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Thread: Lap dance at his bachelor party.

  1. #1
    Powder Blue's Avatar
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    Lap dance at his bachelor party.

    Hello, everyone. I'm posting here because I feel like if I asked any of my friends or family about this situation, they would tell me that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and to get over it. So I'm hoping for some unbiased opinions as to my situation.

    First off, let me start by saying that I'm engaged to be married to my absolute best friend. Our wedding date is May 16th, coming up quick. We've been together for four years now and he's a great guy in every possible way - supportive, financially stable, romantic and always has my best interests in mind. We live together as well, and have for around two years now. Not much will really even change in our relationship with our wedding other than becoming "Mr. and Mrs."

    Anyway, around two years ago (summer of 2013) his best friend got married, and my fiancee was a groomsman. His friend lives in Kansas City, MO and had his bachelor party there. When my fiancee came home from the bachelor party, curiosity got the best of me and I asked if they had gone to a strip club. It turns out they, of course, had. Apparently it's some really nasty dive called The Outhouse in Lawrence, KS - I Googled the place and, according to the reviews I read online from other patrons of the club, it's a pretty skeezy joint - completely nude girls, full contact dances, VIP/private booths where Lord knows what goes on.

    He was honest with me and told me he had paid to get a lapdance. I was pretty upset. I consider myself a pretty non-jealous type - I could care less about his porn habits, and I even don't mind the thought of him going to a strip club - but I told him then, that I consider lapdances to cross a line. I think anytime touching or contact is involved, it's not okay. Want to just watch strippers - that's fine, it's really no different from watching porn. But having a naked girl in your lap rubbing her goodies all over you? Not okay in my book. We got into a bit of a conflict over this and he agreed with me that he understood from now on that lapdances are a no-no in my book.

    Also, his best friend (who's bachelor party it was) then came to visit a following weekend shortly after and, drunk, proceeded to spill the beans about how nasty the place was - they pulled this guy up on stage, took off his shirt, rubbed their you-know-what's all over him, etc. Not the best mental image - but maybe his wife is cool with that type of things, who knows. I know I wouldn't be.)

    So, fast forward two years to present day, and my own man's bachelor party. He decided to go with his groomsmen to Kansas City for a long weekend, to stay with the friend that lives there. He got back last night and, again, I couldn't let sleeping dogs lie and asked him if he had gone to a strip club.

    He was honest with me (kudos to him for that) and told me that yes, they had gone to a strip club on Saturday night, and on top of that, they had chosen to go back to the SAME nasty place in Lawrence. He says that he mentioned to his buddies when the idea came up that I wouldn't be cool with it, and I guess they just brushed him off, but who knows how much of a fight he really put up about it.

    He then proceeded to tell me that his best man had paid for him to get a lapdance. After we had already talked about this, had a conflict over it, and had agreed that lapdances were a HUGE no-go in my book. I felt so betrayed and hurt, honestly. I was beyond mad.

    He feels really guilty about it and we had a huge talk about it last night - he feels he betrayed my trust by getting a lapdance, and by letting his groomsmen drag him to a strip club even though he knew it went against my wishes. He was very open and honest with me about how awful he felt over the whole situation, to the point where I started to feel bad for him and started saying things like, "It was just a lapdance - not the end of the world. You could have done worse."

    But I woke up this morning still feeling upset and hurt over it, and I'm just not sure what to do to get over it. Maybe time will just help me to forget about it, I'm not sure. But I'm worried something else worse might have gone on, considering what they did to the last bachelor at his party (pulling him up on stage, etc) and he's just holding back on that information.

    Am I just being a big baby about all this? Should I shrug and say, "Boys will be boys, c'est la vie?" Or am I justified in feeling hurt?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    You are completely justified. There's nothing you can really do about it though. I'm sorry you're in this situation....I'm dreading this already and im not even engaged yet. I don't get why people think "Oh I'm getting married so now I have a free pass to do whatever I want for one night." It's BS.

  3. #3
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    To me a lap dance is sexual and cheating. No one forced him to do this and I don't like the whole justification of "they paid for it". I am not sure if it would be a dealbreaker for me but it's up to you and your standards/values. I also don't like that he knew how upset you would be.

    As far as whether he did other things and is hiding those things - then I would say that if you do not trust him to be faithful do not marry him. That would be a dealbreaker for me- decide whether it is for you.

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    Thanks, indea09. It feels good to know that I'm not the only girl who gets upset over these kinds of things. I feel like it's such a thing in our culture these days to be the "cool girl", who lets her man go to strip clubs, get lap dances, etc. because "it's just what men do."

    The fact that all these online reviews say that it's a "full contact" lap dance make me queasy, too. What exactly IS a full-contact lap dance? I've only ever been to one strip club, a long time ago, and it was a very classy Hustler Club - the lap dances there were more like "air above your lap" dances - they didn't touch the guys, and the guys didn't touch them. But apparently at this place, touching not only happens but is encouraged - the stripper will put the guy's hand on her boob, completely grind up into his lap, etc. This completely crosses the line for me!! And what makes it even worse, is that my fiancee KNEW what kind of club this was (since he had been once before) and chose to go AGAIN! Knowing I would be upset about it.

