"Your life is over when you have children".

So, here's some cliff notes on the background of our relationship. I met a girl, dated her for 6 or 7 months, and she ended up pregnant with my first child. (Birth Control isn't 100%, btw) My son is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. His mother and I are still together and all is going reasonably well. I've made my first home purchase. Work is booming and I'm making great money, but somewhere along the line, something changed in her before my son was born. I was in a "bar band" (I talked with my bandmates today and gave my official notice that I am done playing).

When we first met, ***** would accompany me to shows and bring her friends and have an all-around great time. She thought it was cool that I was musical and was so good at what I did. It was very attractive to her. When we settled down and got serious, that all changed. She suddenly hated the band and my bandmates. We practiced Sundays for four hours and played out once or twice a month. Then, at some point before she had our son, we scaled it back to every other Sunday for four hours and maybe one gig a month. It was the only hobby I had. I didn't go out drinking after work, I didn't golf, play cards, ride motorcycles, hide in the garage or a "man cave" all weekend, hunt, fish, anything.

When my son was born, my band and I took a 3 month break to let me adjust to having a child and getting settled. After that, we still only practiced twice a month and played once a month on average. My bandmates knew what a fit she threw every time it was a Sunday I had to practice, so they tried to compromise. That didn't work. I tried to explain to her how much I enjoyed playing music and how good it made me feel inside. She didn't care. She said you have a son at home now and your life is over once you have children. If this keeps up, she was going to leave and my little boy was going with her. So after another long hiatus from playing, my bandmates finally contacted me and asked when I was picking up the rest of my gear since they haven't heard from me. They had two other drummers that were interested.

Towards the end, playing was no longer fun. I spent more time looking at my watch and worrying if I was 5 minutes late getting home or how mad she would be. It wasn't fair to the other two in my band, so I quit. I was terrified of even bringing the topic up with her. I avoided contacting my bandmates. Today, when they contacted me, I talked to her first before giving my answer and got the same old speech out of her plus a new issue she had with the band. She said she may not have a problem if I started a new band, but I know this is all total bullsh*t.

She didn't like the image our band portrayed (80s hair metal band, we dress up, talk like an 80s band, the whole nine). I tried to assure her this was just for fun, and it's not like were hanging with strippers and doing lines off of their t**s. It was just part of the show. It was an act. It was an escape from reality for me. I was a family man now, and that's not the image a father should portray. I played my set, packed my gear and came home. Some nights it was late as we had a lot of gear to pack up. There were no afterparties, no infidelity, no drugs, no fights. It was just an image. A look to match the music.

So I gave it up. Now, I don't do anything besides work. I don't even bother making plans with friends because that as well causes a fight. I tell her that she is able to do as she pleases and I really don't mind if I'm alone for a Saturday night with the little man. Last Sunday, she went to pick up some items we purchased while shopping the day prior and forgot at the checkout station, she ended up being gone from 9am until 5pm because her sister was in town and they decided to make a day of it (which I wasn't informed of, but was no biggie). I ended up hanging out with my son and making dinner for her and her family. I didn't ask why she was gone so long, and where she was because she's a 30 year old woman and deserves a day off as well. I'm the exact opposite of her.

All I wanted was one day total a month to do something for me, something I loved, something that was a release for me. I know that my life is different now and I love my son with all my heart. He is the most amazing thing I have ever created. I'm a good father. I'm a loving and fair partner. I'm a hard worker. From what I hear, she's dated some real winners. She should cherish the fact that she has me.

I was perusing golf clubs one Sunday while shopping because I decided if I couldn't play music, I would rediscover my love for golf. It doesn't involve bars, other women being present, or late nights, but if I pull the trigger and buy clubs again and start playing once or twice a week, an issue will develop with golf as well.

I hate to say it, if it wasn't for my son being here, and the mortgage and all the big purchases we had to make, I don't know if we'd still be together. I love her. I really do. I love watching her be a mom, but I feel neglected, and any time I try to bring the band up, she gets defensive and angry and thinks I am trying to guilt her.

Is it unreasonable for me to want to continue the only hobby I had that involved me not being home? I told her that it was no biggie and I really didn't care, but the truth is I am bothered by quitting. I liked those guys and I had a lot of fun. It's not the end of the world, but I feel this is one step closer to being a prisoner in my own home, and I'm afraid to even voice my concerns because her first reaction is anger, so I just stuff it down and forget it.

