My boyfriend recently started talking to a girl at his work who likes him a lot.

Some strange things happened two weeks ago that have been on my mind since it happened. Basically my boyfriend and I share a nice apartment together and have a 3 1/2 month old son. I have basically quit my job to be a stay at home mom while he goes to work about 15-17 hours per day (but he gets weekends off). We've had our ups and downs as new parents and also with the new reality of living together, but for the most part we've sorted out all our issues.

Well, last week I was outside with our son getting some groceries when this guy approached me asking if I was single. I said I wasn't. He kept following me and kept saying things like "are you sure you don't want to at least talk maybe?". He was so nervous he was shaking, saying things like "I've always seen you around and always wanted to ask...". I said "No sorry I can't". I felt bad for him in a way but just gave him what he needed to hear ...that no I can't date, no I can't talk to you, I'm not single and my bf have a son together...pretty much married. He took the hint and eventually went away after a lot of presisting.

I told my boyfriend about it more so because I am the open honest type I guess. Whatever happens I always tell him. Also I kind of wanted his opinion on it because I was wondering if I had a stalker or something. My boyfriend was okay with it and found it nice that I said no...but then he started telling me about this girl at his work.

There is a girl at his work who likes him, he said. He tried ignoring her for a while, but his co-workers told him to like "man up" and go talk to her so then she wouldn't feel hurt. So he did. His co-workers all know that he's with me and we have a kid together, so I found it kind of odd that they told him to talk to her. So he's been talking to her about his work...what gear he uses, how he got into the job...like casual talk. He also goes out of his way to always say hi to her. This kind of made me feel angry....mainly because there is a big difference between letting someone off the hook (like I did) and continually talking to them on a daily basis (which is what he's doing).

I told him "you're kind of leading her on if you do that. She obviously really likes you....some girls really don't care if you're married or have a kid. If she likes you...she likes you...and you continuing to talk to her is just like...tossing her cookies". I was started to get aggitated at this point.

I started to forget about it, until just recently he added her to his facebook. He told me he didn't...but the girl he added has the exact same name as her (which is a very unique name), and lives in the same city. He finally admitted he did add her to his facebook. He still talks to her everyday.

I finally broke down and said "what are you doing???". I felt kind of heartbroken. I never pictured him as the type of guy to cheat. I don't think he would cheat, but he seems to be getting so buddy buddy with this girl who obviously has a crush on him. Meanwhile I'm at home taking care of our son....and it just hurts.

There's nothing I can do to stop it. All I can do is kind of continue on with life...thing is I'd never ever let a guy into my life who "liked" me in that way if I was already with someone. I told a guy just like that...straight up, it wouldn't work. We couldn't be friends...we couldn't talk....yet my boyfriend is out talking to this girl. A month ago he outright told me this one girl who asked him for directions was pretty....(and I didn't ask him if he thought so), and he said the same thing again about this girl. I sometimes wonder if he's trying to rile me up...well it's working. Or maybe he doesn't really want to be with me, deep down

Am I over-reacting? She doesn't want to be his friend, she likes him very much

Does she know he has a live in gf with a kid? Most women...well decent women would never pursue a taken man, especially with a kid. There's something he's obviously not telling her.

He said she knows. She is kind of young. She's maybe in her very early 20's. She is well aware of his situation with me and his son, and she still talks to him all the time apparently.

What kind of place do they work? How many people ---- is it a big, friendly atmosphere?

I would drop by and get lunch with him regularly, and meet her. Make sure to leave pictures of you on his desk.

On the flip side, I would tell him that "there is no room in our relationship with our family for another woman to be in it. I feel uncomfortable that you are becoming friends with another woman who has her own agenda. Are you regularly connecting each day because you feel less loved by me?"

And have you seen her? It is quite possible she looks like a troll doll on a bad day. But the problem is that you need to let him know that when he denied adding her, he was keeping a secret, and lying to you about it. For the sake of the family, he needs to defriend her. And their conversations at work should be kept to a minimum, or not happen.

