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Lonely With Her: Ramblings of a madman.


Coldarmy13

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My thread was close in the dating forum so at the request of some im starting this journal.

 

 

 

This could be a quick and short journal post.. it feels like now, she does not contact me whatsoever unless we hang out. Is that someone needing space? I dont know.. maybe.

(12:42 am after i hadnt heard from her, she had the day off)

Me: whats up?

Her: Not much..

Me: You okay? You gotta get up early?

Her: 11ish.. not super early i guess

Me: But youre okay? Seem a little distant lately?

Her: Yea Im fine... just kinda late and im sleepy.

Me: Okay just wanted to make sure. J

Me: Just dont really hear from ya when i dont see ya is all.

 

Naturally, havent heard anything from her since. She avoided the question about being distant. Ive stayed over her place enough to know she checks her phone right when she wakes up. She just chose not to respond.

 

I honestly am starting to feel like she doesnt care. Im thinking about bringing up my concerns and basically talking about what im feeling now. The last couple of days just have a painful gut feeling that something isnt right.

 

Am I going to maybe risk everything, speak my mind, see where shes at, tell her what i need in a relationship. Or just continue like this..

 

... i dont know.

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Naturally, havent heard anything from her since. She avoided the question about being distant. Ive stayed over her place enough to know she checks her phone right when she wakes up. She just chose not to respond.

 

I wouldn't bring up any concern. She is a coward and avoiding answering a simple question. Save yourself the torture and continuous pain and break up with her. No reason for discussion. She is probably thinking of doing it herself, hense the lack of communication but she is to big of a coward to do it so instead just ignores you.

 

Do yourself a favour and just tell her its over.

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Wow, after such a great weekend, this feels like a big cool down! This happened after the "you are only after sex" talk, right?

 

 

I honestly am starting to feel like she doesnt care. Im thinking about bringing up my concerns and basically talking about what im feeling now. The last couple of days just have a painful gut feeling that something isnt right.

 

^^ I agree...I think it is time for another talk...ugggh. This relationship is too new for all this concern. You both should be really all in and having fun with each other and she is not all in.

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She said probably not tonight that she had to get up earlier tomorrow.

 

I said that I wouldn't have to stay long that I just wanted to talk to her.

 

She said how about tomorrow and then asked what I wanted to talk about.

 

I said I guess I wanted to talk about me. Must've gone back to work, no reply.

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I can't worry about walking on egg shells anymore. I have to tell her exactly how I feel. I have to know what she wants out of this relationship.

 

I expect her to not react favorably. I can't get any more emotionally involved without knowing. It has to be a two way street. It has to also be about what I want and not just trying so hard to accommodate her.

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I can't worry about walking on egg shells anymore. I have to tell her exactly how I feel. I have to know what she wants out of this relationship.

 

I expect her to not react favorably. I can't get any more emotionally involved without knowing. It has to be a two way street. It has to also be about what I want and not just trying so hard to accommodate her.

 

Totally agree! You cannot get more attached. I know its hard to bring up. I am sooo glad that my guy is not contacting me anymore now because I was also walking on eggshells. I didn't want to say anything to him that would make him feel like I wanted a commitment or to ask him what we were. I would hate to be in 6 months with all these feelings for him and have him do what he is doing now, going dark with no explanation to why even after I asked him out right. I know he is sick, but it doesn't take much to let someone know something, anything when asked. I would never do that to someone.

 

So what Im saying is it is so much better to know early in the relationship and not wait until you are all in.

 

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

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Waiting to hear if she concedes to me stopping by tonight, knowing I'd like to talk. I sent a message saying that it would mean a bunch if I could. Just a drink and a chat and I said to not worry. If not, it'll have to wait until tomorrow which will make for a long and miserable day for me.

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Is it possible to back off and let things happen without micromanaging everything - all the time?

 

Yes. .you do manage to sit on your hands and not act on it . .but keeping yourself emotionally in check is a whole 'nother story.

 

You have to know that this anxiety mindset spills through all the cracks and undermines most of your actions. So all the `what to do next' advise is futile.

 

Actions without genuine intent are not typically successful.

 

I dated someone very much like you once and I used the analogy of 'letting a seed grow'. . it felt as if he would dig it up daily to see how it's doing and ask me about it.

Just plant it. .nuture it. .and then leave it alone, please!

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I'm glad you started a journal instead of continuing the thread.

 

I briefly read the last few posts on the thread, it sounds like she has trust issues with men in general, that all they want is sex. That's a really unhealthy and incorrect view. She probably called you over that night to "test you" so to speak, see if you only came over for sex, when in fact any normal, reasonable person in a relationship would have expected to have sex in this situation, unless something was preventing it like one of you were sick or something. It's a self fulfilling prophecy, the more you try to prove something and try to find things that indicate you are right, the more likely you'll find it. And when she finds her "proof" whatever that is, she will say I knew it! Then bail.

 

She may be keeping you at arms length due to her own fear and issues. Staying detached and ready to leave at any given point. As for what you should do, I think you are right that you need to have a serious talk to her about how her behaviour is making you feel. Tell her her lack of communication and general lukewarm attitude towards you is not working for you and you want more out of a relationship, if she can't give that to you, you are afraid you are going to have to regrettably end this. Also tell her that you understand she is skeptical about men's intention in general, but you believe you have proven yourself more than genuine and serious about her over the time you have been dating. That you don't have any more ways to prove your feelings to her and nor do you think you should need to, this is a relationship and both parties need to pull their weights, it is not up to one party to prove anything to the other or to win them over.

