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Thread: Musings

  1. #81
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Someone is turning me off....

    I don't know if I've said this before but recently rick has been turning me off. He will mention other females in passing. This is the same thing my ex doc did that turned my feelings off twds him. I want to feel like the only girl even if I'm not. A friend says he's probably doing it to make me jealous or get a reaction. Make himself seem desirable.

    All it's doing is turning me off. Here's an example: the other day he mentioned a woman he'd talked to before he met me. She moved to marry aa guy out of state, that didn't work so she's moving back here and she text him out the blue to tell him this. ....I think we were talking about how ppl use you all back up plans: but why tell me this???

    Another example: yesterday we were discussing rate drops from uber (a taxi type service), and he said "yeah I have a friend that recently got a new car and she was thinking about doing uber..." He has never mentioned this person before. I know all his real friends, they're guys.

    This tells me he interacts with other girls and is probably still looking on those sites: total turn off. And we still don't have a title after a year...I see why...leaves him open to do whatever.

    Last night I didn't talk to him on purpose ,, I told him "I won't be available to talk tonight, Imma be busy" but I didn't say doing what. I was trying to make his mind wonder....childish I know but I'm tired of other girls being mentioned. I'll say that too next time he does it .

    I've always felt even if I am not the only girl, make me feel ikr it. I wanna feel special, not like one of many. I don't believe these r ppl he's talks to frequently, they just popped up out the blue. But still I think it feeds his ego. Six guys contacted my phone in the past two days but I'd never tell him that. It's tacky

  2. #82
    Bronze Member Case_1983's Avatar
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    hey ll. how's things?

  3. #83
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Case_1983
    hey ll. how's things?

    hi case, well ive been kinda on a self imposed exile. working alot, thinking, and thinking some more. im about to do an update

  4. #84
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Updates

    recently i went on a trip to jamaica and stay in a beautiful luxury resort. i was there also for the wedding of my 1st cousin to his wife. the wedding was beautiful. the trip was what i needed. i felt peaceful. calm. free. no one asking for anything. no confusion. no drama. it gave me clarity.

    that was a few weeks ago. now im back and it's been awhile since an update here. it's crazy cause i feel like im more open in this journal than i am with anyone.


    So ....no new news really about rick. same old same old. but i grow tired. i want more. i looked at my cousins wedding and thought...i want that too. not necessarily a wedding, but at least a man that claims me. someone to have fun with and count on. yes, i do still have my (open) relationship with my BF of 5 yrs (in nov.). however he doesnt put in the time i feel i need. the other night i got really lonely. i mean REAL lonely. i was putting the pics from my vacation into my album and playing music. then i finished that. then it hit me out of the blue. it was such a feeling of "alone" that i began to tear up. rick was off at a guy friends house playing video games, chad was sleep from work at his home (as usual). ive begun to feel this feeling frequently. im also making a new change in my work life...a slight tweak. there are a lot of changes taking place with me mentally...i think when changes occur like that a lot of times you can feel alone. it's a new place to be.

    Rick update

    ...Fri night i decided on a whim to go out to a gay (male) club that ive been to before. i like the music there and i like going to gay clubs, its a lot of fun and most of my male friends are gay. this time i went alone. so later that night i was also supposed to meet with rick, there was no definite time set (which i suggested we do but he likes to play it by ear). he went to a nearby bar where there's also a mini poker tournament at night. apparently he didnt do too well and got dropped from the game early. i was still at the club, he text me and said "take ur time im going to a friends house". meanwhile i was having a ball dancing and ppl watching. so during this time his friend put him out cause the friend wanted quiet time with his girlfriend, who was there as well.

    ...this is when i started to sense a slight attitude. he text me "where are you" ..a stupid text since he knew i was at the club. he even saw me at the club because i told him i was on the club patio earlier and he came to say hi briefly since the poker place is not far from there. anyway i didnt see this text til about ten min later, at which point another one came in where he said "im going home". it seemed like mr "take ur time" was getting impatient.

    i felt no need to rush. plenty of times he has come into my home at 245 am and 3am after hanging out with his buddies till god knows when playing video games or visiting his DJ friend at a local strip club. i guess now he sees how it feels.

    but there was no payback in my actions, i was genuinely having a good time and didnt wanna leave. understand that i NEVER go out so this was a nice treat for me. in retrospect i believe that's probably the issue...hes used to me sitting around doing nothing or working...available for him at any time damn near, and this time i wasnt....

    so we didnt meet up and he went to sleep. Sat. i didnt call him and he didnt call me either which is unusual. he did text me saying hi and i text back. that was it until Sat night when he told me i was acting funny: thru text. so a text discussion ensued. i basically told him i was avoiding him to avoid possible drama because i sensed a slight atittude. he explained that he was wrong to expect me to drop my plans. i agree. but the funny thing is i still even today (sun) sense something "off".

    you have to also understand that we're not even boyfriend and girlfriend. we're just kind of up in the air. undefined. my definition is F___k buddies. excuse the wording but that's basically it. f__k buddies that go out every now and then and talk on the phone alot. but he's always acting like it's more yet wont admit it.

