Is it just not even worth it? Or am I overreacting..lies, strippers, drama

These posts are always impossible to make because you can never fully encapsulate a relationship and all its nuances in 500 words, but I'll try to include the relevant stuff.

Boyfriend has a history of lying to me. Mostly about harmless things, but last summer I caught him lying about applying to jobs when he was really just sitting home playing games all day long (he was suffering from depression and trying to work through it without telling me). That was really devastating to me, because he didn't just lie about it, he went out of his way to make it look like he was working. He actually would set up the computer with resume and job stuff five minutes before I got home every day, and be like, "wow applied to a few places today - no luck yet. It's tough out there!" while I was working A LOT of hours to support him. I felt completely used and it took a looong time for me to work through that. I had never before thought that he would lie to me, but suddenly I was questioning everything. I started snooping more and more and kept catching him in little lies. About stupid stuff! Finally I told him one more and I was done. I feel like since then we've been good, mostly. A couple rocky parts, and he still ignores me too much in favor of video games, but he's gotten a job and is mostly pulling his weight now. Not depressed anymore now that he's contributing. So getting better. Or I thought we were.

About a month ago he was the best man in a wedding. The bachelor party was two nights before (the wedding was Sunday, the party Friday night). I knew it wasn't my party to plan, and if the bachelor wanted to go to a strip club or whatever I didn't really have a say, but I told boyfriend I was not really okay with him participating if that was the case. He said not to worry, he was just planning some pool, drinking, then coming back to our place for poker. Which I was cool with, even though that meant I was kicked out of my own apartment for a night. I got a cheap hotel room and said have a blast.

The thing is, I of course have some lingering trust issues. And I had a reeally bad feeling. So I audio recorded the whole party. Judge me if you like, but I'm glad I did it. I put off listening to it for a long time, partly just wanting to trust him, and partly because I saw some things after I got home the next morning that didn't give me a good feeling (the coffee table was pushed way out of the way, and a bunch of chairs were arranged in a circle. Obvious much? Also I found a button on the floor and was told it was the groom's).

When I finally listened, I was just skimming through, not really interested in the conversation, just kind of getting a vibe of what had gone down. Then all of sudden, late in the recording (probably around 3am), female voices. Wouldn't you know it!

From what I can tell, my boyfriend was NOT planning this behind my back. He had legitimately planned a night of pool and poker. One of the guys in the group suddenly, in the middle of a random conversation, brought up getting strippers. And the guys pretty much overruled my boyfriend, saying "I know it's your house, but I just want you to know there are strippers coming". I could tell from how quiet he got for the rest of the recording that he was uncomfortable, but feeling pressured and going along with it. I think he was also pretty sure they wouldn't actually be able to find strippers so last minute.

When he got home that night, I asked him about it and he owned up to it immediately. He said that he didn't tell me because he didn't think I'd care - he had stayed in the kitchen for the whole show, so he didn't participate and so didn't do anything wrong. Which I think I believe - at one point the group had to call him into the room to take a shot, and I didn't hear his voice at all the entire time. He's usually pretty loud. Except I think at one point one of the strippers talks to him - she says, "why don't you come up here too [referring to getting a spanking, which the groom was doing also] since it's your house." He refuses (silently, I guess shaking his head) and she backs off, but I think that means he was in the room for at least some of it. Unless she called into the kitchen.

So I have a bunch of conflicting emotions here. I'm very hurt and betrayed that this happened and boyfriend didn't tell me about it. He lied to me again, and knew this was a big deal to me. But I'm not really mad at him for something that was pretty much beyond his control at that point, and that he dealt with I guess as best he could. But just thinking about strippers being in MY HOME with my boyfriend there and him not telling me - not good feelings. I feel invaded, humiliated. Listening to their voices on tape was just such a sickening feeling - knowing there were other girls getting naked in my house. At one point one of the guys said, "NewAroundHere would be pissed!" and a few of them laughed. I don't know how to look at them again, let alone hang out with them. Boyfriend doesn't understand why I feel this way, and I don't know how to explain it. It's like they think they're all playing me for a fool (all the girlfriends, really) and getting away with it. And I did so much to help set up the party in the first place, it's just humiliating!

The other side of it is that at one point, someone got out a camera. And the entire room screamed "NO! No cameras! No evidence!". At another point, the groom said, "If (bride-to-be) knew about this she would stab all of us!". So I think it's pretty clear that none of the girlfriends would be okay with this. Especially the bride-to-be - the groom gets several lap dances and gets physical (spanking) with one of the strippers. A few other guys get lap dances too. And now I know and have proof, what am I supposed to do? I feel horrible not telling the other girls - they are my friends too! But if I did I would torch my own relationship. But maybe I should? Maybe it's not worth it anyway? I have done a total 180 on his friends - I feel like they are just complete scumbags now. Does that make my bf a scumbag too? How can he justify watching his friends potentially cheat on their SOs?

I know I haven't said a lot of shining things about my bf in this post, but he is a good guy. A little inept, and other people's opinions of him mean wayyy too much to him, but he really has a good heart and he generally treats me really well. We have a lot in common and he makes me laugh a lot, and I feel safe with him. He's really just like a big naive kid. I just don't know what to think now.

