Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: My good friend took advantage of me. Seeking support.

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Posts
    2

    My good friend took advantage of me. Seeking support.

    So, three years ago, on my 21st birthday, I went out drinking with a bunch of friends (mostly guys). I wasn't a heavy drinker, but I thought I could hold my alcohol. My designated driver was actually my best friends ex, he and I had become really good friends while they were still dating. She said she was fine with me still hanging out with him, but I still felt pretty guilty. Anyway, I knew he had some feelings for me, but I made it pretty clear that I wasn't interested especially because he had just been in a relationship with my best friend. Throughout the night jokes had been made about how he would be my protector, and he actually told me that he would make sure nothing bad happened to me. So the end of the night rolls around and I was drunk out of my mind, I wasn't black out drunk, but I was nearly there. I went to his house where we had decided at the beginning of the night that I would stay. I went into his room, dropped my things and fell onto his bed (his bedroom was straight ahead as I walked into the apartment). I asked if he had any pajamas, he gave some to me and I changed right there in front of him. I was in no way leading him on, I was just so drunk that I didn't care who was watching. I then crawled into his bed and he said he would go sleep upstairs. I told him he didn't have to and that I didn't care if we shared the bed. So we were laying there and I remember being uncomfortable in the spooning position so I turned around and we kissed. It was all downhill from there. Before too much happened, I remember saying, "we shouldn't be doing this", but it didn't stop. We ended up having sex. I provided the condom and would say that I was involved as much as he was. The difference was that I was wasted and he was sober. I know for a fact that I would not have done that had I been sober.

    I have been rationalizing everything for the last three years. He was such a good friend and we had so much fun together. I told him we couldn't talk anymore because he had violated my trust. But I still haven't come to terms with what happened. And I haven't told my friend. I would not say that he raped me because I never said no and although I was very, very drunk, I knew what was happening, I just didn't stop it. I have a history of abuse, I was molested by my step-brother when I was 5-9 and my first two sexual experiences after that were not consensual. I think maybe because I haven't come to terms with any of it, I keep repeating it. I don't know, I'm just lost.

    I guess, I'm posting because I am curious what other people think and because I need to hear that it wasn't my fault, though I truly feel it is. I put myself in that position. I want to talk to him about it again and we agreed not to tell anyone until I was ready. I'm ready to deal with it, but he is engaged and I don't want to screw anything up for him. I also am terrified to tell my friend, who I actually haven't talked to in over a year. She asked me if anything happened that night and I lied to her. I was so afraid and I still am. Am I crazy? I am afraid that I have a tendency to make a big deal out of things that aren't, so I have posted just the facts. I think the biggest thing I need is support.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Age
    59
    Posts
    42,248
    Gender
    Female
    Why would you tell anyone. You made some poor decisions that night and you haven't spoken to your gf in over a year.

    I would consider therapy to resolve your earlier molestation and as far as the "taken advantage of" situation I would resolve to not over drink to that extent again.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Posts
    2
    I want to tell her because it's a big part of why we have drifted apart. Also, why I haven't spoke to many people in that group of friends since. He violated my trust, regardless of the position I put my self in by drinking that much. And I kind of figured I'd be fine drinking that much with a friend who told me he would keep me safe. If he was the guy I thought he was he would have slept on the couch or at least not made a move. I am seeking therapy, I just thought some feedback and support might help.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Age
    59
    Posts
    42,248
    Gender
    Female
    They were broken up.
    You supplied the condom.

    I'm sorry, but I think you are looking for drama

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    42
    Originally Posted by mhowe
    They were broken up.
    You supplied the condom.

    I'm sorry, but I think you are looking for drama
    Agreed! Everything you posted could have been in the "I never thought it would happen to me" section of playboy.

    Girls and guys who are 'friends' always have a little spark that just is waiting for the right moment. If you invite a well intentioned (or not) man into bed with you sex is going to happen...
    Like you said you supplied the condom what man would turn that down?

  7. #6
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    143
    Yaaaa. I agree with everyone else lol. He said he would keep you safe, that doesnt sound like a dangerous situation. You gave him signals like a person stranded on an island to an airplane. He was even going to sleep in a completely different room and let you have his bed.

    I understand where you are coming from though it sucks to drunkenly sex someone up but as you said, it was mutual. It is also in the past, and bringing it up randomly to your friend is just weird.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    The north
    Posts
    732
    Gender
    Female
    Based on what you have said I think he took advantage of you being wasted as a good friend wouldn't have sex with a nearly black out drunk friend while he himself is sober. When it happened did you provide him the condom because you wanted sex with him or did you provide it because you weren't strong enough to say no and didn't want to get pregnant?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Kensington Palace
    Posts
    1,318
    Gender
    Male
    No I don't think he took advantage of you. You got into bed, so did he. You supplied the condom, he put it on. You kissed, then had sex. No taking advantage of there.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member chickadeedee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    1,150
    Look, the world is full of people who get roaringly drunk and have sex with people they were never ever have if they were sober. Alcohol when you are really drunk reduces your inhibitions to the point your lower brain functions (the 'animal' part of your tri-part brain) take over and primitive impulses like sex, hunger, violence come to the forefront because your higher cortex/brain functions are not engaged.

    So in essence your 'lizard brain' takes over and higher thoughts like 'shouldn't sleep with my BFF's ex' absolutely don't register and you just go for the sex.

    Here's what you need to do: Stop being angry with yourself. Stop being angry with your GF's ex. Stop blaiming your GF's ex. STOP drinking to excess or these kinds of incidents (or worse) will repeat with other people.

    You knew he liked you but you gave him ample encouragement to think that you wanted him around and in your bed and having sex. the 'lizard' made you do that. And he was not responsible for the fact that you were super drunk. And he was your GF's ex, not her BF, so it was consenting adults. Maybe you wouldn't have done this if you were sober, but that is just a HUGE lesson learned about the pitfalls of getting stinking drunk, and you need to let go of this incident and forget about it and file it as a lesson learned.

    If you are going to blame anything, blame demon rum as they say. Don't ever let yourself get into a position where your higher reason is not in charge. The best way to do that is to never drink more than a couple drinks or a few beers inn one sitting. Or to give up drinking if you can't control the amount you drink.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member chickadeedee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    1,150
    btw, i know this feels huge in your mind, but this kind of thing is a common occurrence and happened 3 years ago. the guy has moved on to be happy with someone new and you haven't spoken to this GF in a year, so time to just let this go and move on.

    Most of us have at least one drunken hookup that we look back and and get a twinge of guilt, remorse, disgust at either ourselves, the other person, or both of us for stupidly hooking up when drunk. But you need to recognize that everybody else has put this into perspective as no big deal, and you need to let it go, not blame anybody (including yourself or the other guy) and just get on with your life and never drink to excess again.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •