8 months and still casual…leave or stay?

Been dating eight months. We see each other one to two times a week. The relationship is progressing very slowly. There is a significant age difference. He is mid 50s and I am 16 years younger. He's never been married, no kids, never lived with anyone, and no real long-term relationship lasting more than a year. I rarely spend the night. He is very finicky and says he is a light sleeper but always very sweet and affectionate toward me beyond that.

He contacts me every couple of days and he initiates the majority of the time. For the most part, the relationship has been very casual and relaxed with zero drama.

I've also been dating other men, since there is has been no spoken word of commitment with him, but I am not sleeping around. I haven't met anyone else I like as much as him, but I am getting tired of multi-dating, and wearing thin with this man's lack of action for a solid stable relationship.

I'm not one to suggest, throw ultimatums or coax someone into a relationship with me and I'm having trouble determining where I stand or how to enforce something more solid than status quo.

Every time I see him, it is on the tip of my tongue to discuss commitment, but I chicken out and just can't do it. I want him to do it, but I don't think he will, given his dating history. I need your help with how to approach this delicately without seeming needy. Part of me is losing interest fast and wants to leave. Another part of me wants to stay with him as it's challenging and he's charming and hot.

mid-50s and not ever had a long-term relationship?

He's showing yo exactly how he lives his life. He in an inveterate bachelor.

If you want to find out if he will change his lifestyle for you, then you will have to ask him.

But even then, just look at how has lived for the last 30 years.

Sorry but I don't see him changing his life for you or anyone else.

Basically you have nothing to loose by asking right?

If you want something in life don't just sit back and wait for it, go out and get it.

Just tell him straight out that it has been fun but you want something more substantial in your life and if he isn't interested in that it is time to end this.

I think your best bet is to end it and focus on finding something real.

Lost

Why would he initiate when you are telling him in your actions that you are perfectly fine with the way things are? He's free, you're free and he's getting it regular.

If you want more I think you're going to have to express to him that that is what you would want going forward. If you're too afraid to tell someone what you want then it likely means that you don't know what you want and so you allow the coasting to continue because being with him in a lesser capacity is better then not being with him. You mention nothing about actually loving him... To me that's a hint that you don't really want to continue on but are just too afraid to let go???? *shrugs* only you can self-reflect enough to figure yourself out and what your true needs really are.

Figure out what you actually want with this man and then let him know one way or the other. Maybe he'll give you a commitment if that is what you actually want.. Do you?

BTW: You are one of the many women who have allowed this man to coast. Why would he need to commit when he can get everything he needs while avoiding the interference of the day to day hassle of nurturing a relationship with just one woman. I would imagine that he too is multiple dating but I wouldn't be as sure that he's being sexually exclusive. He IS 50... maybe he's slowing down. *shrugs again*

I do love him but I feel very guarded because I have his dating history floating over my head like a rainy cloud.

I'm scared of being hurt by someone much older/wiser, so all along I've been playing it safe and giving him only as much as he gives me.

What makes you say he is sleeping around?

The other day he told me he's slowed down considerably. I told him he's got the stamina of a 40 year old and he said sadly, "But I really don't."

Well, like I said he's getting older so maybe you're his only sexual partner at this time but you've never discussed exclusivity (sexual exclusivity or otherwise) so the possibility certainly exists that he hasn't been. Just because you haven't had sex with anyone else but him, it doesn't mean he hasn't so maybe you can start your discussion with telling him that you have been and you were wondering if he has been as well and then just let it progress naturally to what it is you'd like going forward and what are his thoughts on that.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun... perhaps you discussed sexual exclusivity before you allowed the ditching of the safety precautions?

I only want to ask for a commitment if I'm sure he can give it to me.

I don't know if it's the age difference or he's purposely keeping me at an arm's distance by scheduling dates only once/twice a week.

At 8 months out, I'd expect we'd have keys to each other's places by now.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun... perhaps you discussed sexual exclusivity before you allowed the ditching of the safety precautions?

We both got tested…negative for both. Then after, we would check in with each other every time before the deed, "I'm not sleeping with anyone else. Are you? No. Are you? No." Grin…and then romp. Soon we stopped checking in with each other…

He is an MD, head of his department, so I highly doubt he'd put my life and his life in danger by being promiscuous.

Well then just figure out what you want with this man, ask for it if its more then what you're getting and you actually want more. If he won't give it to you then you'd be a fool to settle. I think that's why you're afraid to ask...you want to continue the romp and you know you'll not be as into it if he doesn't want what you are thinking you want which (I think) is moving this along with sleep overs, commitment and being able to stop the nonsense dating you've been doing.

If you love him you're wasting the other men's time that you're going out with don't you think?

If you love him you're wasting the other men's time that you're going out with don't you think?

I don't think I am wasting their time, because I'm not committed to him. If there is someone out there who will actually love me back and commit to me, then I can consider my options.

