My girlfriend left me because I am an alcoholic that can get out of control

Hi everyone. I am looking for advice on what I should because I lost the love of my life due to alcohol. She didn't like that I was drinking and left me before for it but gave me other chances. I always made excuses to drink, a little here a little there, but then it all would just come back as habit. The most recent time I back angry and grabbed her arm. I was blacked out and don't even remember. She is deeply hurt by it as she should be. I tried to explain to her it is the alcohol and this time I am quitting for good but she doesn't believe me. I am now going to AA and actually speaking. Before I just listened and blew it off. I am taking action now because her leaving me in such a way breaks my heart. She is the love of my life and I blew it for not getting help sooner. I have been sober 4 days and its a small amount of time but have gone to 3 AA meeting already. I am determined to quit now for good. I am ashamed of how I acted when a drunk. I am sad I didn't get help sooner. She is the love of my life, I love her with all my heart.I panicked and sent many flowers, wrote letters etc. But the only way I think she will come back is time and seeing me healthy and sober and remember and want to be with that man she fell in love with before. Is there hope? Thank you

Where there is life there is hope, but there is no telling if she will come back to you. I am sure that many have advised her to let you go for good. I had a boyfriend that was an alcoholic and I gave him many chances to stop drinking, but he did not. At some point, I finally gave up hope that he would ever stop. Now he is dead, and it was due to drinking alcohol. You have been sober for a few days. Congratulations! You need to continue on your path to sobriety, but you need to do this for yourself. Only time will tell if she will give you yet another chance. You cannot hope for it or base your sobriety upon the hope that she will take you back. The easy part is to get sober. Now you need to stay sober. Good luck to you. chi

Thank you so much for your response. I know I have to do this for myself before ever having her back again. Its just so devastating to me that she left. I know the only way she will ever come back is if she sees me making real progress in my sobriety. I have gone through the phase of sending flowers and endless emails and texts and that won't help. I need to give her time and space. I am sorry to hear about the boyfriend who died. I am determined in myself I will stay sober this time. I can only hope she doesn't really move on and she sees the change in me over time and comes back into my arms.

I am sorry to hear you are suffering. Unfortunately there are no guarantees in life. There are consequences for every choice we make in life good and bad. I suggest you get a sponsor and start building men friendships to help you on your journey. Staying sober is not easy. Once the reality sets in she is gone, it is going to be even harder. You need to live out the serenity prayer my friend. Best of luck.

I can only pray that I will work on myself and she will see it and come back to me. But the pain now is unbearable.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

You are doing the right thing, seeking some help and going to meetings. Meetings help a lot of people get through that difficult period of initial sobriety. I congratulate you on getting as far as you have with quitting, however you must recognize that this is going to take some time. Habits and addictions do not end in 4 days, 4 weeks, 4 months, sometimes even 4 years for some people. You may not of meant to do what you did when you were drunk, and I am sure she recognizes that you didn't mean to do this, however you still have to take responsibility for your actions and those actions resulted in her leaving. You are quitting for 'her' but you need to be quitting for YOU.

When people hit rock bottom, it is usually because the people they are about in their lives have had enough, and have left. This triggers the addict to want to change, to try and get some of those things back that they wanted. This is good, because it gets the addict to the point of wanting to quit. After a period of time of being sober though, the addict realizes that there are issues that need to be dealt with, and quitting becomes more about them and less about those people they were quitting for. This is healthy, and necessary for you to be able to quit long-term. Quitting for good is you're only chance of getting healthy relationships back, and getting your life back.

Work the program, be open to help, and see if you can find a sponsor at one of those meetings. If you have family that are willing to support you, icing on the cake. One day at a time, eventually things will start coming back and falling back into place.

It's good that you've become aware of your problem. Alcoholism goes deep, so keep going to AA and maybe pick up a counseling session, where you could talk to a specialist about your situation. Stay strong.

If you do this for her and not you, it won't work.

Do this for your future and life!!!

If I were her, I would break up with you and stay away from you for at least one year. If you have been sober for a year, for YOURSELF, and I still had feelings, I might consider a reconciliation.

