Why in the world am I acting like this-I'm scared?

My mom passed a week ago and I feel like such a horrible person now. She was an AMAZING mom and it was just the two of us for 21 years (my age). She did everything for me and I owe her for everything I have today and who I (thought) I am as a man.

I cried for the two days I found out, but absolutely nothing since. Not a tear at all. I just don't know what's wrong with me because I'm acting like everything's normal. I'm beginning to hate myself because I don't feel that sadness when I know I should. Can't tell if I'm in denial or not, but I'm scared because I don't know what's wrong. I haven't returned to our apartment yet so I'm wondering if all of this hasn't hit me yet.

But what if I never cry again? What does that say about me as her son?! I miss her more than life itself, would give anything to have her back, and it hurts unspeakably to know that I'll never hear her voice or see her again or just have her wake me up in the morning again....but why can't I cry and why am I acting so d**m normal?

*hugs* don't worry, your body is just in shock and denial and doesn't realize it since it's been such a short while ago since it happened. Give yourself all the time you need to heal. You do have a heart and are a wonderfull person, don't ever feel less about yourself. We all deal with loss in our own way, feel free to deal it in your own way. If you don't feel anything or do not cry, that's perfectly ok too, just go with the flow and do what you think is necessary. Not crying doesn't mean you are denying your mom ok? And when the tears do come and flow, we'll be here for you.

First, I'm sorry to hear your mom passed away. My condolences. Losing anyone, especially a parent, is always a difficult time.

Second, what you're going through is not at all unusual or unheard of. In times of crisis many people go into a sort of autopilot mode while they're processing a sudden change, a major trauma, a level of emotions they aren't used to etc. You are grieving, you state you miss your mom horribly, you are able to acknowledge it's a huge loss and that is grief and grieving properly. Not all of grieving and letting someone go has to do with crying and not being able to function. You're still processing everything and if I had to hazard a guess I'd say this is more of a survival mechanism to allow you time to catch up with everything, because otherwise it can simply be too painful too suddenly.

And I sort of know all that, because it's how I was when my father passed away. It's also a bit of a "how is the world still turning and I'm still breathing when this horrible loss has just happened?" Don't beat yourself up about it, it will pass. And I wish I could tell you it won't hurt and there won't be tears, possibly at the oddest and most inconvenient of times, but yeah that will quite possibly happen. All you can do is honor your mother, find a way to process all of it, even talk to someone about it if you need to and move forward in life. You will, for want of a better term or explanation, find the way to grieve in your own way and to heal in your own way too.

We all do that in different ways. There is no road map for loss and grief really, unfortunately. I wish there were, but there isn't. So don't be angry with yourself, you know your mom would not have wanted that to happen. Understand you are still in shock, still numb, and that tears are only one part of the grieving process. You will find and experience many different ways to express your grief and loss, you already are, and no one thinks that what you're doing is strange or unusual or that you aren't honoring your mom properly. Simply in voicing your concerns you already show that's not the case.

I just had this sudden memory of the time my mom and I went to this restaurant sometime in January. She persuaded me to get a pastrami-pepper sandwich instead of my usual hamburger, and then we shared a chocolate devil's cake, and later took home a pair of cheesecakes. Just that memory alone, of her laughing and always knowing what I would have wanted when even I didn't know, nearly broke me....

Just that memory alone, of her laughing and always knowing what I would have wanted when even I didn't know, nearly broke me....

I nearly cried when I read that. All I can tell you is that yes, these memories will hurt right now, but hold on to them, because they will be what keeps her alive in your heart. And one day you're going to smile when you remember that. We honor our dead by holding their memories and essence in our hearts.

By the way, journaling your thoughts and feelings may really help you. And if you find solace in music or exercise or art or anything else for that matter this is the time to turn to those things as well. I think I played Peter Gabriel's song "I Grieve" until I wore the CD out and had to buy a new one, but yeah it helped. Also make sure right now you take really good care of yourself physically. These are all sort of my survival tips in getting through what is a very hard time.