So far, he has given me no indication he wants to commit to me. Stuck.

Like right now, it's a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I have no idea what he's doing and I'm going to a party tonight that I didn't invite him to. Then I will see him tomorrow for dinner and TV.

This is not really the way I want to live.

Is this the trait of a lifelong bachelor or someone with low-level interest or the way 56-year-old men date?

You will never view a guy as a potential life mate when your mind and heart is on someone else. They just won't shine the way they would if you were free in heart and mind. Its human nature... unless of course you are polyamorous?

You will never view a guy as a potential life mate when your mind and heart is on someone else. They just won't shine the way they would if you were free in heart and mind. Its human nature... unless of course you are polyamorous?

NO WAY, I am not polyamorous. Been in two very long-term relationships and learning a lot about dating.

I am learning that I can barely multi-date…hence my post. I'm wearing thin with this relationship.

BTW: You're only stuck because you don't really know what you want. If you knew what your end goal in dating was you certainly wouldn't let a confessed non-committer coast with you like he has been. You would have ended it by now because you clearly know deep down inside that he won't be your husband/live in lover.

BUT (big but) you'll never actually know if you're the one that made him want to be someone's husband until you ask. Do it when you know what your end goal in dating is.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to grit your teeth and initiate an "exclusivity" conversation. You need to ask him where he sees your relationship being in the next 6 months. In the next year, 2 years. Men who are interested in commitments make plans. They don't conduct empty ended activity with no end game.

I know you feel uncomfortable but the conversation has to be done.

Men who are interested in commitments make plans.

I guess this by default means he isn't interested in a commitment.

He hasn't made any plans whatsoever except to watch TV tomorrow and take apart my printer to see what's wrong with it.

I guess this by default means he isn't interested in a commitment.

 

He hasn't made any plans whatsoever except to watch TV tomorrow and take apart my printer to see what's wrong with it.

When I mean plans I'm talking long term plans. When a man wants a commitment they start talking about future goals with you. That is usually a hint that they want to stay with you long term.

If we played this out…

I initiate the conversation. He says he can't offer commitment. Then what? I'll have to walk away because if I stay I look like a sucker…and no more fooling around.

I initiate the conversation. He says okay. Then we start building a life together...

Do I give him time to think about it or do I just cut him cold turkey?

Please forgive me. He is the first person I've dated this long since I got out of my 12-year . I'm clueless and hate being powerless. He's got years of experience beyond me.

I do love him but I feel very guarded because I have his dating history floating over my head like a rainy cloud.

I'm scared of being hurt by someone much older/wiser, so all along I've been playing it safe and giving him only as much as he gives me.

 

What makes you say he is sleeping around?

The other day he told me he's slowed down considerably. I told him he's got the stamina of a 40 year old and he said sadly, "But I really don't."

Trust me, being older doesn't necessarily equate to wiser.

It sounds like you have different relationship goals. And it doesn't sound like he's going to change his anytime soon. Probably best to move on.

Another part of me wants to stay with him as it's challenging and he's charming and hot.

Sounds like you're more interested in games and sex than a relationship.

If we played this out…

 

I initiate the conversation. He says he can't offer commitment. Then what? I'll have to walk away because if I stay I look like a sucker…and no more fooling around.

I initiate the conversation. He says okay. Then we start building a life together...

 

Do I give him time to think about it or do I just cut him cold turkey?

 

Please forgive me. He is the first person I've dated this long since I got out of my 12-year . I'm clueless and hate being powerless. He's got years of experience beyond me.

Just because someone is older does not make them more mature or beyond you by default. I know some middle aged people who are quite silly, childish or responsibility avoiders. I know this woman in her late 40s whose going on 16 emotionally. So I would stop putting him on a pedestal.

You need to ask yourself: "What do I want?" Once you know what you want have the conversation. If the guy is not interested in what you want then I would think you would move on. You have only been with him 8 months not 8 years. You yourself have to be goal oriented if you expect him to be goal oriented.

I'm getting the sense that you don't have any goals yourself at this point. Like someone else said here one gets the feeling you don't know what you want either.

Trust me, being older doesn't necessarily equate to wiser.

 

It sounds like you have different relationship goals. And it doesn't sound like he's going to change his anytime soon. Probably best to move on.

 

 

 

Sounds like you're more interested in games and sex than a relationship.

Sportster, you two are about the same age. Is this difference in dating styles due to an age gap? At 56, I'd think he'd want to quit playing the field and slow down with one woman.

He just seems so conservative and formal sometimes. I'm really carefree and silly and he's a bit stoic. I'll say a crazy off-the-wall comment and have him rolling with laughter. He says none of his friends are that funny. I FB stalked him and his friends do seem unfunny, and I have never seen a photo of him with the same woman. yes…confirmed bachelor.

