Why do women crave marriage so much??

Like most women, I long to marry the man I'm in love with.

I've been pondering why it is so important to me, and why I crave it so much. I think it would make me feel secure and cherished.

But when you think about it, even if he marries you, a man could divorce you at any time, walk out on you, or cheat on you, or treat you badly and you would be kind of trapped in the situation because you are married perhaps with kids. So does it really provide security?

Legally, everything you get by marrying can be obtained through other means.

Marriage does add a hefty additional tax liability, on the order of $30,000 a year for some of my married friends.

If it doesn't work out, divorce is a total nightmare.

And yet I still crave it. And I'm a very independent and self-sufficient woman. This craving seems to be pretty universal among women.

I think men can analyze the situation and realize there is little upside here, and potentially a lot of downside.

Curious about other people's thoughts.

Of course there will exceptions to this generalization - I am one. I've had more men push for marriage in my experience but from what I have observed, I, too, notice the importance of marriage to many of the women with whom I have been acquainted.

Of course there will exceptions to this generalization - I am one. I've had more men push for marriage in my experience but from what I have observed, I, too, notice the importance of marriage to many of the women with whom I have been acquainted.

Interesting. Were you in love with these men who pushed for marriage?

I've only been in love twice and each time I craved marriage with the guy.

Otherwise in my life I've had no real desire to be married; it was these specific men I wanted.

The man I actually married 10 years ago, I had no craving to marry and shouldn't have done it. We dated for like 9 years and I never pushed the issue! Because I wasn't in love (although I did love him if that makes sense). Then I said to myself, well I'm not getting younger, all my friends are married, he's always been there for me and maybe I should have kids before it's too late so I did it.

And then I had to get out b/c I was living a lie. I feel terrible for hurting him. We are good friends now though.

I am not a representative of the women you speak of, not because I don't desire marriage (on the contrary, I very much do), but because my reason is primarily a spiritual one.

Perhaps there is a spiritual symbolism there still, even if many are not aware of it. They will say it is a cultural or legal institution, and that it mainly serves as a protection of rights to property and offspring. But increasingly this is a non-issue, given the the liberation of women. I think the spiritual symbolism is still there, but spiritual truth doesn't change just because cultural values do.

From a biological perspective, long-term, monogamous pair-bonding makes a lot of sense, and the official status of marriage serves to cement this further.

Socially, marriage still gives one status, especially wome. Do not believe that older, unmarried women are not looked down upon - they are.

Looking at it strictly from an emotional perspective, intimacy is a great human need. Exclusivity, commitment, loyalty, etc, foster intimacy. Because of the vulnerability it generally requires, lack of those things makes intimacy very risky. Marriage (or at least its more traditional, life-long form, not "til we tire of eachother do we part") involves a formal commitment which may create a sense of security and include promises of fidelity, which can then bolster people to vulnerability, thereby creating the right emotional dynamic for true intimacy. A lot of people stoo short at the security part, I know, but the excessive concern with that can prevent the vulnerability needed for intimacy, and eventually, most will be unsatisfied with the lack of intimacy.

Certainly it may boost your sense of value, or make you feel "cherished", because someone is choosing you and only you above all others. While it may not always hold much significance (perhaps you are the only one they could get ), it may, and that is appealing.

Having said that....If I didn't hold certain spiritual convictions, then I would not bother with marriage as a formal legal union. I primarily want intimacy. I want a LOVER more than a husband. I do not desire children, a house in the suburbs, etc. I do require monogamy, because I think it is essential to intimacy. Marriage itself, then, holds spiritual meaning for me and is the manner in which to fulfill certain desires without the institution itself being a desire.

That is an extremely insightful and well-written post, thank you.

So if I interpreted your post correctly, I might be craving it because it is required for true intimacy and I am afraid to be vulnerable without it. That would make sense.

I think a lot of women deny our need for marriage because our partners are often so reluctant.

Thanks again.

Husband 1 - we had a kid already and needed family housing at uni. We married for that. He was my first everything. I was 18-19. Puppy love.

Husband 2 - pushed me HARD. I was very very very very very dumb and married him. I think I was in love. He turned out to be a porn addict pushing for threesomes, swinging...

Guy 3- pushed. I was accepted proposal but realized I didn't love him. I broke the engagement.

Guy 4- proposed out of the blue. I said no. I was not in love.

Guy 5 - was planning on formally proposing. Was looking for a ring. Mutual friends blabbed. I broke up with him before he proposed. I was in love but he had a serious drug (meth) addiction he hid from me.

Guy 6 - pushing. I am in love with him.

Marriage was our declaration of love to ourselves and to those in our lives. It was our promise of forever. Hopefully we have many more decades of that forever.

I've thought about this a lot as well and I think there are a number of factors that go into. Depending on the woman, only same of these factors may come into play. As I see it these are the factors:

1) Religion

2) Cultural/family expectation

3) The decline in ceremonies in western culture. Think about, for must have us, there are no special parties or rituals to mark milestone in life. You might have say, a graduation party for earning your high school diploma, but what else is ther really? Weddings are increasingly the only formal ceremony that marks a major life milestone.

4) Believing marriage will improve a relationship. This is particularly true for people in bad relationships "He cheats on me, but if I mary him he will change."

5) Wanting a label that indicates the level of attachment and commitement you have to the other person. As much as poeple don't like to admit it labels do matter. A guy referring to a girl as any ofthe following is a signal to others his level of attachment to her: Booty Call, FWB, Friend, Girlfriend, etc. "Wife" is at the top of this label hierarchy.

My thoughts

Marriage to some women can be for financial security, love, companionship.

Marriage to some men can be for financial security, love, companionship, and being taken care of as in cooking, cleaning, keeping the house in order.

Marriage was our declaration of love to ourselves and to those in our lives. It was our promise of forever. Hopefully we have many more decades of that forever.

oh thank god vic ... this is what marriage is ..^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I must say though I have never craved marriage ..

I don't want to get married. Like, at all.

Well I can only speak for my own self and I want to grow old with someone and be loved and love by them til I die, I only want one marriage so... and I want children and I want to be married before I have children. I used to think about my wedding when I was very young, my mom has pictures of me in a little lace short white dress and veil, lol obviously she encouraged the idea of it.

If women crave and love marriage, they must also crave divorce as well because 70% of them are initiated by females.

Well I can only speak for my own self and I want to grow old with someone and be loved and love by them til I die, I only want one marriage so... and I want children and I want to be married before I have children. I used to think about my wedding when I was very young, my mom has pictures of me in a little lace short white dress and veil, lol obviously she encouraged the idea of it.

aww that made me smile , my daughter did the same when she was little , infact she had a little wedding outfit hahaha I on the other hand never did ... to marry your twin flame is a precious gift ..I hope everyone achieves that regardless .

I never craved marriage....was asked by a bf many years ago and declined.

My brother was engaged once...15 yr ago...married at age 55 for the first time.

My sister has married twice...the 2nd one is 20,+,years.

Our parents were married over 50,years.

Marriage and its accompanying benefits and restrictions are NOT everyone's dream. And there are not "minor exceptions" in this day and age. It more like 50%.

Outdated societal norms aside, a committed, supportive and loving relationship can be found outside of marriage.

I have never craved marriage. It's not for every woman

Marriage is still very much in vogue, and one has only to see the difficulty there is in booking a suitable venue, because these are invariably booked up, and need to be reserved over a year in advance, maybe more.

My parents were married 47 years. I know a cohort of people, older relatives and so on who have been married for decades (to the same spouse). Two of my nephews got married over the past couple of year (both over thirty when they married as were their wives). I notice how steady and stable they are. I often meet their married friends of same age group and they all seem to live with feet well planted on the ground.

There is nothing wrong with marriage. What is wrong is marrying someone totally unsuitable and for the wrong reasons. Women often do not see what they don't want to see. Oh, they'll cry: "he's soo romantic, such fun, soooo sweet....", as if that were sufficient basis for a life-long commitment.

He could be glib, apparently charming, Prince ©Harming, the soap opera and movie stuff, smoke and mirrors.

Women like that need a hefty dose of therapy before even contemplating marriage.

And of course, not everyone is cut out for marriage, as MHowe remarks.

End of month I shall be going to a 50th wedding celebration of an older relative. Must ask them for their opinion. I remember once asking an elderly couple about their marriage and what is important: He replied, and made me smile: "Long patience and a short memory". Yes!

I am not against marriage ---- I am baffled at "marriage as a goal", as in "I want to be married".

And yet do nothing to prepare themselves to be an interested, independent and compassionate partner.

