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Is He Being a Good Friend or Attempting to Seduce Me?


Naomi99

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It's been a little over a month since I broke up with a guy I had been seeing.

 

During the close of that relationship to present, a good male friend has been there for me, checking in to see how I'm handling the breakup, showing concern for my sadness, and asking me to grab food/movies to keep my mind busy. Just being a very kind person, as he's always been. We've known each other for four years, and he is well aware of the events leading to my recent breakup. Since then, he has texted nearly every day "How're you doing? Feeling better?"

 

This is what is confusing me. His outings are becoming more frequent and romantic in nature (operas, dinners at frou-frou restaurants, introduction to colleagues, chocolate/wine tastings, day trips, dinner parties).

 

The other night he took me to a crowded noisy restaurant with a group of his friends when he leaned in and whispered, "Want to go to (insert romantic european city here) with me?"

 

I raised my eyebrow and said, "Uh, okay."

 

Then we both went back to our food and continued eating like nothing ever happened. He might have been tipsy, but I was completely sober and my ears did not deceive me.

 

Other than kisses on cheeks, he has never attempted anything physical with me. He pays for everything and makes sure I am well taken care of wherever we are. (toilet nearby, feet don't hurt, holding my coat. He was married once before so he understands the female basics.)

 

So what is his deal? Is he just being a kind to a friend who recently went through a breakup? Is he plain lonely????

 

And do not tell me to ask him. I most certainly will not do that because if he isn't, I'll be quite embarrassed for asking. As it stands, I'm behaving normally and haven't changed my behavior toward him to make him think otherwise.

 

Thanks for input.

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I offer to pay every single time and he hushes me away. He has been like this the entire four years I've known him. A complete gentleman.

 

I should add there is nothing different, really, about the way we interact except our outings are much more frequent and things that couples would do, without being a couple.

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Vulturing, I believe they call it. He sees you wounded and walking through the desert of your last relationship and now he's circling and moving in so to speak. I'm sorry, but you are really kind of clueless if you think all of what he's doing is just as "a friend." Bottom line if this were a girl instead of a guy do you think they'd be taking you out to all these places and wanting you to go on a vacation to a European city?

 

You need to have "the talk" in a neutral café. The one where you thank him for being a good friend, tell him you are so glad he has no romantic designs on you and that you can just get free and stay free of all romantic entanglements. And then after that you need to go see other people and hang out with your other friends more and cut this off at the knees before it becomes an issue of you stuck in another city with an angry former friend who feels you "owe" him.

 

I've had male friends comfort me in times of need, don't get me wrong. But we're talking an occasional bottle of wine dropped off at my house and them inviting me with the whole group to go out or a friendly lunch here and there. None of them ever attached themselves to my hip and started in doing date activities without having another agenda. And yes, three times in my life it's been tried and I didn't dig it. If someone wanted to woo me on equal terms great, but not coming at me when I'm vulnerable.

 

Sorry, I think there's more than friendship going on here. And if you don't put an end to it it's going to blow up in your face. Bottom line, if your best female friend wouldn't do it then the male friends shouldn't either.

 

If you have a romantic interest in him that's different, of course, but if so you need to still slow things down until you're recovered. Just it doesn't sound like you do, so yeah time to distance yourself either way. And if you don't think guys or gals can't hang around for years waiting for an "in" and hoping then I suggest you look around this forum. You will see a lot of threads from guys and gals that have gone years being "friends" and hoping they'll be the one a friend turns to when their relationship breaks up. It doesn't matter that you don't behave differently with him, he thinks that now you're single he has a chance and his behavior has changed towards you whether you want to admit it or not.

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Do you have feelings for him and want to proceed with him in a romantic way?

 

He's definitely into you and wants to take it further. He sees you as single and available, fresh out of a break up, and he's making the moves. Yes, you may not have changed your behavior but you are actively accepting these dates so he sees that as a sign of interest.

 

If you are not interested in pursuing this, you need to back down and stop accepting these dates.

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tell him you are so glad he has no romantic designs on you and that you can just get free and stay free of all romantic entanglements.

 

I say things like "when you have kids, I'll babysit them for you."

 

I also feel like since he knows the precise reason why I broke up with last guy, he has the cliff notes/cheat sheets to win my heart, but he has given no indication verbally or physically to indicate he wants anything further with me than friendship.

 

 

Sorry, I think there's more than friendship going on here. And if you don't put an end to it it's going to blow up in your face. Bottom line, if your best female friend wouldn't do it then the male friends shouldn't either.

 

If you have a romantic interest in him that's different, of course, but if so you need to still slow things down until you're recovered. Just it doesn't sound like you do, so yeah time to distance yourself either way. And if you don't think guys or gals can't hang around for years waiting for an "in" and hoping then I suggest you look around this forum. You will see a lot of threads from guys and gals that have gone years being "friends" and hoping they'll be the one a friend turns to when their relationship breaks up. It doesn't matter that you don't behave differently with him, he thinks that now you're single he has a chance and his behavior has changed towards you whether you want to admit it or not.

