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Thread: 5 year relationship and he still says he is not ready.

  1. #1

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    5 year relationship and he still says he is not ready.

    I am 22 and me and my boyfriend have been together since we were 17. For six months previous we had just been friends and when things finally progressed to a sexual nature he wanted to keep out relationship secret from out friends which really hurt my self esteem. For the first six months of our relationship i didn't refer to him as my boyfriend and we discussed the relations as though it was open and we were able to see other people. He broke up with me 2 or 3 time in the early stages and didn't refer to me as his girlfriend until 6 months in. This whole early stage of our relationship left me really insecure about our relationship , especially seen as it was my first proper relationship. About 3 years into our relationship i was keen for him to move in with me as i lived in a flat on my own. He was very reluctant and didnt finally move in for another year once we had both finished uni. A few months later i fell pregnant and he wanted me to have an abortion from the start but we finally agreed to keep the baby, he told his friends and his parents and i told my best friend. We even went to the doctors and i made my appointments but a week later he said we had not agreed to keep the baby and he still wants me to have an abortion, he made me feel very guilty and selfish for wanting to keep the baby. He told me that if i had an abortion we can take it as a second chance and be able to afford to buy a house and get married and then try again in a couple of years. So i had the abortion as he wanted and hoped we could get back on track. A few months later i was starting to get anxious about the fact that there was still no mention of getting married after all id gone through for him. He told me that there was no rush and we are still too young and he had no intention of proposing any time soon. He finally agreed he would propose in early 2016. But soon after he has been saying we might be getting engaged but we wont get married until after we buy house. which i had some doubts about as i know it will be difficult to afford a wedding once we are paying mortgage as our rent is pretty cheap at the moment. But i agreed none the less. So last night i was looking for more affordable ways to buy a house and found a few places. so when i spoke to him this morning i was showing him and he was being very negative saying he wants things that we cant afford and he knows we cant afford for at least 3-4 years and he said that's fine. He said there's no rush, he wants to enjoy himself before he has that financial commitment like buy a new car and go on more holidays. So i said fine can we get married before we buy a house then and he said "No". He told me he is not ready to get married and when he does he wants an expensive one (which we could not afford). He said once i get married or buy a house ill want to have a baby and ill never be satisfied, that i am not happy enough with just him. From the sounds of things now we wont get married for another 5 years and maybe have a our first baby by 30. I know it dosnt seem like that old these days but this far into a relationship i feel i should be entitled to having these things. If he was to be reasonable with his expectations e can afford to get a house and get married next year. I am to scared to tell my friends or family about whats been going on as im scared of what they will think of him or if they will think im crazy for wanting these things young.

    So my point is, Am i crazy? am i being irrational? or does he have commitment issues?

  2. #2
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    Don't ever allow yourself to be a secret. It is demeaning!

    This guy is stringing you along. His behavior from the start has been bad. His word does not seem to mean much of anything.

    I agree, that you are too young. But, I don't know that this guy will change his ways 10 years down the road.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    He really isn't ready. Marriage and being a father just isn't on his agenda.
    It sounds as though he reluctantly stumbled into a relationship with you and has plodded along ever since. To be honest, I'm not sure this relationship has what it takes to become marriage worthy.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SpottiOtti's Avatar
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    It sounds like he's never really been that into a relationship with you, and he most definitely would require pressure from you to get married. It sounds like you've been dragging him along with you the entire time; it seems painfully obvious to me reading your post that he isn't happy in this relationship. There are guys out there that don't require dragging to be excited about being with you. Do you really want to keep pressuring him into these relationship milestones, or would you rather set him free and find someone who truly wants to be with you? You both deserve that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Have you heard the phrase - why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free? That applies here. He doesnt want to get married, he doesnt want a baby, he doesnt want to buy a house. If those things are important to you, then you need to find another guy. This isn't going to work.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Longview01's Avatar
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    So he gave you a bunch of false promises so that you would abort your baby....and you are with this guy why exactly?

  8. #7
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    Owww, please, please, please leave this guy. I'd like you to try reframing the question, it isn't, is he commitment-phobic, it's, does he love you and want to spend his life with you and the answer from day one has been a resounding no. Refusing to call you his girlfriend, breaking up with you multiple times, wasn't overjoyed by the prospect of moving in, pressured you (add to that lying through his teeth about your future prospects with him) into getting an abortion (for which, I am both sorry for your loss and trauma, and relieved that you are not forever yoked to this arsehole by parenthood).

    At a bare minimum, ask yourself this, does this guy make you feel loved? Does he make you feel secure, valued, beautiful? Does he make you feel soul crushingly unhappy and feed you bread crumbs of attention that keep you hanging on? You deserve a partner that builds you up and makes you feel loved, anything less and you are better off alone. (I'm speaking from demoralising experience). Wishing you all of the strength and a good Team You for the coming months.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Lucia Amman's Avatar
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    I've one very close friend of mine that has a relationship with a guy that did the same things. They were together since she was 16. She always knew she wanted to get married, have children and all that. He was always 'saving up'. He first wanted to rebuilt the house, than he wanted to travel, then they needed a bigger house... And finally when she was IN her 30's she got pregnant. She now has two children, is still with him and totally miserable. It doesn't matter what I say to her she thinks that her relationship is 'normal'. She doesn't think she can get any better than him because all her life this was it.

    And sure he does give her what she wants (children, comfortable life) but all in HIS time and with his conditions tight to it. There is zero love in that relationship. Only obligations and expectations.

    Please, if you're still this young than don't tie yourself down to this relationship. Don't wait for another 5 or 10 years to get children or get married to this guy. Maybe he does wants it all with you, but I really doubt that you'll be happy than with him. I can see it with my friend and I can tell you she never was happy with him. She just thinks that this is what it takes to have a 'healthy' relationship. But it does NOT.

    There are so many signs in your post that this guy just never was ready to meet you. And I'm deeply sorry for your loss (the abortion) and loss of respect. Because I don't know how he could have talked you out of keeping the baby but that's just wrong on so many levels in my eyes. I would have left him right there and keep the baby to be honest. Plus You should be living the hell out of your at this age and I don't think you're doing that with him. And he isn't doing that with you because he has all this idea in his head how to create the perfect life and I can tell you: it never works like that.

  10. #9
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    I agree with everyone else. This guy isn't ready and will possibly never be. Don't allow yourself to be strung along.


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