Need an outside perspective?

I've been seeing this guy for a couple months now. While we currently have no label on things, we had a talk about being exclusive a few weeks in. When we hang out, it's super fun and he acts like a gentleman. He insists on paying for things, hold the doors open for me, and in general the chemistry is great. However there are a few things really bothering me and I'm not sure how to handle it.

One issue is that we both have super conflicting schedules. I work the graveyard whereas he ends up leaving for work around 5 AM, which is the time I'm usually passing out. While we still manage to fit in time to see each other, I usually see him no more than once or *maybe* twice per week if I'm lucky. While that's a good amount for someone considering he's not my boyfriend, it feels weird staying exclusive to someone I'm barely seeing. Not because I'm necessarily trying to meet somebody else, but because it's hard for me to believe someone who's barely seeing me and isn't my boyfriend isn't trying to get at other people.

Another issue is that in between the times we hang out, we don't text much and we never talk on the phone. This day and age talking on the phone is considered weird by a lot of people, but I really dislike texting and feel it's an impersonal form of communication.

These issues alone aren't a big deal, but there's a few other little things irking at me causing me not to trust him. He has really bad allergies, I know this for a fact. He's allergic to many things. Last Friday we had been planning to hang out for about five days since I hadn't seen him in a while. Less than 30 minutes before were supposed to hang out he suddenly tells me his allergies are too bad to hang out that day. While this very well may have been true, he had acted distant the past few days prior, which makes me wonder if he was lying.

Another sketchy thing was that I saw he added a (local) cam model on his Facebook. To be fair, he added her before we started seeing each other, which obviously is fine. However, I kind of got upset when I saw it because I dumped my ex for talking to WebCam models. I explain this to him and he was super understanding and explained she was the one who added him (cam models network so I can see that I guess)... Except for the fact that he didnt delete her still. In my opinion, he should've made sure to have done so once he knew it was a specific issue due to my past. It's the lack of effort and caring that annoys me about this.

Lastly, several weeks ago he was in Vegas. While there, I saw he was active again on the dating app I met him through (I only went on since he was out of town and I had a weird vibe about it and checked lol). He claimed he was showing his friend a picture of me because at the time he had none and was not on my Facebook yet. While I guess this makes sense and I have no choice but to give him the benefit of the doubt, this combined with all these other factors (plus having no label) is a bit much for me to believe.

Basically, I feel his efforts are falling a bit short and can't tell if he's being dishonest or if I'm just paranoid. I've been hurt in the past so I tend to assume things..but at the same time I've been proven naive and overly trusting in these cases many times before. Because of this I'm not actually sure I trust he's being exclusive. I have no desire to see other people, but if he's playing me I don't want to be loyal to him any longer and waste my own time. However I do really like him and if my suspicions are wrong I'm going to feel terrible for letting a good guy go. I'm afraid to confess a lot of these concerns to him because I don't want to scare him off...we all know how easily that can happen.

Thoughts?

I vote for paranoid.

Also, expecting him to delete something on his phone that happened before you started dating because of YOUR past is a bit much.

You can't fault him on being on the dating site, because you were as well.

Nothing seems amiss at this point. You biggest problem is your conflicting schedules.

I agree with mhowe, though I empathize since some of those things would bother me a bit too.

Mainly the schedules and seeming lack of effort communication wise when you don't see each other. Are things still great when you see him?

Also, seems like maybe the lack of a label bothers you at this point in the relationship, yeah? Maybe bring that up to him.

I vote for paranoid.

 

Also, expecting him to delete something on his phone that happened before you started dating because of YOUR past is a bit much.

 

You can't fault him on being on the dating site, because you were as well.

 

Nothing seems amiss at this point. You biggest problem is your conflicting schedules.

Fair enough, but why would he care to keep her there in the first place?

Also I only went on to see if he went on because he was in Vegas. I did not message or even browse other profiles and actually deleted it after seeing he went back on. So I don't consider checking up on a weird vibe (which happened to be correct) the same as seeking out dates on a vacation

I agree with mhowe, though I empathize since some of those things would bother me a bit too.

 

Mainly the schedules and seeming lack of effort communication wise when you don't see each other. Are things still great when you see him?

 

Also, seems like maybe the lack of a label bothers you at this point in the relationship, yeah? Maybe bring that up to him.

Yeah it's a combination of having no label and assuming I should stay exclusive/trust him when meanwhile there's all these red flags (I disagree with mhowes take on the dating site. That to me is sketchy as hell)

I guess im worried I'll scare him off bringing up the label issue since many guys fear commitment

Yeah it's a combination of having no label and assuming I should stay exclusive/trust him when meanwhile there's all these red flags (I disagree with mhowes take on the dating site. That to me is sketchy as hell)

 

I guess im worried I'll scare him off bringing up the label issue since many guys fear commitment

I assume youre more commitment minded though, if he isn't the type then wouldn't it be better to find out sooner than later?

People are just different it could be nothing to worry about despite both of our insecurities that would have issue with it. You and I would/will deactivate our dating accounts if we're exclusive but some don't or don't bother or it simply doesn't occur to them. My ex never disabled hers as well.

I assume youre more commitment minded though, if he isn't the type then wouldn't it be better to find out sooner than later?

 

People are just different it could be nothing to worry about despite both of our insecurities that would have issue with it. You and I would/will deactivate our dating accounts if we're exclusive but some don't or don't bother or it simply doesn't occur to them. My ex never disabled hers as well.

Good point about the commitment thing...might as well find out sooner rather than later.

Well in this case it's not that he didn't delete it, it's that he logged in (it says last time and date of login at the top of your profile). While in Vegas. While he may have been showing his friends a pic it just seems really unlikely

What would be the point of logging in when he is in Vegas other than to show his buddies your picture.mhe is in Vegas...not worrying about his next date back home!

What would be the point of logging in when he is in Vegas other than to show his buddies your picture.mhe is in Vegas...not worrying about his next date back home!

The way the app works is it only shows you peoples profiles if they're a certain distance away from you. So when people go out of town it is common to use the app to find hookups/flings (it's basically a hookup app though some people end up dating from it)

So you met him through a hook up app?

So you met him through a hook up app?

Hookup/dating app

Well...that may be your answer then. This "not defined yet exclusive" hook up is simply that. And if you are looking for a relationship, he isn't looking for the same thing.

The way the app works is it only shows you peoples profiles if they're a certain distance away from you. So when people go out of town it is common to use the app to find hookups/flings (it's basically a hookup app though some people end up dating from it)

His explanation is completely plausible. I understand your fear, but you ARE in a way assuming the very worst case scenario. How long have you been dating?

Does he not have any pictures of you both? On his phone or otherwise?

First of all, guys are not scared of commitment and bringing it up is not going to scare off a guy who actually wants to be with you. It will only scare off one who doesn't, which is kind of the point. You don't want to be with someone who is not that into you anyway.

Learn how to communicate clearly. This limbo is bothering you, so address it. Either you'll get what you want or you will flush out a player. Either way you win and can stop being paranoid about where you stand and what he wants with you.

Not communicating and putting up with ambiguous situations will land you in exactly the type of relationships where you end up getting hurt and being cheated on because you two are not on the same page about what it is you are doing and what you want. Speak up and keep your life clean and simple.