Silent treatment from boyfriend for over a week. Feeling desperate! :(

Hi guys,

Some help desperately needed please!

Bit of background info: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years (although we had a 6 month break in the middle). We have been doing really well lately: have been back together 4 months and it has been great. He does has a tendency to get in moods over very small things though and strop like a child and not talk to me, but it had actually been much better lately. He has a very high stress job. We do not live together but he lives close by. When he is not talking to me, it is unlikely we would bump in to each other by accident. We are both in our mid to late twenties.

I am not looking for "Dump him, he is no good, he doesn't love you" etc responses. I know his faults more than anyone but I am not asking if I should break up with him, I'd just really appreciate some advice on how to deal with this 'silent treatment' situation. Thank you for your understanding.

So, here is what happened….. last week I did something pretty silly that made him mad. It was not intentional and I just didn’t think about the consequences and I do understand why he got so annoyed. He went really mad over text message and was quite horrible to me, but I know why he was so angry and I kind of let that slide because people can get like that in anger. He didn't say anything too awful but was just having a go at me and said he couldn't believe how f*ing stupid I had been etc. I apologised loads and if he knows me at all he will understand that I didn’t intend to upset him (and I told him that too).

I text him a few days after with a general message to test the water (as this is what he always does when he has made me mad!) and he just replied “I’ve been better. Work was fine” He was obviously still mad so I apologised once again and then left him a few more days. I then messaged him again 2 days later on Wednesday and this time he just replied “yeah”. I left it at that…

On Saturday I sent him a longer message saying I know he is still angry with me and I understand why and hope that he knows how sorry I am. I then went on to ask him some questions about his day and if he would like to come to dinner once night the next week…. he has not responded and it is now Monday (more than a week after the argument/’incident’!)

I just don’t know what to do. He has done the silent treatment before but it is usually when we have got in a fight about something silly that he has overreacted and got annoyed about and ultimately he knew it was his fault. Because this time I have done something wrong for a change (not saying I am perfect, but I do everything to keep the peace with him) I feel like he is running with it and really using it against me.

I don’t know how long I can keep leaving it for. He is very stubborn so I am worried that he won’t get in contact with me until I contact him again… but I don’t want to keep pestering him and risk making him more annoyed.

I do not want to break up with him (I know that is what a lot of people will say, but if we sort this situation out then I will talk to him about his issues at a later stage). Right now I just want to get this sorted out and move on from it.

This is not new for him and he definitely has some issues (I think he saw this kind of behaviour at home growing up as his brother does the same to his wife (she told me), this is just the longest it has ever gone on for.

He has got work stress at the moment too and I don’t think what I did helped that, so I do feel really bad. I do also think that he just gets in these moods for no reason (or only a reason that he knows).

Not sure if it is relevant but he has also not returned any of his mother’s calls or messages for quite a few days either (she always contacts me to check he is ok when she hasn’t heard from him for a while as she worries.) To be honest, I think he is ignoring her because he knows she will ask how I am and he doesn’t want to have to tell her or lie.

I am getting really stressed and upset by this. Feeling quite desperate and worried he will break up with me. Despite what some people might say I should do, I don't want to break up with him.

Please can anyone offer some advice? Thanks a lot in advance.

What are all these "silly fights" that take more than a week to get over? They mustn't seem "silly" to him.

Strange thing is that when I have my worst rows with the Mrs we usually forget what the original disagreement was about.

I sometimes think that sparking off after a trivial provocation is a form of controlling behaviour.

Honestly they are not even fights. It was usually just him getting annoyed at me for no or a very silly reason. And when I say no reason, I really mean it: me leaving a pair of shoes in the wrong place... wanting to go out and do something and him not wanting to and then flipping out. I understand that there are things that can annoy you about the other person but it was always disproportionate. I'm very self aware and always admit when I am wrong (and sometimes even when I am not, just to keep the peace).

This hasn't happened lately though, they were before we broke up (turns out he was feeling pressured because we have moved in together). We were in a very small flat together so think it just all got a bit much.

Anyway, my main issue is the current situation...

Until now, he hadn't had a flip out since we got back together though...

OK, so if you want us to help analyze the situation, you gotta drop the subjective terminology like "silly." Silly means totally different things to different people. I know you just gave a couple examples, but what was the "really silly" event that led him to being upset with you in your first post? Are these "silly things" being repeated?

My girlfriend, for whatever reason, insists on putting things on the floor. Her logic is that it makes it easier for her to see. My logic is, "I'm kicking this **** over and stepping on it every time." At first, it was kinda cute, but after the fifth time kicking a cup or bottle over, it was an issue of respecting my space. I told her that when we're at her place, I don't care if she leaves a full glass of milk in the middle of the doorway, but at my place, please don't leave stuff on the floor.

If these things genuinely are "silly," and not simply repeated offenses that would lead him to believe you're not respecting him, then I'd suspect he's simply getting tired of the relationship again and that his tolerance is much lower because of it.

Again, you're gonna have to help us out.

Exactly ^^^^^.

I told my bf it is clear he has "moved in" to the summer house because his huge flip flops are right next to the waste basket in the kitchen, and I trip over them daily. To him it is "silly" --- to me it is annoying.

The things you are terming as "silly" may be seen from him as disrespect. Or not listening.

What was the break up over and how did you address it to the point that you have already moved in together?

Suggest that you google this: narcissistic silent treatment. There is a lot about it on YOUTUBE. You might try there. chi

yep "silly" is very generalized. To some people silly means silly to others silly things are not as silly . It's more serious. So what exactly did you do what you think is so silly which makes him give you the silent treatment?

