Angry that my ex took my son to his mother's place without my consent today.

We had a plan to let my son go to his grandma's today for a week. She really wanted to see him and I thought it would a good idea. I said okay. My ex agreed to drive him up there, he will be staying there as well (family time together with his son, his parents, brothers...so on). I had a really terrible cold (maybe even the flu) for the last few days so I thought "it will give me time to rest, and if he's at his grandparents then maybe he won't catch it.)

So the plan was all set up, everything was ready. Last night my ex was helping me out with taking care of him and getting things ready for the trip. (It's a 4 hour drive to his parents). This is when I noticed my son sneezing, coughing, and losing his voice. I said to my ex "we probably shouldn't bring him, he caught whatever I had." My ex said okay. He asked to sleep over and I was against this, but it was 3am so I said alright. He slept in the other room and helped me take care of our son all night. We had to put the humidifier by him, and use salt drops in his nose to help him breathe. I eventually fell asleep because I am still recovering myself. I told him multiple times "let's wait until he gets better first, he can go over next week if he is better." My ex said okay, that's fine.

I woke up to find both my ex and our son gone. I kind of freaked out for a while. I phoned my ex asking him where he went. He said "to my parents with our son." I said "but he's sick, I told you yesterday he shouldn't go". He then said "yeah but he's sleeping anyway, don't worry my parents will take care of him, just try and get some rest."

Well, I am sort of angry. I asked my aunt what to do and she said "just relax, babies always get sick, just get lots of rest"....I asked my brother for his opinion and he said "you're working yourself up over nothing." ....

I just feel upset because I felt like I gave mother's orders ..he needs to stay home to recover THEN he can go to my exes parents, and he didn't listen to me.

I thought about phoning the cops but I don't want to turn this into a big mess. I know his parents will take good care of him, but still. Shouldn't I have ANY say in this. I'm not going to force my ex to drive him all the way back here, because then my son will never get any sleep. I am hoping he gets good rest over there, since he's already there! Ugh. What would you do?

I feel sick to my stomach now. My most important priority is my son getting all the rest he needs, not who was right and who was wrong. I feel like my ex did this when I told him not to. Maybe his mom pressured him into it? ...or maybe he was just being stubborn I don't know. I have a feeling he really wanted to see his family and did it anyway. I hate not being there for my son when he's sick. What should I do? I feel like even my closest family think I am over-reacting. They said things like "well he's the dad, even though you are broken up...plus he'll be fine."..."you're over-reacting because you feel sick. Just get some rest".

I feel like I'm going to lose it.

I know that she will take good care of him, whenever he's gone there before, her best friend (a nurse and baby expert) always helps. But still. This tears my heart. I'm the mom, and had no say in this at all Ugh. Now I know why he insisted to sleep over. He brought the humidifier, infant tylonol, salt drops...I sent them a list of things to do (told them to let him get as much rest as possible). What should I do? Freaking out would probably do more damage then good right now, but I just feel really betrayed by them, as if my concern meant nothing.

Honestly, I would be upset also. Now I only have your side of the story but if what you say is true the issue is your ex agreeing with you and then going back on that.

Once they get back from your parents place I think you need to have a CALM discussion with your ex and explain that you do not feel comfortable with your son being away when he is sick. That while you know his parents would and do take good care of him, as a mother you prefer to have him home when ill. Tell him it really sacred you to wake up and find them both gone after all the discussion the night before about him NOT going to his grandparents. Tell him the two of you need to make an agreement what the protocol is when your child is sick and that from now on if you both agree on something it needs to be followed.

When an infant is sick he can require more/particular care even if it is "just" a cold so your ex needed to follow your wishes especially since your son's pediatrician is probably nowhere near where his grandparents live. I don't agree that he just needs rest and you have to be very careful with tylenol dosage/frequency with an infant. For example.

I'm just upset because he did something like this before...a month after my son was born. I kept saying no, when he asked if his parents could come over and see him, mainly because I was recovering from surgery still, and my son had a cold then too. But they came over anyway...they brought him out to different places. This would have been great! But, he had a cold then...and I said no..again! I said "maybe next week", and just like before they went ahead anyway.

I have a feeling my exes family suffer from stubborn-itis. The thing is they always get to see him (a full week each month and sometimes more). So what is the big deal if I say no for when he is sick? Why do they push and push?

I'm going to have a firm talking to him when he gets back. I'll try and stay calm. I feel hurt by this...I feel like my opinion means nothing. I'm also scared because I know babies need more rest then adults when it comes to recovering. There was this girl at my school in kindergarden, and her parents kept making her go in anyway when she was sick. Eventually she had trouble breathing and was sent to the ER, she died in the taxi over there...she had a lung infection. This always haunted me because I knew that girl.

