For those who are Struggling

This post is for those who are struggling with feeling hopeless and lost. I've been preparing myself to write this post for 8 days, and I think I'm ready.

5 months ago, February 6th, 2015, I overdosed and tried to kill myself. I took a bunch of pills and was almost successful. As I started to feel my body succumb to the pills I took, my cat (Daisy) crawled up onto my chest and laid down on me. She had never done that in the 3 years I'd had her, so it signaled to me that she knew something was wrong with me. So, the only thought that crossed my mind in that moment was that someone needed to come take care of her since I was going to die. So, I texted my mom and my dad. The text read, "Someone needs to come check on Daisy tomorrow. I won't be here." And then I went to sleep.

I woke up in the ICU 24 hours later with a ventilator in my throat and padded shackles around my wrists and ankles. There were machines, and it was so bright, and the only face I saw was my mom. 12 hours later, I was transferred to the "Affective Disorders" unit at the hospital (For people who try to kill themselves but aren't psychotic). After being there for a few days, I started to feel better and was allowed to go home. I moved back to my parents house and lived with them for a month. In that month, I got a steady job working M-F 8-5, I started dating the most amazing man, I started an intensive outpatient treatment program, and was diagnosed with manic bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder.

Today, 5 months later, I am sober. I am smiling. I am strong. I am willing. I am emotional. I am scared. I am positive. I am loved. I am anxious. I am depressed. I AM ME.

What I've learned is that my suicide attempt doesn't define who I am, it is just a part of me. The intensive outpatient program I went through was mainly for addicts, but it helped me so much. It helped me realize that my manic behavior was very similar to that of an addict when they are high. It made me realize that I have some deeper issues that I need to continue to seek help for. And most of all, it made me realize that I am my own worst enemy.

I am choosing not to divulge what lead me to a suicide attempt because its irrelevant, but I do know that in that moment, nobody was going to stop me. I am a very strong willed woman, and nobody stops me from doing anything with ease. So, when people ask me why I didn't reach out to anyone for help that night I respond with "Because I didn't want help that night, and I didn't want to be stopped." The only reason I was unsuccessful in my attempt is because my parents were worried about my text and called the police.

I also get frustrated when people tell me it was such a selfish thing to do. They say things like 'don't we matter enough to stop you' and 'why don't you tell us when something is wrong' and my all time favorite 'you're a coward for wanting to take the easy way out.' What people fail to understand about someone in this state of mind is that EVERYONE else is not on the mind at that point and calling it the EASY way out is the most offensive thing I've now ever heard. It was not an easy decision to make at that time, and it has been the most difficult 5 months of my life after that day. So, nothing about it was easy.

This post is intended to help those of you out there who think they would be better off dead than alive. I remember that feeling. The feeling that nobody would miss me if I was gone. Nobody would even care! I remember the feeling of being completely hopeless for my future. Nobody would ever love me. Nobody would ever want to be with me. I remember the feeling of being an outcast to my friends and family. Nobody ever understood me.

But, I am here to tell you through this post, that you are so much better off alive than you are dead. There is no greater feeling in the world for me than waking up every morning with the "Hey I'm Sara, I'm here to up" attitude. (since you don't know my sense of humor, that's a good attitude!) So, I genuinely hope that someone reads this and takes it to heart. I don't want anyone to ever have to go through what I've gone through the past 5 months after surviving my attempt.

If you are feeling suicidal, get somewhere safe. Make an appointment with a mental health professional. Call the suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255. And, comment on this post and I can answer questions about what helps me. Because just because I'm alive and have a good attitude, doesn't mean my skeletons don't still haunt me. And, I'm depressed and manic bipolar so I still have major ups and downs.

Hang in there, you're stronger than you think you are.

"What if I fall? Oh but my darling, what if you fly?"

I am so glad you are in a good place in your life! Kudos to you.

My Sister committed suicide 7 years ago, and I know she was in a very bad place & had her demons.

