Asking your ex for a temporary place to stay

Hi everyone, I have a really nerve wrecking situation at the moment and I could use some advice and thoughts. My ex and I broke up about 2 years ago, he was the love of my life and we broke up for a whole bunch of reasons but mainly because he couldn't handle a serious commitment (we were together for about 2 years). It was a big fight that ended us officially but it was more on his side that we parted. We went through phases of not talking for a few months then said hi, then hooked up, then didn't hear from each other and so on. We now hook up every say 6 months or so, never talk about our feelings, just basically hang out and sleep together (both of us still single). I think its clear that he hasn't any serious feeling for me because he hardly shows emotion but every now then says he is thinking about me blah blah blah, dont know if thats anything to go with. I am still madly in love with him (I dont tell him and never will, I am just happy to spend any time with him because he means a lot to me) he doesn't make me feel special but he still opens up to me more than I think he does anyone else. So lets be clear I have accepted the situation and still try to be there for him how and when he needs me. It kills me most of the time but what can I do. Anyway, thats just some background, I am moving out my apartment soon and my new house is only available in a month so I need a place to stay for an entire move. I had made plans to stay with a friend but that fell through. My parents are living in another city so theres no one else I can ask. I definitely cant afford a hotel for a month! So, I was thinking of asking him if I can stay with him for the month, I will offer to pay half his rent of course and will try keep out of his way so that he knows I has no hidden agendas. He has a spare room so I wont sleep with him and I work a lot so he will hardly see me. To me its a desperate move, having no other option, but also got me thinking its a way to see how much he really cares for me. He could say no (for obvious reasons), knowing that I have nowhere else, or he could say yes because he cares and will help a friend out. He also stays closer to town so it will be a lot more convenient for me traveling to work each day. I have been building up he courage to ask him but just thought for a minute am I being ridiculous to think this could work or that it isn't a bad idea? A part of me thinks that it could be the ultimate test to see if he cares for me at least as a friend or if I am just an object that he can use when he feels like it. Yes I still have strong feelings for him but I think the worst is over and I have accepted it wont happen. I am trying to work on a friendship but I dont even know if that exists really.So am I out of my mind to think that it is ok to ask him if I can stay? Is that out of line for an ex? Could it be used as a test? I mean if he says no, I it will be seriously clear that I mean nothing to him and then I need to seriously back off as a friend. If he says yes, it could strengthen our friendship, which is what Id like. I dont know, please offer me your thoughts. Thanks

It is completely out of line. You don't need to test him...and you really aren't friends. You need to move on.

If you can afford to pay half his rent, you can get a one month lease at a hotel.

Your ruse is too transparent.

That would put him in a very awkward and uncomfortable situation. And I don't think it would be fair nor kind towards him to do that; especially when you do have a secret agenda of testing him at play here.

If you have accepted how things are, then I guess it's okay to ask. I mean I know you want to see what he does, but you also do need a place to stay. I've been at points in my life where I had to ask someone (less desirable) for help. When I say less desirable I mean...I wish I didn't have to ask them, but I needed the help. Most of the times they were happy to help (exes, old friends, people I previously didn't get along with). What I mean is...if you really don't have anyone else to ask, then why not? He may be an EX, but he's still a person who could possibly help with your moving situation. If he says no, then maybe you can finally move on? If he says yes, then you will have the help you need to pull this move off?

I understand other people's answers to this, saying don't do it, but the reason I say maybe you should is because you said you have accepted how things are. If that's the case then yeah go for it. Maybe you could be friends? I've had exes become friends in the past, and it actually strengthened my acceptance with not being with them. I am still friends to one to this very day and as much as I used to like him, I don't (in that way) anymore.

OP has NOTaccepted this at all. She wants to test him...and use him, all at the same time. It is very selfish.

i guess it wont be fair but it would then give me a clear indication of where I stand. I was also thinking of looking for alternatives even if he does say yes, I would ideally not stay for an entire month. I am just so unsure as to how he would feel about this. At the same time I really need a place to stay and he's would be perfect

You don't need to test him. You know how he feels about you. You've been apart for two years with no changes. You hook up for sex every once in a while, nothing more.

