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Thread: My girlfriend doesn't lose weight and driving me away

  1. #1

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    My girlfriend doesn't lose weight and driving me away

    When I first met her several months ago, she was a bit overweight and though it bothered me a little bit, I really liked her and wanted to see how it went. We went out for a bit and we found out we have a lot in common, we get along really well and are pretty much perfect for each other...

    Fast forward 5 months, we are planning on moving in to a new place together... And I don't know that it's a great idea to begin with, but that's not really the issue. She has mentioned she was going to work out more and try and lose weight, and I know she is self conscious/uncomfortable with herself. But she has actually gained weight since we met, which is totally not OK with me...

    She is shorter than me and weighs about 25 lbs more than me, and honestly I can't stand it. There's this side of her that I love, who I actually find attractive and I really want to be with. Then there's this other side of her that is addicted to food and embarrasses me and is completely unattractive to me. It's honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

    I kind of mentioned it recently and actually went and bought her a treadmill since she is self conscious about going to the gym. I really want to help her lose weight and I've been going on runs with her outside and stuff to help her out, but she says it's something she is really sensitive about and needs to work on herself... So I was patient with her and she seems to want to get into shape, and she started using the treadmill a bit and trying to eat better. But honestly she has made no progress and she is slacking off again (never uses the treadmill) and I don't know if she just snacks all day while I'm at work or what, but she's still pretty much the same weight.

    Now I've always had a problem with overweight people. I just could never understand why someone would let that happen to their lovely body. But being with her has enlightened me a lot about food addiction, and I know for her it's mostly an emotional thing (as well as she just loves food too much). And now I have no idea what to do, because I love her a lot, but I can't stop thinking about her weight problem. I think about it every singe day. I lose sleep over it. I get depressed and sad for days on end because of it, and when she knows something is wrong and tells me I can tell her anything, I have to lie, because there's no way I can tell her what I'm thinking.

    It's honestly ruining our relationship. I'm not at all attracted to her body and I'm getting more and more fed up with her. I'm beginning to think it's too big of a problem for her and that she will never get into shape. And I want to help her but it doesn't seem like she will let me. I am at the point now where I feel that I can't handle it anymore. I love her so much but this thing just plagues my mind every day, and it's something that I just can't get over. I donít think itís a good idea to give her an ultimatum, and I donít know how to mention to her that this is completely ruining me. But either she just gets into shape, or our relationship will fall apart.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator agent's Avatar
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    You have to leave her.

    You can't go into a relationship hoping someone will change. No matter what that change is supposed to be. And more than that, you can't be in a relationship with soomeone you feel embarrassed to be with - because you're embarrassed, but I assure you, that's humiliating to your gf.

    You have to realise that this is a deal breaker for you, and not to get into relationships with people who, no matter how much you like them as a person, don't share your passion for that ideal.

    Do not move in with her. Do not. It will just make everything harder.

  3. #3
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    Well, I think maybe you should just break up with her. I mean, clearly she is not to your taste because you're not attracted to bigger women. You say you still dated her because you love her and her personality when she was a bit smaller, but obviously you DON'T love her because if she doesn't have the body, her personality doesn't seem much to you. Some people actually do put on weight very easily (like me) and have to work extra hard even just to lose a few kilos (like me). It's true that you can't just force her, so maybe just spare both of you and let her go. Honestly you sound really shallow because you even say she embarrasses you. If you can't even be seen dating an overweight person or out in public with her then I think she should be embarrassed of YOU. The body is just a shell and it's what's inside that counts. If you value the outside more then find someone whose looks appeal to you more. I'd love to see how you'll feel if you put weight on one day.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    OP, when reading all of the above, there is only one thing to do, and do it NOW - break up with her. When you have all these unbelievably negative feelings about her, then this "relationship" is going nowhere. Ever. This is doomed in more ways than one. Whatever you do, do NOT move in together.

    Please, please, do the right thing and do her a huge favor and end it - the sooner the better.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    starklet, honestly some people would RIP you to shreds over this! There is more to a person than a number on a scale. Would you rather have a fake, wannabe pretty girl with silicon jugs or would you rather have a loving and caring women which sounds like you have now? Dating a woman with a few extra pounds isn't the end of the world. And if you want to see others in that position, look at Pirece Brosnan, freaking JAMES BOND, his wife is flat out fat, but he loves her and has been married to her many years. That is an example of a man that could probably get all the tail he wants and he chose a fat woman.

    First and foremost, I agree with agent. You should NOT move in with this girl right away considering this problem. Number two; I think before kicking this girl to the curb, you should work on your problems as to why you cannot tolerate her having a few extra pounds. She is trying to do things about it. You can't force her to lose weight. And maybe you need a strategy for it, to be loving and supporting of her life in other areas. Also, you have to realize, weight control is something that is HUGELY genetic. I myself, I am a guy, 25. I am a religious fitness person, I train almost everyday, I do my best to eat healthy, I am in martial arts. And I have had a stomach on me for many years. Not a hugely noticeable one, but I've never had no six pack abs. And I think it has to do with genetics, because both my parents have had pot bellies and my mothers side especially was on the heavy side.