I have moved on & am at peace with it, but my Mum & Sister are still dealing with it. It is a hard road for those left behind.

I'm happy to hear you found your way, swilli. My brother wasn't as lucky, and not a day goes by where he's not in our thoughts. My parents have never been the same since this happened, yet eventually you find ways to cope.

What an accomplishment, and I wish you the best!

Thank you for your story. I'm glad you are doing so much better now! I've never felt suicidal so I can't totally appreciate your words but you did a good job in telling us about it.

Great post, glad to hear you're doing better. Your post put a smile on my face swilli

It is good that you have your mom, dad, a good job and an amazing man in your life to help you through on this journey. But the truth is, many people don't have that kind of support system. I agree with you that it is offensive when people say it is a "selfish" act. So they would rather we stay alive in misery just to appease them?

If I were gone, only my cats would miss me - but that is worth living for, IMO. I am glad you came through this better than you were before

What a tremendous post, and most of all, a testament to life -- and the resiliency of a person to recover. This kind of story is about as powerful a testimonial to staying alive as it gets. The tragedy of suicide is that no one really knows how and when their situation will turn a corner, and as long as there's breath, there's the invitation for that to happen. No one gets to find out if their luck would have changed in the next week once the deed is done.

I'm so glad you pulled through and have lived to tell about it! (And I send my love to Daisy, without whom we would not have you here.)

I'd like to say something, though, about those offensive "pat lines" that people say to deter someone from suicide. Since we've all heard them, and for anyone dealing with suicide (either trying to help someone who is suicidal or someone who is suicidal), these statements WILL arise at some point. I don't find the "it's selfish" line useful in about 99% of cases, but you know, there are a few people who have turned back from the abyss because they felt, "I couldn't do this to my Mom, I know it would destroy her" or some such important person in their life. Sometimes I've heard things like, "I won't do this until my Mom dies, she's old and it won't be long". And in those cases, guess what, in the meantime...life morphed and changed shape, a light appeared at the end of the tunnel, and as it turns out...the person now was living for themselves, not their Mom. So they found their way to where you are, even though what saved them was the intervention of guilt, fear for their loved one, a sense of responsibility or however you'd define those emotions. I am also speaking somewhat from personal experience here, when I was at my lowest.

So SOME people -- albeit the minority -- are held back by thinking of those in their lives they would hurt. And any such thing is a good reason to stay. A GREAT REASON, not to be dismissed. (And any reason to stay is a great reason to stay -- there are no silly or trivial reasons.) If a person is capable of considering the collateral damage, in cases it IS helpful to consider the "selfish" card, because I'm sure you can see now that this:

nobody would miss me if I was gone. Nobody would even care!

is absolutely FALSE now, right? You can now tell us with certainty that in that state of mind, you weren't seeing this clearly, right? That it was wrong?

I agree with you that for those who have lost all perspective of this fact, it's true that they are not thinking of anyone else. It's true that they just want to be out of pain, and that the impact on others has ceased to have meaning or relevance. They aren't meaning to hurt anyone -- they just want their own hurt to end. I deeply understand that, but it's also true at the same time that the definition of "selfish" is when you are not thinking of anyone else. I don't think it's helpful to be morally judgmental in such cases, when someone is mentally unsound in this way, but it still IS selfish. So I think the hard truth is that we can call a spade a spade without using guilt trips as suicide prevention strategies, particularly when it's clear someone is stuck in this tunnel vision.

I think for the living who are left after a suicide, the truth for them is that it was selfish because their loss and pain were not considered; it was discounted or minimized, and that has to be honored as part of the overall Truth. It's the other side of the story, and there is one, because none of us are operating in a vacuum, we are all connected (as little as that feels true for someone who has isolated themselves, in depression).