What you have said doesn't add up. If you truly had intentions of staying out of his way then you wouldn't be seeing it as chance for anything. Bad, bad idea.

If you truly had accepted that it "won't happen" then why are you talking of testing him. Makes no sense. Really bad idea.

You don't want to be friends. You want much, much more than. No goods come from trying to be friends with someone you are still in love with. Look at exactly where you are two years after you broke up. Time to let go and start moving on.

Yeah this is my trail of thought exactly, and believe me I have accepted the relationship is not meant to be but I do want to be his friend for many reasons but mostly because he has no one really in this city and I know he is going through a rough time and does not talk about personal things to others. Believe me I have tried to not care about him but how can I if I do and theres nothing wrong with that. I would not attempt even in the slightest way to dig in the past when it comes to him. I just care deeply for his happiness and he gives me clear indications that he needs a real friend who cares.

No, he wouldn't. It would be very intrusive and uncomfortable for him. Any company for a month is intolerable...an ex with whom you broke up with because you didn't want a relationship would be intolerable.

It is a moot point as the chances of him saying yes approaches zero.

So just to play devil's advocate here. How cool are you going to be with this all if he:

a) refuses and is put out by the request, because he has a suspicion you're using this opportunity to "test" him.

b) he lets you stay but makes zero effort on his part to do anything, but let you stay in the room, ask for the money and otherwise treat you exactly like he's treated you for the last two years--I.e. an occasional F-buddy and nothing more.

c) you get a clear front-row seat to his dating life and his interest in other women becomes painfully clear and he makes no effort to hide it--I.e. "Hey, I'll be home late tonight, going out to a club, so see you 'round" then a girl comes to the door and picks him up and it's suddenly clear who he's going clubbing with. Or worse, you wake up to find him and a date laughing and talking in his bedroom and you get to hear it all through the walls. Or some other equally painful incident like that.

I know you say he's single, but that doesn't mean the boy is celibate or waiting for you. And if it's been two years then yeah, it's over on his side for good. Even sleeping with him hasn't brought him back, why on earth would this?

If you had no other agenda and you really didn't give two tosses for him outside of good friend who hopes he'll find a good girl to love that isn't you then I'd say sure, ask. But this reeks of some other motive and as mhowe points out if you can afford to pay half his rent you can afford to rent something temporary.

On the other hand, this might just be the opportunity to really help you see it is indeed over since I think if he says yes you are going to get a very harsh reality adjustment that for him it's been over all along, he just likes free sex now and again. But he still loves his freedom more.

i guess it wont be fair but it would then give me a clear indication of where I stand. I was also thinking of looking for alternatives even if he does say yes, I would ideally not stay for an entire month. I am just so unsure as to how he would feel about this. At the same time I really need a place to stay and he's would be perfect

 

You should be looking at alternatives regardless. And, to be quite frank, I don't understand where the confusion is as to where you stand.

 

If you really need a place to stay for a month then anywhere would be perfect.

 

Honestly it is an absolutely ludicrous idea.

I understand other people's answers to this, saying don't do it, but the reason I say maybe you should is because you said you have accepted how things are.

I think it's quite clear she hasn't moved on in the slightest.

Yeah this is my trail of thought exactly, and believe me I have accepted the relationship is not meant to be but I do want to be his friend for many reasons but mostly because he has no one really in this city and I know he is going through a rough time and does not talk about personal things to others. Believe me I have tried to not care about him but how can I if I do and theres nothing wrong with that. I would not attempt even in the slightest way to dig in the past when it comes to him. I just care deeply for his happiness and he gives me clear indications that he needs a real friend who cares.

You haven't accepted it AT ALL .... that much is obvious. If you had you wouldn't be having sex with him every six months or so and you certainly wouldn't need to test him. The only reason you want to be friends is because you want to keep him in your life in whatever form you can because you haven't moved on from him.

If you want stop caring about him ... then you cut all ties and stop having sex with him. Allow yourself to let go properly. You haven't done that yet and, in fact, are looking for reasons (and ways) to hang on to him all the more.

You don't need to test him.

 

If you truly had accepted that it "won't happen" then why are you talking of testing him. Makes no sense

Please dont misunderstand, I want to see if our friendship stands a chance or if we both are too damaged by the relationship. We were very good friends before. Surely you can see where I am coming from, it not about testing him for anything else but to see if a real friendship exists.

