Should I start a serious relationship with this girl? Need honest opinions

Hello forum,

I'll break it down as simple as possible.

- We're both 21 (I'm about 6 months older)

- We've known each other close to 10 years.

- We live 1100Km from each other

Short history

I believe our relation is beyond a mere sexual attraction as I genuinely care about this girl. Here's the reason why,

We dated for about a month back in high school (would hardly call it a relationship), it was more of an experiment with the whole 'dating' phase of our teenage years. She admitted her love for me within that month and it really freaked me out. I was 18 at the time and I had no intention of 'falling in love' with anyone at that age. Anyway we had a pretty smooth breakup. We got into a huge argument 6 months later, stopped talking for about 2 years. We started talking again about 5 months ago like nothing ever happened.

From what I understand, recovering from such a rough stage to the point where we put it all completely behind us isn't the most common scenario in the world. But we've done it.. hence why I think we've got a unique connection.

Current situation

She moved towns and is working full time while I'm still in the same town which we grew up in. We chat on Facebook everyday and video chat every other day. She tells me about her good days, her bad days and I do the same. She looks up to me and admires my morals/attributes. I look out for her and consistently give her advise in order to help her improve herself.

The factor between us which I'm most attracted to is how open we are with one another. She will often tell me personal details about her life which normal friends would usually avoid sharing. We seem to understand each other on almost every level. She'll tell me about her good days, bad days and I do the same. I really care for her and I want what's best for her. But I also want what's best for us. She's the closest thing to a Soul Mate which I've ever come accross.

A possible future

I can picture us raising a family together. There are however a few factors which really make me think twice about it.

- I'm religious while she's not (Any child of mine will a religious upbringing until a certain age where it will be up the child. She has told me that she's fine with this, but it brings a sense of uncertainty to the table.. I mean, what if she changes her mind when the kid starts to grow up? What then? We would have ruined our lives and lives of our children because we couldn't stick to our promises etc? Is it worth the risk?

- I'm academic while she's not. (I know this sounds horrible.. I'm aware.. To be honest I don't really care about this.. but it keeps coming to my mind. Perhaps I was brought up a certain way, idk. I just thought I'd mention it to get opinions.

What are your thoughts/experiences? Should we take the plunge into the unknown and make it official or should we find other people better suited to each other. I mean, you can't be too picky right? I doubt all successful relationships consist of partners who are 100% compatible..

Who is going to move?

Does she share your vision?

I think you guys need to date in person instead of discussing hypothetical kids.

I also think the lack of college degree bothers you a lot.

Well you've not been in a physical relationship yet - and by that I don't mean sex, but rather actual physical proximity, being together - and you've only reconnected 5 months ago. You have a lot to look forward to before you think of children. How come that's a decision factor right now?

My boyfriend was a high-school dropout, and he now manages a very successful business and a significant amount of employees who all have excellent academics. In life, attitude and drive makes a bigger difference than academics. That's not to say you shouldn't study! Because you definitely should

Just surprised you've mentioned things like academics, but haven't even talked about when you're going to meet? What the plan is about moving to the same city? etc...

And when you say take the plunge into the unknown and make it official... what do you mean? Are you thinking of proposing?

Who is going to move?

Does she share your vision?

She's talked about moving back for quite a while and she's specifically mentioned the fact that we'll be ablt to see more of each other.

My vision? As in the childs upbringing? I'm not sure if she "shares" it, but she's said that she ok with the prospect.

Well you've not been in a physical relationship yet - and by that I don't mean sex, but rather actual physical proximity, being together - and you've only reconnected 5 months ago.

We been in physical proximety for about 8 years before she moved.

You have a lot to look forward to before you think of children. How come that's a decision factor right now?

I'm not into dating and breaking up and dating and breaking up. I only take interest in women who I can see myself getting married to and living a happy future.

I plan to propose eventually if things go smoothly

You have been in proximity? Have you ever been intimate?

Yes we were intimate whilst going out. And a little after it ended as well. What does this have to do with anything?

She looks up to me and admires my morals/attributes. I look out for her and consistently give her advise in order to help her improve herself.

 

Yuck. This is not the basis for a relationship between equals.

She looks up to me and admires my morals/attributes. I look out for her and consistently give her advise in order to help her improve herself.

Yuck. This is not the basis for a relationship between equals.

I agree. The worst thing you can do for a relationship is to assume the role of parent, mentor, teacher, therapist, social worker or any kind of 'authority' figure. That's not just toxic for her and the relationship, it'll only turn dismal for you in a very short time.

Nobody wants to carry the burden of being a point person for someone else. That gets old quick, and if it doesn't, you've got a deeper issue.

While religion and education are surmountable, the distance is not--at least not for people so young and financially unable to jump a plane for regular visits.

I'd skip the whole seriousness thing--especially talk of any future together and children. Let her put her body where her mouth is and return to your town for good. Then you can pursue some actual dating and actually get to know her as a person beyond fantasy building.

Unless she returns to you location on her own, and not due to any promises of latching up with you, then this thing has no legs. It's all fantasy and talk. Plus, you don't want her returning just to be with you, because that puts you squarely in the Responsibility role discussed above. While that may sound flattering, just wait until the first time you don't WANT TO live up to the high expectations that this would set up for you--it's a bummer.

Pull back, be smart, date others and see if this girl ever materializes in you 'real' life.

Yes we were intimate whilst going out. And a little after it ended as well. What does this have to do with anything?

