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"Alright, go on then."


meozorchild

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Your partner texts you "we need to talk."

You're reptilian brain is in overdrive. You fear what you believe is the unthinkable. Or, maybe you've seen it coming all along. Either way, you have a choice. You don't have to cry. You shouldn't. You won't because you love them and you respect yourself.

 

Then it happens. They play out their speech. You know them, you can sense they've been ruminating on this split for a while. It's obvious from their cold, political tone. You're listening, but really, you're just preparing to leave. You've been through this before and you've already learned that lesson.

 

When they finish, they raise their nervous gaze at you. You meet their eyes dead at the center. It feels like your body is shutting down, so you let your mouth go on autopilot for the next few seconds, and you utter the only appropriate response, "Alright, go on then."

 

Their cold stare turns into bewilderment. As they fumble for words, you're grabbing your coat, lips shut and ready to go. You didn't prepare a speech for them. There's nothing to negotiate. You've been through this before and you've already learned that lesson.

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I agree with mhowe. By the time someone has the "its over for me" speech, they have been mulling this over for some time, emotionally disentangling and probably dealt with the death of the relationship already. Shut down the reptilian brain, say goodbye and then leave. Allow yourself to process privately and avoid the "this came from out of nowhere" reaction. Chances are, it was over for them for quite awhile. This is why they are so calm.

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This is the appropriate response in any break up situation, not just "this isn't going anywhere."

 

Below are the other reasons. Slap the "Alright, go on then" response on those, and it still works perfectly fine.

 

1. I cheated.

2. I feel smothered.

3. You're not giving me enough.

4. You don't make me feel loved.

5. You're a pretentious a$$.

6. I need time for myself.

7. We should see other people.

8. I don't love you anymore.

9. Things are moving too fast.

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I agree with mhowe that crying doesn't change anything. Sometimes, though, it's rather spontaneous, and it's hard to hold in, even if you know what's coming. The first time my last ex gave me the "I don't think I can be in a relationship" speech (the first of, I'm embarrassed to say, SEVERAL times I heard this from him over a period of about 5 years), I knew it was coming. He had asked me to meet for lunch (instead of a real "date" like we had been going on prior to this), and...I just knew. I teared up a bit, and he noticed, but I also kept cool and just told him, "Well, if this is what you need to do, then this is what you need to do, and I will have to accept it." I handled it well, I think, but I didn't handle it quite as well the next few times he did it. (Yeah, I was an idiot and gave him more chances to hurt me -- I will never do that again!)

 

Really, all you can do when someone is breaking up with you is accept it and walk away with your head held high. Begging, crying, negotiating, etc. MAY be a temporary fix, but only because the dumper feels sorry for you. Eventually, it'll happen again. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, he cried like a baby. I felt TERRIBLE, so a few hours later, I told him I didn't mean it, that I wanted to keep trying, etc. -- just because I couldn't stand to see him so upset. I was miserable, though, and I finally ended up breaking up with him again, a whole year later. It was awful, but it had to be done. I knew I couldn't be with him long term. He cried again, sent me a letter, called me up and yelled at me a few days later, etc. It didn't make me think any less of him -- we were really young at the time -- but eventually he gathered himself and accepted it, and 20-something years later, we're actually friends.

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Crying doesn't change anything, and in all likelihood, the person being dumped does see it coming.

 

It takes experience to be able to stay level-headed and strong in a break up. I encourage everyone on this forum to use "Alright, go on then," in a any situation (I've listed some others above,) and walk away. Hold your tears for later when you're grieving alone.

 

And, should the dumper open up dialogue later (because they probably won't be satisfied with your response,) maintain that calm composure.

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I dont think I have ever had anyone break up with me in the flesh

 

I have. And I have cried in front of those guys. It's just not possible not too if you're invested.

 

But truth be told, I'm actually VERY glad that the most recent ex wasn't man enough to tell me face to face that he was ending things. He said he needed space, I gave it to him, then we talked in person and he was wishy washy and said we could try taking a step back but he still needed more time, then I got the breakup EMAIL. He never got to see me cry and fall apart. And I'm glad. I got to exit with dignity and with complete silence. He knows I will never speak to him again and that it is his loss. He chose to end it, he gets nothing more from me.

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yes me too ....if my ex had done it face to face I think I may have shown myself up a tadge , because by the time it really was over I was already in one hell of a state about it all already.

 

But truth be told, I'm actually VERY glad that the most recent ex wasn't man enough to tell me face to face that he was ending things.

 

and to be fair the person I was with before me ex , well I ended it by email as well . Mind you he was a nob so I didn't have a problem doing it .

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How to deal when it is the dumper who cry ?

 

I got this situation both, had one time she cried so much that I had to hug her, tell her it would be ok and try to not collapse myself. The situation was so akward that I got so many hatefull looks from strangers who assumed I just dumped and left a girl cry without looking back.

