That crazy little thing called love (refined)

Pls keep in mind that I'm not a native English person so strange senteces do not necessarily mean that I'm rude or disrespectful!

Hello guys,

I'm a straight male and I have an old friend who's a lesbian/bisexual. About 5-6 years ago was the last time I saw her, and a few days ago she decided to contact me again on FB. We've known eachother for 17 years, we went to the same highschool. We never dated or had any interest back in highschool even though she considered herself straight at that time. But then as years went by and we both changed, we really clicked and started to hang out together regularly. She is a truly crazy person, full of life despite a lot of struggle and is an 'idiot' very much the same way as I am. When we last met (5-6 years ago)I had already known a few details about her sexual-/relationship-life, but I was unsure. So I went for it. Thank God things didnt get that far that I actually explicitly told her that I was into her, but I made some moves which she firmly rejected. Although she was not mad at me, she just gave obvious signals that she's not into it. Then she went abroad to work and even the friendly relationship subsided. So this is our lead-up story.

So those 5-6 years have gone by, and out of the blue she wrote me on FB and told me we should meet again. Ofc I was happy to hear from her and even happier that she wanted to see me, but - knowing our history - I really decided to contain myself. Not only on the outside, but on the inside too. I didnt want to start developing feelings for her and then be rejected and hurt again, ruining/harming our friendship. I really enjoy being around her even as a friend, but if more can be had why not have it? Anyways, I knew it wouldnt end well so I approached her strictly on a friendly basis. For the first 5 minutes of the meeting... That was the point when I realized that it was a ridiculous idea to even try this. One cant go against oneself.

So I started to hesitate if being around her is good for me or not. On the one hand its good, because she is just amazing. Easily shrugs off any social pressure, smily, full of life, exceptionally gorgeous both on the in- and outside. Especially on the inside, she's just a beautiful soul. So beautiful I only had a few people in my life like that. And they were all out of the girfriend zone due to age/sex/etc. So basically she's the only person I've ever met who has these exceptional human qualities and would be super-awesome to have as my GF too. If we forget about that we are on an LGBT forum, this would make a cool love-story. And beyond this she really needs me as a friend now as she is going through a lot of hardship these days. If I consider myself a caring friend or lover, its the time I should be around her at least until she somewhat gets her life together again. But on the other hand its extremely painful to have such an attractive person beside you, knowing you can never be together 'that' way. But it's ok, I man up this way if its needed this way.

So I took a deep breath and a few steps back, and tried to figure this thing out as free from my emotional bias as possible. (Which is not too far actually. ) The first thing I realized that I dont want to lose her. I'd rather go through a few months/years of suffering (maybe a lil' harsh word here) and then finally meet some1 else, fall in love and keep her as a friend (one night stands/friends with benefits/etc. dont count here). Than chasing her away with my stubbornness/awkwardness. Being a 'friendzone-loser' (let alone knowingly being one) is not a good choice, but completely losing her is even worse. I'm done with these things with straight girls. I strictly keep my 'take it or leave it' attitude for them and it works. Actually thats the only thing that works. It makes them feel like they can be replaced if they dont show attraction, so if they are attracted then they try to prove it. And this mechanism works as a great filter when you are not attached to any particular girl. But is risky when you are going for a specific girl. And anyways I dont want her to be a subject to my 'hunting game', she's not just 'any girl'... Which is the ultimate mistake men make when dating women, but hell, I'll make it. Pathetic, huh?

Things that may say I have a chance:

-When we met a few days ago, she mentioned that she had boyfriends too, which really surprised me. Even though - as far as I know - in the past years she only dated girls.

-We click, (see above). And many times she stated - without me asking or provoking - that I'm special to her and she also feels like we click, she appreciates me as a person, trusts me and likes me very much. So everything, except sexual/romantic attraction. (Cool!

None of these are big tells or obvious signs but still allow me to think neither her sexual-orientation nor my personal qualities will make her reject me. But thats just cold 'logic'. The thing is, I'm crazy about her and I have no chance forgetting her unless some1 at least equally attractive comes along. Which is really unlikely, therefore I'll be stuck with this feeling for a while. So I might as well do something about it other than feeling sorry for myself.

So I'm in need of your advice badly:

-If I have any chance, then will she look for the apha male character traits in me like straight women do? By that I dont mean being arrogant or full of myself; but calmness, being devoid of shyness, being a firm basis for her emotional imbalance and being funny and playful at the same time. Which all men have to be if they want to be able to keep a GF by their side. But will it work with her?

-Can I compete with her masculine GF just like I can compete with a straight girl's BF? When I took her home the other night, her GF came to pick her up right away. And the GF seemed to be annoyed. Again if a straight girl's BF does that, it's good because he's making a context where I am a potential danger to his status, without me doing or saying a thing. Basically planting the seed in her head instead of me. But will this work with her too?

-I've always had the idea about lesbian relationships, that a great part of why they work is that two women can understand eachother much better than a man and a woman. So I thought that the emotional part of a lesbian relationship is almost flawless as they harmonize really well. And to my surprise - from her stories about her previous GFs and the events of meeting her current GF, I came to realize that (at least masculine) lesbians are just as needy, insecure, overly jealous and lack the belief that they can keep their partner by their side without force. The weaker ones.. JUST LIKE MEN! So am I on the wrong track here thinking: If she's bisexual then she does not think that lesbian relationships are superior to straight relationships (only talking about her own relationships ofc)?

-What signs should I look for? What are the things that a lesbian would never do to a man? Are there any definite signs at all? (I guess not...) Will I be able to see it coming or is it only sure when we are actually kissing? Its really hard to read her, because due to our friendship quite a few things 'go'. So it would be silly to think too much about these things, just because she does not do them to other men. (Excessive eye-contact without the slightest frustration, touching, occasionally hugging, etc.)

Although I'm 100% straight, I was always attracted to the gay/bisex community (even before I realized I liked her) just because they knew how to not give a . What to you is sexuality, to me is other social norms about clothing, choice of music, carreer, marriage... just to mention a few. I've had my share in fighting for these myself too, so thats where the attraction comes from. But I've always known that I'm in great danger if I fall in love with some1. So YOU did this to me, YOU help me out of it!

Same answer as last time you posted. No one knows so just ask.her out and see what happens. You'll know faiquickly if she's in to you.

By 'asking out' do you mean to call her to a date or just meet up? Because the latter took place this weekend, details above.

She is in a lesbian relationship. Accept that.

If you want to be her true friend..do so.

If you want to be in her orbit because you think she is is bisexual and you are trying to poach this relationship, walk away.

Again...your agenda seems to be the only thing you are focused on.

Ask her on a date. Say, you want to go on a dinner date this Friday? If she says yes, at the end of the date go in for a kiss. You'll know pretty quickly if she's interested

I think that being firmly rejected is the only way to get it out of your system

She is in a lesbian relationship. Accept that.

 

If you want to be her true friend..do so.

If you want to be in her orbit because you think she is is bisexual and you are trying to poach this relationship, walk away.

 

Again...your agenda seems to be the only thing you are focused on.

Ok, I finally get what you mean by 'agenda'. And I'm sorry to tell you but everyone has that. Even you, no matter how nasty you think it is. People do what they feel drawn to doing. Even the mother who seems to give herself up for her children is acting according to her own will, fulfilling her own desires (feeding her children, keeping them well and alive, etc.). Nobody ever does a thing they dont want or like unless forced. You are a bit worked up about this I suspect.

No poaching? They expect to be treated equally... well here it goes. I wouldnt hesitate for a second if it was an other guy. Why should I hesitate when its an other girl? Been on both ends of the table... Its a 'big boys' game'. If she wants to play...

And one more thing: I'm yet to see a line from my posts that says I want to change her, trick her into being with me or anything. I'm trying to find out whats in her head so I know if that can be aligned with mine without force. Ofc I'm doing it for my own benefit, but only if it benefits her as well. She would not go along with it any other way. And I wouldnt want her to.

But I'm guessing there'll be a problem with my 'agenda' again... Oh, and dont worry if I see there's nothing to be had here I will walk away. Not abandon her completely, but I will walk away as a 'lover candidate'. This current state is killing me really fast so I wont take it for long, just hope I can find my answers while I'm in it.

Ask her on a date. Say, you want to go on a dinner date this Friday? If she says yes, at the end of the date go in for a kiss. You'll know pretty quickly if she's interested

 

I think that being firmly rejected is the only way to get it out of your system

Should I ever lose my patience, I'll take the 'straight girl' approach you are suggesting.

Dude....you are sooo not a lover candidate.

But go for a kiss. I bet she has a good right hook.

Dude....you are sooo not a lover candidate.

 

But go for a kiss. I bet she has a good right hook.

You are so into bashing me, that you simply ignore what I wrote and answer to what you think I wrote.

I'm not bashing you. She would have to have a signed affidavit from the LGBT community stating that she has been bi and is currently a lesbian and will not date men at this time for you to "move on". So ask her for her proof.

I'm not bashing you. She would have to have a signed affidavit from the LGBT community stating that she has been bi and is currently a lesbian and will not date men at this time for you to "move on". So ask her for her proof.

Sounds awesome! Would you please countersign it?

All right, lets just move on. Getting my thoughts arranged was still worth the effort, even though typing wasnt. Good luck!