he broke my heart with arranged marriage

About 9 months ago I met a Muslim man from Sri-lanka. I am a 27 year old catholic female and I have not had a partner for many years.

This man pursued me with several phone calls a day, 100s of messages and always seemed to have my best interests at heart. We spent all our free time together, learning about each other’s faith and falling in love. I used to say to him its strange how well we click when we are so different; he always replied that that wasn’t a bad thing.

He said to me several times that we would not be in a committed relationship as he is a cricket player and did not want a woman to come before his career until it was sorted.

He assured me that this was the only reason, he also assured me that I was the one who had has heart and he backed this up by looking out for me and

About 4 months into our relationship I heard his mother shouting at him down the phone to enter an arranged marriage and she had 2 lovely girls and for him to choose one.

This was the first I had ever heard of this and I was completely and utterly devastated. That night he held me for hours while I cried and told me that it was what his parents want and not him. They want him to marry a woman in hijab who was from his caste, religion, race and who spoke the same language.

We carried on our relationship for a few more months but it was strained as I didn’t want to get too close. Around this time he started to treat me differently, cancelling dates last minute, swearing at me, telling me I was stupid and that he never loved me. He also asked me to give him space (i never did) to give him a chance to think about what he wants as he was conversing with a girl back home that his parents want. WE continued to meet in public as he told me he could no longer be around a non-mahram woman. I was hysterical many times and had a breakdown over losing the man I love

My male friends were so angry with how he was treating me and threatened him (without my knowledge) which hurt me more.

To make a long story short, he moved back to sri-lanka on 2nd may 2015. I am currently having counselling and am on anti-depressants as I’ve come to realise that this man knew for years that once he finished university he would be expected to return home and marry into an arrangement. I feel used, cheated and betrayed. I gave this man my heart, mind, body and soul. Since he returned a week ago, I’ve threatened to tell his father about me as I feel son hurt and deep anger but I wouldn’t want him to hurt

I loved this man more than anyone in the world and I still do. I just want my heart to stop breaking.

He sent me several messages when he got home stating that he missed me, for me to move on, that we can be together in the next life, that we can’t be together and that he will never forgive himself for hurting me so much. He also messaged my friends on the day he left telling them I was lost, to look after me and he will miss me.

I am a very educated woman; I am the manager of hospital. I don’t drink alcohol, I am currently looking into reverting to Islam (for me, not for him) I look after my parent s and work also as a nurse for those who are dying.

Why could these things not have been important? His family said to him that they would prefer he was dead than with me. His brother had an arranged marriage, after his father found out about a girlfriend he had. His brother has been married for 5 years with 2 children and I have never seen a man with eyes so empty and sad.

My ex has now blocked all forms of communication (which he has done when I get emotional) he’s returning to the UK for 2 weeks in July for his graduation….. I want to pursue him. I want If anyone has been in this situation before, please help. What breaks my heart is the thought of him marrying someone who may never love him or love them back. I’ve cried every day for almost 2 months since I heard he would be returning home….. I am lost

He said to me several times that we would not be in a committed relationship

Any time a man tells you that, listen and believe him. They are not kidding. I'm sorry you're hurting but all you can do at this stage is learn to accept that it's over and move on, as there is nothing that can be done about it. Arranged marriages are extremely common in these cultures and very very hard to change.

i appreciate your honesty

when i did ask him what5 he meant by that, he siad we are exclusive, but his cricket was his first commitment-i feel this was a lie as what he should of said was " we cant be committed due to culture etc"...thats the hard thing for me. if id known that from day one i wouldnt be in this ty position now lol x

I'm sorry. I know this is painful, but this is a lesson learned that you can't just fall in love and think that love feelings are all that is necessary to make a relationship work. So much more is necessary, shared goals, common backgrounds, similar cultures/lifestyle choices/religions etc. I think with a little research you would have realized that this is the norm for his culture and that he may have been willing to fool around with someone else before marriage, but that marriage in some cultures is more like an arranged business agreement than it is NOT about falling in love. He would also never marry outside his culture/religion, and he would only marry someone chosen by and approved by his parents. Just the nature of that religion/culture.

So a lot of the problem here is you have a misconception that 'all you need is love' when frankly that just isn't true. New love feelings are great at getting the spark going and two people together initially, and they can cement two people who are well matched with similar goals and backgrounds, but they will not overcome major differences in goals, values, lifestyle choices, religion, and culture. You have everything stacked against you except those feelings and were badly matched on those goals, values, religion etc. So you will only make yourself crazy by dwelling on 'why wasn't love enough?' because basically that is not a realistic view of the world when it comes to successful relationships. You must be good match on multiple levels or it falls apart eventually as you discovered.

So next time, look for a man who meshes well on multiple levels not just on a 'love feeling' level.

