Ex Wants Another Chance, But Denies Cheating With Strippers

My bf, James (23) and I(25) are both military and have been together nearly 3 yrs, mostly long distance (we're 10 hrs apart now). At the start, we made boundaries for cheating. Since we're both jealous, we said kissing, flirting and all the various types of sex were wrong. I also told him if he cheated on me, I'd leave.

 

Now, just a few days ago, James texted me saying he'd gotten drunk with friends at a strip club and bought 5 lapdances from 2 strippers. I told him if kissing and flirting were cheating, how much MORE were lapdances from STRIPPERS! I was furious. I told him we were done.

 

Now he's begging for another chance. At first he said he was SORRY he cheated. But later, after I calmed down, James said he does NOT believe he cheated at all, even though it was against our boundaries--because he "felt no emotional connection and was unattracted to her". But then again he also said, if he WAS attracted "he'd be fighting for me less." James went on to say he "still loves and cares about me" and "was thinking about me while getting his lapdances".

 

I'm confused. James suddenly changes his views after he KNOWS screws up. But if it were vise versa, he said he'd be equally upset if I were half naked on another man.

 

Please help. I love him but Im disgusted by him now. I'm unsure what I'm asking but I'm unsure where to go from here.

If you take him back he will not respect your boundaries and will continue to cheat.

 

It's over.

I think you are taking this stripper joint visit way too seriously. I don't personally go to them but some men like to go to strip clubs from time to time even if they are with someone. They have a few beers, a couple buddies talk them into it, one thing leads to another and they are out having lap dances from bimbos. Questionable hobby of some guys but not enough of a bad behavior to be considered "cheating" IMHO. And this was a one time thing it sounds like, it doesn't sound like he is visiting this places every other night.

 

Sounds like this was just a night of good fun with his buddies after drinking one too many beers, absolutely nothing more. I think you need to quit labeling "cheating" so harshly. It is part of human nature that people admire and maybe even flirt with others. It doesn't mean anything. There is an old saying, I can't remember how it goes. But it is something like, you walk by a flower somewhere, you appreciate it, admire that it is a beautiful thing, and move on without picking it from the ground. That is kind of how life is with physical attraction. You can't force your boyfriend to not be sexually attracted to other people or have people admire him. He's still a man and he also wants to enjoy time with his friends. And I'm sure you have looked at a handsome guy or two while you two are dating. It is part of nature.

 

Furthermore, I consider cheating when a partner intentionally has physical intimacy with another person behind your back that they may have feelings for. That part you are correct about, there shouldn't be hugging, kissing, sex, or any physical intimacy with others, that I can agree on. This wasn't behind your back, he doesn't have feelings for strippers, and he did not have any sort of intimacy with them. They gave him a lap dance, he didn't go all the way with them. He wasn't kissing or having sex with them. I think you need to lighten up and show some forgiveness, especially because you love him. I'm a guy, but if I had a girlfriend I would not mind if they went to a male strip joint once for fun. I certainly wouldn't feel "good" about it, but if she was honest about it, still loved me, and it did't get out of hand or become some daily/weekly habit, I wouldn't really mind too much.

 

Show forgiveness this time. If this becomes a frequent habit or more questionable things happen then that is when to start worrying. This one I would let off the hook, but tell him it did hurt your feelings and you would appreciate it if he didn't go to those kinds of places anymore.

It sounds like they already set some pretty rigid boundaries. Whether or not boys will be boys, the two made an agreement and not only did he dishonor it, but he rescinded any remorse over it and the OP has to ask herself whether she'll trust him to respect those boundaries again. He also stated that while he felt he did nothing wrong, he would think it's wrong if she did the same thing.

 

OP, at this point, it's about what you expect out of a relationship. Many guys want to be able to go to a strip club on occasion. Many others would be more than happy to respect boundaries that include them not being able to do so. While I don't think your boyfriend will be making a weekly ritual out of it, paying for 5 lap dances in a single night tells me it probably won't be his last visit. Only difference is he won't tell you next time.

It almost seems that he was testing your boundaries.

 

Why else would he tell you about this escapade? If someone is "cheating" and wants to remain with their partner, they would do everything possible to keep it hidden. Learn from the mistake.

 

You told him YOU WOULD LEAVE if he cheated on you. What he did met the definition of "cheating" you had agreed upon (for whatever reason).

 

You really have no choice but to walk away and break off contact. You're long distance anyway. How could he respect you, and how could you respect yourself, if he broke the rules and you don't implement the consequences you threatened? If you stay in this, he will walk all over you.

James is very sorry. Not sorry about cheating....He doesn't think he cheated; he's sorry that he was out of line and disrespectful. But not sorry for cheating.

 

He promised me he wouldn't go again cause he felt 'far from God being drunk and being around strippers And didnt like who he became. '

 

However the fact still remains that he broke our boundaries and changed his mind on them AFTER he screwed up. To me it kinda feels like he's justifying himself, even though he says he 'didnt plan for the lapdances to happen. '

It almost seems that he was testing your boundaries.