Also, I have to say that your story proves that the "easy way out" would have been dying: the 5 months you've been healing, and struggling, and the challenges you face will make you a lot braver of a soul than if you were successful at your attempt and your evolution ended there. Life is not for the faint-of-heart. Life is TOUGH. For some of us more than others. Those that have the most to wrestle with and choose to stay alive and fight for the best possible life anyway -- like you are doing -- are doing the bravest thing possible. I'm not saying it was "easy" to make the decision to attempt to kill yourself - - it goes against everything in a person, and is never anyone's first resort. I AM saying though that deciding to change your life around -- and it WAS a choice you made, to seek help, to stick to counseling, to fight to accept yourself with your troubles and flaws (probably the most important element in the whole thing -- coming to love the "mess" unconditionally) -- that IS the more difficult, and therefore the more courageous, path to take in the end. Suicide takes a few moments -- building a better life, one you can be proud of and look upon with gratitude for having sustained -- that's some heroic stuff. And again...when clouded by the mindset of wanting to die and seeing no end to suffering, few people care about being a hero or brave. But the Truth is still that it's braver to stay alive and fight, just because winning is a REAL POSSIBILITY at any time. I think it's important to emphasize that while you may be sick and tired of life, and tired of trying, you're giving yourself a chance to see all the effort you've put in pay off at some point if you stay the course and discover that change is inevitable, and that surprises are the name of the game with Life.

I hope these comments don't offend you, but I just wanted to present them in a different light. I think some of these messages get delivered very cavalierly or without sensitivity, but they are not entirely without a place or merit.

You should be so proud of yourself, and thank you for the inspiring message.

For many people considering suicide, they don't feel anyone would miss them (whether this is real or an illusion, it's what some believe to be true), therefore, they don't find suicide would be selfish. In OP's case, clearly, she would be missed and those left behind would have suffered her loss. But depression is all-consuming, and we may think that no one would care if we were gone, but usually (although not 100% of the time), this is not true and someone would be deeply impacted by our death.

I would never have considered suicide while my mom was alive - it would have killed her - literally. With her gone, it no longer seems so extreme (but I have pets, so I wouldn't do it). Everyone's situation is different. Everyone's support system is different.

Hey Misskitty, for what it's worth, I would miss you if you were gone.

Thank you for your post, Swilli. I am glad you are still here today. You're strong and you will overcome your demons. I know it!

As someone who has often been suicidal before (always in a relationship context) I held myself together and did not attempt suicide because of the thought of how it would affect my parents.

However the pain never went away but I have learned to carry the tremendous burden of suffering and I see it as a test of my perseverance.

Paulette. Well said.

And yes, there are, believe it or not, couples who DO agree (mutual consent) to call it a day, for whatever reason.

As someone who has often been suicidal before (always in a relationship context) I held myself together and did not attempt suicide because of the thought of how it would affect my parents.

However the pain never went away but I have learned to carry the tremendous burden of suffering and I see it as a test of my perseverance.

And of your love for your parents...I am sorry for your suffering. You sound like a loving person, though. I could never commit suicide if my mother were alive. No way.

You all are so great. I posted this and was so nervous what everyone's reactions would be. Thank you for your encouragement. We can all get better if we believe we can!

I can very much relate to your experience from both first and second hand experience. A close relative "succeeded" and several people I know have tried to commit suicide. I've ODed on a couple of occasions. What I've found is that people who are prone to depression are statistically more likely to commit suicide BUT, with that exception, suicide is no respecter of race, class or even relationship status. Young men seem prone and (OK a cliché) people who have had a relationship break-up. Some of the people I've known who have attempted suicide are very level headed people.

I'm going to say why I've thought about it. It doesn't uniquely identify me and nobody here knows who I really am, so I can be open. As I'm at work, I'll post in parts.

Adolescence was hard. I had lots of unrequited crushes and, because they were unrequited, I felt unloveable. Actually, I wasn't totally wrong. I have "special needs" which are obvious to most people but not to my teenage self. Not just romantically, I could never understand why other peoples' image of me was very different from mine. OK, I get that now but I still feel that other people don't "get" me and I don't get judged fairly by the human race as a whole.