Too many young women view it as a day, not a commitment. And that is absurd.

I am not against marriage ---- I am baffled at "marriage as a goal", as in "I want to be married".

And yet do nothing to prepare themselves to be an interested, independent and compassionate partner.

 

 

Too many young women view it as a day, not a commitment. And that is absurd.

Yes, that is the issue. People often neglect to find someone that is suitable. And then think it's all about a sparkly party.

I SO agree with you, MHowe. So much.

That is what I often bang on about. People NOT preparing themselves for the married state (or to be a partner). Anyone contemplating marriage should compulsorily attend pre-marriage courses. There are many people who are naturally mature and know exactly what they want, but far too many are as you describe, MHowe.

It's all about the day, the dress, the flowers, the music, the guests, the "fairy-tale" à la soap opera (heaven help us!), and not about the work ahead. No wonder there are divorces. If you live in a fantasy, think fantasy is real and then hard reality hits, you flop into a jelly.

I hope my husband and I are married as long as my in-laws. My in-laws got married in 1959. Who knows we might make five decades. Right now we are at 2 decades and in our later 40's. So we could see 50 years!

I think a lot of women want to get married because we are socially conditioned to want it. All the movies, all the books, all the tv shows... thankfully I think that is starting to change but from before a girl can string a sentence together she is being shown images of "what women do" which is, in popular media, fall in love and get married. For a long time women only gained power and legitimacy through marriage. It's one of the only lasting cultural rituals we widely recognize. We are shown over and over again that getting married is an important part, if not -the- important part(besides making babies), of being a woman. Getting married is often the only step women have to move from being a "girl" to being an adult.

Personally, I loath weddings and think marriage is innately sexist and limiting. (not your personal marriage but the institution). Maybe it's because I've worked in the wedding industrial complex, maybe it's because I'm not monogamous and have three committed long term partners. Or maybe it's because I've always resented the way women are expected to function in our culture and "wife" is a huge part of that.

So I don't personally crave marriage, but I understand why a lot of women would. It's presented over and over and over again as what women should do. That gets in your head if you want it there or not.

Marriage doesn't make your relationship more stable, it doesn't change the level of commitment each of you has, it won't fix anything or change anything. A good marriage is just a good relationship. For me the "marriage" part carries way to much cultural baggage and symbolism for me, I'll just stick with the good relationships part.

1. It can be an attempt to change one's life, fix one's problems (either individual problems or relationship problems), and/or create stability. (warning: may not actually work)

2. Conformity/cultural indoctrination. Many people really do expect us to follow a certain path in life, and if we don't, watch out. If I got married tomorrow, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'd go from being the least-favorite grandkid to at least being ranked somewhere in the middle.

3. You'll laugh, but, inertia/habit. Some people get married for the same reason that us getting-older people still say things like "dial the phone". Their grandparents did it, their parents did it, and now they're doing it, even if they can't really tell you why. There are things that don't really make sense in modern times, but we keep doing them anyway. Some people don't put much thought into their lives. (And some of us are on the opposite end of the spectrum, putting way too much thought into them.)

4. Love. I mean, you can't rule it out completely.

5. Security. I believe that men originally gave women rings as a form of security--something of value, just in case they ran off. Ironically, the threat of female-initiated divorce has basically replaced that. When a man gets married in modern America, he's basically handing his wife a gun and saying "I trust you not to shoot me." Of course a woman is going to jump at that sort of deal--if he cheats, she can ruin his life.

The only reason I got married is because I wanted my children to have married parents and for us all to share a last name. I'm not overly traditional as we had our first child before we got married but I knew it was on the cards in the near future.

I have never felt like I needed to get married to live a long and fulfilling life with someone. Being married doesn't feel a lot different to when we were living together as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I respect my marriage vows and take them seriously. I just could have been happy without marriage

I think a lot of women want to get married because we are socially conditioned to want it. All the movies, all the books, all the tv shows... thankfully I think that is starting to change but from before a girl can string a sentence together she is being shown images of "what women do" which is, in popular media, fall in love and get married. For a long time women only gained power and legitimacy through marriage. It's one of the only lasting cultural rituals we widely recognize. We are shown over and over again that getting married is an important part, if not -the- important part(besides making babies), of being a woman. Getting married is often the only step women have to move from being a "girl" to being an adult.

 

In other words, we are programmed from a very young age to want marriage. Interesting.