The other thing is that relationships are optional and not mandatory. So if one person decides anywhere along the way they don't want the relationship, then it is not your task to chase after the person and demand they stay wtih you (i.e., don't try to hold them captive when they want to go), instead recognize that they have made a choice and though it is sad, it is not you, and your task as soon as they break up with you is to let go and work on healing and developing your own life without them so that you can free yourself emotionally to find a man who does have similar goals and want to be with you.

So i suggest you go about reconnecting with your own family, friends, culture, religion rather than dandling after those things that are important to a man who is long gone and is marrying someone else, and might well marry up to 4 women before he is done because the religion allows it. And they will all be women in his culture, race, and background. So that door is closed to you, and you need to work with your therapist to really understand and accept this.

Please do not pursue him. You will only embarrass yourself and stalk and harass him. He has made his decision and it is not you. You need to accept that with grace and find a man who is compatible with you on all levels.

btw, I am someone who has a career where I have had reason to be in contact with a culture where there are arranged marriages and the expectation is that people marry within their culture and race. Out of hundreds of young people i have worked with from an arranged marriage culture, some will date westerners for a while, but only one out of HUNDREDS actually married a western girl, and he came from a very enlightened and modern family who did not follow the traditional cultural/religious constraints. The rest of the hundreds all went and married women from their own culture, chosen for them by their parents in an arranged marriage.

So in your case, his family is against you, and he is now against you and siding with his culture and religion and traditions, so he is just not interested in continuing with you. I'm really sorry, but i think in the long run you will be better off marrying someone who is from your culture and religion because living in Sri Lanka is nowhere near like living in a Western culture and i think it would be a very unpleasant shock for you and something that would never have worked.

So focus now on working with your therapist and recognizing you should not try to hold someone you love captive if they want to go. The reality is he never did marry you, and you are hooked on a false ideas that your own feelings justify holding onto him when he doesn't want you and also that he 'owes' it to you to marry you just because he dated you for a while. And there are so many huge differences between you on a practical level that it would never have worked and I think he realized that even if you didn't.

Everyone (unless they marry their first love/high school sweetheart) goes thru heartbreak (and sometimes multiple times) before they do find their true match, and they do get over it, so you need to focus on being resilient and recognizing the sooner you heal from this, the sooner you can get back out there and meet a man who is fully suited for you and hence the right prospect for marriage, as this man was not.

>>he siad we are exclusive, but his cricket was his first commitment-i feel this was a lie as what he should of said was " we cant be committed due to culture etc"...thats the hard thing for me.

Also try to work on being a little less gullible. Very few men are going to say, 'I'm just dating you now to pass the time' or 'You're not quite my type but good enough for now,' because if they did do that, they'd be lonely and not get sex. It is also unrealistic to expect that just because a man dates you and sleeps with you, he MUST marry you, because most of the time he won't! You will eventually find that one man where the relationship proves out and leads to marriage, but you will have a lot of other relationships that don't before you get there.

So next time, if you fall too much in love too quickly, don't agree to sleep with a man until you've really gotten to know him and have had discussions about his goals and whether he intends to marry in the next 2, 5, 10 years and whether he is dating just to pass the time and have fun, or dating with a serious intent to get to know you and decide whether you are right to marry or not within the next few years. If he says he's not looking for a wife anytime soon or he just wants to have fun with no goals to get serious, then just move on and don't allow yourself to get attached.

This guy DID say all he was focusing on was cricket. Which is another way of saying, marriage is not the least bit on his mind or even on his radar yet. If someone had said that to me, i would have moved on if what i was looking for was a serious relationship that might lead to marriage.

Boy did you ever dodge a bullet here! I realize you don't see it now, because of the pain and heartbreak, but this individual wouldn't have been good for you in the long run. Just look at what you wrote: "he started to treat me differently, cancelling dates last minute, swearing at me, telling me I was stupid and that he never loved me". This would have been your future, once the honeymoon period was over. You will try to tell me he was just trying to distance himself from you, knowing he had to marry someone else, but no, if he was able to behave that way, it means exactly that: he is able to behave that way and treat women like crap.

Besides, he was never going to marry you, and he made it perfectly clear. It is very common for guys from this cultural background to date around and sow their wild oats until the time comes for the family to find him a bride, and no, these guys will never tell you that you're just a pass time, a filler they use to have their fun until marriage.

Let him go marry whomever they picked for him, let her deal with his rude a$$, don't envy her (I certainly woudln't) and you go ahead and find yourself a good man with a great upbringing, who knows how to treat a woman and make her happy.

Please do not pursue him. You will only embarrass yourself and stalk and harass him. He has made his decision and it is not you. You need to accept that with grace and find a man who is compatible with you on all levels.

Could not agree more.

Thank you chickadee for your response, its greatly appreciated.

i did not pursue, haresses or stalk him and i refuse too.