Against my expectations, I DID manage to find a girl who agreed to marry me and she was actually attractive. No, it didn't last. She expressed a desire to leave about 3 months before the split and I fought against it. I discovered a lot of things after the split. Not only had I lost her but also (in my view at the time) probably my last chance of marriage and family.

To cut a long story short, the rest of my life was a bit of a train wreck too, as I neglected it to put all into my marriage. I really hit rock bottom and it made my teenage angst look like a tea party.

Well, OK, I DID remarry, have a daughter and we are still together > 20 years later.

I'm very grateful to my wife and daughter but, generally, life isn't that great. My career never got far and with my age and the state of the world economy, I'm just hanging on to a job the best I can. I expect no better. I'm very close to my wife and daughter but quite distant from everybody else. Money is tight but not as bad as it has been. I get some satisfaction from writing but not much money. Recently, I've only been doing free stuff. My general health is poor, although I exercise a lot for an over-50.

I've lost my dad and my mum and in-laws aren't getting any younger. I don't really see my life getting any better. In many ways I'd rather die before my wife but know that I would find it easier to cope without her than the other way round.

I've kept this brief because I'm at work and don't want to bore anyone with my life history. I'm happy to answer any questions about suicide and depression, as long as they don't reveal who I really am. No I'm not Superman but if I told you who I really was, I would not be able to be as open.

I think that depression should not always be seen as an illness but rather as a rational response to the circumstances in which people find themselves.

Unfortunately suffering is part of the human condition and is something which we have to carry.

For those who are Christians or Jewish the Book of Job in the Old Testament is a good read which may bring comfort.

Anyone struggling do feel free to PM me.

I have carried pain for 25 long years .

I think that depression should not always be seen as an illness but rather as a rational response to the circumstances in which people find themselves.

Unfortunately suffering is part of the human condition and is something which we have to carry.

For those who are Christians or Jewish the Book of Job in the Old Testament is a good read which may bring comfort.

Anyone struggling do feel free to PM me.

I have carried pain for 25 long years .

You don't have to be specific about your pain. I, too, believe that we have to experience it to appreciate what we will have in the afterlife. I don't necessarily think I've had more than my share of bad luck but feel that I've had spells of good and bad luck and they haven't been spread evenly throughout my life.

I also think that some of us don't have the "happy gene" and are dependent on our life situation to be happy, whilst others can still be happy while the world is crashing around them.

I think that depression should not always be seen as an illness but rather as a rational response to the circumstances in which people find themselves.

Unfortunately suffering is part of the human condition and is something which we have to carry.

For those who are Christians or Jewish the Book of Job in the Old Testament is a good read which may bring comfort.

Anyone struggling do feel free to PM me.

I have carried pain for 25 long years .

I agree with this. I can only speak for myself regarding reasons behind my suicidal thoughts when I have them, and there is always a reason. There is never a question of "I don't know why I feel this way". For many of you, it seems relationships have been the catalyst. For me, it is bereavement. Perhaps for some, it is illness or poverty. The list is endless.

I like to think if we can isolate the reason, we can try to help ourselves. I think that is better than being in the dark and having no clue why we feel such despair. (?)

I agree with this. I can only speak for myself regarding reasons behind my suicidal thoughts when I have them, and there is always a reason. There is never a question of "I don't know why I feel this way". For many of you, it seems relationships have been the catalyst. For me, it is bereavement. Perhaps for some, it is illness or poverty. The list is endless.

 

I like to think if we can isolate the reason, we can try to help ourselves. I think that is better than being in the dark and having no clue why we feel such despair. (?)

At least when I was a lot younger I didn't understand my thoughts but even now (at 50+) there are days when I feel a little less up-beat than the day before or the day after and don't always know why. Like the majority, relationship issues have been the main cause of my suicide/depressional thoughts but not the only. Poverty hasn't helped, as I've been short of money most of my adult life.

