Lap dance at his bachelor party.

Hello, everyone. I'm posting here because I feel like if I asked any of my friends or family about this situation, they would tell me that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and to get over it. So I'm hoping for some unbiased opinions as to my situation.

First off, let me start by saying that I'm engaged to be married to my absolute best friend. Our wedding date is May 16th, coming up quick. We've been together for four years now and he's a great guy in every possible way - supportive, financially stable, romantic and always has my best interests in mind. We live together as well, and have for around two years now. Not much will really even change in our relationship with our wedding other than becoming "Mr. and Mrs."

Anyway, around two years ago (summer of 2013) his best friend got married, and my fiancee was a groomsman. His friend lives in Kansas City, MO and had his bachelor party there. When my fiancee came home from the bachelor party, curiosity got the best of me and I asked if they had gone to a strip club. It turns out they, of course, had. Apparently it's some really nasty dive called The Outhouse in Lawrence, KS - I Googled the place and, according to the reviews I read online from other patrons of the club, it's a pretty skeezy joint - completely nude girls, full contact dances, VIP/private booths where Lord knows what goes on.

He was honest with me and told me he had paid to get a lapdance. I was pretty upset. I consider myself a pretty non-jealous type - I could care less about his porn habits, and I even don't mind the thought of him going to a strip club - but I told him then, that I consider lapdances to cross a line. I think anytime touching or contact is involved, it's not okay. Want to just watch strippers - that's fine, it's really no different from watching porn. But having a naked girl in your lap rubbing her goodies all over you? Not okay in my book. We got into a bit of a conflict over this and he agreed with me that he understood from now on that lapdances are a no-no in my book.

Also, his best friend (who's bachelor party it was) then came to visit a following weekend shortly after and, drunk, proceeded to spill the beans about how nasty the place was - they pulled this guy up on stage, took off his shirt, rubbed their you-know-what's all over him, etc. Not the best mental image - but maybe his wife is cool with that type of things, who knows. I know I wouldn't be.)

So, fast forward two years to present day, and my own man's bachelor party. He decided to go with his groomsmen to Kansas City for a long weekend, to stay with the friend that lives there. He got back last night and, again, I couldn't let sleeping dogs lie and asked him if he had gone to a strip club.

He was honest with me (kudos to him for that) and told me that yes, they had gone to a strip club on Saturday night, and on top of that, they had chosen to go back to the SAME nasty place in Lawrence. He says that he mentioned to his buddies when the idea came up that I wouldn't be cool with it, and I guess they just brushed him off, but who knows how much of a fight he really put up about it.

He then proceeded to tell me that his best man had paid for him to get a lapdance. After we had already talked about this, had a conflict over it, and had agreed that lapdances were a HUGE no-go in my book. I felt so betrayed and hurt, honestly. I was beyond mad.

He feels really guilty about it and we had a huge talk about it last night - he feels he betrayed my trust by getting a lapdance, and by letting his groomsmen drag him to a strip club even though he knew it went against my wishes. He was very open and honest with me about how awful he felt over the whole situation, to the point where I started to feel bad for him and started saying things like, "It was just a lapdance - not the end of the world. You could have done worse."

But I woke up this morning still feeling upset and hurt over it, and I'm just not sure what to do to get over it. Maybe time will just help me to forget about it, I'm not sure. But I'm worried something else worse might have gone on, considering what they did to the last bachelor at his party (pulling him up on stage, etc) and he's just holding back on that information.

Am I just being a big baby about all this? Should I shrug and say, "Boys will be boys, c'est la vie?" Or am I justified in feeling hurt?

You are completely justified. There's nothing you can really do about it though. I'm sorry you're in this situation....I'm dreading this already and im not even engaged yet. I don't get why people think "Oh I'm getting married so now I have a free pass to do whatever I want for one night." It's BS.

To me a lap dance is sexual and cheating. No one forced him to do this and I don't like the whole justification of "they paid for it". I am not sure if it would be a dealbreaker for me but it's up to you and your standards/values. I also don't like that he knew how upset you would be.

As far as whether he did other things and is hiding those things - then I would say that if you do not trust him to be faithful do not marry him. That would be a dealbreaker for me- decide whether it is for you.

Thanks, indea09. It feels good to know that I'm not the only girl who gets upset over these kinds of things. I feel like it's such a thing in our culture these days to be the "cool girl", who lets her man go to strip clubs, get lap dances, etc. because "it's just what men do."

The fact that all these online reviews say that it's a "full contact" lap dance make me queasy, too. What exactly IS a full-contact lap dance? I've only ever been to one strip club, a long time ago, and it was a very classy Hustler Club - the lap dances there were more like "air above your lap" dances - they didn't touch the guys, and the guys didn't touch them. But apparently at this place, touching not only happens but is encouraged - the stripper will put the guy's hand on her boob, completely grind up into his lap, etc. This completely crosses the line for me!! And what makes it even worse, is that my fiancee KNEW what kind of club this was (since he had been once before) and chose to go AGAIN! Knowing I would be upset about it.

Gah, the more I sit here and stew over it, the more I get mad all over again. It sucks because I have so much to get done and ready for the wedding, and my motivation is just completely squashed now...

Consider this a serious glimpse of the marriage to come. You can state your views and your boundaries, but he's just going to do what he wants to do anyways and not respect your views on the matter.

Also he seems too willing to point the blame for his actions at someone else. "My friends made me do it" shouldn't be a part of anyone's vocabulary once they hit 21 in my books. And I'm being really generous with that being the cutoff date.

You're upset, not over the lapdance, but over the fact that you expressed a direct wish--one that let's face it about 3/4 of the population is going to have, guy or girl since I'm sure he'd be less than thrilled to have some hot naked man rubbing all over you too--and he didn't respect that. Instead he did it anyways then chose to do the whole "hide in plain sight" by confessing what he did.

At this stage of the game you may want to postpone the wedding, tell him boundaries work is needed and suggest counseling to do that. OR you tell him you get the same for your bachlorette party and you go even the score up by getting yes, a hot male stripper lapdance too. Although that one can backfire if he thinks or uses it in the future to justify "You were okay with it then..." My sense of equality dictates me to suggest that, but in practice I've seen it done and it did not end that well since the husband took that as an invitation to do more on his own then threw it back in my friend's face of "you did it too."

I'm sorry, but my sense is if you give in to this, let it slide, you will have more of these scenarios in the future and he won't own his actions. He chose to go to that particular strip club and get a lapdance no matter how black he wants to paint his friends. Unless they held a gun to his head and told him to do it or die I think that's what's bothering you, not the lapdance itself per se.

And yes, that conflict needs to be solved now before you're married and he's off going to strip clubs 'cause gosh my boss insisted or my friends or.or.or.

I went to a strip club a couple times early into my marriage (no special occasion, nothing), because my boss who I did business trips with all the time wanted to go (and the first time I was admittedly very curious). The first time I felt bad. The second time I felt bad. I quickly saw the pattern of paying money to feel bad was a complete waste, and I never went again after that.

I didn't tell my wife about those experiences till years later. She was upset, but we got through it without much trouble.

Now, I can't say what happens at this particular establishment ("The Outhouse?" geeze that sounds like a dump, literally). I can tell you the places I went to, the lap dances consisted of sitting on a couch like-seat within view of the stage, and the policy was strictly hands-off from the customer's point. In the dance the women were half dressed and flashed their bits, and could do pretty much whatever, and typically grinded the men (who where fully clothed) hard enough that an easily-aroused man might ejaculate. This was under the watchful eye of a manager type who, I got the sense, regulated how far the girls would go.

This place had a VIP, which I avoided because my manager told me not to (and I knew this guy well enough to know that if even he didn't think it was appropriate then it probably was serious business). The VIPs were unmonitored private rooms, and I imagine some sexual acts, with handjobs being probably the most innocent, likely occurred. Who knows though what happened there though, and state laws and etiquette probably varies wildly from place to place.

He gave in to peer pressure, that's all. Nobody wants to be a party pooper, especially when the "party" is in your honor, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want his friends to laugh at him and call him "p*ssy-whipped" for refusing to go because his woman told him not to.

It doesn't mean I like the mentality, but I totally get where he's coming from.

I don't think it's worth ruining a perfectly good relationship over something so trivial.

Personally, I do think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. If you trust him and everything else in your relationship is as good as you have stated, than why ruin it over this. Now if was constantly going to strip joints and getting lap dances you would have an issue, which I do not see anywhere in your post. It was his bachelor party and then two years ago at his best friends bachelor party. So if that is it two lap dances in two years, then you have some other issue you need to look at. I have been to some parties where the groom to be had no choice in the matter. Usually because we (his friends) plan on getting him wasted, we don't let him drive. He is at the mercy of where we take him and what we have planned for him.

So what can you do at this point? Call off the wedding?

You only have two options:

1.) Tell him you didn't like it, steam a little, then let it pass and then forget about it

2.) Call off the wedding that is taking place in what, 10 days? You will have to tell everyone why of course, and then go searching for another man to marry.

In his defense, I've been to stags before, there's a good chance he was basically peer pressured into it. And by the way, 95% of all strip clubs in NA are exactly how you described or worse so....I wouldn't bother digging for more information.

A lap dance at a bachelor party is not and has never been sex nor is it cheating. Nor it an indication that he'll be going to strip clubs after your marriage or an indicator that he'll ignore your wishes during the marriage.

What it was, was a harmless bachelor party. He could have lied about it but was straight up about what happened.

If having a lap dance at a bachelor party was an indicator of moral short comings and marital discord, there's waaaay more men that should be divorced today than are.

Lighten up.

I've been to a bunch of strips clubs with dudes and girls, and it's really all novelty. It's a woman that's paid to dance during one song.

I guess once you start seeing all the bumps, hurdles, obstacles, and triumphs after being in a marriage, a lap dance is a drop in the bucket. In the grand scheme of things, if your partner is honest, loving with similar life goals, and you take care of eachother, does a rite of passage at a bachelor party going to take away from a wonderful marriage for the rest of your life?

You can't control every dumb thing your spouse will do over the years.

I define cheating as having sexual contact with another person. And he also betrayed his promise to her. Who cares if the participant is being paid for it? And of course he could have said no and made up whatever excuse other than his fiancee wouldn't allow it. And if his "friends" would call him " whipped" then time to man up and get new friends.

I would have let the first time go if you hadn't established what your boundaries were and never talked about them, but I think the second time - you have a point. You told him clearly that lapdances were not allowed in your relationship and he chose to do it. I would not have faulted him if the guys planned a surprise by taking him to a strip club - being there like that wouldn't bother me so much if he never frequented them otherwise - but deliberately getting a lapdance and not refusing it would really frost me. It is not like you are asking him anything unreasonable - as in "you can only talk to male waitstaff" or something silly.

I am glad that he came clean, but to me - does he do other things where he knows they are wrong, does it anyways, etc? Does he have no censor button and does he do things just because the guys want him too. He is too old to use peer pressure as an excuse. Do you have other situations where its "better to apologize later than ask in the first place?"

Just my opinion, but I would dump this loser. He does not love you or respect you.

He's not sorry. He did what he wanted and what he friends egged him on to do. (If they actually did that) He didn't stop to think about how it might hurt you or your relationship. Or If he did, he clearly didn't care enough to stop himself.

This isn't about whether or not you are okay with strip clubs. It does not matter the subject. The real issue is that you very specifically asked him not to do something, that you felt was crossing a boundary for you.

Not everyone has to agree, it is YOUR boundary and as YOUR fiancée, he should love and respect you enough to adhere to it.

That is what is worrying. He's lucky that you are so tolerant to begin with, a lot of women have a problem with strip clubs in general. I do.

I don't think its the same as porn, because they are in the room with you, and I consider it cheating. Not everyone has to agree, but this isn't about everyone's opinions, it's about your personal boundaries

and he intentionally crossed them.

Don't excuse it. If you do and you marry him, you are setting him up for the future to do whatever he feels like in the moment, as long as he says he's sorry and that he "feels bad", which let's be honest, he doesn't at all.

If he did, he NEVER would have gone back to that place, and never would have gotten a lap dance knowing how much it would hurt you.

He loves himself more than you. Marry him if you want to, but expect that every time a choice comes up for him to either do what he feels like or respecting you, he's gonna choose himself.

But don't worry, he'll be sorry every time he purposefully and with full knowledge of what he is doing, disrespects you and the relationship.

Please give yourself a little respect. He knew what he was doing. He didn't care. Do you really want to marry someone with such blatant disregard for your feelings?

Get over the lap dance. You consider that cheating? Really? You should actually view a lap dance and see what goes on and what doesn't. It is a pretty highly controlled encounter. Sure there is bumping and grinding but that is usually the extent. Where is the cheating? This not a future indication of anything except your inability to control his every move. Give him some freedom and trust he will hold to proper boundaries. The issue is you do not see this as a novelty and not a referendum on if he loves you enough.

He has done it twice during these male rituals. I would be more concerned if he was going on a weekly basis. It is a bit of slap and tickle where he and his mates have a laugh. it really sounds like he is going to be under your thumb. Can you just agree to disagree about this and let it go? How dare he kick up his heels without getting permission from you first. It was a dance, let it go!

It's not just a dance -it's sexual contact with another person. The "dance" label is just a silly euphemism.

I've been to a bunch of strips clubs with dudes and girls, and it's really all novelty. It's a woman that's paid to dance during one song.

 

I guess once you start seeing all the bumps, hurdles, obstacles, and triumphs after being in a marriage, a lap dance is a drop in the bucket. In the grand scheme of things, if your partner is honest, loving with similar life goals, and you take care of eachother, does a rite of passage at a bachelor party going to take away from a wonderful marriage for the rest of your life?

 

You can't control every dumb thing your spouse will do over the years.

A lap dance is disrespectful to a lot of people. Many people consider it cheating. It's not a small thing to some people, including the OP.

Not everyone thinks going to a strip clubs is a "rite of passage". Many people consider it to be an outdated, sexist, sleazy excuse to cheat before the wedding.

This isn't about control, it's about expecting your fiancé/spouse to respect your wishes. What if the situation was reversed? What if some handsome guy she worked with invited her out to dinner.

It's just looking and not touching, right? But then she paid him to kiss her. Then her fiancé said, " Look, I don't mind you going out to dinner, but please don't kiss him again.

Then she did because her girlfriends said she should. It's cool, right? He should let that go?

Get over the lap dance. You consider that cheating? Really? You should actually view a lap dance and see what goes on and what doesn't. It is a pretty highly controlled encounter. Sure there is bumping and grinding but that is usually the extent. Where is the cheating? This not a future indication of anything except your inability to control his every move. Give him some freedom and trust he will hold to proper boundaries. The issue is you do not see this as a novelty and not a referendum on if he loves you enough.

!

She is allowed to have whatever boundaries she wants. Everyone has different definitions of cheating and they are allowed to have varying opinions. Some people's boundary is a kiss, for others it's sex, some people even think intimate hugging or talking is cheating.

It really doesn't matter, maybe a lap dance isn't a boundary for you, but it IS for HER. That's what matters here, and the fact that he didn't even try to respect her wishes.

OP, you have a right to feel however you wish. Just because some people don't consider a lap dance cheating, others do. Every relationship has different boundaries.

You aren't "controlling" for not wanting another naked woman rubbing up on your husband. There is no rule that says you have to be okay with this. A lot of women aren't.

even if you don't consider it "cheating", you are clearly uncomfortable with it, and you have a right to feel that way.

If he wants "FREEDOM" he shouldn't be getting married. Marriage isn't about control, but it IS about mutual respect and trusting that if your spouse asks you to respect a boundary, that you do.

Relationships are about compromise. You both state what is important to you...and the other person does what they find reasonable within the parameters of how that relationship is defined (bf/gf, fiancé, married...monogamous, open...however two people define it).

You can't dictate terms to a partner, they aren't 4 year olds. And while of course you try, you can't always do and be everything that "makes them comfortable" either.

What if he said, "I don't like fat chicks, so after giving birth to our child, if you don't lose the weight within 2 months, I'll be uncomfortable." Or..."I'm uncomfortable with you going out with your friends." Or "I'm uncomfortable with you getting off without me." Or "I'm uncomfortable with you reading/watching twilight/50 shades of grey...etc". I know, not the same as strip clubs...but it's more or a guy thing than a chick thing, so it's hard to make a direct comparison. But, the idea is still the same. Anything can be "uncomfortable", and if that's the definition of morally correct Ina relationship....well, my bf is in trouble, because I'm uncomfortable when he eats all my chocolate.

I'm not saying I would be thrilled if my bf went to a stripper against my wishes...but I would prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt...especially at his bachelor party.

So what can you do at this point? Call off the wedding?

 

You only have two options:

 

1.) Tell him you didn't like it, steam a little, then let it pass and then forget about it

2.) Call off the wedding that is taking place in what, 10 days? You will have to tell everyone why of course, and then go searching for another man to marry.

 

In his defense, I've been to stags before, there's a good chance he was basically peer pressured into it. And by the way, 95% of all strip clubs in NA are exactly how you described or worse so....I wouldn't bother digging for more information.

I'm a bit of this mindset too - I don't know, unfortunately, you don't have a lot of time here. you either have to

1) get over it

2) postpone the wedding while you work on some issues

3) break the engagement and the wedding

Personally (just speaking for me here), I would be more OK with a lap dance from a performer at a club than I would be if he and his ex decided to get dinner together one last time or if I found out they kissed or something. I know people have different boundaries for what is acceptable vs. not acceptable. You and your your guy need to sit down and have a long talk about boundaries and what is ok and not ok going forward (if you choose to go forward).

I'm a bit of this mindset too - I don't know, unfortunately, you don't have a lot of time here. you either have to

 

1) get over it

2) postpone the wedding while you work on some issues

3) break the engagement and the wedding

 

Personally (just speaking for me here), I would be more OK with a lap dance from a performer at a club than I would be if he and his ex decided to get dinner together one last time or if I found out they kissed or something. I know people have different boundaries for what is acceptable vs. not acceptable. You and your your guy need to sit down and have a long talk about boundaries and what is ok and not ok going forward (if you choose to go forward).

Yeah, it's weird. I view the lap dance completely different than I view kissing an ex. Kiss an ex, you're out! Get a lap dance? Not my favourite, but if it's not something that's done often...whatever, just don't tell me about it lol

Of course she is welcome to have whatever boundaries she wants. And this is where her boundaries have brought her.

I am just suggesting a larger grey area might help to get through this minor bump in the road. However, if she wants to hold it up as a dealbreaker then there seems to be no other option then to break up with him over this offense. I am just suggesting a more mild intereptation might give folks a little lattitude until long range perspective kicks in. He obviously "agreed" that lap dances were a no-go when in fact, he thought they were okay. He did it the first time, got in trouble and now has done it again. Even the OP feels that her friends or family will say this is making a mountain out of a molehill.

I would argue that they are not married yet for a reason. This guy needs to decide if this is the type of mindset he wants to deal with and this kind of absolute view on resolving problems. I mean, if you look at the story in context, doesn't seem like a minor infraction? Does she really want to be back in the dating pool with the story: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he received a lapdance without my permission. If it will sounds like an overaction when retold, it is an overreaction now.

The OP is handling this with the "rubbing goodies" scenario in her mind. Not all lap dances are equal. And some lap dances are just a dance.

Compromises are essential in relationship. To me personally, in an engagement or marriage unless the couple decides together that sexual contact with others is ok it should be a given that it is not ok - I would think not having sexual contact with other people is a given when two people are married or engaged to be married, only to be changed if both people agree to it. Once you say you are committed and exclusive -and engaged- you shouldn't have to discuss not having sexual contact with others -to me that would be a given. All other stuff -sure, compromise, talk, discuss, etc.

I can't relate to a modern bachelor party where the guy (or the gal in a bachelorette situation) has sexual contact with another person. I think it all started back when people waited till marriage and this was seen as the only time a guy could be sexual with someone else (also ridiculous to me but even more ridiculous now since most people do not wait till marriage -seems that the OP is not which is typical and understandable!). Why not have a guy's night out, or a day at a baseball game or other sporting event, or some other guy event that doesn't involve getting the groom drunk and having him hook up with another woman?

When my husband and I were engaged many years ago he was supposed to go to Vegas for a bachelor weekend. He is uncomfortable at strip clubs -had been a few times, never participated (before we met I think). One of his groomsmen was going to take him to a strip club and I was fine with it as long as he didn't participate (he didn't want to anyway) but was annoyed with his friend wanting to do this knowing my husband wouldn't feel comfortable. What does that have to do with celebrating the last days of bachelor-hood?

I don't know if being in a provocative situation is the same as having sexual contact.

 

You can't dictate terms to a partner, they aren't 4 year olds. And while of course you try, you can't always do and be everything that "makes them comfortable" either.

.

The problem is that a boundary is a boundary, not compromise territory. If I say to my husband, " I don't expect you to sleep with other women" he shouldn't then sleep with another woman and say, " Well, sorry, but I felt like it, and my buddies said it was okay, sooo..." And if I get upset, that makes me dictator? Really?

Also, there's a big difference between these minor issues you bring up, and a full blown naked person performing sexual acts on your partner. No matter how you want to blow it off as " fun, harmless" etc. That is what it is.

That is a perfectly reasonable thing to be uncomfortable with. If you REALLY love your spouse, you should make EVERY effort to respect their wishes where boundaries are concerned.

He could have still gone to his bachelor party, had fun with the guys, even gone to the strip club. But the minute he got the lap dance (whether or not he was goaded and he could have said no if he wanted to!)

He was saying, " My personal pleasure and comfort in this moment means more to me than my fiancé, her feelings, or how this might effect our relationship"

Make no mistake OP, that IS what this behavior says.