Court again with no expanded visitation and now mediation

Hi all I am officially fed up with the law in the State of IL. I have been dealing with custody issues now for over 8 months and have literally gotten nowhere. I had court today and now we are being sent to a mediator because she refused a settlement agreement stating that " She was breastfeeding " and had to work and that she is a teacher and was only available on April 3rd ( she was off the whole freaking week ). I stated " what about me? I am a Firefighter and have to have a guy cover my shift " but i guess that does not matter to the court system neither did my first request for a DNA test in Sept. which was unconstitutional and I swear if I get screwed over by this judge I am filing an appeal and have him up on review. I basically have nothing until after the mediation and our next court hearing is July 10th and my daughter will turn 1 on the 21st. I pay $846 a month to be alienated from my own daughter and the courts sit back and do nothing. I was advised to talk to other lawyers and see what they think?

Courts can force you into mediation because they know you will be co-parenting for the next 18 years and want you to figure out how to get along and come to an agreement.

So they usually will send you back a few times until it is very clear that you will not ever come to an agreement between the two of you, then they'll rule on it.

And it is common for people to try to get out of court appearances. Judges will usually allow a couple postponements, but if she tries it another time the judge could hold her in contempt of court if she continues to refuse to show up.

Most courts also start to lose patience with the 'breastfeeding' excuse after the baby is a year old and on solid foods and milk can be a supplement rather than a primary food source.

If you feel your lawyer isn't representing you correctly, then do get a second opinion.

What is your lawyer telling you? You have failed to get sympathy on your side, that may not technically be important, but it would appear that you have given the impression your court battle is more about your ex than it is about your daughter. That is a problem. It is coming through in your posts here when we are only getting your side of the story. It is probably coming through more clearly in court. A new lawyer is not going to help that especially when you have a very hands on interest in the case.

About the DNA test, as long as the payments you are making are voluntary and not court ordered, I don't see how you could order to have a DNA test done. I could be wrong but I would think that to be generally the case. To have a DNA test done is definitely an intrusion, and you have to have just cause to be able to force someone to submit to one. If you were court ordered to make child support payments you would at least have a case. I think the decision is a correct one. You are paying your lawyer to tell you all of this, and you are paying him to advice you, not for you te tell him what to do.

His payments are court ordered. They already had the DNA test after he appealed it, and he is bio dad. Child support(court ordered) was established after finding of parentage. Just want to clear that up because it would appear otherwise if someone didn't closely follow his previous threads.

His payments are court ordered. They already had the DNA test after he appealed it, and he is bio dad. Child support(court ordered) was established after finding of parentage. Just want to clear that up because it would appear otherwise if someone didn't closely follow his previous threads.

So there was no issue with the DNA test - sorry I guess a confusing post

His first motion was denied. Then he petitioned to vacate it, and they went ahead and got the DNA test, some months back. So there was a brief issue with that, but it's resolved and it's not relevant to what's going on now at all - Other than the OP thinking the judge is working against him or something. Hope that clears it up.

OP - This is all par for the course. When parents can't come to an agreement, they get sent off to mediation to (hopefully) work it out and have something to present to the judge. You don't want this to go to trial. You want(and desperately need) mediation.

I had DNA test done in OCT and LUKEB you don't know me at all because you think I care about my ex ( I don't ) other then her as the mother of my child. I think she is stalling on everything till she can't possibly do so anymore. My lawyer should have filed the motion for expanded visitation a month ago when she sen how my ex and her lawyer refused to meet in a mutual place rather then at her lawyers office. We gave her 21 days that we could meet and she said no to all of them and said it was because she had to work and was breastfeeding. I work too and think that the courts should see my attempt in becoming a good father even though I have not been given any time worth becoming so. I need hands on experience and every time I go to see my daughter she is already changed, bathed and fed and I cannot do any parenting tasks needed to help me when I am alone with my daughter.

I hope mediation works out because I am just sick of all this crap and it does not have to be so hard (IMO) and my ex should be ashamed of herself not to allow my parents to see their grand daughter. I will try my best in mediation I just think it's a shame that I as a father who wants to be involved get crushed when the deadbeats of the world get everything and nothing can be done about this.

I was advised I can sue her in my state after this is all done, but for what? I don't want her money and I do not want to prolong this anymore. I want to see my daughter outside my exes house and I feel like a man trapped in a cage there with her father being there and I as once again the 3rd wheel.

yngguns I really would not hang your hopes on mediation. Given everything I've read so far I would expect your ex will continue her stubborn refusal with the mediator and stick totally to her position without compromise. Now I could be wrong, and I hope I am. But I have this sinking feeling it will not go well.