I've actually never been to his work despite us being together for 2 years now. I've always been to all my exes work places (almost as much as they were) but he never really allowed me to go with him to his work. He never asks. I asked before because I wanted to see his life and was interested in him, but he always said no, so I don't ask anymore.

You are not over reacting, what he's doing is wrong and disrespectful to your relationship.

He already lied to you about adding her on Facebook, which shows me he knows he's doing something he shouldn't be doing.

Unfortunately, many women out there lack common sense and respect, both for themselves and for other people's relationships, and if they get the hots for a guy, all they want is to make him theirs, even if that means snitching him away from his wife/girlfriend.

As for your boyfriend, he's definitely encouraging her. I don't know if he's planning to cheat or anything, but he totally likes the ego boost and the attention, and doesn't seem to have any intention to let it go.

So no, you are not wrong for feeling the way you do.

However, I don't really have any suggestions as to how to deal with it. You can't control who he interacts with at work, and you can't really dictate who he can or can not be friends with, including on Facebook. But sitting there and saying nothing won't work either.

Try to discuss with him calmly, once again, and tell him how all this makes you feel. If that still doesn't open his eyes, then you will have to take more drastic measures, but hopefully it won't get to that.

Bake cookies for his team, and surprise him at work. I know that sounds primitive, but sometimes you have to caveman style it. There's a reason why animals may pee around their territory. Gotta ward off others.

Yeah he told me he likes the ego boost...in fact that was his main part of the argument "I just feel good inside that this girl likes me!" and then he continually relates it to my experience with the random stalker guy saying "yeah well didn't you feel good that he asked you out?" and I said "Yeah I guess, but I said NO." He keeps thinking that what he's doing is the same thing as what happened to me. I let the guy go right away. I didn't get his phone number, add him to facebook (despite him asking), I don't continue to talk to him (even though I still see him sometimes), I don't go out of my way to talk to him period.

The girl he's talking to is pretty...she's definitely not ugly...or average...she's pretty. He loves the fact that she likes him...it's really obvious

mhowe: I really don't know.

Really? You don't know if he works with a dozen people --- or 100?

Do people go out for drinks after work in groups?

An office/job where there aren't a lot of people is different that a floor with 250 people on it.

Go bust up that fantasy! Keep you friends close. Keep your enemies closer. You just had his child. He better respect you, or he's in the dog house. Honestly, take your kid to go meet his coworkers, and introduce yourself to her. Don't wait for an invitation. It's a SURPRISE!

The thing that really is worrying me is how depressed this has made me. I stopped thinking about it, but when he lied to her about her being on his facebook that seemed to bring up so many emotions for me... like I always wondered why he worked such long hours, and why he always seems so angry when he's at home from work. He regularly gets angry around me even if I am not even doing anything. He yells at me all the time....

Every weekend he yells at me saying I am not a good housewife. I am not doing my "women's work" properly. He always gets mad no matter what. I sometimes say "how can you always be angry? You do know you've yelled at me for 5 hours straight today and still won't stop." He just seems so miserable. The whole woman's work thing really bothers me too because I've been trying my HARDEST to be a mom. I feel like a failure. I feel like I was doing fine at first but now I'm even wondering if I should get depression medications. It's effecting me on a level that is really hard to live with. I am deeply depressed and it's only getting worse since this new girl has shown up. I feel like I've tried everything to make us a happy family.

Last week I was so depressed and exhausted I fell asleep with the bathtub running (I was to give our son a bath) and I fell asleep and the whole apartment flooded. He's been yelling at me over that for 4 days now saying stuff like "I have to come home to this sh*t? what kind of wife are you?" It's bad

I broke down crying for the first time and he hugged and apologized but was soon yelling at me again. Saying stuff like "I don't want to live with you, I don't like being around you 24/7,..." and a lot of other things. These arn't fleeting things he says either....it's really really common.