 

Why else would he tell you about this escapade? If someone is "cheating" and wants to remain with their partner, they would do everything possible to keep it hidden. Learn from the mistake.

 

You told him YOU WOULD LEAVE if he cheated on you. What he did met the definition of "cheating" you had agreed upon (for whatever reason).

 

You really have no choice but to walk away and break off contact. You're long distance anyway. How could he respect you, and how could you respect yourself, if he broke the rules and you don't implement the consequences you threatened? If you stay in this, he will walk all over you.

 

I asked him why he told me. He said he's just a blunt honest person. But in all our time together he wasnt like this. He said this was his 2nd time at the stripclub. The first time he really said nothing about it. Minimal detail. I almost forgot about it. This time though he volunteeringly gave me so much detail.....it was like the stripper was in the room with me! He said he felt I should know for honesty sake. But that's too much! But he acts like he doesnt get it.

 

Im unsure why he'd be testing me NOW if that's the case. We got off our vacation and were talking about finances and marriage ...and then this happens

Guilt got to him finally.

Guilt got to him finally.

explain. ...........

James is very sorry. Not sorry about cheating....He doesn't think he cheated; he's sorry that he was out of line and disrespectful. But not sorry for cheating.

 

He promised me he wouldn't go again cause he felt 'far from God being drunk and being around strippers And didnt like who he became. '

 

However the fact still remains that he broke our boundaries and changed his mind on them AFTER he screwed up. To me it kinda feels like he's justifying himself, even though he says he 'didnt plan for the lapdances to happen. '

The bottom line is that he's sorry for what you want him to be sorry for. He simply isn't calling it the same word you are. People definitely have different interpretations of the word "cheating," but he knows he betrayed your trust.

 

He broke the agreement. You need to decide whether you feel you can trust him with that agreement again and whether you can forgive him. Those are really the only things that matter.

You had an agreement. He broke it. You said you would end it if he did. Stick to your word or your word won't mean much in the future.

I wouldn't say what he did was right, but in this case it seems the punishment doesn't fit the crime, IMO.

I don't want to confuse you here. Getting a lap dance isn't cheating. But if my GF wasn't ok with it, I wouldn't do it. That simple.

 

I don't LOVE strippers/strip clubs or lap dances so giving that up honestly wouldn't be difficult for me. But if he is getting lap dances form other women it could also mean this... maybe he isn't finding that excitement at home, have you ever thought of giving him a lap dance? That would definitely remove the need to go get some elsewhere. If it doesn't then he has another issue: wanting affection from other women, then THAT is a big problem.

 

What I would do is this, (I haven't head most of the responses) so take it what it is worth. I'd tell him how you feel about him getting lap dances, that is hurts your feelings because it shows that he isn't into you and doesn't respect you. If he is really sorry and promises he won't do it again, I would decide whether I believe him or not. Second chances are meant to be given, but not thirds.

 

So if you believe he won't do it again, and tell him he needs to put in an effort, and you believe this as well, then give him a second chance. Then when things settle down and you two are happy again, YOU give him a lap dance... show him you are making the effort as well. If you have no clue how to give one, I'd say study a little. I know it is asking a little more of you especially when he is at fault, but the outcome could benefit you greatly.

It almost seems that he was testing your boundaries.

 

Why else would he tell you about this escapade? If someone is "cheating" and wants to remain with their partner, they would do everything possible to keep it hidden. Learn from the mistake.

 

You told him YOU WOULD LEAVE if he cheated on you. What he did met the definition of "cheating" you had agreed upon (for whatever reason).

 

You really have no choice but to walk away and break off contact. You're long distance anyway. How could he respect you, and how could you respect yourself, if he broke the rules and you don't implement the consequences you threatened? If you stay in this, he will walk all over you.

 

According to him he's bringing it up to be honest.

 

I think he brought it up to see my reaction for whatever reason....and possibly to ease his guilt with a. 'Its ok baby I still love you' answer.

 

I have no idea why he'd be testing me now. We were just talking marriage a month before this!

 

He promised to stay away from the clubs and drinking cause they make him. Feel nasty and unspiritual. But we're long distance. I have no way of telling. He keeps asking if there's anything he can do to rebuild my trust. I dont know. Again we're long distance. I need damn near absolute trust to do an ldr. I dont have that now. A part of me feels like I'd be burying my head in sand to get back with him

First, This is not about YOUR boundaries or about me changing my boundaries to be more reasonable for you.

 

Second, love alone shouldnt decide if you stay together. Love, I believe, means NOTHING without loyalty and respect ....which magically disappeared when he CHOSE to get drunk and buy strippers.

 

I've expressed my feelings. He understands. And I know I can forgive him. But in my book forgiveness can be separate from getting back together

The bottom line is that he's sorry for what you want him to be sorry for. He simply isn't calling it the same word you are. People definitely have different interpretations of the word "cheating," but he knows he betrayed your trust.

