Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 42

Thread: "Your life is over when you have children".

  1. #11
    Platinum Member chickadeedee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    1,150
    She is extremely controlling. It is ridiculous to say you can't have one evening a month to play music if you really enjoy it and there are no other 'vices' involved like drugs, cheating etc.

    I think you are going to have to decide whether you can live in a situation where your GF calls all the shots and doesn't really care whether you are happy or not.

    You could try counseling since a counselor would tell her that you are entitled to some private time and hobbies of your own regardless of having a child or not.

    I personally wouldn't put up with it. I'd consult an attorney to discuss what you might expect in terms of what child support you'd pay, and whether you'd have a good chance of getting joint custody. Regardless of what was decided, you'd get visitation and would still be in your son's life. Better a happy father than having him raised watching a miserable father while his mother walk all over you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member greta96's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    USA
    Age
    42
    Posts
    4,975
    Gender
    Female
    This is so sad to read... She is being selfish, I don't know if it's the post pregnancy hormones that are making her act this way, or this is how she was even before, but she hid it better while she was trying to secure you as her partner - but one thing is for sure: life doesn't end when you have a child! That's a preposterous things for her to say.
    She may have become insecure, maybe she feels her body is not as attractive post-baby, maybe she feels tied down now, and fears that you would go on meeting attractive women on your gigs and leave her eventually...but keeping you prisoner in your own home and relationship may very well back fire at some point in the future.
    You should be free to pursue your hobby, which she knew you had from day one. Yes, it is known that some women go nuts for musicians, just because they are in a band. She liked that too in the beginning, didn't she? But once she crossed on the other side, when you two became an item, the appeal died, because she doesn't want the same thing to happen between you and some other woman.

    I'm not sure what you can do at this point, the only way you could have fought this was by not giving in from the beginning, and kept at least those 2 gigs a month. Once you start giving in, it's hard to stop. You can sit her down and have a mature conversation about how you miss your hobby and tell her exactly what you said here, but I don't expect you to have much success with this. She may threaten to leave and take your son, and she may do it too. Are you ready to be a dad from afar, and to pay child support?

  3. #13
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Age
    37
    Posts
    432
    Gender
    Male
    So, here's an update. This morning she went through my phone and saw the text messages between me and one of my bandmates that said I wish she would just leave me and if I would've known then what I know now....said in the context that I should've put my foot down a long time ago. So, she got angry and said if this is how you really feel then I'll just leave and my son is coming with me. You can play in your stupid band if you want but you know where I will go and who is coming with me, so Greta you are exactly right on how you said she would react which is exactly what I expected as well. She's threatened this before.

    I'm not ready to be a dad from afar and pay child support. Why is it that she's just allowed to take him if she wishes? Why do mom's get the free pass in that situation? She says I never want to do anything with them which is totally untrue and I called her out on that as well. I said to her that I am afraid to ask to go do anything that doesn't involve her because her first reaction is anger. I was then told to go do whatever I want and she doesn't care.

    Even if she does leave and takes him and even if I do end up as a part-time parent, I don't think it ends there. Regardless of whether we grow old and die together or we separate, I'm forever linked to her...and this is totally hypothetical, but what if we split and I end up dating someone and she either doesn't like the fact that I found someone else or doesn't like who I am dating, I can see her using my son as leverage to still get her way "I don't want my son around so and so."

    I try to talk to her about things, but she either gets angry, or just says "I don't want to talk to you". I just got an email that said the electric bill was paid this morning, so I know she's not up and leaving if she's still paying bills. haha.

    This all started before she was even pregnant with my son. Once she knew she had me, it was like a switch was flipped.

    We work opposite shifts, so while she leaves in the morning, I'm alone all morning and afternoon taking care of the little one and cleaning up the house, etc. Then, I'm gone for work before she gets home and when I get home, she's in bed. I understand we don't get a lot of time together, but I try to spend all of my free time with her and my son. She says I never want to do anything with them which is untrue. We do day trips and are going to a ballgame next Sunday and a few weekends ago wanted to go to a local wildlife zoo, but it wasn't peak season so it was closed during the week.

    I've spoke with her about getting a job where we would be on the same schedule, but she brings up the cost of childcare, which is very true...so I'm trying to stick out evening shift until he's in school daily in five years or so.

    I have no idea what I would pay in child support, but with a mortgage, bills, a car payment, and paying on large purchases we made, well in my name on my credit, so they are mine, I would be screwed. I would be the typical father who ends up selling his home, trading in his vehicle, and living in a one bedroom apartment all while she still gets her pay and a good chunk of mine as well. She's said before that if something would happen between us that she doesn't want my money, but I don't know how much I believe that.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    3,780
    Gender
    Female
    So.....stand your ground. I will tells you this.....she won't respect you if you just let her walk on you. If she had this attitude before she got pregnant, then she will most definetely use your child as leverage in the future. So get your ducks in a row.

    It's not fair that you have to walk on eggshells for fear that she may 'take your child from you'. That is NOT love...or a healthy relationship. Like someone else said...this sounds like a 'trapped' relationship.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,662
    Gender
    Female
    Well first of all, she wouldn't just get full custody of your son, you can legally fight her for custody and seeing as you've been nothing but a good Dad, I guarantee you would get at least a decent amount of custody. I completely understand where you're coming from with the financial stuff but is having a son and tied finances really a reason to be miserable for the rest of your life? Also she got pregnant very early in yoir relationship so you were trapped, in a sens. But you still do have a choice and you deserve to be happy and find someone who suits you better.