Hi Fury,

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Your Mom sounds like she was a fun person and enjoyed doing stuff with you- even getting a kick out of ordering food and enjoying time with you. Your pain will come in waves. Perhaps you know she is not suffering and this has temporarily shut off the tears. I might suggest you go to a bereavement group. They have immensely helped people I know-even the biggest cynics. It really helps to be close to people who are going through the same thing as you. Please have a look to see if any are close to you.

The stress of losing a loved one is very intense. I think your body is just going into survival mode and you should not feel any guilt about not emoting.

I cannot stress enough about how wonderful bereavement groups are for healing.

Please take care of yourself during this difficult time.

I am so sorry for your loss. You're just in shock now, probably. Don`t be so hard on yourself. When my good friend died I was crying for weeks, but his wife was OK, and I always though OMG, what is wrong with her? Then, two or three months later she totally broke down and was grieving for some time after that. So everyone has its own time. Hugs. Hold on, it will get better with time.

Thanks everyone for your words.

This is such a nightmare. I keep forgetting and then remembering and then forgetting that from now on she won't be there for the rest of my life. This is more terrible than anything I could have ever imagined in my life...

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. Your mind must not know how to accept the magnitude of this yet, it is denial/shock. I have lost 2 siblings (on 10, the other 31) and both times it took me weeks to really process. I remember people commenting that I was handling it "so well" at the funerals. For me it was the 2nd week when it hit. For me it has been a year since my sister passed and it is still very hard. Your mind just can't process all of this information. Keep posting about your feelings. Every loss is different and the meaning of it hits us all in different ways. Hugs.. I am so sorry

Oh also, I remember in the first weeks after my sister (it was a sudden death) before it really hit me I put a lot of playlists together, got movies, books (I had no patients for the books) and comforting things. She was mothering to me and my best friend, closest person in my life and the feelings I felt seemed unbearable and still do at times but listening to music and letting it out, really helped the amount of guilt/regret/anxiety/fear. In the weeks before the sadness I felt rage and was arrested twice for acting out, taking fits, not sleeping for days. I find it really helps to accept the pain, no matter how scary it is. Myself I felt fearful that I could never be happy again, I resented others for having close relationships, i felt I would be alone and lonely forever etc (she took care of me since i was 13, without parents) the feeling of never having someone know you again and losing a part of yourself can be terrifying.

I know I would rather feel sadness than the shame and guilt. Grieve does come in waves but I find the waves are just other elements of grief and some can be more damaging than others. I am sure it is harder and may even feel scary and senseless to cry when your Mother, your comforter is no longer with you. She is proud of the man you are, that will never change. She loves you immensely and wants you to find comfort and peace here on earth, even though she can no longer be the one to provide it.

Poem by P.G. White

Sorrow

She rises out of nowhere, like a wave from the sea,

Slowly at first, silently, then crests and peaks;

Still I have a choice

I can turn away, go to work, watch a movie, play a game...

But I know sorrow well.

Though I turn away, she will wait,

perfectly patient,

until I am still,

then crush me with all her accumulated power.

Once I had angry walls to shut her out,

But her incessant pounding tore them down.

So now, when she rises,

I turn to her and say,

Here I am, I know you, sorrow.

She crashes on my shoreline,

And sorrow and I are one

Until, trailing frothy whitecaps,

She sweeps away.

I went to bed, as I have been doing lately at 2am, and ended up tossing and turning endlessly. All I could think of was how much I miss her. To say that I would give anything at all to have her back is a severe understatement. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to literally explode or something. It's such a terrible d**n feeling whenever I think of my Mom.

It hurts so much...just the pain is...I miss her...she did everything for me for 21 years and now she's gone...doesn't seem fair...feels like some twisted, awful, terrible nightmare...expect her and the doctors to pop out from some corner and surprise me or something...wanted to punch a hole thru a wall yesterday...getting that feeling again...unspeakable pain...she once told me she'd come back and haunt me if I ever thought about suicide if she died...only reason I haven't now...so tempting...crying now...grief attacks me only when I'm alone...

Jeez.

I have no clue who my dad was. He died before I was born and for some reason I was scared to ask my Mom who he was. I always thought to ask her one day in the future but I never found the courage and time ran out. And no one else in my family-NO ONE-knows who he was at all.

Jeez.