I think my main cause of depression that never goes away completely, is that I simply never got anywhere near my career goals. OK, some of that was money but I always felt I had a potential to do a lot more with my career (regardless of salary, etc) and either did not know how to use my talents and advertise them properly or few people I worked with spotted them. I'm not being too big headed here but I'm not far short of genius level.

Hey Misskitty, for what it's worth, I would miss you if you were gone.

 

 

Thank you for your post, Swilli. I am glad you are still here today. You're strong and you will overcome your demons. I know it!

and for what it is also worth kitty darling ...so would I

I think you are all been wonderfully honest and I am 110% sure that this thread has already helped so many people realise that they are not alone and this can and should be talked about .

Swilli xxxxx

AT 50+ it does not sound like it is too late. Is it a matter of needing more education or changing gears entirely? I am 50, too, and I know for fact, it is harder in the career world as you get to be our age, but experience and smarts (or in your case, super-smarts), go a long away. Relationship issues combined with poverty (which is the devil, I don't care what anyone says - poverty sucks) - well, I am just glad I can isolate these issues so maybe you can tackle them little by little (baby steps here, not change your life overnight).

I'm not a genius like you, but I am smart and could have made more out of my life than I did. I am contemplating finishing my degree when this depression lifts. I am not poor now, but have been there. Relationships? I no longer wish to date - it's been that bad. But I actually don't miss the roller-coaster or the men who did not treat me very well. I actually am not that lonely anymore (in the romantic sense). Having a boyfriend no longer "defines" me like it did in my youth. The pain was not worth most of it. So I say, there are worse things than being alone. But that's me.

First of all, I am not a genius. I am only nearly there but a few IQ points short. Having said that, I've heard all the clichés about cream rising to the top, etc but for me it never happened. I was jobless for a while and am now in a lower position than the one I was made redundant from. I can't afford to retrain, as I'm still paying a mortgage. All a very long story but the short answer is that opportunities are still very limited in the UK. I don't have any good "self-employable" skills like hairdressing. I have written at times but never made a living wage from it. Due to family circumstances my writing time is very limited at the moment.

I wouldn't say my life has been a total train wreck but, like a good many people, I'll go down as one of life's under-achievers and an also-ran in the human race.

At least you have a mortgage, your own home - that is something, yes? When my mom died, I inherited the house with a mortgage I can't carry, so will have to sell. So in addition to losing my mom I will lose my childhood home (when their parents died, she had to buy out her siblings which started a new mortgage on the house). I will probably end up in some bad neighborhood again, some dump. I have some money, but not enough to buy a home. I have lost a lot this year - but I have my cats and they are like my children and they need me. I thank God every day they are healthy. Silver linings.

At least you have a mortgage, your own home - that is something, yes? When my mom died, I inherited the house with a mortgage I can't carry, so will have to sell. So in addition to losing my mom I will lose my childhood home (when their parents died, she had to buy out her siblings which started a new mortgage on the house). I will probably end up in some bad neighborhood again, some dump. I have some money, but not enough to buy a home. I have lost a lot this year - but I have my cats and they are like my children and they need me. I thank God every day they are healthy. Silver linings.

 

I'm not saying I don't have silver linings and I don't want to start one of these "I'm worse off than you" threads. I'd say at the moment, I am less depressed than I was last year. Probably the mild depression I have at the moment will lighten or even vanish when we go on holiday.

 

In fact, depression and suicidal thoughts have even been known to hit wealthy people with beautiful, loving partners. Quite often, when I'm depressed and think there's people even worse off than I am, it makes me even more depressed and inadequate because I cannot help them.

 

The longer I live, I'm more and more convinced that depression and happiness are determined by 2 main factors:

 

1. Some people are born happy. They just are. Others can only be happy if there's something to make them happy

 

2. People need to achieve a balance with appropriate amounts of time for making a living, doing chores, family activities, friends and interests, plus a few others

 

The way I describe depression is being uncomfortable in my own skin.