I’m letting him go now, but when I tried to (i.e when he reverted back to Islam) he constantly contacted me and I allowed it.

Everything you say makes sense and it’s a hard truth to swallow. I never expected to marry him, but it was being led under false pretences that have truly hurt me. If he had said from the start my parents expect me to have an arranged marriage, a relationship would never have taken place.

It was very hard for us to both let go.

He did ask me to marry him with the idea of me reverting to Islam. After a discussion with his father he was told “that he would be better off dead” than come home with me i.e. a white girl. Soon after his parents booked him a one way ticket and his dad had “serious heart problems” which would be made worse if my ex didn’t return. (A pure lie I imagine)

We did hold off before sleeping together, and in regards to what he said about the cricket (I tried to call it off then) he said to me that he will never hurt me and never to let him go. Foolish, i know

I was shocked when he contacted me after moving home, (he initiated it might I add)saying he was sorry, that things are ok at home and he misses me dearly

I don’t think falling in love after 6 months of seeing someone regularly is too quick.

I think what’s paining me is the fact that his brother looks like the most miserable man on the planet after his arranged marriage… I want my ex to face a life with someone who loves him and he loves her.

He also told me that his life belongs to his parents and only them.

I want to contact him that I love him as he’s coming back in about 6-7 weeks but I’m far too proud.

I wish these men would have the common decency to be upfront and honest from day 1 without allowing the woman to fall in love with them.

Heartbreak is the strongest emotion that god gave us and also the most painful. I told him 2 days ago that he will never be as hurt as me…. His response was that he’s hurting daily and will never forgive himself for hurting me unless I can forgive him.

I understand what you say about culture etc, but these men should not integrate in western society unless they wish to adhere to their cultural ways, instead of going home and living life the way their parents want them too.

I’m not naive at all, this was my first relationship in 3 years and it was taken slowly with friendship built up first.

Thankyou again

Actually, what the hell am I saying? I have a master’s degree, am a hospital manager, have men after me all the time. Am not a racist like him and his family, and treat people with respect.

He on the other hand does not have the balls to face up to his family, has acne and can barley support himself, earns x3 less than I do. He can go and marry his unloved wife and live a fake happy life to please his parents.

I’m so glad I found this forum.

I’m lucky to come from a respectful background with loving parents. Unlike this man I was brought up to treat people with respect in regards to sex, ethnicity, culture religion etc

Thanks Guys ;-)

Sometimes you can sithere reading stories on here and every so often one really touches me ..and yours has ..so sad and I can feel your heartbreak in your words . I wont bother scraping over the "well you knew" etc etc etc etc

Please don't chase him when he comes back ..you are so much better then this ...it is over , don't tell his dad , don;t ever try and contact him again , just pick up the pieces day at a time ..best wishes , I so feel for you.

Thank you.

A part of me would love to inform his dad so that he can feel some of the hurt I’ve felt.

I also know that his brother had a child with a young woman is Australia and he abandoned them to have an arranged married, I feel the reason why his brother looks so miserable with his wife (who is not the most attractive woman on the planet) is his karma.

He was my first relationship in a long time as I didn’t want to get into another relationship after I found out my ex fiancée was cheating (2 months before our marriage) my ex knew about this.

I started my hospital managers job a little over a month ago and have already had a week signed off from my GP due to severe depression and anxiety.

I want this feeling to end and I have never had one person hurt me so deeply. To suck me in and spit me out once he was done with his fun

I won’t tell his dad about his son as revenge is sweet with a bitter aftertaste.

I have only ever met one person who was in an arranged marriage ...he openly admitted he didn't love her "in the way one would in marriage" but that is how it is ..the end ...

you will get over this ... just give yourself time

Why do these men do this?

Why do these men do this?

I hate to say this because I don't want to add to you feeling used ..but I probably think he was enjoying what real feelings are before he did what had always known he would do .. He jumped out of his own box to explore the world before he had to jump back in and sadly it was you he jumped on .....I tell you what , he will certainly never forget the time you had ..I know that is poor consolation at your end .

Thanks.

I don’t believe these men will ever truly love their wives or vice-versa.

It’s extremely sad, what’s even sadder is them taking advantage of young woman.

It took me years to find the courage to get close to someone again and I HATE that he ruined the trust that took years to rebuild.

I will find a good honest man who will never hurt me, he on the other hand will be with someone out of obligation and may never experience 100% love.

Has any other woman here been in this position?

Thanks.

I don’t believe these men will ever truly love their wives or vice-versa.

It’s extremely sad, what’s even sadder is them taking advantage of young woman.

It took me years to find the courage to get close to someone again and I HATE that he ruined the trust that took years to rebuild.

I will find a good honest man who will never hurt me, he on the other hand will be with someone out of obligation and may never experience 100% love.