 

To be honest, as we spend more time together, I am not sure if I'm interested or not. This guy is 100 percent opposite of last guy; physically, attitude, personality, outlook on life. I know he has a good heart. The last guy, not so much.

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Is this even a question? I know you're vulnerable and all after the breakup, but c'mon, chica. Paris is right. This guy's a straight up vulture. He's taking it slow physically speaking to be absolutely sure whether you're the type to set up barriers or one to take them down after newly becoming single.

 

If you like him and are confident enough in yourself to avoid a rebound, then you're in luck. Otherwise, kick 'im to the curb.

 

But make no mistake, he considers each one of these little outings a date. If you really wanna put his intentions on the spot, next time he offers to pay, insist that you pay with a, "Sorry, I'm really not comfortable with guys paying for me unless we're dating."

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I guess what I'm trying to say is if I do end up liking him, it could be for the right reasons. The way he treats me, his personality and his heart, which is precisely what the last relationship was lacking. Right now, there is not much there attraction-wise, but as I spend more time with him, I'm learning looks and being charming are not the most important things in a relationship. This guy won't lay a finger on me. I feel safe…kinda. Just kinda confused with the amount of attention.

 

Wild chemistry is basically what the last relationship was based on. Pure attraction and wild chemistry and seductive smells. He never loved me. I think this guy could…but not sure yet.

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Remember that cliff notes bit you mentioned earlier? You're 100% spot on with it. He's taking it slow, listening, gauging his approach, making sure he can be or at least act like he is the antithesis of everything that went wrong with your previous guy. He wants a relationship with you and isn't willing to let you get into the state of mind of a single woman. No, he's not making big physical moves, but he's definitely trying to slip into that that void previously filled by your boyfriend before it closes.

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He likes you and since you are not attracted to him, you are using his attention as an emotional crutch to get over the last guy who wouldn't commit to you.

 

 

 

He has everything I want in a partner but I have never thought of him this way before because I just saw him as a friend.

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I was friends with my Boyfriend for years before we started dating. But I was attracted to him the first day I met him. Before I could figure out how to ask him out, I found out he was in a relationship. That relationship lasted 4 years. After he broke up with her, it was another 2 before he asked me out, but we hung out together.

 

However, he was not taking me to fine restaurants, introducing me to friends nor wanting to travel.

 

The point here is...this guy is friend zone to you. You are not romantically attracted to him as he is to you. He has studies the playbook and is being coy about his intentions. And you aren't stupid...but you are enjoying being. A "couple" with most of the benefits and none of the responsibility.

 

The problem is, you are using him and when you reach "healthy" again and go off in search of romance, he will be left holding the remnants of your "friendship". Don't get me wrong, he isn't innocent. He is culturing.

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What is your dating history? If you tend to choose men who are unavailable, then perhaps this man is perfect EXCEPT you're not ready to be truly intimate with someone.

 

If your instincts aren't serving you well, it can be difficult to find a secure match. Consider whether your institincts need to be adjusted so that someone so available can also be attractive.

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You're lonely and he's filling a void. However...

 

He's hoping if he's just the right kind of awesome to you, you'll eventually realize he's the right one for you. And he knows that trying to leap on you would turn you right off...so he's keeping his hands off. For now.

 

Remember, we are always advised to pay attention to actions as well as words. So, while you think your words say "friend", he may interpret your actions as "dating", since you agree to go out with him to nice places and accept his gestures.

 

You don't want to be in a situation where you're in a hotel room with him in some romantic city, he makes a move, you tell him "no" and he says "then why did you agree to come here with me? I thought you felt the same way!" Awkward!

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I would get my own room if we weren't a couple.

 

If he is indeed interested in me, I find it really in poor judgment to pass this up. The reasons I am not attracted to him are my own shallowness and vain thinking.

 

I've known him for four years and he hits everything on the checklist I am looking for except for, well, his looks.

 

I do love him as a friend but the initial attraction one feels at the blossoming of a relationship is missing. Can it develop over time? I don't know. I felt wild attraction and passion with previous guy and look what happened! It was unsustainable.

 

I've mentioned the situation to several of my close friends. One of them says I'm dumb for not being open-minded toward someone who will treat me right for once. The other two say he's lonely and likes my company and to just have fun without pressure unless the subject comes up.

 

Everyone here says he's dubious. hahaha!

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continue having fun...until the subject comes up. Or, in other words, continue to let him treat you like his gf, while you call him friend.

 

Chemistry rarely "develops". You are either attracted to someone, or you aren't. Average Joe doesn't morph into Brad Pitt.

