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"Doesn't see a future with me", Wants to take a break


Regn752

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Hi, I wanted to seek some advice as I'm having a hard time trying to work out how to fix an issue in my relationship. Wasn't sure which category this belonged in.

 

Me and my girlfriend are both 23, we have been dating for 3 years last October. About a week ago after what I thought was a nice evening at the movies and casual dinner, she said to me "I think I want to break up with you" and starts crying. I was initially surprised as I honestly wasn't really expecting it. She hadn't told me prior of her unhappiness at all, and had been keeping it to herself. I found this worrying that she didn't share it with me, and detrimental as we could have been working on fixing it much sooner rather than letting it build up to this.

 

I should note that she has had very little relationship experience outside of ours, I am her first "serious" boyfriend. I have had about 4 "serious" relationships.

 

So from what I remember she said she "doesn't see a future with me".

To me I don't see anything really blocking a future between us. We get along pretty well and we have never really had a serious fight before.

I was a student up until last year and am applying for jobs, and she works as a store manager at KFC. She said that our lives are at different points, which is kind of true but I don't see how it would really cause that much friction as they don't really impact each other. I am completely willing to move out with her when I get a job and can support it which from my knowledge is moving a relationship forward, right? Perhaps the time it's taken for us to move out together has contributed to her feelings?

 

She said she is also unhappy.

I'll admit I think I have noticed this. Sometimes she seems happy and sometimes she's not, it can also sometimes be hard to tell. Last year she went to the United States for about a month with her friends, We didn't have much contact and I was always finding ways to get her off my mind and not worry. When she finally returned, we were much closer than we'd been in quite a while, it felt like the beginning of our relationship again. She mentioned this last week, that it was good for a while but she has returned to being unhappy. I think we have become too predictable to each other, and our relationship has been a bit unvaried lately. She is also having difficulty being interested in sex and just never feels like it. I think that part can be fixed by me, but it's difficult to think of ways to make our relationship more 'interesting'.

 

I have also been thinking her job may be giving more stress on her than she thinks. Even though she has been working there many years now, Her shifts are often quite long (2pm-11pm, somtimes a bit longer), she's often walking around, lifting things, dealing with customers, sometimes gets burns on her arms from the fryers and she is often tired and grouchy when she gets home. Which is completely understandable, I would be too. But I think it could be having an effect on our relationship to some extent. Sometimes she can be so cute and lovable, and then so nasty and mean. I fear she could also despise me to some degree because I am unemployed at the moment and she works constantly.

 

She said she may want to "see whats out there"

I've heard this excuse before in my previous relationships. I feel it may be a valid excuse given her lack of relationship experiences. However I'll let her know if the time comes if she goes down this path and wants to get with another guy, it's either they'll have to get through me, or she can forget about me being there after. I won't let her walk all over me. I've been down that road before in my last (traumatic) relationship. In that relationship after our breakup, I let myself be used as someone to call when she was feeling lonely, or she'd often use me to drive her places or go clubbing then ditch me when she found another guy to hook up with. I was a sucker because I was still in love with her. I promised myself I would never let someone do that to me again, So in the end when she apologized for her behavior, said she'd changed and wanted me back, I turned her down. I'd do the same again.

 

She said she isn't "in love" with me, but loves me

It might just be a confusion of definitions. When she told me she isn't in love with me but still loves me. I said that being "in love" doesn't last for ever, it generally dies down after a couple years, and that staying together when that feeling dies down makes you realize you love that person. That person becomes more than just all those initial "bubbly" feelings. I believe an important way of knowing you love someone is when you can't imagine your life without them. Which is very true with how I feel about her.

 

Wants to take a break

This one I can understand. I would be completely fine with us doing this, so long as she doesn't see any guys. When I left her house last week (after much crying, and looking at each other, and kissing), our conversation left off at we were on a break. I have had breaks before in other relationships, but this one hasn't felt quite right. She didn't change her facebook status to single or anything which was a little odd, but I didn't give it much thought. We still text, but is when she feels noticeably most distant (doesn't say I love you, difficult to hold a conversation etc) but it's different when we are face to face. We hung out today, and it seemed very normal? I just went with it and it seemed as if last week didn't even happen, we didn't mention it to each other or anything. We talked to each other normally, cuddled each other, kissed each other, When she left for work and I left for home, she told me to wait up so she could kiss me goodbye?

 

So right now, I'm just seeing what happens. I really want to convince her to hold on to our relationship and have faith, it could just be a bump in our relationship that we may look back upon some day. I'm also trying to act cool about the whole situation, when I'm actually very afraid of losing her. I know it will do alot of damage to me emotionally.

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Well, you see ---- her wanting to see "what's out there" DOES mean seeing other guys.

 

Her lack of interest in sex, among other things --- is a sign that she has begun to distance herself emotionally from you.

 

You are, in fact, letting her wean off of you. If you are on a break --- no kissing and cuddling. Or hanging out.

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That's the thing. She is actively imagining and looking for a life without you and with someone else. Thus the not in love, wants to see what else is out there, doesn't see a future. Literally, she doesn't see spending a lifetime with you for whatever reason or reasons. Also agree that there is no such thing as a break, there is only a break up.

 

Call her out on it. Either you two are together or you are done. You can't have it both ways and agreeing to a break just makes you a doormat. You are basically saying to her that you'll wait around while she gets to run around and make up her mind if she wants you after all or not.

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'I love you but I'm not in love with you' is a classic let you down gently line. Time to accept what's happening here, and let her go. In fact, by now telling her you need a break from this BS you may retain an ounce of dignity. Follow this with strict no contact for a few weeks and you may even shock her in to doubting her decisions. Use this time to better yourself, find a job, and make yourself more desirable.

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Thanks for the feedback. Reading over it makes it seem so much more obvious what's happening. But because of how long we've been together I don't want to just give up on us so easily. You're right about the break thing, it's either you're broken up or together. I think I'll reject her if she asks to hang out again and cite we're "on a break remember?" or as dave_1966 suggested I'm over this break bs. I'd also love to get a job, but if only it where that easy, I've been applying for weeks now.

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She hadn't told me prior of her unhappiness at all, and had been keeping it to herself. I found this worrying that she didn't share it with me, and detrimental as we could have been working on fixing it much sooner rather than letting it build up to this.

 

If she felt that this was fixable, she wouldn't have kept it to herself.

 

If this was about something you are doing or have done, you'd have somewhere to go. She doesn't believe that the two of you are the match she wants for herself. So there's nothing 'wrong' to fix.

 

Most people are NOT our match. You're her first, so the odds of her hitting her perfect match with her first relationship are awfully small.

 

That's not a reflection on you, but it's also not something you can fix.

 

I'd stop the contact.

 

Head high.

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