So he's got his whole fantasy life at work, and when he comes home he yells at me. I know what this is going to turn into. I can already tell he's probably intentionally seeing what happens with this girl.

Going to his work and peeing on my turf made me laugh, thanks tattoobunnie lol. At this point I find myself just too depressed to even try something like that. Like if he's so miserable with me and our son then me showing up at his work will probably tick him off even more. I feel like I need to go to therapy...I find myself thinking..."what's this going to turn into...a year from now?" and I don't like the looks of it.

You are now spinning this out of control. He likes attention from her. That doesn't mean he is doing anything more with her.

And if he is picking on you at home, it doesn't have to have ANYTHING to do with her.

The bath tub thing ---- is not a "small issue".

He doesn't have a "fantasy life" at work. What he has is a woman who thinks he's great and causes no issues --- because he isn't living with her.

I think you need to see your dr. about meds, and you need to sit down with your husband and talk about this.

I know the bathtub thing wasn't a small issue, but it was a total accident because our bathtub doesn't have one of those water-catcher holes (which I didn't know). It was an total accident.

OP, WHOA!!!!! Slow down!!!!!!!!!!

You are reading WAY too much into this. I'm not saying you can't have concerns but jumping from work/facebook friend to full blown affair is a pretty huge leap without any evidence besides hearsay.

Particularly if your BF hasn't ever cheated on you and has not given you any real reason to distrust him. IMVHO, just because he didn't react exactly as you did ISN'T evidence.

And even is she has a crush on him, it doesn't mean she'd DO anything about it. Or that he would.

It really sounds like she is just a work friend. Overacting to this is going to have the opposite effect than you intend it to.

If you start trying to police who he talks to, you will REALLY have a backlash on your hands. Trust me on this.

The more you act like he "can't be" friends with her, the more he's going to want to be and the more he'll conceal everything about her instead of being forthright.

How do you actually know that she likes him? You're taking his word for it. Maybe she's just friendly.

How do you actually know that's what his coworkers said? How do you know he wasn't interested or wanted the ego stroking?

Or if he just gave in to "peer pressure" that's incredibly stupid and immature. He could easily have said, " No guys. Sorry. That's a slippery slope"

But make no mistake, he's talking to her because he WANTS to. No other reason. Regardless of anything anyone else said.

To be totally honest with you, I can see both sides of this argument. I understand why this might give pause, but I also see his POV that he might just want to be friends with her.

Yes, it's possible he might get a kick out of flirting with her. But you can't stop this. Being married does NOT stop people from flirting, and again, it doesn't mean he'd actually DO anything about it.

But if you start acting crazy, guess what you become- "The crazy paranoid wife" while she becomes "the forbidden fruit". You look worse, she looks better.

I have seen cases like this and if you aren't careful it can become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

If you want him to be forthright with you about her, you have to treat this nonchalantly. It's a good thing that he's facebook friends with her instead of just secretly texting her.

Why don't your trust your BF to not cross a line? Why are you SO certain he's going to cheat on you?

This really isn't about her, this is about your own trust issues and why you think he's interested in her.

I think it's a fantasy life at work because he's choosing to continue talking to her to "feel good". He loves the attention. He's not dating her, his real life is with me, but he's talking with her fully knowing her deep interest in him.

By becoming a housewife, you've become his dependent and the problem with that is that you've lost control of your life and he now sees you as someone he can abuse and dump on because where are you going to go?

In your shoes, I'd put some pants on and reclaim control of my life and my self respect. Next time he opens his mouth like that, I'd tell him firmly and calmly that he cannot speak to me like that and if this continues, I'm out of here and will sue him for child support. The only way he'll ever speak to me or his son is through my lawyer. Give him a wake up call. Also, consider going back to work, so you have your own funds and life and do not depend on him. He is dumping on you because he thinks that you have no place to go and no way out. Remind him that you are free to leave at any time. Frankly, I would not marry him. Marriage will only make him worse since divorce is so much harder to get and makes it more difficult for you to get away. That girl is the least of your problems, your bf is abusing you verbally and you need to deal with that first.