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You are either attracted to someone, or you aren't. Average Joe doesn't morph into Brad Pitt.

 

I disagree with this.

 

After what I went through with the doctor, I am realizing the way a man treats a woman is much more attractive than "Brad Pitt."

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Well, I have a male friend who would treat me like gold if we dated. And he's indicated on more than one occasion that he would love for us to date.

 

BUT...I am not attracted to him. At all. I don't know why, because he's actually an attractive man. (Stop, I do know why. He chews tobacco [disgusting]). No, not really, I don't know why, I'm just not. And I couldn't be. Not ever.

 

I told him he deserves a woman who isn't "trying" to love him, but one who truly does.

 

Just because you think you're supposed to love a man romantically doesn't mean you will.

 

I don't recommend selling either of you short. You deserve a man you feel romantically toward, and he deserves a woman who sees him the same way he sees her.

 

I don't think you should try to force it.

 

As for the doc, you aren't going to "forget" about him. But you can stay away from him and you can avoid contact with him. Eventually he will fade. And you'll realize he's just a man.

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Yes, it is. But if you aren't attracted to him, the toad will never be Prince Charming.

 

 

I see where you are coming from, and I would have agreed with you even a month earlier. However this whole past doctor relationship, who's the most charming man I've ever been with, he ended up being the toad!

 

About this current male friend: He's also a doctor, runs two practices and is opening a third this fall, AND has time to text me silly things throughout the day. He HAS TIME FOR ME!! He volunteers at the free clinic several times a month. He's a family guy, always talking about cousins and parents and puts them first. He's my age (as opposed to the previous guy who was 16 years my senior), well-respected and well-connected in our city.

 

Why doesn't he have a GF? Because he is not very attractive (there, I said it) and I don't believe women would give him a chance to get to know him. Wheover falls in love with him will have to be based on his qualities, not his looks.

 

The volunteering bit says a lot about him. He could be out goofing around, but he'd rather be helping poor people. The other doctor, he never volunteered to do anything but stick his golf club in my hole.

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Okay, looking at your responses I can see more of why the confusion. He sounds like yes, he would be good partner material just based on the cliff notes you've provided. BUT and it's a big one, if you aren't at all attracted to him physically it doesn't matter. It'll still be like snogging a sibling and not the least bit good in that area.

 

Now, I do think too many times we mistake wild lust for "OMG this is LURV at first sight, the real deal, the big IT!" and we don't look at whether or not we're simply being led astray by hormones, and whether or not this person is worth anything beyond the physical. And yes I have learned the hard way you can be physically attracted, in lust even, with someone you don't even like or maybe even hate. Or who may be absolutely the worst thing to ever happen to you except they become a drug on the physical level and so you call it love and put up with a whole lot of crap you'd put someone else through a wall over simply for that rush of sex and pheremones. This does not a relationship make, it just means the sex is going to be good or fantastic with someone. It does not mean they'll be a great partner or the relationship will be healthy or anything else really. And as my wise granny used to tell me that's all good and fine, but sooner or later you have to get out of bed and talk to them and that's where trouble may well begin. And the same goes in opposite for lack of physical,but everything else is there. You may be able to talk for hours, to have them treat you right and you treat them right, but sooner or later you have to fall into bed together. And if it feels like you're snogging a sibling or just feels icky or you find yourself bringing up excuses not to get physical then again it won't work.

 

The bottom line is you have to be attracted to someone mentally, emotionally and yes physically enough to want their touch, to want to kiss, and hold hands and do other things. And many times that's a quieter, stronger feeling. And it can develop over time, but it usually happens sooner rather than later. And I know it's very hard to quantify the two until you've experienced a difference. The problem with settling for love with no physical attraction is sooner or later you'll leave, because one part of a relationship isn't being fulfilled. And let's face it, if you cringe every time they touch you or want to kiss you that's just not good, no matter how perfect it may seem otherwise, no matter how good they look in theory or on paper or how well they treat you. You want the whole package, not bits and parts here and there scattered between people. You want the guy who treats you well AND who you want to kiss, to touch, to cuddle and do other things with.

 

You've known this guy four years now you said. If you've never looked at him and wondered what it would feel like if he kissed you, if you've never fantasized about him the least little bit then I kind of doubt that's going to happen any time soon, don't you? You need to be very honest with yourself and then you need to be very honest with him about what you want and whether or not this can be something more. But four years in and you're still saying his looks put you off doesn't sound like that's going to change. I once dated a Jack Black look-alike. My first impression of the guy was "Meh." Two conversations later he was the sexiest man in the room and I found his looks endearing and him sexy enough to start something with. Things fell apart later, but I can honestly say it wasn't over his looks at all. He just couldn't stay faithful to me and apparently other women saw the same things in him I did. Oh well, water under the bridge. So it's a combination of the whole package you should be looking for, not "oh this is all good EXCEPT..."

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