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Thread: "Your life is over when you have children".

  1. #1
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    "Your life is over when you have children".

    So, here's some cliff notes on the background of our relationship. I met a girl, dated her for 6 or 7 months, and she ended up pregnant with my first child. (Birth Control isn't 100%, btw) My son is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. His mother and I are still together and all is going reasonably well. I've made my first home purchase. Work is booming and I'm making great money, but somewhere along the line, something changed in her before my son was born. I was in a "bar band" (I talked with my bandmates today and gave my official notice that I am done playing).

    When we first met, ***** would accompany me to shows and bring her friends and have an all-around great time. She thought it was cool that I was musical and was so good at what I did. It was very attractive to her. When we settled down and got serious, that all changed. She suddenly hated the band and my bandmates. We practiced Sundays for four hours and played out once or twice a month. Then, at some point before she had our son, we scaled it back to every other Sunday for four hours and maybe one gig a month. It was the only hobby I had. I didn't go out drinking after work, I didn't golf, play cards, ride motorcycles, hide in the garage or a "man cave" all weekend, hunt, fish, anything.

    When my son was born, my band and I took a 3 month break to let me adjust to having a child and getting settled. After that, we still only practiced twice a month and played once a month on average. My bandmates knew what a fit she threw every time it was a Sunday I had to practice, so they tried to compromise. That didn't work. I tried to explain to her how much I enjoyed playing music and how good it made me feel inside. She didn't care. She said you have a son at home now and your life is over once you have children. If this keeps up, she was going to leave and my little boy was going with her. So after another long hiatus from playing, my bandmates finally contacted me and asked when I was picking up the rest of my gear since they haven't heard from me. They had two other drummers that were interested.

    Towards the end, playing was no longer fun. I spent more time looking at my watch and worrying if I was 5 minutes late getting home or how mad she would be. It wasn't fair to the other two in my band, so I quit. I was terrified of even bringing the topic up with her. I avoided contacting my bandmates. Today, when they contacted me, I talked to her first before giving my answer and got the same old speech out of her plus a new issue she had with the band. She said she may not have a problem if I started a new band, but I know this is all total bullsh*t.

    She didn't like the image our band portrayed (80s hair metal band, we dress up, talk like an 80s band, the whole nine). I tried to assure her this was just for fun, and it's not like were hanging with strippers and doing lines off of their t**s. It was just part of the show. It was an act. It was an escape from reality for me. I was a family man now, and that's not the image a father should portray. I played my set, packed my gear and came home. Some nights it was late as we had a lot of gear to pack up. There were no afterparties, no infidelity, no drugs, no fights. It was just an image. A look to match the music.

    So I gave it up. Now, I don't do anything besides work. I don't even bother making plans with friends because that as well causes a fight. I tell her that she is able to do as she pleases and I really don't mind if I'm alone for a Saturday night with the little man. Last Sunday, she went to pick up some items we purchased while shopping the day prior and forgot at the checkout station, she ended up being gone from 9am until 5pm because her sister was in town and they decided to make a day of it (which I wasn't informed of, but was no biggie). I ended up hanging out with my son and making dinner for her and her family. I didn't ask why she was gone so long, and where she was because she's a 30 year old woman and deserves a day off as well. I'm the exact opposite of her.

    All I wanted was one day total a month to do something for me, something I loved, something that was a release for me. I know that my life is different now and I love my son with all my heart. He is the most amazing thing I have ever created. I'm a good father. I'm a loving and fair partner. I'm a hard worker. From what I hear, she's dated some real winners. She should cherish the fact that she has me.


    I was perusing golf clubs one Sunday while shopping because I decided if I couldn't play music, I would rediscover my love for golf. It doesn't involve bars, other women being present, or late nights, but if I pull the trigger and buy clubs again and start playing once or twice a week, an issue will develop with golf as well.

    I hate to say it, if it wasn't for my son being here, and the mortgage and all the big purchases we had to make, I don't know if we'd still be together. I love her. I really do. I love watching her be a mom, but I feel neglected, and any time I try to bring the band up, she gets defensive and angry and thinks I am trying to guilt her.

    Is it unreasonable for me to want to continue the only hobby I had that involved me not being home? I told her that it was no biggie and I really didn't care, but the truth is I am bothered by quitting. I liked those guys and I had a lot of fun. It's not the end of the world, but I feel this is one step closer to being a prisoner in my own home, and I'm afraid to even voice my concerns because her first reaction is anger, so I just stuff it down and forget it.

    Well, this is my life now. Guess I have to play ball or face a life without waking up with my 7 month old in the next room.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member ballerinababe's Avatar
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    She is being unreasonable and selfish. However, I wonder if she is suffering from postpartum depression. Perhaps she is depressed and feels her life is over since having a child, and because her life is over, then yours should be too. I wonder if she would be amenable to seeing a doctor, or seeing a counselor who might refer her to a psychiatrist?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Moontiger's Avatar
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    Your life isn't over when you have kids. But it does change EVERY part of your life.

    Part of what your wife is expressing could involve her hormone levels changing and extreme lack of sleep (my sister when 6 months with her first kid only sleeping at 2 hour intervals, her personaility completely changed during that time).