Because it sounds like this is all in YOUR head and she is not an integral part.

Enabling relationships turn sour in the end. Either the enabler grows tired of the burden or the person being enabled outgrows the dependence and moves on.

I don't think this relationship is/was healthy.

"We live 1100Km from each other"

1100Km

1100Km

1100Km

1100Km

For the love of god man. I never understand why people think long-distance relationships early on work. You are 21 years old! You are young and there are plenty of fish in the sea. For the love of god, do not, I repeat, do not date this girl when she is going to live some 600+ miles away from you! That's an entire geographical coordinate on Earth. You are going to be miserable that far apart.

Besides that, she is not religious, which could cause angst with you (even though you don't realize it) and your family some day. And she doesn't plan on going to school or anything in this day and age? She's not an "academic"? Don't be blind. Let this one go and move on. Trust me.

A few nights ago, this girl asked to speak with me. After a period of conversation she admitted her love for me and that she has been deeply in-love with me for many years.

I've never had a girl admit their feelings so boldly which lead me to consider whether or not she's toying with me. She started crying as soon as she told me... She said that she's not happy in her current relationship and I consoled her and attempted to help her find a solution. She was very grateful. I asked her if she thought it would be a good idea for me to leave her life.. to not distract her current relationship.. she instantly refused to take that into consideration.

We came to the conclusion that she needs to figure out whether she wants to carry on in her current relationship or consider taking things more seriously with me. I basically told her that I'm flattered that she's in-love with me etc, but I refuse to take anything further as long as she's in a committed relationship and that she needs to prioritize her partner more than anything. I believe that if I was to agree to starting a relationship she would leave her partner at a snap of a finger. This doesn't seem morally correct to me so I've decided to not have any major influence like that.

We discussed why it was that we weren't in a relationship. First and foremost I clearly stated that her current relationship is a big factor in why I refuse to discuss this topic with her (I try to avoid these conversations with her as much as possible. It irritates her, but I'm doing right by her and her partner).. She told me that she'll embrace and learn of my religion. Children came up and she told me that she's wanted to start a family with me for years (I usually saw this as childish.. but she's much older now.. and I'm starting to take her intentions a more seriously).

This girl is undeniably mad about me and has been for many many years.. am I her soulmate and vice versa?

In the meantime I've come to conclusion that I don't care whether she's academic or not. Love is love and no 'certificate' should have such power of our decisions..

Let us know when she breaks up with her bf...

She sounds way too willing to adapt and change for someone that she has not actually dated. It IS childish. Were you to date, her love may run out pretty quickly. She obviously idolizes you AND is in a bad place at the moment, so you are right to try to put some boundaries between you. I would suggest that you put your friendship on even more of a backburner at this time so that she and you can figure yourselves out on your own terms, and make those boundaries a lot clearer.

This doesn't seem morally correct to me so I've decided to not have any major influence like that.

You're already influencing her, and its all hot air. You've set yourself up badly as the guy she wants to leapfrog onto. You've set her up to witness her capacity for disloyalty.

If you want to be this girl's rebound, you can do that--it's not illegal. It'll feel like a great win for about a month. Then you'll start to look for signs that she's still attached to her ex, even while you'll wonder if she's not setting you up for the same disloyalty she displayed toward him--and every guy in the universe will be suspect.

Is that really how you want to live?

Hello everyone. I have finally regained access to my account and would appreciate your further thoughts on the matter. Firstly, thank you for your previous responses back in 2015. I really do appreciate you all taking the time to read my story and understand my perspective and another thank you to those who are viewing this for the first time. Your input would be of great assistance.

A brief update

• I have been single since the date the OP was created. The girl has been in her current relationship for 2 years.

• Me and this girl keep in contact - usually a decent back and forth message once or twice a month. I consider her a friend for life.

• From what she's told me, she has no feelings for me anymore. I still have deep seeded feelings for her (I told her this about 1 year ago when explaining why I couldn't bear meeting her current partner).

The story continues...

She seems quite happy in her current relationship and that's great. I'm happy that she's happy and I do my best to stay out of their way - Homewrecking is not in my blood. I think I still have feelings for her... naturally enough I guess... She was my first and I continue to care about her to this day. Like I mentioned, she's happy with her partner and she considers me a friend and it's somewhat inevitable for these two worlds to collide and some point or another. This is where it gets tricky for me.

My problem

She has now, on a number of occasions, talked about me visiting her town (same one from the OP) to see her and even mentioned staying at her place with her partner. HOLD UP. That's my first reaction to that idea. Warning alarms have rung and I'm left confused as hell. Under no circumstance would I ever want to stay with the girl I have deep seeded feelings for and her partner. That would destroy me.

Now, I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid or incredibly naive to the situation. I haven't been in a great of deal of relationships in the past and don't have experience with how these situations can play out. My main question is, "What is she thinking, asking me to stay with her partner". Surely she knows how awkward and uncomfortable that would be for me. I've made it clear in the past that I have no intention of meeting her partner anytime soon due to my deep seeded feelings for her. Is she trying to help me 'get over' my feelings and fully embrace her partner or could there be something more sinister in the works here? This is all very odd for me.

I need help figuring out where her mind is at. What do you think her intentions are here? Thank you for your input.

All the best,

Sunnyy

 

I need help figuring out where her mind is at. What do you think her intentions are here?

No, you don't. You've spent years stoking a crush on someone who's in a relationship instead of putting your eyes on your own paper and building a healthy life for yourself beyond her.

That makes no sense.