 

It's about time she gets a hard dose of reality (ie you will leave if she keeps going with this).

 

Be calm and rational when you go about this. Stop feeling insecure or walk on eggshell or trying to reach out to her or do anything just to hold on to her because you really like her. If she has issues (and sounds like she does), you need to see it for what it is and be ready to walk away if the conversation doesn't go well and/or nothing changes.

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Good for you for starting a journal. I think this is a more appropriate place to let out the crazy - lol.

 

I think you will (eventually) talk yourself into the proper solution.

 

I do think, though, with the conversation today it's more of a push-pull than I had seen before. She seems uninterested and you seem insecure. Insecurity on a man is unattractive. Lack of interest can feed into insecurity. Push-pull.

 

Anxious-avoidant.

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So ridiculous. Now that I told her nonchalantly to do her thing and feel better, since she said she felt like crap and had to wake up early, now in comparison to her normal communication, is Chatty Cathy. Nice small talk about a range of things. This is all I wanted. Anytime I've wanted to have this talk it seems like she does or says something to where I question why I need to say anything. Also, she says she think she's getting her second period this month today.

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I still know I need to talk to her, supposed to get together tomorrow night.

 

Notaladys post did help me with how I would word things or approach the conversation. I know the first thing I want to address is the sex issue. That's specific enough to break the ice and see where it goes. If she has trust issues with me even after everything Ive done and said to her.. Then it's exactly what she posted above. There's nothing more I can do, nor should I need to.

 

Leaving her would be the toughest thing I e had to do in a long time if conversation shuts down or she can't understand where I'm coming from. I plan to be non confrontational and rational. Hope it goes well, even if I can't see where it could.

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Exactly what I thought when I read that Janut.

 

Her: shark week part 2! ?! Kill me!

Me: is that even possible?!

Her: apparently.. Or I'm dying.

 

She said she did switch to a different type of BC that was supposed to "make her week less intense". That's the only thing I could believe has something to do with it. Other than that, I think it's bs.

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If she has been on steady birth control, she should not have 2 periods in a month unless A) she stopped one for a period of time and then started back up again on another one, or B) something is wrong and she should go to the doctor right away. Birth control regulates periods so that you only get them once every 28-odd days.

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Oh for cripes sake ---- switching BC will definitely screw up your cycle.

 

the lack of trust, the lack of communication, the lack of affection and interest ----- is overwhelming.

 

I agree. my lack of trust stems from her behavior though. I haven't been a jealous or non trusting boyfriend since high school.

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Im sitting here at work, wondering if other than addressing what she said about sex, which is a must, whether the problem is just still the same as before. Maybe shes extending herself communication and affection wise as much as shes comfortable with right now. Maybe I shouldn't press the issue too much and just push her all the way away. I haven't dated anyone seriously in a couple years, same as her. I just keep thinking about how she mentioned in our last talk that she does like me and hasn't really dated anyone in a long time so she just isn't sure how to act or what to say.

 

It says a lot about what I think of her that ive stayed the course this whole time, despite everything ive felt/posted here. I want this to work more than anything. There are people here and irl that think that shes being too cold and there are also people who think everything sounds good. She said yes to be my girlfriend not even two weeks ago. She did meet my friends on Friday and expressed that she liked them. I said the same about her friends that I met the same night. There are so many things I like about her that I don't really acknowledge to myself enough. Its just her relationship behavior that bothers me, maybe more than it should.

 

I think shes beautiful even when we wake up in the morning where people look their worst.

Her body is everything ive ever wanted in someone physically.

The way she smells is intoxicating. If we cuddle, when I smell her hair I cant help but kiss her on the top of her head.

I love the way she dresses, carries herself.

Shes so polite and has great manners.

I love the way she laughs.

I love her sense of humor.

Shes generous both in terms of time (amount we see each other), and money.

Sex with her is probably the best ive ever had.

I love how soft her skin is/feels.

I love her little quirks/tendancies/facial expressions in reaction to things.

 

I REALLY don't want to do the wrong thing and lose her because I feel I don't hear enough from her in between our pretty frequent plans. Although, I don't feel selfish for wanting more, because I feel I give so much. We live about 30 minutes away from each other. Its worth noting that the whole time ive been the one to drive there. Shes been to my house/city twice, I picked her up and dropped her off both times. Its because she doesn't trust her car on the freeway, she lives about 5 minutes from work. im worried its still to soon to bring so much seriousness into this. Its been 2 months and a few days. Im stuck between manning up and getting over my stuff, which is because I haven't been attached to someone like this in a very long time. maybe I need to play it cool and become more aloof. Do my own thing, as many recommended I do. Stop stressing and maybe self sabotaging myself because of fear that may not be completely justified. I admittedly, dont have as much going for myself right now that id like to. Probably a large reason Ive worried like I have. While at the same time, I question why she isn't more about me at this point than she is. Its funny, that in my last serious relationship that last 2.5 years, I would've loved to have the space in between when we saw each other that exists now. The last 8 months or so of that relationship was rocky, but I do feel more like my ex that always communicated and sometimes too often. I know that eventually drove me away. Now I have not texted/called NEARLY as much as her but why do I feel the need for contact now?

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