off. Then after that she blocked you, after all you did to help her. It kind of seems to me like she's being really immature about it all. You, on the other hand, poor guy, are sitting here aknowledging mistakes you made, only for her to let you go because of one thing.

Although something you did triggered the conflict, her deciding to call everything off because of it, especially in a time when you needed a friend makes me wonder about her, not you.

If you really want it to work, I think it certainly could. I'm just concerned about her calling it off at the first sign of conflict again.

However, I think you should just tell her how you feel, and see if you can try things again, or you'll forever wonder what could've been with her.

Just acknowledge and accept what I said above,that she may run at conflict again.