Please dont misunderstand, I want to see if our friendship stands a chance or if we both are too damaged by the relationship. We were very good friends before. Surely you can see where I am coming from, it not about testing him for anything else but to see if a real friendship exists.

Not on this I can't. I've been in many a situation but I would never put myself in a situation such as this. I understand it is hard to let go but you aren't helping yourself in that respect because you are keeping him in your life and being intimate with him. You can't be friends with someone you are still in love with. Maybe once you have moved on emotionally you can but you haven't given yourself the opportunity to do that yet. If you were to move in with him for a short period of time you WILL end up having sex and it WILL mess with your head. Thoughts of friendship will be the furthest thing from you mind at that point.

Please dont misunderstand, I want to see if our friendship stands a chance or if we both are too damaged by the relationship. We were very good friends before. Surely you can see where I am coming from, it not about testing him for anything else but to see if a real friendship exists.

You're not ready for that. You've admitted you still have strong feelings for him. When one side has these feelings and the other simply doesn't, it will NEVER work and will leave you more heartbroken than before.

I posted this yesterday in another thread, but I went to see my (then) girlfriend over Christmas break. We'd discussed breaking up with each other a week or two before the trip (she found she had lost all feelings for me; I was still madly in love with her), but we decided I'd go anyway since it was already paid for (and non-refundable), presents had been bought for our respective families, and perhaps to see if we could salvage anything of the relationship.

How do you think it felt to have something I wanted to badly in front of me for a week straight, but (a) know that any move I made would be rejected, (b) be actually rejected if I made a move (i.e. perhaps I read a sign wrong), © be constantly reminded through her actions that she didn't love me anymore?

I'll let you in on the secret. It was pure torture, and I ended up paying hundreds of dollars in flight change/cancellation fees to leave just 2-3 days early than my original planned departure. Given that I'm still going through school and am on a tight budget, that should give you some indication of how painful it was.

Save yourself and don't do it. You're not ready for a friendship unless you lose your feelings for him. He is not "too damaged" by the relationship, but YOU are. The reason for that is you keep sticking around to sleep with him or hear he thinks about you. That pain you feel inside when you know he no longer wants you except for the occasional booty call/ego boost? That's 100% on you, dear.

I'm sure true friendship is possible between you two in the future, but not now. You need to move on.

Please dont misunderstand, I want to see if our friendship stands a chance or if we both are too damaged by the relationship. We were very good friends before. Surely you can see where I am coming from, it not about testing him for anything else but to see if a real friendship exists.

I don't see where he was damaged by the relationship at all. He ended it and rather emphatically.

These are good points to think about and to be honest a part of me really wants the harsh truth smacked in my face. I mean if he says no I would have every reason to believe that I am nothing to him. Friends help friends. It would be nice if he said yes, I would be a lot more confident to care for him as a friend and if he says no I would be smacked hard enough to see the clear picture. Yes I know its pretty clear we are history but I am not referring to a relationship, because even I would not jump into one with him after what I went through. Its a weird connection we have, it was always more brother sister than boyfriend girlfriend, guess that is why I would consider a friendship.

To be honest , the first half of your op had me thinking , yeah why the hell not ..its a means to an end , not perfect ...but ...

Then came the second part with the word test ...and it all fell apart for me and it will most likely fall apart for you , he has made his feelings clear , and you and him just hook up , and I doubt been in his place for a month will make him change his mind , if anything it will probably be the end of even the hook up .

These are good points to think about and to be honest a part of me really wants the harsh truth smacked in my face. I mean if he says no I would have every reason to believe that I am nothing to him. Friends help friends. It would be nice if he said yes, I would be a lot more confident to care for him as a friend and if he says no I would be smacked hard enough to see the clear picture. Yes I know its pretty clear we are history but I am not referring to a relationship, because even I would not jump into one with him after what I went through. Its a weird connection we have, it was always more brother sister than boyfriend girlfriend, guess that is why I would consider a friendship.

Brother/sister that hook up every six months or so?

