Just a tiny tinge

Before Awesome Boyfriend and I met, he was sweet on one of his friends. She might have been sweet on him too but she had a boyfriend already and never ended up leaving him so they never had a chance to explore that. Then I came along and was my own awesome self and the rest is history

Of course they are still friends, although they don't really hang out except at parties and gigs. She sometimes (used to a lot more) comes along to watch and helps him set up his drum kit. They have their own shared history and I'd never deny them that (poly leanings). Still, there's always that twinge of something when she's around. She's absolutely gorgeous, and much more age appropriate and she's always really well dressed (a bit Goth). Dressing well is an absolute sore point for me. Last partner really hated that I didn't dress better and I've found in trying to do so, I don't know how. There's no new clothing in the stores that I like, things don't look good on me. My body isn't the shape I'd like it to be, even if I had the clothes she has I couldn't pull off the look, too short and fat.

Last night I met up with awesome boyfriend at a food place after work and previous crush and her partner where there too because they'd come out to watch boyfriend's gig and he was giving them a lift home. Which was cool, because I don't think I've actually been in a conversation with her before then (in over a year of dating), just passing niceties because one of us tends to be coming as the other is going. So, cool to demystify her a bit. But there are little things like at one point she gently headbutted boyfriend and his ice coffee is fair game. And a couple of weeks ago they were at a school themed party and she leant him an outfit so he could dress like a school girl. All the plausible deniability in the world. But I guess I have always felt like I kinda accidentally interfered with whatever was developing between those two by arriving in his life when I did. If they did realise they still had feelings for each other and wanted to explore that, I'd be pretty cut of course but I wouldn't stand in the way.

Have no desire to act and him to ask her to back off. I think, I think I just really needed to say out loud that when she's around it triggers my "grrrrr, back off he's mine" reflex a bit. And I'd much prefer it if it genuinely didn't.

I don't see a question, but I just wanted to say that I think you have a really lovely attitude - you clearly care about this guy so much that you want him to be happy aside from your own (understandable) insecurities around his former crush. He's lucky to have you. You sound like you conduct yourself with confidence and grace no matter what you might be feeling inside. That is an admirable trait.

You sound great, don't let this woman intimidate you or make you feel like "you came between them." She already had a boyfriend. If he wanted her, he could have broken up with you and asked her out. Obviously, he wants you! If you feel like he's crossing some line, I think you need to take it up with him, not with her.

Do you have rules and boundaries in your relationship? I recommend "no single opposite sex friends" strongly. This one is a deal breaker for me. And it probably should be for just about everyone. Why? Well, it's simple human nature. Whenever you have 2 members of opposite sex around each other, there WILL be spark....IN TIME. I don't care how much of a leader one is or how much "strong will" you have, you cannot defeat nature. And nature will take it's course.

Then there is the whole thing of "men can't be friends with women". Believe it, I've never met a man that would be friends with a woman that he doesn't find attractive or wants to be with. I'm not saying they are not out there, just not many. That's all.

I also find it extremely disrespectful and inappropriate. I have a feeling you probably feel the same.

It also feels like you have some insecurities about your body and clothes. I would recommend that you get in shape for # of reasons. Look good, feel good, be healthier and more confident, as well as mentally stronger......amongst many other things. Look at yourself in the mirror. Would you date yourself as a man? It's extremely important to look great for your loved one. Some say "make yourself look as if you were going on a new date TODAY" for your loved one....on regular basis......or something along the line.

You get the point. Become the best person you can be. Rock his world and make sure this woman (and any other) is completely out of his life.

If the fish has good bait, it will take it.

Aww, thank you all for your responses. I agree I don't really think there is a question, more of a needing to vent. And if anyone has any experience dealing with their own jealousy happy to hear stories. Honestly, I don't think she intends to "steal him away" nor that he could be swayed, we have a pretty ace connection. Putting these feelings into words makes me realise the clothes thing is still a big issue, but internalised now, coming from me, instead of my ex. (What a sucky, sucky thing to take away from a relationship, insecurity. Good job ex *slow clap*).

While I think you give mostly sound advice DoF, I'm bothered enough by the mantra of getting into shape that I feel the need to rebut it. Obviously being fat bothers me, because I've grown up in this toxic culture of thin is godly. I don't think it bothers my boyfriend at all and I don't think I could "get into shape" (through strict regimes of calorie restriction and exercise) anymore because along the way I discovered fat acceptance, and got angry about thin privilege and would quietly describe myself as a fat activist these days. Having said that, I don't have to lose weight to get fit and from past experience, feeling fit is a pretty decent confidence booster so you're on the money there. Would I date me if I was a dude? Surely, I'm pretty cool, and friendly. Just not thin, or stylish. (Fat's never been a deal breaker for me. Nothing in common is though).

