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Thread: Over thinking

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Mar 2015

    Over thinking

    Hi everyone,

    I have been a relationship with my boyfriend whom I love for just about 10 months. We live about 1.5 hours apart so we only see each other on weekends. I love him like crazy and I believe he loves me to ...his says it often...we have a great relationship.

    2 Weeks ago I did a bad think and i looked through his phone. It was honestly out of benign curiosity. I wish I had never looked because I found a text (from 6 months ago) to a girl he had met at a bachelor party...the texts seemed pretty benign, but I couldn't let it go. I tried having him tell me, by asking him vague questions about what happened at the bachelor party 6 months ago ...he told me nothing, and that he would never text other girls or do anything to jeopardize our relationship, he has looked a long time for something like this and he loves me more than anything. <---everything any girl wants to hear - I loved it!

    A day later i still couldn't take it so I admitted to looking and told him I lied about it. He was upset that I went through his phone and had wished that I was truthful. He explained that nothing happened with that girl etc. I do believe his story, but now I am even more upset about the fact that I looked at the phone and I worry about whether or not he trusts me. He mentioned that was something his ex g/f would do - create things in her mind that did no exist. I told him I was sorry and it wouldn't happen again - something just came over me. We both agreed to drop it and pretend like it never happened. And haven't brought it up since.

    Now I don't know if I am over thinking, but prior to this incident he used to text me from time to time during the day. Never a lot, but just a little "I love you!" or "I miss you" Text....that hasn't been happening and I don't know if it has to do with the previous circumstance. He still calls me every night, and if I text him first he responds. He is very busy...he is a doctor (primary care), so his days are busier than mine. I wonder if he notices that he hasn't been texting me at all? I don't want a whole dialogue I just like those little reminders that he is thinking about me.

    Last weekend was the first weekend since the incident and he seemed normal as did I. I am just very insecure now because of what happened and would like some more reassurance.

    I don't know if I should bring it up...like, oh I miss when you used to text me during the day etc? Or if I should just let this whole thing go...I was trying to let it go, but it's honestly still eating me alive. I wonder if he is still thinking of it? If he wants to break up? If he doesn't look at me the same? I know he knows that I like when he texts me during the day, but I've never said to him that he has to or should

    Keep in mind this was our first ever "fight" and besides this our relationship has been going very well, I just worry that this incident may have cracked the perfection that once was.

    It's so hard for me...I've been making myself sick over it. Any advice would be much appreciated. I don't think that he could take away his feelings of loving me so much and wanting to marry me etc..over this one thing, right? Or that his lack of texts have to do with this?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mhowe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    You need to stop.

    You didn't look at it out of "benign curiosity". You looked at it, with no grounds for not trusting him, out of your own insecurity.
    You should be upset --- because you invaded his privacy.

    While he may still trust you --- you have, in fact, planted the seeds of doubt.

    Now --- he may be genuinely busy --- or he may be taking a step back. Since he is a dr, expecting texting during the day is really a bit much.

    However, you really don't want to compound your own insecurity by asking him --- because you both agreed to drop it. Don't go back on your agreement.

    Your relationship was never perfect. It just hadn't been tested.

    You need to address your insecurity. Consider counseling.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Lady Amalthea's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    No relationship is "perfect", so don't break your neck over cracking the perfection of your relationship. I believe you are overthinking the situation, he said he would dropped it, you said you would drop it, you both would move on. It's been only a week, you still feel guilty and that's why you might see everything as a sign of him not getting over it. Maybe he just had a busy week.
    Anyway, maybe drop a little hint by asking if he had a super busy day, and that you thought so because you missed his sweet texts.
    And please, no more snooping, he hasn't given you any reason to, and you need to respect him the way you expect to be respected.
    Good luck!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    Flip the switch of your focus on this: appreciate that this man loves you enough to overlook something for which others may have dumped you.

    If you don't start operating from more secure vision, you could end up causing the very thing you fear.

    I agree with mhowe about pursuing counseling. This mind spinning doesn't make you deficient or unusual, but use your intelligence to recognize when you're in deep water, and hire an expert who's trained to help guide you in dealing with your insecurities in healthy ways.

    We ALL have insecurities, and we only learn to what degree when the stakes are high enough to test them. That's a 'nice' problem to have, if you can think about it that way--but you need to learn how to manage it.

    Head high, and lose the microscope.


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