I know that she likes him because she went up to his co-workers and asked them to tell him about her. She did so more then once asking his friends to say things to him that she was too shy to say like telling him that she's single.

Because she talked to his co-workers so much (since she was shy) they told him that she liked him...and that he would be a jerk not to talk to her.

Your boyfriend needs to establish boundaries at work. He should keep his personal life separate, but he also needs to be professional around it. He doesn't need you to send him flowers, baked cookies, tons of flowers, etc. He is an adult and he needs to establish his boundaries at his job by himself without your interference. He can start by simply telling his co-workers "Listen, I am in a committed relationship and raising a child. Your suggestion is inappropriate and unprofessional here in the work place." He needs to learn to shut them down when they nag him with "man up" by sending that message to them loud and clear.

Wow OP someone followed you at a store to pursue you again after you politely said no? I would of gotten confrontational at that point to make him feel like a creeper, but that's just me.

I don't think this has anything to do with co-worker pressure. This is work not high school. He spoke with her and continued speaking with her because he chose to . It's inappropriate for him to befriend a woman who is openly attracted to him unless she completely understands he is not available and you are given the opportunity to meet or interact with her.

I don't think you should tell your bf every time some guy talks to you or flirts with you unless you are seriously concerned about your safety. That's not honesty- it's oversharing and can get annoying/old fast.

As far as the bathtub - yes mistakes and accidents happen and hopefully you've evaluated why this happened (doing too much at once? something else?) because that could have been dangerous.

Yeah he actually did follow me a 2nd time. The first time it was around sunset, and he followed me around after I said no. Then a few days later he found me again and asked if the answer was still no. I told my bf because I wanted to know if this was stalker behaviour....plus I feel uncomfortable considering I'm only 5'5 and not very strong, so if anything happened my bf would know what to tell the police if this guy turned into a predator or something. (I'm paranoid!) But ...thing is I DID feel bad for this guy. I did feel like a jerk saying no. I felt really bad, but I said no anyway because the relationship with my boyfriend and our son was more important.

But my boyfriend isn't saying no to this girl. He's talking to her still. He's choosing not to be a jerk with her...despite it effecting me. It's like he cares more about her feelings then mine. I asked him "what if I had added this guy to my facebook and got his phone number and still talked to him. What if I kept talking to him about my life and letting him like me instead of just walking away. Would you like that?" and he said "No I'd want to punch this guy in the face ...." So he even agrees that what he is doing is totally ruining the trust.

He's admitted to liking the feeling he gets from her. Said he feels giddy and happy and like a million bucks since this girl has interest in him...which just makes me feel like a piece of crap.

like I always wondered why he worked such long hours, and why he always seems so angry when he's at home from work. He regularly gets angry around me even if I am not even doing anything. He yells at me all the time....

 

Every weekend he yells at me saying I am not a good housewife. I am not doing my "women's work" properly. He always gets mad no matter what. I sometimes say "how can you always be angry? You do know you've yelled at me for 5 hours straight today and still won't stop." He just seems so miserable..

Not to make you even more paranoid, but these are the tell tale signs that a person is not happy with their current life. This makes me really suspect that he in fact has a crush on her, I don't know if it's reciprocated or not, but he is infatuated. He perceives his life at the office as much more pleasurable than his life at home, and this is why he's constantly moody and yells at you all the time. It's not your fault, it's just that in his eyes you are the "same old", while the girl at the office is the new, fantasy girl, who strokes his ego and puts a new spring in his steps.

I don't think he'd be thrilled if you showed up unannounced at his work, in fact I think you would have to hear about it for a long time to come.