No matter what, you need to stay sober for at least a year without her to get your life together. That is what AA recommends - a year of sobriety without romantic relationships.

A year is a long time. After a few months she should see I am serious about my sobriety, even after one month. Its something I have never done.

And I do know I have to stay sober for me. Getting her back in my life is just very important to me because I love her so much.

A year is not that long. However, almost anyone can make changes that last for a couple months. It shows that you are serious about making changes, and is something to celebrate. But it is just the first step in your journey. If I were in her position, I would want to see not only that you want to be sober, but that you are able to function that way for a long enough period that I can be assured that you wont easily revert. She has seen you at your worst, and those memories are going to be fresh for some time.

Those memories may be impossible for her to erase no matter how long she waits.

After a few months, you move from getting sober, to staying sober. It's a much longer process - perhaps life long, and the staying is the hardest part. But if you stick with it you will unlock roads that are now closed to you, even if the road you want never reopens.

A year is a long time. After a few months she should see I am serious about my sobriety, even after one month. Its something I have never done.

It is suggested that you stay away from relationships in the first year of sobriety. A relationship could make one lose focus on their sobriety. Hindsight is 20/20; I started dating my ex when he was just four months sober. I was hesitant in the beginning if I should date him because of that, but did anyway. We ended up breaking up, and he started drinking again. I'm not saying us breaking up was the sole cause of this, but if I could do it all over again, I would've thought harder before choosing to date someone so new in their sobriety.

It's imperative that you just focus on yourself for now. Yes you want her back, but it's detrimental to have the hopes of winning her back after some indefinite amount of time sober. It could be damaging to your process if you do remain sober and in the end she still doesn't want you back. Just focus on yourself and your sobriety. Good luck with your process.

And I do know I have to stay sober for me. Getting her back in my life is just very important to me because I love her so much.

Re-read and see how selfish this sounds. This is not love, man. What about "her" life and what is important to "her"?

I'm not being selfish at all. I love her deeply. I want the very best for her. She loves the man I am when I don't drink. This is love and who are you to question my feelings for someone. How dare you belittle the pain I feel for having her see my ugly side and how much I want that out of my life. If I didn't feel like I can work on my sobriety and have her regain my trust I wouldn't even be posting here. If I felt like I couldn't become the healthy person I know I can be in the long run I would never drag her down that road.

I would also like to add that this whole experience has been life shattering and life altering to me. I care deeply for this woman and I have never had more resolve and confidence before in my life to stay sober.

Re-read and see how selfish this sounds. This is not love, man. What about "her" life and what is important to "her"?

Selfish because he cares? whats important to her is that she didn't want to be with someone who was drunk & if he stays sober why shouldn't she give him a chance?

I wish you all the best briguy76 & hope your woman will come back to you, but I think if she really loved you, she would have stayed while you were fighting the battle, my uncle is an alcoholic and I understand that lots of people feel that they have no time for people who drink a lot but if people really cared, they would help, not abandon!!

Well, my ex is an addict and I loved him almost beyond all reason. However, I certainly was not going to stay while he disappeared for days on end, got fired from job after job after getting the first paycheck (because he'd disappear on a bender), stole my personal property to feed his addiction, got arrested (and eventually went to prison), got into rehab only to walk out after 5 days saying he was "cured", stole from friends and family (again, to feed his addiction)...me staying wouldn't have helped him one bit since this was how he acted while we were together. He claimed to want to get sober but didn't follow through until he was sent to prison.

Now, I understand the OP is actually taking steps to get and stay sober. And that's fantastic. But to expect someone who'd lived through the addiction with him to stay while he's fighting for his sobriety and saying they're "abandoning" the addict when they've finally had enough...that's just completely unfair.

I agree with Boltnrun. Too often people feel obligated to stay with someone who is treating them poorly BECAUSE they have an addiction. That's quite unfair to the partner, who has every right to live without addiction.

I say first thing's first. Focus on sobriety. One day at a time.

hope you are okay now