I just...I feel like all of this would be slightly different for me if it weren't my house that it happened in. It just makes it feel really personal, and like a huge invasion of space and privacy. And so disrespectful that the other guys would feel okay using me to be (slightly?) unfaithful to their girlfriends, who are my friends.

I really don't know what to do.

I would have a serious problem with someone who was busy spending more time making me think they were looking for a job than if they'd just gotten a job while I was supporting them.

That's all you need to know. And all you ever needed to know. Inept people are not capable of that kind of deceit, so you're giving this man passes he doesn't deserve. And you wonder why you keep finding him in lies and what to do about it? Uh, you had your smoking gun long ago, why would you expect honesty, loyalty or anything else from this guy?

I think a couple of strippers at a friend's bachelor party are the least of your problems. And it shouldn't have had to take you forever to work through and be okay with the level of lying he's did and continues to do to you. That just says you swallowed what your gut keeps telling you in favor of pretending its' all okay and he's a good guy when evidence says otherwise. But as long as you stay this is what you get, either be cool with it or leave, you have no other choice.

Personally for me it would not be worth it to have someone with that level of toxicity in my life. And chronic lying is toxic behavior, period.

I'd direct your anger at his friends, but not him. He seemed to do everything he could regarding the circumstances. You said no strippers in the house, and his friends did anyway. Whether your bf knew of this beforehand...is up for debate, and you may never know. I'd at least give him some kind of talking to. This wasn't right...but it wasn't horribly wrong either (from your bf's standpoint) his friends were in the wrong here. But neither you or your bf really can tell them what to do...but you CAN if it's your house.

Hi I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill..what you describe is a very tame bachelor party..they got a few lap dances and spanking so what..they did not have sex or make out with the girls..I think you will just create unnessary drama..let sleeping dogs lay...keep the peace...and because you had a hidden camera you violated their privacy which gives your boyfriend and his friends every right to be angry with you

I'd direct your anger at his friends, but not him. He seemed to do everything he could regarding the circumstances. You said no strippers in the house, and his friends did anyway.

Sorry, but I disagree with this. His friends didn't hold a gun to his head, he had other options yet he chose to ignore them, as in giving them permission to rule the roost.

Either way, between this incident and his history of lying to you, I think it's high time to reconsider this relation.

I"d like to know if your bf was mad at you for taping the conversations that night!

I think peer pressure got the better of him. What guy is going to tell his friends, at a stag party, that he doesn't want strippers when they're on their way?

Also, I don't get how he lied to you, since he didn't know they were coming? He told you the next day, you listened to the recording and it seems he behaved with integrity. I think he's trying, and you should give him the benefit of the doubt.

Look, we all know guys think differently about this sort of stuff. (BTW I'm not condoning it.) And, his friends are absolute douches for doing this in his and your house, but it happened, and regardless of what you think, it's a sort of ghastly rite of passage.

Also, I don't think it's necessary for you to tell their GFs - what purpose would it serve? You are entitled to feel angry and somewhat defiled, but sometimes secrets are best kept to yourself. It will just upset everyone in this particular instance, and ruin an impending wedding. Is it dishonest to do this? I'm not sure, but I think the potential consequences outweigh the need to be truthful. Just my thoughts.

I"d like to know if your bf was mad at you for taping the conversations that night!

Yes, of course! But same song and dance everytime I catch a lie, he is upset but knows he was the one lying, so it's not like he has a leg to stand on. Honestly the whole thing is wildly unhealthy. It's been a long time though since he lied, so I thought we were past all of this.

Also, I don't get how he lied to you, since he didn't know they were coming? He told you the next day, you listened to the recording and it seems he behaved with integrity. I think he's trying, and you should give him the benefit of the doubt.

I guess this was unclear; he definitely lied by omission here. He was never going to tell me. The party happened a month ago, I just listened to the recording on Thursday. He only admitted it after I said I had proof.

Also, I don't think it's necessary for you to tell their GFs - what purpose would it serve? You are entitled to feel angry and somewhat defiled, but sometimes secrets are best kept to yourself. It will just upset everyone in this particular instance, and ruin an impending wedding. Is it dishonest to do this? I'm not sure, but I think the potential consequences outweigh the need to be truthful. Just my thoughts.

If I found out my friend was keeping something like this a secret from me we would no longer be friends. They absolutely have a right to know how their bfs behave when they aren't around. I feel incredibly guilty keeping this from them.

All you do is walk around with no trust in your b/friend. I'm not sure why you are even bothering anymore.

All you do is walk around with no trust in your b/friend. I'm not sure why you are even bothering anymore.

I don't know how to leave him. I think about it a lot. But I do love him and the thought is painful.

You had a life before him, you will have one after. You need to love and respect yourself, more.

White lies are lies. He is not trustworthy. I would have a huge issue with someone lying about their job search while playing games. That is unforgivable.

I think it's time that you set your sights higher.

 

Well then tell them, if you fell so strongly about it. I suspect you'll get your first lesson in understanding that's what's black and white for you, is not for others.