Well, this is my life now. Guess I have to play ball or face a life without waking up with my 7 month old in the next room.

She is being unreasonable and selfish. However, I wonder if she is suffering from postpartum depression. Perhaps she is depressed and feels her life is over since having a child, and because her life is over, then yours should be too. I wonder if she would be amenable to seeing a doctor, or seeing a counselor who might refer her to a psychiatrist?

Your life isn't over when you have kids. But it does change EVERY part of your life.

Part of what your wife is expressing could involve her hormone levels changing and extreme lack of sleep (my sister when 6 months with her first kid only sleeping at 2 hour intervals, her personaility completely changed during that time).

I think you and your wife need to work on communicating. You also need to discuss and compromise on what is an acceptable amount of time out of the house while your baby is so young. Does your wife work? If not, understand that she is home all day with nothing but a baby as company. You are more or less her only adult contact with the world. While you may enjoy spending a day with your son, if you spent day after day after day in a house with no adult to talk to, sleep deprived, and hormones all over the place, I'm sure you would also show signs of stress and frustration.

Both of you need to try and see this situation from the other persons perspective. You may need couples therapy to work your way through it.

You continue to have a life and breathe whether you have children or not. You may have to scale back on pastimes, but it shouldn't have to be giving them up.

Your band, your interests, and your friends are an extension of who you are. It is your identity. It is what makes you, you. Who's to say you can't have both? Seeing your friends for a couple hours two days a month shouldn't be an issue.

Your girlfriend, or whoever she is (you're relationship status is vague here), has major insecurities about having this child. She is projecting those feelings onto you. She has no right in choosing your friends for you and needs to lay off.

Sounds like it's time to start establishing boundaries with this woman. Start with counseling to work on communication skills. You should not be trapped in a loveless relationship: you deserve happiness.

You're being a good dad. You're not neglecting anyone.....what is the issue??

I think it's time to reassess this. Your gf liked you initially because she was impressed with your musical

Talent and passion for music. Now she despises it? Im sorry...but having a child should not allow her to dictate what you should or should to be doing one or two days out of the month. This is not aout your child it's about control. I can assure you that your bandmates have lost a lot of respect for you for giving up music for her. Whats next?? You're already walking on eggshells about ow she will react if you take up golfing. Seriously?

You can be a devoted and caring father ......without dealing with the other stuff. It just sounds like you're trying to do the right thing..but in the meantime you're denying your own happiness.

I would seriously rethink this relationship. Jmo.

I have no kids myself but even still this is what I think - yes your life changes when you have a baby and yes you have to make sacrifices. Howeve, raising a baby is a TEAM effort and while both people need to care for the baby, both people also deserve time off and some time to themselves. One person watches the baby while the other goes out, and vice versa. It doesn't sound to me like what you asked for in terms of the band was much at all. You do sound like a great Dad in all other aspects. Your girlfriend has been very unreasonable. Do you think part of it may have something to do with feeling jealous and left out? Maybe she is afraid that while she's home with the baby you may be getting hit on by other women? Maybe having a baby has made her more possessive of you? I would say just start playing golf, she can't take THAT away from you too. If she has a problem with golf then obviously it's just you going out in general that's an issue, not just the band. And that is not fair. I know you love her and want to be there for the baby too but if things never change then you may need to rethink this relationship. Also yes she may be depressed, have you seen any signs of this?

Ring your band mates up , tell them you are not going to leave and tell her to get a grip of herself ..YOU are allowing her to control your life and your actions ....you have let her ..and now given up your only hobby ...yes I know easier said than done ...well it's not actually, but you just have to start as you mean to go on ...tell her ...be firm , but kind .. be strong , stand up for what life is ..a journey ..your journey and she is dictating what you do ....

It's sounds like a trapped relationship.

That's not to say it can't/won't work but you have to start saying you "love" her and your family a LOT more than how many times you "loved" things from your past.

Once you do that, she should begin to relax enough where you can start to have a conversation about golf.

If she remains adamant; she may have come from an abusive background and now is an abuser herself.

Let me ask; if you had the chance to do it all over, would you have picked her for a possible wife one day?

