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Thread: Why do women crave marriage so much??

  1. #1
    wilyone 11
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    Why do women crave marriage so much??

    Like most women, I long to marry the man I'm in love with.

    I've been pondering why it is so important to me, and why I crave it so much. I think it would make me feel secure and cherished.

    But when you think about it, even if he marries you, a man could divorce you at any time, walk out on you, or cheat on you, or treat you badly and you would be kind of trapped in the situation because you are married perhaps with kids. So does it really provide security?

    Legally, everything you get by marrying can be obtained through other means.

    Marriage does add a hefty additional tax liability, on the order of $30,000 a year for some of my married friends.

    If it doesn't work out, divorce is a total nightmare.

    And yet I still crave it. And I'm a very independent and self-sufficient woman. This craving seems to be pretty universal among women.

    I think men can analyze the situation and realize there is little upside here, and potentially a lot of downside.

    Curious about other people's thoughts.

  2. #2
    Zuri
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    Of course there will exceptions to this generalization - I am one. I've had more men push for marriage in my experience but from what I have observed, I, too, notice the importance of marriage to many of the women with whom I have been acquainted.

  3. #3
    wilyone 11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shal [Register to see the link]
    Of course there will exceptions to this generalization - I am one. I've had more men push for marriage in my experience but from what I have observed, I, too, notice the importance of marriage to many of the women with whom I have been acquainted.
    Interesting. Were you in love with these men who pushed for marriage?

    I've only been in love twice and each time I craved marriage with the guy.

    Otherwise in my life I've had no real desire to be married; it was these specific men I wanted.

    The man I actually married 10 years ago, I had no craving to marry and shouldn't have done it. We dated for like 9 years and I never pushed the issue! Because I wasn't in love (although I did love him if that makes sense). Then I said to myself, well I'm not getting younger, all my friends are married, he's always been there for me and maybe I should have kids before it's too late so I did it.

    And then I had to get out b/c I was living a lie. I feel terrible for hurting him. We are good friends now though.

  4. #4
    BirthInReverse
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    I am not a representative of the women you speak of, not because I don't desire marriage (on the contrary, I very much do), but because my reason is primarily a spiritual one.

    Perhaps there is a spiritual symbolism there still, even if many are not aware of it. They will say it is a cultural or legal institution, and that it mainly serves as a protection of rights to property and offspring. But increasingly this is a non-issue, given the the liberation of women. I think the spiritual symbolism is still there, but spiritual truth doesn't change just because cultural values do.

    From a biological perspective, long-term, monogamous pair-bonding makes a lot of sense, and the official status of marriage serves to cement this further.

    Socially, marriage still gives one status, especially wome. Do not believe that older, unmarried women are not looked down upon - they are.

    Looking at it strictly from an emotional perspective, intimacy is a great human need. Exclusivity, commitment, loyalty, etc, foster intimacy. Because of the vulnerability it generally requires, lack of those things makes intimacy very risky. Marriage (or at least its more traditional, life-long form, not "til we tire of eachother do we part") involves a formal commitment which may create a sense of security and include promises of fidelity, which can then bolster people to vulnerability, thereby creating the right emotional dynamic for true intimacy. A lot of people stoo short at the security part, I know, but the excessive concern with that can prevent the vulnerability needed for intimacy, and eventually, most will be unsatisfied with the lack of intimacy.

    Certainly it may boost your sense of value, or make you feel "cherished", because someone is choosing you and only you above all others. While it may not always hold much significance (perhaps you are the only one they could get ), it may, and that is appealing.

    Having said that....If I didn't hold certain spiritual convictions, then I would not bother with marriage as a formal legal union. I primarily want intimacy. I want a LOVER more than a husband. I do not desire children, a house in the suburbs, etc. I do require monogamy, because I think it is essential to intimacy. Marriage itself, then, holds spiritual meaning for me and is the manner in which to fulfill certain desires without the institution itself being a desire.

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    wilyone 11
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    That is an extremely insightful and well-written post, thank you.

    So if I interpreted your post correctly, I might be craving it because it is required for true intimacy and I am afraid to be vulnerable without it. That would make sense.

    I think a lot of women deny our need for marriage because our partners are often so reluctant.

    Thanks again.

  6. #6
    Zuri
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    Husband 1 - we had a kid already and needed family housing at uni. We married for that. He was my first everything. I was 18-19. Puppy love.

    Husband 2 - pushed me HARD. I was very very very very very dumb and married him. I think I was in love. He turned out to be a porn addict pushing for threesomes, swinging...

    Guy 3- pushed. I was accepted proposal but realized I didn't love him. I broke the engagement.

    Guy 4- proposed out of the blue. I said no. I was not in love.

    Guy 5 - was planning on formally proposing. Was looking for a ring. Mutual friends blabbed. I broke up with him before he proposed. I was in love but he had a serious drug (meth) addiction he hid from me.
    Guy 6 - pushing. I am in love with him.
    Last edited by Zuri; 06-10-2015 at 02:18 AM.

  7. #7
    ~Seraphim ~
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    Marriage was our declaration of love to ourselves and to those in our lives. It was our promise of forever. Hopefully we have many more decades of that forever.

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    Moontiger
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    I've thought about this a lot as well and I think there are a number of factors that go into. Depending on the woman, only same of these factors may come into play. As I see it these are the factors:

    1) Religion
    2) Cultural/family expectation
    3) The decline in ceremonies in western culture. Think about, for must have us, there are no special parties or rituals to mark milestone in life. You might have say, a graduation party for earning your high school diploma, but what else is ther really? Weddings are increasingly the only formal ceremony that marks a major life milestone.
    4) Believing marriage will improve a relationship. This is particularly true for people in bad relationships "He cheats on me, but if I mary him he will change."
    5) Wanting a label that indicates the level of attachment and commitement you have to the other person. As much as poeple don't like to admit it labels do matter. A guy referring to a girl as any ofthe following is a signal to others his level of attachment to her: Booty Call, FWB, Friend, Girlfriend, etc. "Wife" is at the top of this label hierarchy.

  9. #9
    Helpexpressme
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    My thoughts

    Marriage to some women can be for financial security, love, companionship.

    Marriage to some men can be for financial security, love, companionship, and being taken care of as in cooking, cleaning, keeping the house in order.

  10. #10
    pippy longstocking
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria66 [Register to see the link]
    Marriage was our declaration of love to ourselves and to those in our lives. It was our promise of forever. Hopefully we have many more decades of that forever.
    oh thank god vic ... this is what marriage is ..^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    I must say though I have never craved marriage ..

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