    I would work on the weight problem some more. Then finally, number three. How old are you, starklet? You know, if you aren't that old and not in a rush to get married, then by all means, dump her over her weight. It wouldn't be the greatest thing in the world. But if you are young, you have plenty of time to find someone else that is skinnier. Also, I will stick up for you a bit here because I know my thread sounds like I am picking on you over the weight. Personally I don't like fat girls either. I don't mind a little bit of fat which is normal, but there is a fine line that gets crossed where it gets hugely unattractive. I also worry about how a woman will get as they age. If they can't maintain their weight when they are young, what will they look like when they are 40 and popped out a couple kids? There are also other health issues that can arise obviously.

    You are not in the wrong by any means to take this seriously and consider it a deal breaker. Also, you say she is a food addict, that is NOT good. That can mean in years from now she can have diabetes and heart problems. I wouldn't want to be stuck with someone with those health issues, especially with kids. You have some deciding to do. Either keep working on the fat problem (both you and her) or break up and move on. Good luck.

  7. #6
    Silver Member BMP2CPM's Avatar
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    Original Poster: Here's the million dollar question, "Why don't you think you can do better?" If you thought you could do better, you would be with a women with an idea body weight. Work on yourself, work on your career, work on your social skills, get out more, and attractive women will seek you out. And you'll never have to make a post like this again. PM me if you want some tips.

    I married an overweight woman, so I kind of have like 17 years experience with the topic. The only times I saw she was serious about weight loss, I mean really serious is when she was interested in other guys. Live and learn. Like you say, it's an addiction. Even if she gets a handle on it, she may just substitute one addiction for another. Also, her weight may very well be a result of childhood issues that could take a decade or more to resolve.

  8. #7
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    I understand if she's overeating and really doesn't want to do any exercise, but you all also have to keep in mind that losing weight is REALLY hard and genetics can play such a huge part that losing substantial weight is almost impossible. Both my parents have basically always been large (obese in fact). My Mum's Grandmother, mother and sister were really large (very obese). I'm actually the smallest member of my immediate family because I don't eat too much sugar, eat healthy, only drink water and tea and unsweetened coffee with skim milk. I also walk a lot every day. Even with all that work, I'm still an Australian size 14 (US 10-12 I think). I could never be slim. The only time I was slim was when I suffered from anorexia, due to people giving me a hard time about my weight. I agree that a person needs to lead a healthy lifestyle but don't jump down her throat and force her. Rather than taking the judgemental approach, be more supportive and actually ask what exercises she enjoys and stuff like that.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member toby17's Avatar
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    Stop trying to fix her. What you're doing to her is cruel and bad for her self-esteem. Making someone feel like they only have to change for you to love them is abuse.

    Leave her. You should have never gotten involved with her if she was overweight and gaining more would upset you.

    You might as well know that most women gain weight between 35-55 when they enter peri-menopause so you're going to have to deal with this eventually no matter who you're with. But for now, let this girl go so you can both be happy.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    As an overweight woman (formerly very obese land whale) I URGE you to leave her. If she wants to lose weight, fine, but she needs to do that in her own time, for herself. You can't spur or pressure her to do that. It will ruin the relationship and she'll probably just gain it all back (plus some) if she loses for the wrong reason.

    I see what musicman777 is saying, yes, I don't look much on the outside personally but if you do, then you need to date someone who is in shape. I really think you need to leave. You haven't been together that long. Cut your losses.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member winniethepooh's Avatar
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    It's not over till the fat lady sings

    Originally Posted by starklet
    and honestly I can't stand it.
    Then either you need to change or she does or you both do. Or the relationship will get worse, or end.

    Originally Posted by starklet
    I donít think itís a good idea to give her an ultimatum,
    Ultimatums rarely are. But choices ... now there's something to consider.

    Originally Posted by starklet
    and I donít know how to mention to her that this is completely ruining me.
    Mention that it's completely ruining you and take it from there. You'll either have a productive conversation or something else. Either way, it will be one step in a direction that resolves this situation somehow. Perhaps badly, but not as bad as doing nothing.

    It can depend on how you present yourself. If you feel guilty about wanting to date someone who is physically attractive to you then that will be apparent.

    You probably can't win though, so to speak. If the relationship ends, she's more likely to become more attractive to attract a new man, but you'll have lost her. If you say anything she and others are likely to jump down your throat about picking on her or something.

    People can and do change all the time. Sometimes slowly, sometimes with a lot of work. When there is balance in how much effort each partner brings to the table, it can only help make a relationship work better. If she is serious about wanting to lose weight you can try and do your bit to encourage her and help her. If she is not serious then you have to accept that or move on. But whatever she says, actions always speak louder than words.

    Not everyone can lose weight but most can. That doesn't mean it's easy, and for some it's much more difficult than for others.

    We all have different preferences when it comes to the physical attributes of people we date. I'm fat so I accept that a number of people won't find me as attractive as if I was slim. That's my problem not theirs, and I'm fortunate in that I can do something about it if I want. I can't so easily adjust my height or skin color or reduce the size of my big nose. I can complain to the manufacturer that it's not fair some people are created more beautiful than others but it won't change the world I live in. What's not fair is to mislead people into thinking you find them attractive when you don't (if physical attractiveness is important to you), and that's something you and I and others can try and avoid doing much more easily than changing the world.

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