I see now that my life is now in 2 parts.

The first part from when I was born to when she died; the second part from that awful day to the rest of my life. I hate this, all of this. I find that anger is now parallel to my grief and I don't know why. I hate all of this so much.....

Another day without her...the hours pass by without notice. They're just a blur...

It hurts so d**m much right now. All that I want right now is a hug from her. Just a d**m hug!

I don't think I can go on without her. I just can't. I hate it. Why the f*** did it happen now, why?! WHY? I don't understand why it had to be her. I just don't understand, but I want her back....please. Who the h*** picked her?! I needed her....I wasn't ready to say goodbye....

All I want is her hug...

I see now that my life is now in 2 parts.

 

The first part from when I was born to when she died; the second part from that awful day to the rest of my life. I hate this, all of this. I find that anger is now parallel to my grief and I don't know why. I hate all of this so much.....

Very true. From the day your parent dies, your life is forever transformed.

You will be blind with this grief for a while now, I know sometimes in anger and pain it doesn't help to say you will feel better. I know I personally felt that was meaningless. But you will as months go by be able to function and feel something other than this pain. Try to remember not to fear it, there are many bonds to be had in life. None that will replace your mother but others that will be rich and comforting. Please be kind to yourself, your mother would not want you to be afraid of this.

Now losing ability to sleep, been up at 2am to 4am with no sleep for the last 3 days...world even darker now...returning home tomorrow...scared knowing I'll be walking into an empty room from now on...more difficult than I would have imagined...wouldn't want to wish this pain on anyone else...too awful, ugly to bear.

I think it is biology's way of keeping us sane - we can only "process" so much grief at once. It is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about - anyone reading these posts can see the agony you are in (which your mom would not want to see). I lost mine recently, too, and have not processed it yet -have been "keeping busy" because if I stand still for too long I will break. But I think it is okay to break! She is your Mom - you take whatever time you need, in your own time - no one else's. In your own way.

I think the EKR model of "stages of grief" is absurd. We are all different.

I'm back home, in the apartment we shared together. Still talk aloud as though she were there, hopefully somewhere she can hear me. Feel this heavy weight on my chest, very physical not emotional. Kinda like something pulling me down yet with a definite spherical shape. Might be stress from the day, week(s).

Sitting in my room, realize that everything I'm looking at-ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING from clothes/shoes to my toys to books to my bed-she bought me.

What an amazing Mom...

Feels as though my body wants to run a 10k marathon after running a 10k marathon. Hard to explain, but I feel restless (65%) + energetic (35%) in the same moment...

I'm back home, in the apartment we shared together. Still talk aloud as though she were there, hopefully somewhere she can hear me. Feel this heavy weight on my chest, very physical not emotional. Kinda like something pulling me down yet with a definite spherical shape. Might be stress from the day, week(s).

 

Sitting in my room, realize that everything I'm looking at-ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING from clothes/shoes to my toys to books to my bed-she bought me.

 

What an amazing Mom...

If it helps, I go in the room where my mom died and talk to her, too. It is comforting, yes? I am sure they hear us.

No, I can't be in her room for more than a few moments, kitty. It's far, far too painful.

Not sure if I can cope without my Mom, sounds pathetic sure, but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I really don't. Mom always wanted me to do "great" things but I always assumed she'd be here to see them. Can't handle it, this, all of it. It's beyond heartbreaking...

No, I can't be in her room for more than a few moments, kitty. It's far, far too painful.

 

Not sure if I can cope without my Mom, sounds pathetic sure, but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I really don't. Mom always wanted me to do "great" things but I always assumed she'd be here to see them. Can't handle it, this, all of it. It's beyond heartbreaking...

You will find your strength - it's what your mom wants for you. This is recent, emotions are so raw right now. It does not sound pathetic at all, it sounds like you love her and you are grieving terribly - what is pathetic about that? Since this is all recent for me, too, I can't say how long we feel like this or what happens next, but I only know emotions are still raw for you right now. I think losing our mom is the most difficult thing we will ever go through, so don't beat yourself up that you are grieving. It seems from reading the other posts on here, that the pain does subside. You will get through this....keep posting.......