    I think you and your wife need to work on communicating. You also need to discuss and compromise on what is an acceptable amount of time out of the house while your baby is so young. Does your wife work? If not, understand that she is home all day with nothing but a baby as company. You are more or less her only adult contact with the world. While you may enjoy spending a day with your son, if you spent day after day after day in a house with no adult to talk to, sleep deprived, and hormones all over the place, I'm sure you would also show signs of stress and frustration.

    Both of you need to try and see this situation from the other persons perspective. You may need couples therapy to work your way through it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    You continue to have a life and breathe whether you have children or not. You may have to scale back on pastimes, but it shouldn't have to be giving them up.

    Your band, your interests, and your friends are an extension of who you are. It is your identity. It is what makes you, you. Who's to say you can't have both? Seeing your friends for a couple hours two days a month shouldn't be an issue.

    Your girlfriend, or whoever she is (you're relationship status is vague here), has major insecurities about having this child. She is projecting those feelings onto you. She has no right in choosing your friends for you and needs to lay off.

    Sounds like it's time to start establishing boundaries with this woman. Start with counseling to work on communication skills. You should not be trapped in a loveless relationship: you deserve happiness.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    You're being a good dad. You're not neglecting anyone.....what is the issue??
    I think it's time to reassess this. Your gf liked you initially because she was impressed with your musical
    Talent and passion for music. Now she despises it? Im sorry...but having a child should not allow her to dictate what you should or should to be doing one or two days out of the month. This is not aout your child it's about control. I can assure you that your bandmates have lost a lot of respect for you for giving up music for her. Whats next?? You're already walking on eggshells about ow she will react if you take up golfing. Seriously?

    You can be a devoted and caring father ......without dealing with the other stuff. It just sounds like you're trying to do the right thing..but in the meantime you're denying your own happiness.
    I would seriously rethink this relationship. Jmo.

  7. #6
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    I have no kids myself but even still this is what I think - yes your life changes when you have a baby and yes you have to make sacrifices. Howeve, raising a baby is a TEAM effort and while both people need to care for the baby, both people also deserve time off and some time to themselves. One person watches the baby while the other goes out, and vice versa. It doesn't sound to me like what you asked for in terms of the band was much at all. You do sound like a great Dad in all other aspects. Your girlfriend has been very unreasonable. Do you think part of it may have something to do with feeling jealous and left out? Maybe she is afraid that while she's home with the baby you may be getting hit on by other women? Maybe having a baby has made her more possessive of you? I would say just start playing golf, she can't take THAT away from you too. If she has a problem with golf then obviously it's just you going out in general that's an issue, not just the band. And that is not fair. I know you love her and want to be there for the baby too but if things never change then you may need to rethink this relationship. Also yes she may be depressed, have you seen any signs of this?

  8. #7
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    Ring your band mates up , tell them you are not going to leave and tell her to get a grip of herself ..YOU are allowing her to control your life and your actions ....you have let her ..and now given up your only hobby ...yes I know easier said than done ...well it's not actually, but you just have to start as you mean to go on ...tell her ...be firm , but kind .. be strong , stand up for what life is ..a journey ..your journey and she is dictating what you do ....

  9. #8
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    It's sounds like a trapped relationship.

    That's not to say it can't/won't work but you have to start saying you "love" her and your family a LOT more than how many times you "loved" things from your past.
    Once you do that, she should begin to relax enough where you can start to have a conversation about golf.

    If she remains adamant; she may have come from an abusive background and now is an abuser herself.

    Let me ask; if you had the chance to do it all over, would you have picked her for a possible wife one day?

  10. #9
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    That really sucks! You are not becoming a prisoner in your own home, you already are a prisoner in your own home. It happened because you allowed it to happen. Suggest couples' therapy, also. You are full of resentment, and rightfully so. In view of this, she may get her way in keeping you home, but it will not make for a happy relationship. Get to a counselor right away...it really is your only hope. chi

  11. #10
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    I do think that having children can mean sacrificing something like a band if the family has to move further away from where practices are, or because the parents have to work more, etc but I agree it shouldn't be this "you can't ever..." situation. Having said that you will find that many of your hobbies/socializing become more stressful to plan or to stay at because of childcare responsibilities. Like you sometimes I wonder if the socializing is worth the stress especially if the friend is late, etc. and I already have such limited time. Luckily because I had my child older the feeling of sacrifice was minimal and my life began an amazing chapter - like I won the lottery.

    1 or 2 days a month should be no big deal but you might have to be flexible as to time. For awhile I asked my husband not to be home overly late when he went out because of the risk of waking up the baby (at the time) and because at that time I was suffering from insomnia and if he was late coming home that increased my anxiety. He didn't love that restriction but since I told him I was fine with him going out a few times a week (as much as he said he wanted) during the time we were in our hometown I thought that was fair. Point is it needs to be a give and take where you compromise on certain things and you each give each other a day or two off a month. Also look into hiring a sitter for one or two of those days if you can (or a family member) at least for part of the time.

    Hope this was helpful.

    And try to differentiate between what's really needed as far as sacrifice and when either of you are being unreasonable or in her case controlling (i.e. do you think she would be this controlling whether or not you had a child?)

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