I didn't even get to say goodbye to him or anything, he just left fully knowing...can't help but think this is some kind of revenge for me breaking up with him (people don't normally do this?). Either way...this really sucks. I'm going to phone them everyday to make sure everything is okay. Gosh..never mess with a mom and her connection with her baby, turns me into a angry tiger..wow.

Don't worry I've always been careful with the tylonol. He had a fever and looked like he was in a great deal of pain (really bad sore throat), I had it too...like a knife, it felt like. His parents are also careful with it, they refused to even give him any unless he has a fever, so I know they won't unless he needs it.

I've got to be honest, but this reads like he asked to stay over because he knew he would be taking the baby out of the house while you were asleep. Which is something I would not be glossing over. That's a real betrayal of trust and courtesy.

Since it was so late is it at all possible he discussed this with you but you were too tired to remember? Otherwise it's so awful!

Agent: that's what I think too now. I don't think this is entirely the parents fault. At first I felt like "I shouldn't trust any of them!" this is crazy.. but this is my exes fault. The parents didn't know (this time) about his cold/flu. They do now though. Hopefully they give my ex a firm talking to before I do.

Batya33: I told him several times (maybe around 10 times) "next week." All the other times he brought him and let me say goodbye and I got to help pack all my son's things. This time he left without a trace. He must have left at 6am? because I woke at 7am and he was gone. Why would he leave so early if he wasn't trying to sneak him out. My ex knows that the visit wouldn't even happen if my son wasn't going. I have a feeling he went to see his family/friends and REALLY wanted to go and didn't feel like waiting until "next week".

He's always been like that. Stubborn...have to tell him 100 times sort of thing. He used to always lock me on the balcony at our old place and even though I told him to check the lock 100 times, he never did. So I eventually took the screen out to get back inside. Then he stopped doing it. He just doesn't listen. He does have aspergers ...and I read that it feels like you have to tell people who suffer from this over and over again the same thing. It doesn't sound bad, but when it comes to more serious issues it really can be frustrating. It's hard.

Do you and your ex have court ordered visitation/child/support/joint custody decreed?

I have custody of him. The father is allowed visitation. He pays child support. His mother was pretty upset that her son didn't agree to get joint-custody (I had nothing against this), either way I let him see his son all the time. But this is just not something I agree with. If I say no, it means no. He literally saw him just 2 weeks ago on a camping trip.

I fully want his son to have a dad, and grandparents. I think it's great, but if he takes him when I clearly said no, that's a big issue. He's just ruining things. Who does that anyway?

I have been catching up on a few old threads and i think calling the police is not overreacting, he essentially took your son without permission and just left with him in a sneaky way, he clearly knew that was wrong! This is kidnapping, even if he is the dad. Too often you hear stories where one parent just up and leaves with the children and flees the country.

And based on how he treated you and was abusive and threatened to kill you as well (doesn't matter if he said it in anger, he still said it) i would actually be terrified.

The main thing now i think is to keep calm until your son is safely back and then take actions! He has to be held accountable for this and there have to be consequences. Otherwise he will do stuff like this more often if he gets away with it.

What a jerk!

sara-pezzini: I can see now why some people on enotalone told me to not have much contact with him after the break up. I was torn between doing that, and letting my son have his dad. I know that he deserves a dad. So far my ex has been just that....a dad. He was acting better then usual recently, and I was starting to trust him. Things were almost "too good" recently. I feel like, he's taking this too far. I did think "this is like kidnapping". I know his grandparents will be good to him though...so there's that. I'm going to just really tell him "if you ever do this again, you can't see your son". There's a fine line here, and you broke it.

Me allowing him to see his son, doesn't mean he can decide something like this and just do it like some kind of criminal. I have a feeling he's not trying to be a criminal though...he's just REALLY stubborn and doesn't think things through. He said a lot of crazy stuff in the past, but I don't think he'd ever do any of that stuff. The grandparents did tell me everything is okay, and they did ask for advice...already posting pictures on facebook.

Oh and he left to go see some friends. Figures. What a dink, I am so upset, but I'm trying to stay calm. He used my son as a pawn to see his friends, that's great. It's so him to do something like this. It doesn't even surprise me, but I am also just plain shocked.

I can imagine your shocked, you try to do the right thing and he does something like this! At least you see it clearly now, don't let him walk all over you!

And the stuff he said, well in my experience sane people don't threaten to kill someone, even in anger so i would keep that in the back of my head. No matter how heated a fight gets, threatening to strangle and kill someone is taking it too far and it was also for no reason at all so it shows how explosive he is able to get if he doesn't get his way, it is a sign of his character.

Glad to hear his parents are very reasonable though, that must make you feel a little better, at least you know your son is safe and taken good care of and loved.

I don't think you should allow him to stay over at your house anymore if he's done this twice now. He and your son are already there so this time is now water under the bridge and its just wasted energy to fret about what's done is done... so no point worrying about that anymore. Just make it so it can't happen again and have an unspoken rule that he gets to have his visitation on the day of and not before and if your son is not well, then you reschedule.

