Bisexual/Lesbian stuck in the closet

Hello,

I'm new to this forum, I've joined to listen to others, and to help myself also with my current situation.

Basically I'm a young adult now, I'm a female in my early 20's, and as far as I remember I've always had an attraction for girls for as long as I can remember, even when I was young in school I remember feeling something for my teacher but was never sure what it was, and now it all adds up.

I've always had boyfriends, although I've never felt an intimate connection with them, it was just like a friendship, and it always felt like a chore for me to have to see them, sleep with them etc, never something I was really invested into, emotionally, mentally etc.

In a way I've mainly slept with boys, and gotten into relationships for the sake of other people, so they would see I have a boyfriend, and I guess I'd be covering my tracks and it always seemed "the normal" thing to do.

Since I was about 15 I've always questioned my sexuality, and still today I can't be 100% on anything, but I guess I'm a bit closer than I was back then.

Anyway, I ended up coming to fancy a friend of a friends, and I really fell for her, I used to just sit in awe of her, watch her driving and watch her doing normal day to day things and just be blown away by her, and how attractive I found her. A few things happened between us and it felt real, not like when I'd been with guys, and that's when I knew I do like girls and I'm not straight, I've kissed other girls too since then and slept with another a few times, and it's definetley what I'm into.

But I find myself in denial still. Of course I know I like girls, and I can emotionally invest in them, and I could spend every day with a girl, but I still find myself pretending I don't and trying to convince myself otherwise, when I know it's looking like I'm probably gay. I do hate it to a degree, my parents would understand but they wouldn't be happy, and at work etc people think I'm all about boys and I like that, I like pretending I'm this girl who dates all these guys, even though that's not who I am.

I find something so attractive about girls, and with me not being out of the closet I can't meet anyone, and times ticking by, but sometimes I think I'd rather stay in the closet because it's easier and I can't face people, I wouldn't like all the attention, it just means I can never truly be happy and find that person I'm looking for. A few close friends know and there cool with it, they make jokes and that makes me comfortable knowing we can laugh about it.

Apoligies for the long post, just had to start somewhere.

Any comments are welcome, would really appreciate advice or other peoples similar situations etc, thanks for reading

Just. Be. Yourself.

Whoever that is. You don't have to announce it to the world. You don't absolutely have to announce it to your family and certainly not to your co-workers.

Friends and family are smarter than we know though. I have a female friend (full disclosure, I'm a dude) who felt the need to come out to me sometime ago and it seemed to be troubling her. She couldn't get the words out. So I just said, "I know." It took her a moment to realize what I was saying and she asked why I had never told her I knew. I said, "I knew you would tell me when you needed to." I bet some of the people closest to you feel the same way about you.

It's not true you can't meet anyone without being out of the closet...online dating some people might know you, but they're all gay so they're not going to tell on you...sometimes being in a relationship with a girl already can give you that final push to come out.

If you don't feel comfortable coming out with everybody you could start with confiding in a close friend. Take things gradually. It makes things easier.

Finding and accepting yourself for who you are is a HUGE part of maturity.

Your current actions and act is really distancing you from your loved ones. You are lying to not just your family but also your partners in the relationship. That is not a nice, cool thing to do (quite opposite) or fair to ANYONE around you.

I know our society tells us that we are adults at 18, but we are not. Most of us don't reach maturity until 30s. HOWEVER, you finding yourself this early is great. And of course some people NEVER mature.

I think in order for you to be honest with others, you need to be honest with yourself. Accept yourself for who you are, share that with others. DO NOT be afraid of their reaction or actions associated with that. If they love you, they will love you exactly for who you are.

If they STOP loving because of this, then chances are high they didn't love you all along or are not WORTH your love.

Stop living your life to satisfy others. Live it FOR YOURSELF. This is a huge part of maturity! Don't worry, most people your age don't recognize this yet and are on your boat. Our society and pressures are great, the sooner you recognize how unhealthy it is and break from it the sooner you can truly live your life and enjoy it lot more.

Good luck

Thankyou to each and every one of you for your helpful replies.

I know I need to stop living my life for others, and of course that's why I need to do, live life for me. Others influence me far too much.

I don't need to announce my sexuality to the whole world, my best friend knows I told her a while back and she's so supportive of me, even saying about going to gay pride days etc so I can meet people like myself. I just feel the need to pretend I'm into guys, but honestly I've not been with a guy for over a year now, or seen any other guys in that time because it's not true to myself and I'm starting to realise it's not fair on others and I can't put myself through it again, pretending to like somebody and then having to dig myself out of that situation time later.

I did try online dating but I wouldn't put a picture up of myself, I was too scared to, so I didn't get to talk to anybody really.

Sometimes I wish society was differnent, I know now it's alot more accepting than it used to be to be anything other than straight but I still feel pressure from it all, others have told me people probably already know about my sexuality without me telling them, I suppose I'll know when the time is right and I'll have to accept it myself first, that's the hardest part for me, I end up hating myself.

Not caring for what other people/our society thinks of you is probably one of the best things anyone can do for themselves.

Now, I'm not trying to promote getting neck tatoos....ear lobes and other things that will prevent you from getting job/career type of "not care". But simply accepting that even if you were to be "best of the best", people will have their opinions, they will still talk about you, be judgmental etc.

Some say "don't EVER worry about things you can't control". What other people think about you (or our society) is completely out of your control.....

I just feel the need to pretend I'm into guys,

That's just a habit. You don't need to shoot for 'out and proud' unless and until you're ever ready for that, but you can develop a habit of being less inauthentic about your interest in guys.

You don't need to broadcast who you are, but you can certainly stop covering that up.

I'm not overly pushing it onto people that "I'm into boys" but the need to pretend is obviously there.

I'm just finding it very hard to accept.

I would caution you to remember that this is your life and happiness is so important. You are currently single so you should weigh your decisions. If you come out on the short term things will change and be different, but on time a new normal will develop and your family will move past the awkwardness hopefully. But if you stay your course what's the next step, eventually marry a man that is the opposite of your wants and needs? And believe me if your not interested in sex with a man now marriage will not improve on that, and is that fair to the man that wants a life with his heterosexual wife and sex with her. I ignored my warning signs and my own desires and now I'm 17 years into a marriage to a man that loves me and wants me, and I could honestly care less about touching him sexually, don't get me wrong he's my best friend but I really have to work to get myself wet enough to give him a shot, and I ususally don't wanna work that hard so I don't. And I don't wanna break his heart now and throw away almost two decades, we have a life a family and a home. How do I tell that man that gave up everything for my need for an illusion that what I really want is a night with the woman that jogs by our house every morning in her skimpy little outfit that I watch as I have my coffee. Choose happiness!