There is always room for one's improvement, and if you want to wear stylish clothes, then you know what you need to do.

What are you going to do about this girl?

No single friends? Are you kidding! You sound very insecure and untrustworthy.

I would not expect my partner to give up his single friends, nor would I. They are friends, and single friends can be platonic . Btw, my oldest friend is male, and has never made a move. In fact, I have several single, male friends and nothing has ever happened. We respect each other and enjoy one another's company.

Lala,,

You sound lovely.

Listen, if he had really been interested in her, then he would be with her. He choose you, as he saw something quite special. You have been together a year, and it all sounds good. Don't listen to nonsense above about having to change yourself , as your bf, doesn't seem to care. The sexiest thing about you is your personality and self confidence. Remember that!

I recommend "no single opposite sex friends" strongly. This one is a deal breaker for me. And it probably should be for just about everyone.

Well this is just not realistic, and if this is truly your "rule", I'm sure you have already missed out on great potential partners, in order to abide to it. How exactly can you control your partner's friends relationship status? They can be married or in a relationship when you and your partner get together, only to divorce or break up a few months in, and then what do you do, break up with your partner just so they don't have a single male friend?

Not to mention the absurdity of the statement that men and women can't be platonic friends. Believe it or not, sex is not on everyone's mind, there are many other types of affinities people can have, that makes them great friends forever, regardless whether they are in relationships or not. Actually, many times friends stay and are a constant in a person's life, while the partners come and go. Which seems to be OP's situation. I can't believe you are actually suggesting the guy should end his friendships with his female friends, just because he is with the OP now. Hopefully this is not how you handle things in your own life...

1a1a, you sound like you are a bit too insecure. Just because she's good looking and your boyfriend cares about her (because they've been friends for a long time) it doesn't mean you have any real reason to worry. Clearly he wanted to be with you, otherwise he would be with her, it's as simple as that. Your instinct to tell her to "back off, he's yours" is just your jealousy talking, you are jealous of their relationship and perceive her as beautiful, but I think it's all in your head, with no support in reality. So I think the best course of action is to let him have his friend (who doesn't sound like a threat to you!), don't interfere and try to mess up their friendship, on the contrary, try to get to know her better and who knows, you two may become friends.

Personally, as a general rule, I don't think men and women can be friends, at least not in the sense of hanging out and talking one-on-one on any somewhat regular basis. I don't count group dynamics into this argument. I also don't define any "friendship" where one is interested in the other, regardless of how well the boundaries are respected.

I think women tend to have a harder time understanding this because when it comes to opposite sex friends, women are much less selective based on looks. But when's the last time you saw a decent looking guy hanging out with an obese chick as a friend?

As with most things, you can't define it in 100% of incidents, but without mitigating factors such as both people being in happy relationships at the time or not having looks that would you'd otherwise be attracted to, a strictly platonic, no attraction from either person friendship between those of the opposite sex is an anomaly.

That said, I would never ban my girlfriend from having guy friends. I wouldn't be keen on her hanging out with them one-on-one regularly and would probably put my foot down at some point there, but my concern is what she feels and much less what some guy feels (to an extent).

Yes, they can -- be friends. All my life I have had men friends (when single and when married), more so than women friends. Have always found their opinions (when asked for) and general outlook straight and to the point.

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact I was brought up in a largely male environment, no sisters, only brothers, and all my cousins (except for two much older ones) are/were male. I spent my childhood and adolescent holidays with them, and found them to be far more fun than the girls.

Granted I wouldn't be seeing those men friends every single day 365.

"With men, women can joke and banter without any emotional baggage. "Friendships with men are lighter, more fun," said Sapadin. "Men aren't so sensitive about things." Some women in her study also liked the protective, familial and casual warmth they got from men, viewing them as surrogate big brothers. What they liked most of all, however, was getting some insight into what guys really think."

"Men and women are also becoming more androgynous as their societal roles become more similar. "Men are more willing to have feminine characteristics, and women are a lot more willing to admit to traditionally masculine characteristics, like assertiveness," said Monsour. His dissertation showed that women and men categorized as androgynous had twice the number of cross-sex friends.

Whatever the challenges of male-female friendship, researchers agree that to succeed as friends, both genders have to openly and honestly negotiate exactly what their relationship will mean,,,"

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