What are some lessons you've learned from your first serious relationship?

Some I learned:

- Never underestimate the importance of family compatibility. If you marry someone, you marry their family. And never underestimate their family's ability to turn them against you.

- People are not fixer-uppers, despite what that song in Frozen says. If something significant bothers you about someone, it is unlikely to ever truly change.

- Persistent flakiness is unacceptable from a partner.

- Love doesn't conquer all. You need fiscal responsibility, sexual compatibility, effective communication, lifestyle compatibility, and yes, physical attraction to make it work.

- If they have a bad temper, start drama, or are disrespectful of others, sooner or later that will be directed at you.

And most importantly: it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.

Compromise. Allowing the other person to have their wants and needs met.

Sidburn. Agree 100%. Only point I'd perhaps differ is that not all families get enmeshed in the couple's life.

Anyhow, despite your excellent and sensible points, you know what Sid, people will just continue to barrel on and into a relationship, ANY relationship. Sadly, the grounds for so doing seems to be the total terror of being "alone".

The part about families is so true. Unfortunately the scary skeletons come out the closet more and more and more as time passes. If I had known my husband's family was a whole freak show side carnival of mind numbing dysfunction I probably would have run for the hills. Could be why they kept that under wraps for a few years.

I was over the moon happy to move away from the proximity of that sideshow.

Don't ignore red flags, even though other stuff may seem good. The red flags are there for a reason and may bite you in the ass way later down the line.

1. That your first instincts about a person are pretty much the right ones--I didn't like or trust him. Turns out there was good reason for that.

2. When they start asking you to give up things and people you love, whether directly or just through criticism and nitpicking it's a red flag you need to take note of and squash right off the bat. As in, no I'm not going to give up my karate class just because you think the instructor is a d**k and if you don't like it you can go now.

3. Never put up with emotional abuse and we all do know what this is. It's when the other person says or does things you'd normally only expect your schoolyard bully to say. Things like "You're dumb/ugly/no one would ever want you" and other insults of a personal nature. It's okay to tell someone you don't like what they're doing--I hate it when you drink, it makes me worry" is fine. "You're a lush who acts like a dumb*ss" is not.

4. When they flirt with other people in front of you don't discount it and believe them when they say you're "too sensitive." Again, we all do know what disrespect looks like and never let someone tell you different.

5. When they have any, and I mean any, sort of double standard run for the hills. Automatic red flag and that crap just means worse in on the way. Reasonable sane people don't hold one set of standards and rules for themselves and something the opposite for all others including you.

6. Picking fights and losing their temper without serious cause.

7. Insisting you have sex or get sexual when you aren't comfortable with it and then belittling you when you say know as if it's your fault.

8. When they hit you it's done no matter excuse they have or how much they apologize.

9. Stalking is not love.

10. Neither is control.

11. If you find your own substance abuse issues go up after they enter your lives--giant, screaming red flag.

12. It is always your/the other guy's fault.

13. Being all mushy and intense and exclaiming how wonderful/magical/great you are when they barely know you. I've learned there is a giant difference between the people who take the time to get to know you and are genuinely interested and that sort of frantic, "It must be love, it has to be love, IT JUST HAS TO BEEEE!!!" when they just freaking met you. Run like the wind whenever anybody pulls that crap on you within the first month of dating each other.

14. If they ever make you feel like you want to put your back against a wall and watch their every move with a weapon in your hand--another giant screaming red flag.

15. If they put you in danger in any way, shape or form from driving recklessly when angry to throwing a punch at you, again just leave.

16. That it's really true one never regrets leaving a bad relationship after you break things off, heal and are over it. Just that you regret not having done it all sooner.

And it isn't because there isn't plenty of information out there whereby one can be forewarned and advised what to be on the lookout for.

IMO this should be pinned to every fridge door on the planet.

link removed

IMO this should be pinned to every fridge door on the planet. link removed

Agree! Fantastic article. Thank you.