These are good points to think about and to be honest a part of me really wants the harsh truth smacked in my face. I mean if he says no I would have every reason to believe that I am nothing to him. Friends help friends. It would be nice if he said yes, I would be a lot more confident to care for him as a friend and if he says no I would be smacked hard enough to see the clear picture. Yes I know its pretty clear we are history but I am not referring to a relationship, because even I would not jump into one with him after what I went through. Its a weird connection we have, it was always more brother sister than boyfriend girlfriend, guess that is why I would consider a friendship.

I'm sorry, but brother/sister don't sleep with each other every 6 months. You're trying to justify this to yourself, and you're grasping at straws. Listen to the several opinions in this thread telling you it's a bad idea. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, take it as such.

You know how I can tell you haven't accepted it's over yet? Because you're contradicting yourself now. You've said you've accepted it, but now you suddenly want "to be smacked hard enough to see the clear picture". You say you want nothing more than friends, but are still "madly in love" with him.

Please, we know you're heading straight for a freight train and don't want to see you get you get absolutely crushed. Take the advice in this thread.

Edit: Let me ask you this. You'll be staying with him for a month. How would you feel if you saw him come back one night to sleep with another woman? That should explain your feelings to you quite well.

So lets be clear I have accepted the situation

You really haven't.

There is that chance you will have to deal with whoever he's dating. He might have a girl over. He might not have a girl...then suddenly become interested in one. Are you okay with that? If you are...I don't see a real problem. The thing is ...if you still like him so much, can you be friends with him? If not now...what about later? How long are you going to hold on to this idea? If you still have strong feelings, this move to a new house might turn into a really depressing experience.

If your fine with it though...then go for it. If not then maybe this is what needs to happen for you to move on for good. Or, you could just ask someone else. I don't think this move will determine anything. I think time will. Maybe you should burn the bridge now, because what if you keep getting hurt. Why not start off this move with a good start?

Brother/sister that hook up every six months or so?

Ok so clearly that was the wrong choice of words. I meant that our bond was more than a romantic one, our friendship felt stronger than the romantic relationship part, we were truly connected and a big part of me knows that taking it further might have been a mistake because we both miss the times when we were just friends. Do you see...yes I do love him and always will until I dont. But that does not mean that I cant accept it wont work. When we see each other its not just sex, when talk we share what we have been up to, photos of events, work, everything friends talk about, we avoid talking about our past relationship. Can no one see that I am needing reassurance that he is truly a friend (ignore the benefits part for now) or is that just a beat around the bush to sleep with me. I understand why everyone is thinking Im the ex who is trying desperately to have him back but I really am not and I have been the reason why we go for months without talking. I have made many many adjustments to cut him out and get over him. The fact that I still love him does not make me unable to be a true friend

If someone came to you seeking re-assurance to kill themselves, would you give it to them? Extreme comparison, but that's essentially what's going on in this thread.

Regardless of whether this is a ploy to get him back or not, it will end in immense heartbreak/pain for you. Seriously, LOOK at all the opinions in this thread... They're not even close to being divided on this topic.

These are good points to think about and to be honest a part of me really wants the harsh truth smacked in my face. I mean if he says no I would have every reason to believe that I am nothing to him. Friends help friends. It would be nice if he said yes, I would be a lot more confident to care for him as a friend and if he says no I would be smacked hard enough to see the clear picture. Yes I know its pretty clear we are history but I am not referring to a relationship, because even I would not jump into one with him after what I went through. Its a weird connection we have, it was always more brother sister than boyfriend girlfriend, guess that is why I would consider a friendship.

OP, you really are kidding yourself here. You keep on using the words "friends" but friends don't have sex with each other. You aren't friends, you only see each other every six months to have sex. You don't want to be friends, in reality you want more than that. Neither do you want to care for him as a friend, you want to care for him because you are in love him ... and, yes, you sooooooo would jump back into a relationship with him. It really is time to be absolutely honest with yourself here.

If all you wanted was friendship, you would have stopped hooking up for sex and you would be hanging out more as friends. You certainly wouldn't need to test him. You would be happy with things the way they were and, well, you would be able to ask him for a place to say and you would be confident that he would say yes (without needing to test him).... because that is after all what friends do ... but that isn't what this is. Not by a long shot.