Adding after just reading about past threads: Personally I'd be wanting supervised visits if he's that bold and he's threatened you in the past.

I don't think you should allow him to stay over at your house anymore if he's done this twice now. He and your son are already there so this time is now water under the bridge and its just wasted energy to fret about what's done is done... so no point worrying about that anymore. Just make it so it can't happen again and have an unspoken rule that he gets to have his visitation on the day of and not before and if your son is not well, then you reschedule.

I agree with this. Seeing as this has happened before I would be very wary of letting him stay at the house again. The key here is to stay calm while also setting up firm boundries. No more staying over at the house, and if he takes the kid again without permission do call the police.

I feel better now because his mom phoned and said my son is doing good. She gave him some salt drops. She seems really happy...so I didn't say anything. I think she is innocent in all this, I really do. She is just acting like a grandma to be honest, and she is so pleased to have him there. She knows he's not feeling well so we talked about that for a bit. I think she will take care of him, because in the past she has gone above and beyond for my son, so I think he will be alright. I heard him laughing in the background so that's a good sign. She doesn't seem to ever get phased when he's not feeling well (whether from teething/diaper rash/colds) so I know she is very motherly towards him. This talk with her made me feel a lot better. She did mention she was a bit surprised my ex brought him there if he has a cold, but she said he is doing alright.

As for my ex, yeah...never again. I don't trust him now. I'm saving all my anger for him...I'm not letting this one fly by that's for sure. When this happened last time we were still together (living together).

I feel torn because my son's grandma has the best intentions. She's been really good to him, and I don't ever want that connection to be ruined over my exes and I's squabbles. He has a really good grandma and I want it to stay that way. His grandpa is also in the picture. I'm just glad things seem to be alright.

I'm just going to tell my ex, straight up when he gets back. Enough is enough, there's new rules, and if he breaks them, then he can't take his son out anymore. It's not like the rules are hard anyway it's common sense really.

Thanks for all the advice. I won't let him sleep over anymore that's for sure!

I would consult a lawyer for advice on your options and the best way to go about them.

Then I would have lawyer draft up a letter that specifies the consequences of this happening again.

Then when ex returns child, I would sit with ex and calmly (and kindly) explain to him what freedoms and privileges he stands to lose should he ever do what he did again.

I'd explain that you want to trust that his visitation can remain unsupervised, but if he ever disregards your wishes again, he faces a far more limited arrangement with his child--and he should think carefully before jeopardizing the freedoms he has today.

Do NOT argue with the guy if he gets defensive. Just speak your rehearsed explanation, don't deviate from that to fight over details, give him the lawyer's letter and have a copy sent from the lawyer's office certified mail.

i'd be upset, too! you're not overreacting, in my opinion. seriously, he took your son when you said not to, and you didn't even get to say goodbye to your son on top of it!

Let us know how things go when you talk to him.

I just feel upset because I felt like I gave mother's orders ..he needs to stay home to recover THEN he can go to my exes parents, and he didn't listen to me.

I fully want his son to have a dad, and grandparents. I think it's great, but if he takes him when I clearly said no, that's a big issue. He's just ruining things. Who does that anyway?

 

This is one of the problems with divorce and/or having children out of wedlock. Children deserve to have both their parents. The problem is that because you're no longer together you view your son as your son and his father is someone that you occasionally let set him as long as you have complete control over all of the circumstances. If that's the way things have to be than you're going to need to get custody arranged fully and spelled out in 100% clear legal terms.

 

I certainly understand you being upset when you expected him to be there and he wasn't. That would make any parent worry. But I don't see this as being about the well-being of your son as much as control over your son. When people are together and have children than they have to come to compromise. When people are separated or divorced they think that they should have complete and total say over what happens with their child. He's still your ex's child too, and you're going to have to find a way to trust your ex and his parents with the boy or things are absolutely going to get ugly.

This is about the child's health and her ex saying one thing and doing the opposite. She should not and cannot trust him if he has proven himself untrustworthy. Which he has. She has custody, if he has a problem with that he needs to go back to court.

This is about the child's health and her ex saying one thing and doing the opposite. She should not and cannot trust him if he has proven himself untrustworthy. Which he has. She has custody, if he has a problem with that he needs to go back to court.

Reread OP's post. The concern for her child's well-being is the vehicle through which she's trying to exercise control over the situation. I absolutely do believe she cares about her son's well-being, but the issue she's describing here is absolutely about control. She says repeatedly that she knows that he's safe and will be well taken care of by her ex and his parents, but she's pissed because she's not in control of the taking care.

It doesn't do anyone in the situation any good to think or talk like the situation is about anything other than what it's actually about: control.

So the guy without custody can just take off with the kid at anytime without telling the mom?

He's proven himself untrustworthy and the OP should act accordingly.