If we played this out…

 

I initiate the conversation. He says he can't offer commitment. Then what? I'll have to walk away because if I stay I look like a sucker…and no more fooling around.

I initiate the conversation. He says okay. Then we start building a life together...

 

Do I give him time to think about it or do I just cut him cold turkey?

 

Please forgive me. He is the first person I've dated this long since I got out of my 12-year . I'm clueless and hate being powerless. He's got years of experience beyond me.

You seem to be giving him all the power and that's why its gone on so long with him just coasting. You talk, he tells you (hopefully) how he views your relationship and then YOU decide if what he is proposing is something that you can live with WHILE BEING HAPPY (that's key) or you leave if the hanging in mid air is causing you angst and it turns out that's all he wants. You don't need to tell him what you want until you know what it is he is feeling/wanting/expecting as time goes on. See, you really have to have your best interests in mind when you have this conversation and to be able to have your best interests in mind you have to know what you really want. What you want can wait to be told until you know what he's willing to give you.

E.G. He wants to coast like you've been doing and not "label" it or change a thing. If you are okay with it say, "okay" and then boff one another. If you want more then that then you say "okay" and boff one another. Next time you meet you tell him that you need more then that and coasting isn't your end goal so you'll miss him and so long. (I'm sure he has heard similar many times in his dating life) Then you keep on dating and keeping your options open with clear head and heart and find someone who has your same goals.

Don't ever be afraid to sever an addictive relationship that is stagnating you from finding someone on the same page and who wants to achieve the same end goal. Holy... being afraid of that is just more wasted emotion. You've been in other relationship of the long term so you know there will always be someone else, eventually. You're a smart, confident, funny, good catch so don't be "afraid."

At eight months, and given his relationship history, I don't think he's going to commit to you. Because a guy who wants commitment will be open about it, will state it, will make sure you know it so some other guy doesn't snatch you up instead. You can and should speak up and if you're afraid to speak up then this is not a healthy relationship to be having anyways, because if you can't fully have a voice and communicate then something is already wrong. At eight months, not saying you should be getting married, but you should be feeling closer and being included more in his life and viceversa instead of in what sounds like a holding pattern that's very predictable.

So a simple, "So (Name) we've been dating for eight months now and I'm wondering, is this going to be a committed relationship or do you want to keep doing the casual thing?" What he tells you will speak volumes and anything less than a "I've been so afraid to ask if you'd like to take our relationship to the next level" after which you get to meet his family and friends and get invited to work functions, his house and more is pretty much going to be your answer. Also beware of future faking phrases like "Well, I can see myself with you down the road, but right now work is crazy..." or "Well, we already pretty much are, right?" or other non-answers designed to get you to back off and that leave you feeling confused anyways.

And no, it's not an age thing. My experience has been the opposite in that it was usually younger men who dragged their feet a whole lot more trying to keep it casual. If an older man I was dating was looking to commit they'll usually do it within a few months understanding there can be competition and that good thing they have with you could go away in a heartbeat to some other guy if he tarries too long.

Regardless you should never fear speaking up and being able to communicate with someone, especially if you share your body with them already then why can't you share your mind and heart? Maybe it would help to take a moment and really reflect on why you're so afraid to speak up? Is that normal with you or a set pattern or did something happen in your past to make you feel like you don't deserve to ask for what you want? If so, maybe addressing that at the same time will give you a clearer path to what you need to do.

You need to look at the guy as he really is, not as what you hope he can be or might change into being. He's fine with seeing you once or twice a week, with getting sex from you and a date here and there, but that doesn't spell commitment at all. That spells friends with benefits and those are not committed relationships, but rather simply about getting certain needs met while not having to commit to all the responsibilities that come with a fully committed relationship.

ParisPaulette's response is spot on!

It's really very simple. You just need to introduce a conversation about where he sees things between you in the future. His response will speak volumes. You are scared to do this, because you are afraid he is just seeing your relationship as a casual thing.

It's been 8 months, which is certainly long enough for him to know if he sees a potential future with you (particularly as he is in his 50s).

Please don't waste any more of your valuable time on someone who doesn't see a future with you. You could be moving on and meeting a man who will be committed to you and value having you in their life.

The only way you'll know is by asking....

Good luck

Speaking as a guy that is 51 and single I can tell you that I am perfectly happy with my life and don't need a woman in it to make me happy but I do want a woman to share my life with. I do not want to chase women the rest of my life and would love to be in a committed loving relationship. Not all guys my age think like I do though...

Since you only give as much as he gives perhaps he is doing exactly what you are doing so you both are stuck in a loop?

It sounds to me like you want something more but are afraid to bring it up because you don't want to ruin what you have even though it isn't what you really want.

You only have 2 options right?

Go with the flow an accept this is the best it is going to be OR

Ask him where he sees the relationship going?

Lost