    Gah, the more I sit here and stew over it, the more I get mad all over again. It sucks because I have so much to get done and ready for the wedding, and my motivation is just completely squashed now...

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  6. #5
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    Consider this a serious glimpse of the marriage to come. You can state your views and your boundaries, but he's just going to do what he wants to do anyways and not respect your views on the matter.

    Also he seems too willing to point the blame for his actions at someone else. "My friends made me do it" shouldn't be a part of anyone's vocabulary once they hit 21 in my books. And I'm being really generous with that being the cutoff date.

    You're upset, not over the lapdance, but over the fact that you expressed a direct wish--one that let's face it about 3/4 of the population is going to have, guy or girl since I'm sure he'd be less than thrilled to have some hot naked man rubbing all over you too--and he didn't respect that. Instead he did it anyways then chose to do the whole "hide in plain sight" by confessing what he did.

    At this stage of the game you may want to postpone the wedding, tell him boundaries work is needed and suggest counseling to do that. OR you tell him you get the same for your bachlorette party and you go even the score up by getting yes, a hot male stripper lapdance too. Although that one can backfire if he thinks or uses it in the future to justify "You were okay with it then..." My sense of equality dictates me to suggest that, but in practice I've seen it done and it did not end that well since the husband took that as an invitation to do more on his own then threw it back in my friend's face of "you did it too."

    I'm sorry, but my sense is if you give in to this, let it slide, you will have more of these scenarios in the future and he won't own his actions. He chose to go to that particular strip club and get a lapdance no matter how black he wants to paint his friends. Unless they held a gun to his head and told him to do it or die I think that's what's bothering you, not the lapdance itself per se.

    And yes, that conflict needs to be solved now before you're married and he's off going to strip clubs 'cause gosh my boss insisted or my friends or.or.or.

  7. #6
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    I went to a strip club a couple times early into my marriage (no special occasion, nothing), because my boss who I did business trips with all the time wanted to go (and the first time I was admittedly very curious). The first time I felt bad. The second time I felt bad. I quickly saw the pattern of paying money to feel bad was a complete waste, and I never went again after that.

    I didn't tell my wife about those experiences till years later. She was upset, but we got through it without much trouble.

    Now, I can't say what happens at this particular establishment ("The Outhouse?" geeze that sounds like a dump, literally). I can tell you the places I went to, the lap dances consisted of sitting on a couch like-seat within view of the stage, and the policy was strictly hands-off from the customer's point. In the dance the women were half dressed and flashed their bits, and could do pretty much whatever, and typically grinded the men (who where fully clothed) hard enough that an easily-aroused man might ejaculate. This was under the watchful eye of a manager type who, I got the sense, regulated how far the girls would go.

    This place had a VIP, which I avoided because my manager told me not to (and I knew this guy well enough to know that if even he didn't think it was appropriate then it probably was serious business). The VIPs were unmonitored private rooms, and I imagine some sexual acts, with handjobs being probably the most innocent, likely occurred. Who knows though what happened there though, and state laws and etiquette probably varies wildly from place to place.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member greta96's Avatar
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    He gave in to peer pressure, that's all. Nobody wants to be a party pooper, especially when the "party" is in your honor, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want his friends to laugh at him and call him "p*ssy-whipped" for refusing to go because his woman told him not to.
    It doesn't mean I like the mentality, but I totally get where he's coming from.

    I don't think it's worth ruining a perfectly good relationship over something so trivial.

  9. #8
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    Personally, I do think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. If you trust him and everything else in your relationship is as good as you have stated, than why ruin it over this. Now if was constantly going to strip joints and getting lap dances you would have an issue, which I do not see anywhere in your post. It was his bachelor party and then two years ago at his best friends bachelor party. So if that is it two lap dances in two years, then you have some other issue you need to look at. I have been to some parties where the groom to be had no choice in the matter. Usually because we (his friends) plan on getting him wasted, we don't let him drive. He is at the mercy of where we take him and what we have planned for him.

  10. #9
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    So what can you do at this point? Call off the wedding?

    You only have two options:

    1.) Tell him you didn't like it, steam a little, then let it pass and then forget about it
    2.) Call off the wedding that is taking place in what, 10 days? You will have to tell everyone why of course, and then go searching for another man to marry.

    In his defense, I've been to stags before, there's a good chance he was basically peer pressured into it. And by the way, 95% of all strip clubs in NA are exactly how you described or worse so....I wouldn't bother digging for more information.

  11. #10
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    A lap dance at a bachelor party is not and has never been sex nor is it cheating. Nor it an indication that he'll be going to strip clubs after your marriage or an indicator that he'll ignore your wishes during the marriage.

    What it was, was a harmless bachelor party. He could have lied about it but was straight up about what happened.

    If having a lap dance at a bachelor party was an indicator of moral short comings and marital discord, there's waaaay more men that should be divorced today than are.

    Lighten up.

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