 

He broke the agreement. You need to decide whether you feel you can trust him with that agreement again and whether you can forgive him. Those are really the only things that matter.

 

You're right. I can NOT trust him with my boundaries anymore because he said he no longer believes in it. And thinks it'd be better to hold to his instead.

You're right. I can NOT trust him with my boundaries anymore because he said he no longer believes in it. And thinks it'd be better to hold to his instead.

 

You do what you think is right. I just want to point out that he told you. He didn't hide it, he didn't sneak around, you didn't have to hear it from mutual friends, or find out in some shady way. He felt bad about it and respected you enough to tell you straight up even though he knew it would upset you. There is the potential to rebuild trust when there's honesty. Only you can decide if you're willing to give him the opportunity to rebuild that trust.

Kissing another woman and having another woman grind on you is kissing another woman and having another woman grind on you. It does not matter if she is someone he had his eye on, whether she is a random girl at a bar, or a stripper. He agreed to the rules. And that is a LOT of stuff that happened - the multiple lap dances. Its not like he got drunk and a woman kissed him on the lips and then he snapped out of it and realized what was going on and stopped himself - this was multiiple financial transactions and he is either lying (he knew full well what he was doing) or he is very scary when he is drunk - loses all common sense and control.

 

I am sorry - this is not "boys will be boys." When you are in a relationship you mutually agree to certain boundaries and if those boundaries are something you decide you don't agree with, then you don't enter into/continue that relationship or you talk to your SO and renegotiate them before doing anything if you feel they are unreasonable - and if your SO doesnt agree, then consider what is important to you or leave.

 

Thre is also the novel concept of being a grownup and if you feel you will be tempted down the wrong road, you avoid that road - you opt out of the activity.

 

I agree on staying broken up. 3 days or three weeks is not long enough for him to make any changes and its very telling that he is defending his actions instead of admitting he was in err "its not cheating". if its not cheating, then he reduces the stripper to an object and not a living, breathing person in addition. If you ever allow him back, it has to be months or years and not weeks and he has to have demonstrated that he has a better character. To me, thre is more fish in teh sea.

 

There are other guys out there. Don't believe that they all lose control in front of strippers because they don't.

 

And I know I can forgive him. But in my book forgiveness can be separate from getting back together

 

This needs to be tacked up on a lot of peoples' bathroom mirrors so they can read it every day.

I say, if it's all so "normal" for boyfriends to get lapdances from strippers YOU get to have a 5 lapdances from 2 male strippers! I really do.

 

Because it's all good and well to say "boys will be boys", but if you don't want to be in a gender stereotyped relationship from the 50's then those sort of rules don't apply...

 

If my boyfriend ordered 5 lapdances from 2 strippers I'd be appalled though and I'm certain my boyfriend wouldn't like me doing the same. I think strip clubs are pretty disgusting and being with someone who was more than happy to objectify women like that wouldn't make me feel all too secure in my relationship.

 

Having said that, if it was a stag night or something and someone had bought a stripper (what a horrible sentence) for my bf and it was sort of "forced upon him" that would be different I think. ..maybe...I'm not even sure!

Also...

 

You don't have to give this guy lap dances to stop him going out and getting lap dances.

 

That seems to me a way of putting the blame on you which it shouldn't be.

 

Do people who get cheated on deserve it because their partners not getting what they need at home? NO THEY DON'T.

 

If you love someone and want to be with them, whether or not they give you lap dances doesn't determine that.

Also...

 

You don't have to give this guy lap dances to stop him going out and getting lap dances.

 

That seems to me a way of putting the blame on you which it shouldn't be.

 

Do people who get cheated on deserve it because their partners not getting what they need at home? NO THEY DON'T.

 

If you love someone and want to be with them, whether or not they give you lap dances doesn't determine that.

 

Thank you.

Also, even if I was able to give lap dances to his heart's content, it STILL wouldnt be enough because our jobs require a lot of travel and time apart. Which is where HE, needs to wear his big boy pants, and learn SELF-CONTROL.

Also...

 

You don't have to give this guy lap dances to stop him going out and getting lap dances.

 

That seems to me a way of putting the blame on you which it shouldn't be.

 

Do people who get cheated on deserve it because their partners not getting what they need at home? NO THEY DON'T.

 

If you love someone and want to be with them, whether or not they give you lap dances doesn't determine that.

 

I think you might be taking the lap dances idea a little too critically. It was an idea, in human psychology, people want what they can't have. Sometimes many don't have the control or self-respect or worse, no respect for their significant other to deny those urges.

 

Anyway, OP, if you aren't ok with him going, tell him, and if he can't respect that, then that is a huge problem. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't respect my wishes.

 

As mentioned before, I had a GF who disliked me going to strip clubs. We discussed it, I told her I wouldn't go. I never went again. Relationships are about give and take. Mutual agreement.