 

The hardest things for me is to know that my two serious gf dumped me because they "fell out love" (don't like this expression) but still "loved" me. So the hardest for me is at the beginning never come back to ask "are you sure?" and hear "I can't stop love you like that but it is the right choice, I miss you for now but I have to deal with that and hopefully those feelings won't last". I learned to leave proudly during the breakup but so far never was able to not come back couple times.

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My ex bf told me once on the phone during the early stages of dating. . `I have something to tell you. I am not feelin' it'

 

With that he wanted to engage in some ongoing dialog and I just wanted off the phone.

After hearing that there wasn't any thing to discuss as far as I was concerned. Still not sure if the conversation would have been for his benefit or mine. But I suspect it was for him.

I interrupted him midsentence and said I had to go.

I didn't call . .I didn't ask. What was the point?

 

We ended up getting back together at a later date. .but that's a whole 'nother story. But the `not feelin' it' comment never left me. .

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My ex bf told me once on the phone during the early stages of dating. . `I have something to tell you. I am not feelin' it'

 

With that he wanted to engage in some ongoing dialog and I just wanted off the phone.

After hearing that there wasn't any thing to discuss as far as I was concerned. Still not sure if the conversation would have been for his benefit or mine. But I suspect it was for him.

I interrupted him midsentence and said I had to go.

I didn't call . .I didn't ask. What was the point?

 

We ended up getting back together at a later date. .but that's a whole 'nother story. But the `not feelin' it' comment never left me. .

 

Do you suspect he came back because you were strong? How long until you guys reconciled?

 

I've seen it happen where the dumpees strength, especially during the break up, reattracted the dumper. I've also seen that strength not make a difference, ultimately.

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i did something similar with my last breakup. he told me he wasn't happy with me anymore and hadn't been for some time...so i told him to do what he needed to do to find happiness. turns out he was offended and very angry with the fact that i didn't "fight" for him. uh you just told me you were not happy with me...

 

so i guess he was breaking up with me hoping to get a different reaction. that was news to me. i thought he was serious...oh well.

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Do you suspect he came back because you were strong? How long until you guys reconciled?

 

I've seen it happen where the dumpees strength, especially during the break up, reattracted the dumper. I've also seen that strength not make a difference, ultimately.

 

He had some time to think about it, I suppose. . I also think he respected the way I handled my end.

Add in he had just gotten out of a relationship and had all sorts of things he needed to sort through emotionally.

 

I can't say for sure that strength changes the outcome.

I can say for sure coming undone and acting out can.

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This is a very interesting topic and in an ideal world, the "Alright, go on then" is a perfect response (or something to that effect) but as others have mentioned, how possible is it? Yes, you can say the words, you can maintain a strong face but how long does it last? For some, it is a lasting thing and those who have developed the emotional maturity to accept something like that coming to an end, I give you a lot of credit.

 

I've technically never been broken up with in person in the formal sense BUT (even worse), my relationship kind of ended itself way back in 2007 (my first gf) when I not only found out that she cheated on me but but that she was pretty much this new guy's gf and didn't even bother to tell me. Once I called her out on it, she made no effort to hide it, but she also didn't care because she had already 'moved on' ... despite the fact that she wronged me, I cried (yeah, dumb...) and tried not to let her see but we worked together so even without the crying, it was obvious I was effected.

 

That was one ex... my other one dumped me only over the phone and it was always during what would seem like a 'normal' conversation. There was no "I need to talk" because we talked on the phone so often... so on one of those 'talks', it turned into "Hey, I just don't think we're meant to be together" or something like that. I cried during a couple of those calls, then kept it cool on another one but what was worse was actually when I kept my feelings in, only to come back and look pathetic later... I almost would've rather let it out at the time (because that's at least understandable and expected) than to act okay with it and then come back begging or asking what went wrong weeks later. Granted, we got back together once when I did that but... well, again, hope I've learned my lesson. This was all 3 years ago and I haven't had a gf since so I can't say I've even had the "opportunity" to react to another "We have to talk" type of moment

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My ex bf told me once on the phone during the early stages of dating. . `I have something to tell you. I am not feelin' it'

 

With that he wanted to engage in some ongoing dialog and I just wanted off the phone.

After hearing that there wasn't any thing to discuss as far as I was concerned. Still not sure if the conversation would have been for his benefit or mine. But I suspect it was for him.

I interrupted him midsentence and said I had to go.

I didn't call . .I didn't ask. What was the point?

 

We ended up getting back together at a later date. .but that's a whole 'nother story. But the `not feelin' it' comment never left me. .

 

I fell for the pointless "ongoing dialogue" in my recent break up. I was ready to end it with "ok, do you," but she continued to babble about her rationale behind the break up.

 

Before I knew it, I was riding the Rollercoaster of anger, sadness, mushyness and she was the operator. I still managed to end the conversation first, but not as quickly as I expected.

 

Oh well, sometimes we fumble.

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He had some time to think about it, I suppose. . I also think he respected the way I handled my end.

Add in he had just gotten out of a relationship and had all sorts of things he needed to sort through emotionally.

 

I can't say for sure that strength changes the outcome.

I can say for sure coming undone and acting out can.

 

Are you guys still together after the reconciliation?

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