If you don't think your lawyer is listening or filing the proper motions then by all means seek other counsel. That would be a wise thing to investigate. Unfortunately these are the games that get played in court and unless your attorney is the one filing motions, seeking judges orders, and being active well then things can just plod along at a snails pace. Some attorneys just go with the flow and I don't think you can be doing that in this case.

Your parents may have a case for grandparent rights. If your ex is refusing to allow them any visitation they might want to consult an attorney of their own and see if they can press that issue as well. Grandparent rights and visitation are very different from state to state so I wouldn't even want to guess how that could turn out. Have them talk to their own attorney.

I'm sorry you are in the middle of all this.

So, why are you hanging up on the place to meet. Her lawyer's office is no big deal.

Are you seriously thinking that quibbling about breastfeeding schedules will show you as someone who should get more visitation?

I don't think you are choosing your battle lines very well.

Think long term success , not short term annoyances and you will have a better outcome.

The thing I am mad about is that I am doing everything that is asked of me. She feels my daughter is her personal property and it is crap. Her family is a bunch of narcissists who hate me because ( I so called never bought her a ring ). I dont care about her I care about my daughter and I have missed many moments in her growing up already. 5 hours a month is ridiculous and I feel that she could easily take daughter in car and bring her to see my family. I will have a good say in mediation and hopefully the mediator will say something to the courts. This cannot continue like this especially when I pay support for my daughter.

This cannot continue like this especially when I pay support for my daughter.

I agree it sucks and blows. But let me say this - You better shed that mindset with a quickness - "Especially when I pay support for my daughter." A judge hears you even insinuating you're entitled because you pay, and you aren't going to be a happy camper. Support and visitation are separate legal matters, and in my experiences they are really big sticklers about any off comments or insinuations like that.

Anyway, I wish you luck in mediation! Be careful to pick your battles. Your biggest goal here is more time with your daughter.

Anyway, I wish you luck in mediation! Be careful to pick your battles. Your biggest goal here is more time with your daughter.

THIS. Exactly. Always keep the end goal in mind, OP.

We hear your frustration. It's been a rocky road for you, but this is a marathon. You're going to have to keep going. Vent to us but remember the advise if what not to say around the judge.

The thing I am mad about is that I am doing everything that is asked of me. She feels my daughter is her personal property and it is crap. Her family is a bunch of narcissists who hate me because ( I so called never bought her a ring ).

I remember the start of your story. Your Ex is a piece of work. A selfish, entitled woman who is using your daughter as a weapon to hurt you. It's sickening, and you definitely dodged a bullet by not marrying her.

I dont care about her I care about my daughter and I have missed many moments in her growing up already.

Your daughter is nearly a year old. It's really painful that you haven't been able to share as many moment with her as you'd like.

That said, think of the future. She will know how hard you fought to stay a part of her life. In your care she will see healthy, loving family dynamics. From you she will have unconditional love, support, and guidance as she grows up. Hopefully when you find the right woman, she will part of a stable blended with your, your future wife, and future siblings.

You have so many good memories ahead to share with her! And at ages that she will remember! You will hear her firsthand accounts of starting school. You will spend countless hours with her playing in the park. Helping her with homework. Watching school plays. And one day, walking her down the aisle at her wedding.

Keep going and continue fighting for your parental rights. Remember, one day she will understand it all. She will be old enough to decide which parent she want to live with. And when she becomes an adult, she will be free to spend as much time with you as she likes -- and ignore her toxic mother if she so decides.

Hello I need advice on what I should be asking for in mediation as our lawyers are not going to be in the room with us. I will not go in the room if her mother is there ( absolutely not ) and I am hoping the mediator is keen enough to see past some of her lies.

Keep in mind the mediator is not going to take sides (not if they are any good anyway). So give up the notion of trying to convince the mediator you are right and she is a nut. That is not what this process is for. Yes the mediator may pressure one or both of you to compromise. They may also pressure one party privately that their position is not likely a winning position if it goes to trial. But the whole objective of the mediator is to come out of there with a settlement. That's what they measure success by and will be pushing you both for. That does not mean it will be in your best interest or the child's best interest.

You must be careful not to agree to something simply because it is easier and the mediator is pressuring you to cave. Only agree if you truly can live with that concession. If you can't live with it and she simply will not budge in mediation then let it go to trial. It is all too easy to negotiate something away in mediation that you absolutely didn't want to because it looked like it would end the conflict. But you must live with this settlement for a very long time. Do not be rushed into something in 5 minutes that you will be reliving for the next 18 years. Take your time and make wise choices in there.

Make a list of your wants and think long and hard about ones that you might be willing to negotiate on (like the last name) and ones you simply will not (like wanting liberal visitation that does not occur at her mothers house). Then when you are in the middle of things you keep your head about you and push hard on the things you simply must have and are in the best interest of the child.