    ....i could type all day about this, but ill stop here for now

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  6. #85
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Another update

    Lately I've been so down. I hate my work (making change soon), my open rltnshp is trash, Rick is full of it, and I'm lonely cause my friends r here and there. Some friends call me not to talk with me but at me. Almost to hear themselves talk.

    Rick and I went on our trip to the concert. It was o.k.. concert was great, I'll update about that later.

  7. #86
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    [U][B]another update


    I went to my first therapy session a few wks ago. I liked it. I go back soon. apparently I have two ppl that I will be seeing one is a dr. and the other a therapist. I enjoyed being able to talk about my issues etc and someone actually listen without interruption and genuinely no judgement. they know all about chad and rick and my childhood. the usual stuff. im ready to go back.

    meanwhile ive been really depressed. last week I didn't work my main job at all. I just worked my side things. I layed in bed a lot. I think a lot of it has to do with rick...not all but a lot. like on weekends, I feel very left out. I almost feel like im someone to talk to to pass the time while he drives truck for work and then on weekends he's here he's all with his guy friends etc. and I feel like im off on the sidelines. I even invited him out to a haunted house like we did last yr but he said his $ was short. either way I feel sidelined. I told him this (in so many words) and he says he feels like he's interrupting me too like im hanging out with friends (though I have told him b4 im by myself for the most part). ive told him if he ever gets tired of his friend olan's house (the "friend" he hangs around EVERY weekend , wearing out his welcome) then he can come over here. ....but then he'll say "oh you didn't call me this wknd...u didn't return my call" blah blah blah

    why are we still tip toeing around each other this far into this? I was very sad and lonely esp sun. it would've been nice to have some company

    sat I spent with chad, it was nice but it was a lil pitiful, my mind kept wandering to rick. he called me while chad was there I couldn't answer and by the time I took chad home I came back home and fell asleep.

    one good thing that's going on is my art. if I can just get the strength to get up and do it. I finished a statue that I drew out late last year in my idea book. I said, im going to start sculpting...something I always wanted to do. I have so many ideas in that book. chad saw the book and I showed him my sketches and he likes them a lot. I havnt shown rick...he reads a lot into things and can be judgemental. he's seen certain parts of the piece but not other parts. anyway the first statue that ive finished was inspired by how I felt when rick left me and when he came back earlier this year. and some other ppl in my past. im proud of it. at least something good came out of my heartache. I have more things I want to do it's just I have to find the drive. it's hard when youre down.

  8. #87
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    rick and his venting

    about 30 min ago rick and i spoke. he was venting (as usual) on the phone with me about how depressed he is etc etc. well you know that made for a sunshine combo with me being depressed as well. but im not vocal about my depression (etc) with him or with too many other people. i told him about this. but i actually opened up a lil about how lonely ive been lately and the problems my anxiety poses when im trying to make new friends or be social. he was listening and acted decent (thank goodness).

    before i started to open up i actually started to listen to him vent and felt a lil resentful of him. that he was able to vent to me so openly and freely. so i stopped in the middle of the convo and said "my god i wish i had someone to open up to and vent to the way you open up to me". and then went on about how maybe some of it is my fault because i close myself off. then i started to tell him about how lonely ive felt lately...

    ...well, you all know what i really wanted to say was "rick, youre one of the main reasons im lonely and depressed...lets chat about that shall we?" but i didnt...

  9. #88
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    [U][B]curious reader survey

    i see this journal has been viewed/read hundreds and hundreds of times. but i hardly ever get replies or comments. just curious and wondering why. are people reading it or just skimming? lurking, reading and not commenting? Im curious

  10. #89
    Bronze Member Case_1983's Avatar
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    I find your journal super interesting but never comment cause I have a lot of advice that is probably unwanted. My biggest questions are:

    1) why stay with chad? Yes he is allowing you to have an open relationship but blocking you from getting a real committed relationship.
    2) Rick sounds like he has one foot in, one foot out of the door.

    Ps. You sound awesome which is why I don't know why you stick with these 2 half interested guys.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  11. #90
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    i was wondering if anyone was actually reading it.

    well im glad u enjoy it, here are the answers:

    1. chad: i do love chad. and hes a good guy. i feel like we r more friends than anything

    2. rick is a hot mess. he's keeping me around because i do believe he cares but enjoys the freedom of keeping his options open. at least that's my opinion

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