"I'm not good enough for you".....don't buy it

Dear women of the world,

If I guy tells you he’s not good enough for you he’s RIGHT! RUN! Run away and NEVER look back. Let’s face it, any person willing to claim, out loud, that he or she is inferior to you probably has several unsavory issues and/or character flaws. Most people don’t jump at the opportunity to admit that they are less important, less deserving, or have less value than another. Of course there will always be someone more attractive, richer, funnier, sweeter, kinder and more talented than you. That is a fact of life. We can’t all be the best at everything. However, most of us know enough to realize that we all have something unique to offer. That is usually enough to keep us from focusing on or announcing all the things we feel we are lacking. Most of us have too much pride for that. So why then are some men so selflessly forth-coming with this information? Why are some men so willing to admit they don’t deserve you, can’t give you what you need and, above all, are just not good enough for you?

When it comes to a man in a relationship, two motivations, above all, would inspire such odiously self-deprecating assertions. The first, is a sincere desire to get out of a relationship for which he is clearly not ready. “I’m just not good enough for you” is nothing but the falsely modest first cousin of “It’s not you it’s me”. By claiming he’s not good enough he attempts to make the woman feel that SHE can do much better when, in actually, that is what he thinks HE can do. Whether he is focused on trading up for a “better” woman or is focused on advancing his career, he clearly has his eyes on a prize that he deems is more important than you.

Don’t get me wrong, this attempt, albeit ironic and ridiculous, is usually undertaken to spare someone’s feelings, which, I suppose, is never a bad thing. Plus, if he does have his heart set on something different, you will probably never hear from him again. Win. However, there is very little comfort in hearing someone say he doesn’t deserve you. Obviously YOU thought he did or why would you have bothered!? And why, if he doesn’t feel he deserves you, is he not willing to DO MORE to make himself worthy?

In this case, the answer is simple. He just doesn’t care enough to put forth the effort. Now, that is NOT to say he has no feelings for you at all. He may very well love you. He may want to love you and even know he should. Unfortunately, though, he loves something else more, something that would always come before you. Trust me, you don’t need any part of that. No one in a relationship should ever settle for not being a priority….. No, no, excuse me, for not being THE priority.

A man who says he’s not good enough for you because he can’t put you first is NO man you want to have. Consider yourself lucky he told you in advance, and say goodbye. Just know that, in his brain, he is NOT throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him (despite the fact that, let’s face it, he totally is). He never concentrated on you long enough to know how special you are. He has NO IDEA what he is losing and would have treated any relationship with any other girl the same. He did NOT look at you and say, “Eh. No thanks. I can do better for myself.” Oh, he may have said that, but it’s because he never really looked at you. He was focused on something else all along. Your gifts, talents and charms were NOT seen and then discarded. They were discarded without ever being seen. That is NOT your fault or your shortcoming. So let him walk away, ignorant to the wonders of you, and be thankful for being free to find someone with both eyes open and gazing in your direction.

The man who claims he’s not good enough for you because he’s really too invested in other things to bother is definitely a wretched waste of your time. He also seems to be the ubiquitous norm. More often than not, if you hear those words from a guy, he wants to let you go to pursue his own goals. Once he walks away, he is very likely gone for good. Consider yourself lucky.

There is, however, another reason a man, or woman for that matter, might tell you he/she is not good enough for you. This reason is way less likely, but it is far more severe. Yes, there are people who say they are not good enough because they actually BELIEVE they are not. Their self-esteem and self-worth are so underdeveloped that they truly do feel inferior. These people are not foolish or crazy. They DO recognize all the good in you. The problem is, they hope that all the good in you will magically rub off on them and fill the voids in their flawed self-esteem. So, they bask in your glory and take it all in, but don’t give you anything in return.

Needless to say, I have had experience with both types of men and this type is much more destructive and parasitic. Spending your days trying to convince someone he’s good enough for you is a fulltime job and a total distraction from your own personal growth. Being committed to making someone ELSE feel worthy hinders your ability to focus on yourself and the things that make you happy and fulfilled. It is a terrible drain, and there is no reciprocation. A man who needs all your praise and attention and encouragement cannot give you any in return. If he doesn’t appreciate himself, how can he ever appreciate you and make you feel secure and loved?

How I wish I knew then what I know now. I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my time on men who, for one self-involved reason or another, were just straight up unavailable. So ladies, please heed my advice. If a man tells you he’s not good enough for you, find the nearest exit and run for the hills. Don’t make it your mission to fix him or prove him wrong or inspire him to do better. Do NOT do what I did.

I think we shouldn't take it too personally what people say when they break up with us, rather than simply focus on the fact they don't want to be with us regardless and move on. But I agree with you...not the fact that it's a gender thing...since both men and women can hear this...but yeah if someone tells you that, then just move on. Whether it's true or not is no longer important.

I can see the point you're trying to make, but when all is said and done the hard truth is "if they wanted to be with you, they would."

I hear you. The time to walk away from a man who says that - and not in a light way - is prior to ever starting a relationship at all.

I've had a girlfriend tell me that (ex, obviously) and it was really annoying because while she did have some self esteem issues (and so did I) we both knew that wasn't why she was ending it. It was even more fake when she'd say things like that but then give me other reasons why things weren't working out. It was a desperate way to try and save my feelings but in the end, she was insulting both of our intelligence by saying that.