Thanks so much. I really am thinking hard on what is worth fighting and whats not. The name to me is very personal and I know others say it is just a name but I feel as a father who will be involved I should have this honor and it is good for the daughter as well because even though me and her mother are not married she will always be able to count on me ( her father ) and know I am here for her and her biggest fan. I want joint decision making and given that I have had no say in anything especially doctor visits and I pay the bills ( why should I not have a yes or no in matters? ). Visitation definitely away from her house as she is very very cold and rude. I bought her a coffee and she did not even drink any of it saying " I dont trust you " 😐. I tried hard I really did but her sense of entitlement and ownership is ridiculous.

Had a very very successful mediation with my ex and child custody The mediator felt I was not being given enough time and also was proud of me for going to therapy and trying the best I can in this situation. My ex did not like any of her recommendations but after 6 hrs we finally reached an agreement. My daughter will be coming over every other weekend for a minimum of 4 hrs and also I have extended visitation from 2.5 hrs till 4.0 hrs every other weekend until I feel comfortable to have overnights.

Congratulations! Is there any other step up you guys have in place? Like from 4 to 8 hours, before you do overnights?

Well the good thing is now she will bring our daughter to my house every other weekend and help me establish some basic tasks with the little one. I have a minimum of 4 hrs every other weekend and once I feel comfortable for overnights ( Both of us ) then I will have my daughter the standard visitation in the state. I have a unusual schedule being a firefighter but as the woman explained to my ex ( Courts understand first responders schedules and will make the appropriate changes to the parenting schedule to accommodate a relationship ). It is really hard to see my ex sit there and make excuse after excuse to keep my daughter away from me. She said to the mediator " He's in therapy " and the mediator said " I am too " does this mean I am not normal to you kelly? and also told her " I think therapy would be good for you " as she has so much shame about having a child out of wedlock and her unwillingness to compromise with me is a very selfish act. I stated that we should both attend therapy to resolve conflicts and the mediator agreed to write that in her report and advised her that she has to stop making this situation a negative one but think of how lucky she is by having a healthy beautiful daughter and also having a co-parent to assist her in whatever she needs but Kelly was in no way shape or form to content about this at all. I am calling attorney tomorrow as that is when our proposal will be submitted.

It would be a bad idea for her to be at your house for any reason, probably better to make the exchange at a police station or social services building. I am still reading all over your posts that this is less about your relationship with your daughter and much more about your relationship with your ex. You need to figure out a way to separate the two. Your ex is not interested in having you in her life, but it is clear you have great interest in her issues, conflicts very much like a stalker would. As long as you continue on this path she will continue to see you as a threat and rightly so. If this comes through to light at your court hearings it could very well go badly for you. You need to present yourself as a father interested in having his daughter in your life, not as a stalker who will not leave his ex alone.

Congrats yngguns. That went much better then I imagined it would. I do hope your ex will live up to her part of the settlement agreement. It sounds like she only grudgingly accepted it so that may foretell some issues going forward. But at least you have something to start with.

That mediator sounded very reasonable and perhaps it was valuable for her (the ex) to see that someone totally neutral and removed from the situation would see it this way.

Make sure your settlement agreement is well spelled out. Anything left open to interpretation will probably bring you back to court later on since you two simply don't see eye to eye. So if there is a ramp up in parenting time for you then spell out the schedule and when it will happen. Something that states you'll get it "upon agreement of the parties" just means she can simply say no forever and then you have to come back to court.

Yeah I'm afraid I don't agree with any of this at all. yngguns does not strike me as a stalker in any definition that could be conceived of. He wants his daughter in his life and the drama with his ex is impeding that. That is NOT stalker behavior.

Good to hear the progress you've achieved with visitations. I wish you success going forward, and understand it will be a transition and adjustment for all of you. Thumbs up to the dialogue with the mediator. Happy Father's Day, ynguns251!

Congrats!!! Glad to see it going well!

Luke, I do not want anything to do with my ex and the only thing I want is peace so I can be a Dad and until now I was not allowed to. If you think I miss my ex ( think again ) because not only was she a horribke girlfriend but she was a horrible sexual partner as well and I laugh at myself because usually I am way more careful then this but I guess it was in Gods hands for us to conceive a child together. I am lucky in the fact that my daughter is healthy and happy and I am glad to that as much as I do not like my ex she is a cautious mother and I can rest assure that Avery will be kept out of harms way. This is not about me wanting her back in my life it is about my relationship and lack there of with my daughter and I am glad somebody could see how her thinking and actions are not in the best interests of our daughter.

Thanks everyone!!!!! I have been so happy and a weight is finally off my chest ( for now )