Well, my first serious relationship is the relationship I'm still in today......20 years later.

I've learned a lot and I still keep learning.

- Get your priorities straight (I'm a Husband first, Father second, son third, friend/employee fourth.....etc). Time investment is prioritized based on that.

- 3 big C's are the key to any relationship. Commitment, Compromise and Companionship. Companionship = friendship and time involvement. Compromise = working together, compromising for each other and doing things WITH each other FOR each other. Commitments = Time invested into relationship vs other parts of life (work/family/friends/hobbies).

- work hard to improve yourself vs change others. Being great and doing great things is contagious and often will make people around you do better as well (especially love ones).

- Intimacy satisfaction - I know many married couples talk about lack of sex etc, I have no idea what they are talking about or why they are even married. My wife and I have better sex 20 years into marriage than EVER before. we do it daily (sometimes few times a day). There is no better glue to relationship than intimacy. And I;'m also not just talking sex. I know this is important for us men, but many women love just a physical touch, romantic loves/gestures, massage, touch here and there or maybe just "out of nowhere" flowers

- Friends - I know many here will probably disagree with me. But WATCH those closest to you (especially friends). Those have been the biggest walls/hurtles in our relationships. We cannot be friends with single people or people in unhappy marriages. We learned this the hard way over the years. Many people are just jealous and want to bring you down or pull you in their direction cause they can't have what you have. Be careful who you let into your life. Also, absolutely no single opposite sex friends.

I can go on and probably write a book.......well, I probably should write a book.

Bravo, DoF! That is a great post, and you are obviously one stable individual. And yes, you should write a book.

One in the eye for those who think and say that Commitment, Compromise and Companionship are boring!

And yes, be careful of who you let in the door of your house. If you have a good antenna, then this becomes easy. Thee are a lot of negative individuals out there.

As for friends (single or otherwise) I suppose it depends on the person. But generally single people are into their own thing and not that interested in married folks.

To piggyback off DoF's point of "friends," one of my biggest lessons has been not just having boundaries, but having the conviction to stick to them. I learned quickly that it's better to stick to boundaries and let your partner end things than to try to compromise with what you know you can't handle in a relationship. Compromise is a great and essential relationship tool, but at some point, there needs to be a line in the sand.

BONUS: Whenever possible, avoid the word "you" when arguing.

-Take culture into account. I'll never date someone from a vastly different culture again. Too much headbutting.

-Find someone who isn't going to mind you skipping their family events so you can spend time with your own family on your own.

I realized years ago that I had no real desire to be close with in-laws. I already have a family, don't need another. My partners have always spent holidays with their families (if they had them) and I saw my own and I was okay with the time apart. Any guy who tries to push me into having a meaningful relationship with me is not the guy for me. Likewise, he doesn't have to be with my family but he can't guilt me about me going to see my own.

-Don't date someone who has serious insecurity issues and needs lots of affirmation and assurances that they are attractive, etc. Ew.

Bravo, DoF! That is a great post, and you are obviously one stable individual. And yes, you should write a book.

One in the eye for those who think and say that Commitment, Compromise and Companionship are boring!

 

And yes, be careful of who you let in the door of your house. If you have a good antenna, then this becomes easy. Thee are a lot of negative individuals out there.

As for friends (single or otherwise) I suppose it depends on the person. But generally single people are into their own thing and not that interested in married folks.

Thanks, I'm considering it.....wife tells me the same thing.

PS. I haven't always been stable, but youth, ignorance and stupidity will do that to you.

I learnt that there are one or two genuine people in the world not al of humanity are liars and cheaters.

I was with that first love for 19 years til he passed away suddenly and without warning in bed.

Never once did he contemplate leaving me nor I him

DoF. It would be odd if we didn't put a foot wrong now and then in our teens/early twenties. Problem is that a lot of people remain entrenched in that immaturity and instability into 30s, 40s, 50s and so on. Worse still, they continue to believe the stories they tell themselves.:subdued:

-Don't date someone who has serious insecurity issues and needs lots of affirmation and assurances that they are attractive, etc.

Strange to say that quality (insecurity) is something I find terribly attractive - it makes me care for the person and want to nurture and support them.

I also feel I can empathise .

Not good, Michael. We are not supposed to be anyone else's "fixer". That's up to them.

To me the idea of being someone's "fixer" is tremendously rewarding.

What could be better than helping someone overcome their problems and to be happy ?

I agree with all of the comments above. I'd like to add - dont be in such a freaking hurry to dive into a relationship with promises of eternal love and devotion to someone you just met! It takes time to learn about yourself and another person and to develop a friendship first. Just slow down!

If your relationship doesnt work out, it's not the end of the world, dont talk about jumping off the roof because he/she left you! Slow down! You will get over this and you will learn from it and you will make better choices and decisions later on.

I learned that respect is the backbone of love. It doesn't guarantee that everything will work out, but mutual respect is where it's at! And I knew I'd never settle for less after having experiencing it.

I also learned that just because someone loves you, doesn't mean they can deal/should deal with all your crap. If you've got issues (most people), then own them.

I walked into my first relationship with the expectation that his love meant I could take a break from my own emotional growth - bad, bad idea.

So I learned not to take a person for granted, and how important it is to pull your own weight in a relationship. Not focus so much on what the other guy is doing all the time!

-Don't date someone who has serious insecurity issues and needs lots of affirmation and assurances that they are attractive, etc.

 

Strange to say that quality (insecurity) is something I find terribly attractive - it makes me care for the person and want to nurture and support them.

I also feel I can empathise .

No, I think it's horribly unattractive. Sure, I have some insecurity issues myself but I'm not dumping it on people around me and relying on others for self validation. That reeks of neediness and lack of self sufficiency.

To me the idea of being someone's "fixer" is tremendously rewarding.

What could be better than helping someone overcome their problems and to be happy ?

Been there, done that, it sucks. You basically become an authority figure over someone, not an equal partner. I don't want to do that again. It may be rewarding (temporarily) but it's not healthy at all.

I don't want to a date a broken person. I want to date a whole, HEALTHY person, if I were to date again. Not a freaking trainwreck, fix-me-up project. I shudder at the thought.

Yes Fudgie. A most unattractive trait. And very unhealthy. I shudder too......

No spouse/partner is supposed to be the "other's" therapist, in any case.

"Fixing" is a bit like giving your alcoholic spouse or SO a "nice bottle of vodka/whiskey/gin" so as to make them feel "better", and sure the "fix" kicks in for a while. It is exactly the same as enabling the "insecure".

His and hers bathrooms.

Don't date someone who has serious insecurity issues and needs lots of affirmation and assurances that they are attractive, etc.

Strange to say that quality (insecurity) is something I find terribly attractive - it makes me care for the person and want to nurture and support them. I also feel I can empathise .

To me the idea of being someone's "fixer" is tremendously rewarding.

What could be better than helping someone overcome their problems and to be happy ?

This says you have a "rescuer" complex. That means the other person has to be a victim. While it feels good - I also have a tendency to want to help - it's not healthy in an adult relationship.

One thing I learnt is to avoid all rescuers, persecutors, and victims.

Be healthy. Be whole. Figure out who you are, who you want to be and fix the things about yourself before getting into any type of relationship.

Be you.

That's all I learned. Because no matter how good my ex boyfriends were or weren't the one thing that really put me down was myself. I was making unhealthy decisions - like staying in the wrong relationship for too long - because I wasn't secure enough. Not being myself enough. Not knowing what I really wanted and could get.

It takes two to tango. So everything that went wrong in my relationships were just as much their fault as it was my fault. I acknowledge that, so to make any relationship work: 50% of the effort is on yourself. The rest is up to them.