I do agree with you .. I guess there are some that do learn to love each other , but their loyalty to their customs are so huge that it seemingly makes no difference .

I have made a million mistakes in my life ..now I can see what I had to learn here and there along the road ..and that is what you have to do ..

i never had a problem with the fact that we would not get married..... it was the deception and lies that got me into the relationship in the first place. For someone who i was so close to and shared so many personal things with, to know all along that he would have to marry someone of their "own kind" is disgusting. Im not a toy that someone can play with. Im a person not a robot and have feelings like everyone else.

i never tried to hold him captive, i wanted ans such a how long he had known this. I only found out after hearing his mother on the phone by accident.

And it definatley is a lesson learnt, thanks xx ;-)

Unfortunately, the ones who chase you hardest, yet tell you they can't commit, and you later find out huge things they withheld from you are simply operating under the "I have to get my fun in now,now,now before my prior commitments come calling."

This guy knew he was in an arranged marriage. Plenty of cricket players are married and have families, so that was a load of rubbish. I'm glad you realize your value and his lies for what they are. You are indeed a catch and the right man will recognize that and want to be with you for the right ones. I hope you've gone NC with this one, so he can't use you as an affair partner after he's married.

Believe me, he'll try. What a total jerk.

Go NC, heal, you will recover and move on to continue having a fabulous life. His wife, not so much. I feel sorry for the woman who has to marry this guy.

Thankyou so much.

I want nothing to do with him. Hes a user, liar, uneducated, spineless little man. Any man that does that to a woman is not a man, and purely a messed up little boy. I hope he treats his wife better. Poor woman

Out of curiosity, at what age do these men know about their “fate” so to speak? What if the parents like the woman but the man is not so keen?

I find it bizarre and a little sad (regardless to my circumstance)

as far as I know they grow up knowing , as for exact age when they are expected to marry , I am not sure ....I also thought they where allowed to have a chaperoned date and where allowed to say no ...BUT ...I am not sure ..this is just dribs and drabs I have heard and I think even in arranged marriages there are different customs .

Actually, what the hell am I saying? I have a master’s degree, am a hospital manager, have men after me all the time. Am not a racist like him and his family, and treat people with respect.

He on the other hand does not have the balls to face up to his family, has acne and can barley support himself, earns x3 less than I do. He can go and marry his unloved wife and live a fake happy life to please his parents.

I’m so glad I found this forum.

I’m lucky to come from a respectful background with loving parents. Unlike this man I was brought up to treat people with respect in regards to sex, ethnicity, culture religion etc

Thanks Guys ;-)

Exactly, by the sounds of it you have a lot going for you, and you can do SO much better than this weak, spineless excuse for a man. I absolutely hate narrow minded people, and no matter what they say, him, his family and all those who think like them are racist to the extreme - why tie your life to this type of people? His life belongs to his parents lol... good luck to him and that poor girl he's marrying! I can only imagine how he'll treat her, and how she'll have to walk on eggshells to please his parents...ugh! You may still love him now, but give it a couple of months, and you'll see exactly what I'm seeing now, and that is what a huge bullet you just dodged

>>A part of me would love to inform his dad so that he can feel some of the hurt I’ve felt.

Then the father would just tell him, 'i'm glad you've had your fun and gotten it out of your system, and i'm glad you are a good son and marrying the wife we've chosen for you rather than this stalking foreigner who won't let go.' So your intent will not be accomplished at all, so better to just leave it alone.

One other thing to work on is that life is about change, and nothing is guaranteed. Maybe at one point he thought he could set aside family and tradition, but realized in the end it was too big a loss for him to lose his family and culture to marry you. Or maybe he knew exactly that he intended to leave from the beginning. But the bottom line is things changed, and he is not interested in the relationship anymore, so your task is to let go of the past and accept this change and steer yourself towards a happier future for yourself.

Re-establish contact with your family, friends, those of your same culture and possibly religion if you believed in it before you met him, to get yourself re-aligned with your current circumstances and values. Things are over and done with this bloke, and you need to find yourself again rather than trying to continue to pick up his identity and culture and religion and focus on him.

Out of curiosity, at what age do these men know about their “fate” so to speak? What if the parents like the woman but the man is not so keen?

I find it bizarre and a little sad (regardless to my circumstance)

They are brought up in the idea that they will marry the woman their parents choose for them, that's why they do their best to live it up until then (usually with white girls from what I notice, I'm not quite sure why they think we are more easily disposable?). Most of them will cheat on their wives left right and center, because they don't actually love them. It is always a good idea to steer clear of these men, because nothing good can come out of it. Even if they end up being serious about a relationship with someone outside of their culture, the pressure their families will put on them and the shaming will most definitely put a strain on their relationships. So not worth it! Plenty of great guys of your own background out there... you have all the qualities necessary to score one of them