I messed up and I understand why he is annoyed. I think it's probably just a use of language thing but when I said I did something 'silly', I mean it was stupid of me to have done it. Not silly as in insignificant, but equally it was a genuine mistake (no, I didn't cheat on him), I have apologised, made it very clear that it wouldn't happen again. I am not going to go in to what happened as to be honest, I can't, but I did mess up, it was stupid but unintentional and a mistake.

Well, since you didn't mean it was trivial ----- and he has been silent for over a week ----- I would say it is significant and that perhaps your apology, while offered....was not enough to make up for your "mistake".

Well, since you didn't mean it was trivial ----- and he has been silent for over a week ----- I would say it is significant and that perhaps your apology, while offered....was not enough to make up for your "mistake".

Agree but it sounds very much like the b/f is making it more "significant" than it really is. I'm convinced that this type of behaviour is a form on controlling/bullying.

It wasn't trivial but equally wasn't the worst thing in the world. It was related to his work and I have spoken to other people I know in the same line of work who have said that he is overreacting and it is no way near as bad as he is making out. They even said, unprompted, that is seems like he is trying to make it seems worse than it actually is...

I am by no means saying that I wasn't in the wrong, but I feel sad that he can't reciprocate the forgiveness that I have given him in the past and at least let me try to make it up....

What more can someone do about something they can't change or take back? I don't really know to apologise more without seeming like I am grovelling.

He has hurt me badly before and I have accepted his apology and forgiven him. I understand that everyone takes a different amount of time to get over something but I feel like he is trying to punish me now and it feels cruel.

Sorry, there was a typo: I meant that we had moved in together. We don't live together anymore. We got back together 4 months ago and have been taking things slowly.

Without knowing what it is, and the very fact that you are approaching others to figure it out ---- mean it means something to him.

Regardless, I think that his reaction ---- if "over the top" is being used as excuse to distance himself from you. Perhaps the moving in together was premature?

Agree but it sounds very much like the b/f is making it more "significant" than it really is. I'm convinced that this type of behaviour is a form on controlling/bullying.

Given her original misuse of "silly," I'd be interested in hearing what all she does actually consider silly.

Not that I'm giving the boyfriend a pass, but if the OP can't even provide an adequately detailed account of *her own side of the story,* there's literally no way to credit fault to him even if we wanted to be biased toward her.

Sorry, there was a typo: I meant that we had moved in together. We don't live together anymore. We got back together 4 months ago and have been taking things slowly.

Then perhaps the "reconciliation" has run it's course and he is trying to get out of the relationship.

I doubt that very much as things had been really good until this argument/issue.

Wow ok. I really didn't expect people to get so aggressive on here. I hoped I was coming to a place where people would try to be a bit kind.

I'm not 'ashamed' of it, I just don't think it is relevant.

It would also be taken very differently because most of you seem to be from the US and cultural difference would make it a whole other situation.

Wow ok. I really didn't expect people to get so aggressive on here. I hoped I was coming to a place where people would try to be a bit kind.

 

I'm not 'ashamed' of it, I just don't think it is relevant.

 

It would also be taken very differently because most of you seem to be from the US and cultural difference would make it a whole other situation.

This was in response to j.man's comment...

Since you are being so ambiguous there isn't much anyone can offer.

You said something with regard to his work.

You know he is stressed.

You know he is still angry and may break up with you.

You cannot make him accept your apology nor talk to you. All you can do is wait it out.

Not entirely sure where you got that he may break up with me from... he may do, of course, But I didn't say that.

I feel like only a few people have really understood the real question I was asking (perhaps because my post was so long).

I just don't know whether I should leave him be, to come to me, or to try to make contact again in a few days...

We actually are very nice here on this board And no not everyone is from the US. I am not, but I became a part of it years ago. This is irrelevant. Relevant would be that you told us what exactly is going on with you and be honest, because it is not easy for us to evaluate your situation if we don't know the situation. Me for example am very hesitant to give advice, because I have no insight of what you did.

 

 

 

I just don't know whether I should leave him be, to come to me, or to try to make contact again in a few days...

Leave him be and enjoy the peace. chi

I am getting really stressed and upset by this. Feeling quite desperate and worried he will break up with me. Despite what some people might say I should do, I don't want to break up with him.

I got it from your original post. The only thing you can do is leave him alone.

We actually are very nice here on this board And no not everyone is from the US. I am not, but I became a part of it years ago. This is irrelevant. Relevant would be that you told us what exactly is going on with you and be honest, because it is not easy for us to evaluate your situation if we don't know the situation. Me for example am very hesitant to give advice, because I have no insight of what you did.

Ok, I see your point. Wasn't trying to offend anyone.

So, he is a police officer... he told me about someone famous who had been in trouble with the police a few years ago. I was pretty sure I had also heard about it in the media. There was something on Facebook about said famous person and I commented on it in relation to the police incident and mentioned that my boyfriend is a police officer. He isn't on Facebook and his name isn't anywhere on my page. I posted it without thinking and probably less than 2 minutes later I thought about it and realised it was not the best idea and deleted it. Someone that I know through him saw it before I deleted it and sent it to him with a 'you should probably make sure she knows that it's not a good idea to say stuff like that' warning. It turns out it wasn't in the media at all and he could get in to trouble for having told me. HOWEVER, this would only be if the wrong person saw it in those 2 minutes and decided to make a complaint... and they would have to do some digging to trace it back to him. If they asked me I would just pretend I am a fruitloop who made it up and doesn't even have a boyfriend.

I realise how stupid it was, but I'm not a police officer and it isn't at the forefront of my mind all the time to be super careful about what I say. I know I should have thought about It before I posted but I didn't. I feel REALLY bad about it but all I can do, I have done which was delete it very quickly.

Please don't have a go at me... I know how much people either love or hate 'cops'...