That really sucks! You are not becoming a prisoner in your own home, you already are a prisoner in your own home. It happened because you allowed it to happen. Suggest couples' therapy, also. You are full of resentment, and rightfully so. In view of this, she may get her way in keeping you home, but it will not make for a happy relationship. Get to a counselor right away...it really is your only hope. chi

I do think that having children can mean sacrificing something like a band if the family has to move further away from where practices are, or because the parents have to work more, etc but I agree it shouldn't be this "you can't ever..." situation. Having said that you will find that many of your hobbies/socializing become more stressful to plan or to stay at because of childcare responsibilities. Like you sometimes I wonder if the socializing is worth the stress especially if the friend is late, etc. and I already have such limited time. Luckily because I had my child older the feeling of sacrifice was minimal and my life began an amazing chapter - like I won the lottery.

1 or 2 days a month should be no big deal but you might have to be flexible as to time. For awhile I asked my husband not to be home overly late when he went out because of the risk of waking up the baby (at the time) and because at that time I was suffering from insomnia and if he was late coming home that increased my anxiety. He didn't love that restriction but since I told him I was fine with him going out a few times a week (as much as he said he wanted) during the time we were in our hometown I thought that was fair. Point is it needs to be a give and take where you compromise on certain things and you each give each other a day or two off a month. Also look into hiring a sitter for one or two of those days if you can (or a family member) at least for part of the time.

Hope this was helpful.

And try to differentiate between what's really needed as far as sacrifice and when either of you are being unreasonable or in her case controlling (i.e. do you think she would be this controlling whether or not you had a child?)

She is extremely controlling. It is ridiculous to say you can't have one evening a month to play music if you really enjoy it and there are no other 'vices' involved like drugs, cheating etc.

I think you are going to have to decide whether you can live in a situation where your GF calls all the shots and doesn't really care whether you are happy or not.

You could try counseling since a counselor would tell her that you are entitled to some private time and hobbies of your own regardless of having a child or not.

I personally wouldn't put up with it. I'd consult an attorney to discuss what you might expect in terms of what child support you'd pay, and whether you'd have a good chance of getting joint custody. Regardless of what was decided, you'd get visitation and would still be in your son's life. Better a happy father than having him raised watching a miserable father while his mother walk all over you.

This is so sad to read... She is being selfish, I don't know if it's the post pregnancy hormones that are making her act this way, or this is how she was even before, but she hid it better while she was trying to secure you as her partner - but one thing is for sure: life doesn't end when you have a child! That's a preposterous things for her to say.

She may have become insecure, maybe she feels her body is not as attractive post-baby, maybe she feels tied down now, and fears that you would go on meeting attractive women on your gigs and leave her eventually...but keeping you prisoner in your own home and relationship may very well back fire at some point in the future.

You should be free to pursue your hobby, which she knew you had from day one. Yes, it is known that some women go nuts for musicians, just because they are in a band. She liked that too in the beginning, didn't she? But once she crossed on the other side, when you two became an item, the appeal died, because she doesn't want the same thing to happen between you and some other woman.

I'm not sure what you can do at this point, the only way you could have fought this was by not giving in from the beginning, and kept at least those 2 gigs a month. Once you start giving in, it's hard to stop. You can sit her down and have a mature conversation about how you miss your hobby and tell her exactly what you said here, but I don't expect you to have much success with this. She may threaten to leave and take your son, and she may do it too. Are you ready to be a dad from afar, and to pay child support?

So, here's an update. This morning she went through my phone and saw the text messages between me and one of my bandmates that said I wish she would just leave me and if I would've known then what I know now....said in the context that I should've put my foot down a long time ago. So, she got angry and said if this is how you really feel then I'll just leave and my son is coming with me. You can play in your stupid band if you want but you know where I will go and who is coming with me, so Greta you are exactly right on how you said she would react which is exactly what I expected as well. She's threatened this before.

I'm not ready to be a dad from afar and pay child support. Why is it that she's just allowed to take him if she wishes? Why do mom's get the free pass in that situation? She says I never want to do anything with them which is totally untrue and I called her out on that as well. I said to her that I am afraid to ask to go do anything that doesn't involve her because her first reaction is anger. I was then told to go do whatever I want and she doesn't care.

Even if she does leave and takes him and even if I do end up as a part-time parent, I don't think it ends there. Regardless of whether we grow old and die together or we separate, I'm forever linked to her...and this is totally hypothetical, but what if we split and I end up dating someone and she either doesn't like the fact that I found someone else or doesn't like who I am dating, I can see her using my son as leverage to still get her way "I don't want my son around so and so."

I try to talk to her about things, but she either gets angry, or just says "I don't want to talk to you". I just got an email that said the electric bill was paid this morning, so I know she's not up and leaving if she's still paying bills. haha.

This all started before she was even pregnant with my son. Once she knew she had me, it was like a switch was flipped.

We work opposite shifts, so while she leaves in the morning, I'm alone all morning and afternoon taking care of the little one and cleaning up the house, etc. Then, I'm gone for work before she gets home and when I get home, she's in bed. I understand we don't get a lot of time together, but I try to spend all of my free time with her and my son. She says I never want to do anything with them which is untrue. We do day trips and are going to a ballgame next Sunday and a few weekends ago wanted to go to a local wildlife zoo, but it wasn't peak season so it was closed during the week.

I've spoke with her about getting a job where we would be on the same schedule, but she brings up the cost of childcare, which is very true...so I'm trying to stick out evening shift until he's in school daily in five years or so.

I have no idea what I would pay in child support, but with a mortgage, bills, a car payment, and paying on large purchases we made, well in my name on my credit, so they are mine, I would be screwed. I would be the typical father who ends up selling his home, trading in his vehicle, and living in a one bedroom apartment all while she still gets her pay and a good chunk of mine as well. She's said before that if something would happen between us that she doesn't want my money, but I don't know how much I believe that.

So.....stand your ground. I will tells you this.....she won't respect you if you just let her walk on you. If she had this attitude before she got pregnant, then she will most definetely use your child as leverage in the future. So get your ducks in a row.

It's not fair that you have to walk on eggshells for fear that she may 'take your child from you'. That is NOT love...or a healthy relationship. Like someone else said...this sounds like a 'trapped' relationship.

Well first of all, she wouldn't just get full custody of your son, you can legally fight her for custody and seeing as you've been nothing but a good Dad, I guarantee you would get at least a decent amount of custody. I completely understand where you're coming from with the financial stuff but is having a son and tied finances really a reason to be miserable for the rest of your life? Also she got pregnant very early in yoir relationship so you were trapped, in a sens. But you still do have a choice and you deserve to be happy and find someone who suits you better.

'..She didn't like the image our band portrayed (80s hair metal band, we dress up, talk like an 80s band, the whole nine).'

DEATH TO ALL BUT METAL DUDE!!!!!

I've been into metal/glam/alternative/goth since I was a kid and I'm now 44. 80-s hair-metal look is my fetish! Adore it , always have and always will. I'm in London, UK and we're spoiled for metal gigs here. Saw Europe in Shepperds Bush a few weeks ago, two nights in a row - lost count how many times I've seen them since they've reunited, met them all last year in Bristol. LOVE the band beyond belief. Steel Panther - again! - in Wembley, in March. Incredible gig. I could go on, and on, and on... You and I could spend hours talking...dude!!

I don't have children.. Yet still, what your gf is doing is completely unreasonable. She knew you were in a band when you got together and she knew how much it meant to you. She has absolutely no right whatsoever to stop you from having a great hobby that only took a few hours a month at most. You don't exactly 'wake up in the afternoon'...'drink some beer and watch cartoons'... 'cause you ain't got a stupid job', to quote Panther You sound like a decent, responsible and hardworking bloke who just happens to love music. She's trying to make you into someone that you aren't. I don't and never will get women like her.

I don't really have advise as I don't have children.. I'd tell you to drop her like a hot potato YESTERDAY if not for your baby. I wish you all the best... DUDE!!

So.....stand your ground. I will tells you this.....she won't respect you if you just let her walk on you. If she had this attitude before she got pregnant, then she will most definetely use your child as leverage in the future. So get your ducks in a row.

It's not fair that you have to walk on eggshells for fear that she may 'take your child from you'. That is NOT love...or a healthy relationship. Like someone else said...this sounds like a 'trapped' relationship.

So.....stand your ground. I will tells you this.....she won't respect you if you just let her walk on you. If she had this attitude before she got pregnant, then she will most definetely use your child as leverage in the future. So get your ducks in a row.

I am a very dominant person and am this way as well. I can confirm that I have this similar mindset if boundaries are not made clear. If my man lets me walk all over him, I will take it as a sign of weakness. This is why establishing boundaries are critical in every relationship; not just with people outside of your relationship, but also within. You should never be afraid to do so.

Well first of all, she wouldn't just get full custody of your son, you can legally fight her for custody and seeing as you've been nothing but a good Dad, I guarantee you would get at least a decent amount of custody.

I wished this was true. Unfortunately it varies upon state as to who gets full custody. My state is highly liberal and because of it, women typically come out as the victors in child custody battles. My aunt won full custody of her children when she has an emotional behavioral disorder on top of alcoholism (and my cousins waited until they were 18 to leave). Same deal happened to a family friend of mine who got a divorce and was getting screwed over by an abusive wife- she took full custody and the kids waited until they were 18 to do the same thing.

I have a brother in-law filing for divorce and is fighting for custody of one of his children right now in the South (the other is not his biological child... go figure since the ex-wife can't keep her pants on). It's highly expected his cheating, deceitful wife will get full custody rights.

She knew what she was getting into when she met you. Any hobbies should not be expected to be thrown at the wayside that you had before. Now, they shouldn't be obsessions, you DO need to divide your life more than you did then, but they shouldn't be expected to disappear.

Stand your ground.

Call your bandmates, tell them you aren't quitting, and tell her that you are allowed to have a hobby - something to yourself. Having a child does NOT mean you don't get ANY time to yourself. What you are asking for is not unreasonable. You aren't Motley Crue going on tour for months on end.

She knows that by throwing a fit or reacting in anger you are less likely to stand up for yourself. You sound like the type of guy who tries to avoid conflict. Not healthy though when it means bottling up your problems because you don't want to anger her.

She might leave you. But if she does, depending on where you live, she doesn't necessarily "automatically" get full custody. Don't let her use that as a threat. You have a job, and it sounds like a healthy out look. You could fight for custody and you might win. Where I live, you would have a good shot anyway. Either way, I know being a part time job is not what you want, but do you really want to go through the rest of your life having no passions of your own? Being told how you can spend your free time?

She sounds very controlling (going through your phone?) Is that the kind of relationship you want to be in forever? Yes you are forever linked to her, but you don't have to be WITH her and if she isn't the right one for you then you could be losing out on a person who is - a person who will support your hobbies because they are important to you.

My husband plays soccer twice a week. When it looked as if we were going to have a baby he said he would stop playing. I told him not to. Twice a week is not a big deal and it's his only hobby. You need something for you.

So.....stand your ground. I will tells you this.....she won't respect you if you just let her walk on you. If she had this attitude before she got pregnant, then she will most definetely use your child as leverage in the future. So get your ducks in a row.

 

It's not fair that you have to walk on eggshells for fear that she may 'take your child from you'. That is NOT love...or a healthy relationship. Like someone else said...this sounds like a 'trapped' relationship.

I am with ja here ..blackmail ....you do as you are told or you don;t see your baby ...the lowest of the low ... she has got your by your bollox because you have a kid together ... YOU HAVE TO STAND YOUR GROUND ..... if you now do as she says you are a doormat who she is controlling ...is this love ???? ermmmm no ... you have to call her bluff and not tolerate this crap ... she is threatnening you , so let her carry it out ...let her leave ..if she can walk away like this than your relationship is doomed anyway ... get a lawyer ... get things in motion and you might have to actually accept that this is going to be split parenting ..you are already pondering over her actions if you got a new woman ....YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE CONTROL NOW ......I cannot stress this enough mate cos I have been there so many times ...

heed my warning ..you let her take control of you now over this then you are setting yourself up for a life of controlled abusive misery .

Lawyer. Lawyer. LAWYER!!!!! They will be able to guide you on this. Do not let her know you are doing this.

Hi there

From what you've said you obviously sound caring and concerned about your son and I am assuming she shouldn't have any problems in that perspective. And No, life doesn't get over when you have children. It just changes to a new aspect of life, something different, something good, (which I am sure you must have experienced with your son). And one needs to change according to that. And I am not saying you should give up your hobbies, your personality and become something entirely new and different but just adjust to the new situation. From what I read, I understand that you love them both and want to make it work.

I would suggest you remember the reason you fell in love with her for. And make her remember! (I really can't say much from her side cause I don't know her) I don't know why she's doing acting out like this, but women mostly want to see a person more responsible and caring when they have a family. You obviously sound responsible why don't you make her see that you are. Try talking to her and see what's bothering her. Take her and your son out for a family meal or something (just the three of you.) Spend some time with the two of them and see where it goes from there.

As far as your hobby is concerned try asking her sometimes later (after a 10-15 days or so) why doesn't she like it. You don't need to change for a person at least not completely, because when a person loves someone they love all aspects of them.

Hope everything goes well!

Now it seems like she's setting you up to try to remove you from the child's life (while getting child support). Don't let that happen or give her any ammunition if she gets a lawyer.

I third on it being time to lawyer up.