(ex)boyfriend calling prostitutes and paying for cam shows

Hi there! I have been reading this forum for a while now and it has been my source of advice and opinions on what I'm going through... I am very confused about what has happened with my now ex-boyfriend and would like to have any opinions. I will try to be as unbiased in my account as possible since I know I haven't been the best girlfriend on earth... so here it goes

Six months ago I discovered that my 6yr boyfriend had paid for shows with girls via Skype. When I found out I was devastated. He had spent over 50$ on these shows in two days. I felt hurt and betrayed and I know he was interacting and asking them to do things for him. Some years ago I went to study abroad for some months and we used to have 'skype' sex and I know he asked them to do the same exact things he used to ask me to do or things that he would like to do to me. Nevertheless, he said he had been curious and was afraid to tell me about some fetishes and that he had only done it for a couple of days. I believed him and told him that although I didn't think it was OK, I could forgive him if he promised to be 100% honest with me. I also told him that I even was excited to find out about his fetish and that I would love to take this opportunity to get to know each other better and experiment.

We did for a while and it was great but then I found out he had been doing this for over a year. I was very angry this time because I had believed all of what he had previously said, even if I had some suspicions. Again we talked and he said he lied because he was afraid to lose me, so I calmed down and tried to convince myself that it was not such a big deal but I would get over it. I must say I found out through snooping and I had seen that he had visited some 'massage' parlor website. I asked him whether he was also into that and he told me that he had just browsed the website over curiosity. I still trusted him so I thought this was it and we could finally move on.

However, the thing with the massage parlor kept me doubting so I succumbed to an urge that had been hunting me since I found out about the cam girls. I snooped into his phone bills and found out that he had been calling escorts to ask about services and prices. The calls were 1-2 min long, except for one which was 8 min long. Again I confronted him, this time I went crazy. I started screaming and insulting him, something which had never happened in 6yrs. Looking at the bills, I found out that he called five minutes after I had left home and had just had sex. My grandma died last year and while I was at the funeral he was doing this at home. He swears he loves me and has begged me to stay. He is unable to provide an explanation for his behavior. He cries all the time and says he hates himself for being such a coward and he is disgusted at himself. I know he loves me very much and I love him as well but I decided to break things off for the time being as it was getting to a dangerous point were I was losing my grip. For the time being, I don't know if I should believe him when he says he just made calls and used them as porn and never went through with it.

Besides this, my boyfriend has always been extremely caring, attentive and supportive. He has been there for me at all times and he is the sweetest person I have ever known. I, on the other hand, haven't been so attentive and have at times been too critical and make him feel bad about himself. I have always felt awful and have never meant to hurt him, but now I feel I have driven him to do this. Is the relationship ruined or is there some possibility of making it work again?

I apologize if my post is too messy. Please let me know if you need more info or details.

Thanks!

You are not responsible for his behavior. Period.

Unless you can completely forgive him and trust him the relationship is ruined. Even if you forgive him can you trust him again?

Why he does it, isn't important. He's committed a serious breach of trust. It cannot be rationalized away.

I think you need to face the facts. You don't call someone and ask for the prices of sexual services and never partake of the goods. That's not porn, no one in their right minds is going to use that as porn. It's like walking into a restaurant, asking to see the menu, looking at prices, then going out and swearing up and down you didn't cheat on your diet. Not.going.to.happen.

What you have is a chronic cheater who turns on the water works to keep you off balance and doubting yourself instead of nailing him to a wall for lying and cheating. If he hated himself that much and really truly didn't want to be a coward, don't you think he'd stop? Or at least I don't know, walk into a therapist's office and ask for help? Did he do either of those things? Nope. He just cries when he's been caught, which is a pretty common reaction nearly everyone does when busted over something they know is wrong, but chose to do anyways hoping they wouldn't get caught, so they could keep doing it.

You've given this guy a number of chances and he has blown them every time. It's time to wake up and realize you're only seeing the tip of the iceberg, and it will not get any better. He'll just keep crying, getting you to feel sorry for him/bad you're such a meanie for demanding he be faithful and monogamous, and he'll keep doing it all anyways, because he knows he can and is manipulating you.

And I'm sorry to lay it out like that, but you know what this is and so does he. It's time to end the game and tell him to go get some professional help if he doesn't want his next relationship to tank. And make a pact never to put up with this type of crap again, because yeah it is crap. He's making an active, conscious choice to do these things and has continued to do so all along. And that's just not okay on any number of levels by anyone's standards.

And the reason he does it is a) he knows you won't leave him b) he understands crying and playing the whole "I hate myself" card will make you feel sympathetic and c) he does it because he wants to, gets off on it, and likes the idea of illicit sex while he has a stead someone at home. None of these indicate any degree of sanity or someone who is partnership material. Lots of people can fake being wonderful, nice, good people--that's how serial killers and con artists get away with the things they do. It doesn't change what they do however and the damage they cause. Chronic cheating is, in my eyes anyways, just another form of that same sort of behavior of doing something they know is wrong, that will hurt others , but they are going to do it because they want to.

Bottom line, he does it because he wants to and knows you won't leave him over it.

This is cheating.

You should have left after finding the video cam activity. This is cheating. And, he did it for a LONG time!

Next, he is being serviced by prostitute. Yuck! This is huge, and also putting your life at risk.

For the life of me, i can't understand why you have tolerated a minute of this. This guy has a serious problem with cheating, and it sounds like it been going on a very long time. Don't you like yourself?

Leave this mess, and get yourself tested!

I agree with most - please leave them. Its not only about respecting you and loving you enough, but also about risks of giving you STD! You deserve better!

I'm a bit confused. This is your ex BF, right? So you have already left him, I assume?

I don't think you drove him away. Although he was able to be loving, caring and supportive he was not able to be in a committed relationship and be monogamous. Once he got bored, the temptation to have easy sex and stray became too great.

You say that your were critical and hurtful to him. These things may have affected the dynamic between you, I can't say. It would certainly be a good idea to examine why you felt the need to behave in this way. Most people don't like being criticised, and respond by switching off or being defensive. Regardless, it was his choice to seek out prostitutes and erotic websites. No one made him do it.

To be frank, I think the relationship between you is done. Both of you have personal issues that need to be examined and it doesn't seem that you can do it together. He's broken your trust and you've probably dented his ego. Not a good combination.

They have broken things off, for the time being. UGH! Why do people expect so little from their partners.

She said that she had never been disrespectful to him in six years, UNTIL she found out about the prostitutes. I too, would be insulting if I received this type of news.

She had tolerated way too much crap before this. Should have been over upon discovery of web cam activity.

If you have left him then congrats and now forget him. Why are you still trying to work things out?