  7. #16
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    London UK
    Posts
    118
    Gender
    Female
    '..She didn't like the image our band portrayed (80s hair metal band, we dress up, talk like an 80s band, the whole nine).'

    DEATH TO ALL BUT METAL DUDE!!!!!

    I've been into metal/glam/alternative/goth since I was a kid and I'm now 44. 80-s hair-metal look is my fetish! Adore it , always have and always will. I'm in London, UK and we're spoiled for metal gigs here. Saw Europe in Shepperds Bush a few weeks ago, two nights in a row - lost count how many times I've seen them since they've reunited, met them all last year in Bristol. LOVE the band beyond belief. Steel Panther - again! - in Wembley, in March. Incredible gig. I could go on, and on, and on... You and I could spend hours talking...dude!!

    I don't have children.. Yet still, what your gf is doing is completely unreasonable. She knew you were in a band when you got together and she knew how much it meant to you. She has absolutely no right whatsoever to stop you from having a great hobby that only took a few hours a month at most. You don't exactly 'wake up in the afternoon'...'drink some beer and watch cartoons'... 'cause you ain't got a stupid job', to quote Panther You sound like a decent, responsible and hardworking bloke who just happens to love music. She's trying to make you into someone that you aren't. I don't and never will get women like her.

    I don't really have advise as I don't have children.. I'd tell you to drop her like a hot potato YESTERDAY if not for your baby. I wish you all the best... DUDE!!
    Last edited by Ronniesgirl; 05-01-2015 at 11:23 AM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    3,780
    Gender
    Female
    So.....stand your ground. I will tells you this.....she won't respect you if you just let her walk on you. If she had this attitude before she got pregnant, then she will most definetely use your child as leverage in the future. So get your ducks in a row.

    It's not fair that you have to walk on eggshells for fear that she may 'take your child from you'. That is NOT love...or a healthy relationship. Like someone else said...this sounds like a 'trapped' relationship.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    6,384
    So.....stand your ground. I will tells you this.....she won't respect you if you just let her walk on you. If she had this attitude before she got pregnant, then she will most definetely use your child as leverage in the future. So get your ducks in a row.
    I am a very dominant person and am this way as well. I can confirm that I have this similar mindset if boundaries are not made clear. If my man lets me walk all over him, I will take it as a sign of weakness. This is why establishing boundaries are critical in every relationship; not just with people outside of your relationship, but also within. You should never be afraid to do so.

    Well first of all, she wouldn't just get full custody of your son, you can legally fight her for custody and seeing as you've been nothing but a good Dad, I guarantee you would get at least a decent amount of custody.
    I wished this was true. Unfortunately it varies upon state as to who gets full custody. My state is highly liberal and because of it, women typically come out as the victors in child custody battles. My aunt won full custody of her children when she has an emotional behavioral disorder on top of alcoholism (and my cousins waited until they were 18 to leave). Same deal happened to a family friend of mine who got a divorce and was getting screwed over by an abusive wife- she took full custody and the kids waited until they were 18 to do the same thing.

    I have a brother in-law filing for divorce and is fighting for custody of one of his children right now in the South (the other is not his biological child... go figure since the ex-wife can't keep her pants on). It's highly expected his cheating, deceitful wife will get full custody rights.
    Last edited by Snny; 05-01-2015 at 12:11 PM.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    U.S.A.
    Posts
    3,367
    Gender
    Male
    She knew what she was getting into when she met you. Any hobbies should not be expected to be thrown at the wayside that you had before. Now, they shouldn't be obsessions, you DO need to divide your life more than you did then, but they shouldn't be expected to disappear.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    2,410
    Gender
    Female
    Stand your ground.

    Call your bandmates, tell them you aren't quitting, and tell her that you are allowed to have a hobby - something to yourself. Having a child does NOT mean you don't get ANY time to yourself. What you are asking for is not unreasonable. You aren't Motley Crue going on tour for months on end.

    She knows that by throwing a fit or reacting in anger you are less likely to stand up for yourself. You sound like the type of guy who tries to avoid conflict. Not healthy though when it means bottling up your problems because you don't want to anger her.

    She might leave you. But if she does, depending on where you live, she doesn't necessarily "automatically" get full custody. Don't let her use that as a threat. You have a job, and it sounds like a healthy out look. You could fight for custody and you might win. Where I live, you would have a good shot anyway. Either way, I know being a part time job is not what you want, but do you really want to go through the rest of your life having no passions of your own? Being told how you can spend your free time?

    She sounds very controlling (going through your phone?) Is that the kind of relationship you want to be in forever? Yes you are forever linked to her, but you don't have to be WITH her and if she isn't the right one for you then you could be losing out on a person who is - a person who will support your hobbies because they are important to you.

    My husband plays soccer twice a week. When it looked as if we were going to have a baby he said he would stop playing. I told him not to. Twice a week is not a big deal and it's his only hobby. You need something for you.

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •