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Thread: Musings

  1. #71
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Updates galore.. coming soon

  2. #72
    Bronze Member Case_1983's Avatar
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    Do tell

  3. #73
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    finally here are my updates about me and rick. some of these are coming from letters that ive been sending a friend on here thru PM so i wont have to do so much typing and remembering. ill try to make it as easy to read as possible:

    weve been seeing each other alot (meaning sex). everything has been going great. he calls and texts all the time. we're basically back to like we used to be. now there are big gaps in between moves in the word game we used to play...clearly he used it as a way to keep in touch and doesnt need it anymore. hes been making sweet little hints and comments here and there. even saying things like "oh imma have to take u to savannah one day" and other mentions of trips cause we were talking about travel a couple of times.

    meanwhile all the while i been waiting for the other shoe to drop. i know how he is and even though im happy, my eyes are always open.

    [B][U]night b4 birthday, june 6


    i got my hair done special and got very cute because derrick was picking me up to go out. the time was supposed to be 8 but switched to 9...which ended up being 1030-11p because of me taking my time getting ready. he's unreliable so when he moved the time from 8 it made me not take him seriously, so when 9 came around i hadnt even showered.

    so he picked me up around 11. id gone over to target to get something for my nails and i looked so good i was getting compliments in the store, especially my hair which my friend did , shes a stylist. when rick got there, i came outside and hed been smoking a cig and the first thing he says is: "how did we get from 8p, to 9p, to now it's almost 11p? i cant even take u to eat where i wanted to cause it's almost closed!" ---> he didnt say anything about how nice i looked, happy birthday, hell he didnt even give me a hello kiss or hug...it was just nag nag nag about how i wasnt ready sooner. mind you he's the one that pushed the orig time back. so this set the tone for the beginning of the day and to be honest it kinda made me feel bad. i spent all that time getting ready, getting my hair done , picking an outfit etc and that's the first thing he says.

    we get into his car and try to decide on a restaurant. i picked one nearby that was open late. while i was looking for it he said something like " probably going to be hard to find something, everythiing's closed " --with an emphasis on the word closed. so while driving there i told him that he didnt even give me a kiss he was so busy nagging. he said he was sorry and kissed me. when we got to the restaurant he made a comment about how nice my nails look and i said "gee thanks, i didnt think you noticed" (in a flip tone). he said "okay im sorry...i know i shouldve given you compliments etc when i first picked u up. just bear with me i havent been on a date in a long time"----> DATE ...that's the part that stuck out to me. i thought 'oh so this is a date to you, huh?' ~~~more on this later.

    so he told me that the surprise was we could either go to the club or to a strip club and it was my choice. i definitely didnt wanna go to the strip club so i chose a dance club. honestly i was a bit disappointed cause the way he hyped it up i thought it was really going to be something. during the dinner he asked me what i was doing the next day and i said the aquarium cause its free on your bday but i was going by myself. he said he would come with me cause he'd never been. (the next day he got sick with diarrhea so i ended up going with my mom and had a great time). so before the club we pulled over for some hanky panky in his car....my idea...and then went to the club. we danced, made out . we had a great time. the night ended better than it began thank goodness.

    the week that just passed...

    i have been seeing so much of him. tues night (technically weds morn) he came over at 1am or so, left at 5:30a. then he worked, and came back weds around 2p and didnt leave until 9:45p that night. we had sex multiple times and slept and cuddled all day. it was wonderful. like i said he snores loud so most of the time he was holding me while sleep and i just layed there next to him ...i was happy to be there though. you know how badly i missed him when he wasnt around so this was like a dream.

    we saw each other a few other times too. been talking and texting. did i tell you that i went with him to get his new car? i drove the rental back to the car rental at the airport and he followed me in the new one. when we parted ways, he gave me a quick kiss and said "call me when you get home" and i almost slipped after the peck and said "i love you" but didnt. it seemed like a natural follow up! this leads me into:

    ive been wondering about our 'status'

    as you know we have no official title. he hasnt said we're dating or relationship but we have all the trappings of at least serious dating. when i brought this up in Nov it ran him off. im not going to bring it up again but it's been going thru my head. and it's not just me. ill give you some examples:

    1. the other day we were talking about sex or something and i recalled a time b4 him where i cried during sex. not boo hoo, but a good cry. he said "was this with me" i told him no, then he said "okay well i dont wanna hear u talk about any other guys youve had sex with, only me"..

    2. he told me about an incident where his cousin wanted to come over to his house (last year) but said "you can't come over here with your date cause i got my girl over here..." ---> hed only gotten that house after he started to see me. my friends say it sounds like he was talking about me when he said "my girl"..

    3. then theres the asking me to do little stuff. im a reference on his car loan papers. i rode with him to get it. i met his mom and sister the other day too.. i even was about to drive his mom to her surgery the other day.

    4. the intimate moments , like the way i catch him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. the way he interlocks his fingers with mine when we're in the car or cuddling..

    5. him pointing out that we've known each other for exactly a year then calling on that day and saying "happy anniversary"....

    ....i have a gay guy friend named D. i keep him updated on all this. after i told him some of this he said "what are yall???" he was actually getting upset about it. and though im not upset , i do wonder. like what is going on? my mom and another friend said it will happen in time. but it's been a year. tonight i was at my friend's home and her 4 yr old was near me. she heard me talking on the phone to derrick and she said "is that your boyfriend?" (kids are so blunt) i said no. derrick said "what did she ask" i repeated it along with my answer. he said jokingly "oh wow...u treating me like dirt." so the 4 year old asked again and he heard it , i told her "ummm.....(pause) i dont know how to answer that question" ....he laughed.

    ...he laughed but im serious. i dont know how to answer that question.

    lastly, a messy text

    he sent me a text during a phone convo we were having tonight and it was a "coupon" for a free orgasm but it was a screenshot picture. he just learned how to do screenshots cause i taught him. only he didnt know it captures EVERYTHING on the screen and not just the pic (or whatever). when he sent the screenshot it showed that he'd screenshotted the photo from what looked like some girl's photo album somewhere online. it had a name on it like "kathy" or soemthing. i mentioned this and he said "it showed all that?" i said yeah u need to learn how to crop. and while i was explaining cropping he said "so u can crop someone out of a photo etc?" i said yes, or you can crop out thing like that ho's name on the pic you sent me. that's when he said "ok let me call you back you being messy" i said are you serious? first off im messing with you, second dont run off because you feel guilty. he said "i dont have anything to feel guilty about" and i said "youre right" but girl...instantly my mind flashed back to when he got jealous cause i was talking about a PAST sexual experience (when i cried with the guy). but im not allowed to react to this? ---granted the pic couldve been from anywhere, that doesnt mean he's talking to someone else or communicatiing with her.

    ....i said all that to say, i think a definition on what we're doing would be really helpful. it would help clear up situations and misunderstandings like this. it helps to know where you stand with someone.

  4. #74
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    More updates....

    these are from a week or so ago.

    me and rick have been talking a year and still i have yet to be called his gf. see im always confused because he'll give mixed signals. "oh this not a relationship" but then he'll do things like the examples i gave you. just yesterday even he did something. we were on phone and i was teasing him that he's getting old and he said , "yeah next imma go blind....would you leave me if i went blind?" ---> leave me? first you have to be together to leave someone.

    an incident...

    also he does little things that annoy me. for instance just now he text me about a shady "friend" named bobby. he's always complaining about this "friend" doing shady things like embarrassing him in front of his other friends about his financial hardships etc. well him and bobby hung out last night, i was at work. this week just passed he was supposed to take me out to the strip club to make up for cancelling the aquarium. but he ended up saying we will go this upcoming week cause he didnt wanna spend any extra money. so i was cool with that . but just now i found out that him and bobby hung out at the strip club last night. now granted he gets in free cause bobby knows someone, but....i called him out on it. i was like oh so you can go to the strip club with your "friend" but not me? i dont like stuff like that. so i question him about it and he said "messy, u not focusing on what i did on your bday and things i did for u only what i didnt do. messy. BREAKTIME!!!" so now i tried to apologize ...for whatever it was, hes so sensitive for no reason. and he said he didnt feel like talking today and he just resting. im tired of everytime some little stuff happens here he goes dissapearing.

    yes me and chad are still together. and actually on our date nights i appreciate the drama free environment. i would write more but now im too upset to do so and on top of that have to go to work for a few hrs. ill write more when i get back home

    update on the incident...

    later that same day he callled. the topic of the texts from earlier wasnt brought up on it's own, it just kinda stumbled out because he mentioned something unrelated that gave me an opening to bring it up. otherwise before that he was talking like nothing happened: however i could tell he was trying to gauge my mood. when we finally got on the topic he said "BREAKTIME!!" meant "lets go to our separate corners and cool down"...i told him that was not right to say and then not pick up the phone when i called because text leaves too much open to interpretation. i was telling him at this point it was less about the strip club etc and more about handling communication better. i also said we can still do the outlet stores (something else he wanted to do at end of month) and also do the strip club another day. he was like "thats always been my problem with women wanting to do everything but not having the money or time". personally i didnt wanna hear that mess cause i still wasnt happy with the situation and how he handled it. and frankly it turned me off alot. i still love him and im not all the way turned off, but...im tired of the drama and then he runs off and then we start talking again , it's just a waste of time. its stressing me out and im too old. hes DEFINITELY too old. there was alot more to the convo but that was the gist of it.

    so i told my friends im going to start "actively" talking to other people. i was always open to other guys talking to me...im not counting anyone out but my focus has been on rick. now im going to be more active in dating other people. just to give myself balance. and also still work on me and chad...i almost feel like i shouldnt give up on that yet. that day drained me so bad and also work that day was tough cause there was alot of work to be done. hell im still drained. mentally and somewhat physically.

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  6. #75
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Im the what?...

    Tonighht we were on the phone and I forget how it came up, but he said "you're the perfect woman in my eyes, you're clean, you work...." and he went on to name other qualities that I honestly didn't hear because I was still caught up in the first part of it.

    I was very...extremely flatter ed. But also confused. Then I got to thinking, sometimes is bad to put someone on a pedestal. for various reasons but in this case I was thinking, if he thinks I'm the perfect woman and then looks at his own situation he just got a car again, has no place, finance problems and then he looks at me and thinks I'm the perfect woman what can he offer me. it was very insightful. Sometimes when you put someone up on a pedestal like that it makes them are reachable. never the less I was still happy to hear that he thinks that he thinks that

    Meanwhile...

    im scared to bring up anything related to: love, relationship, dating with rick. last year in Nov when i told him i love him he bolted on some bs excuses. but i know it's what brought him back. hard to stay away from someone you know genuinely cares about u.

    no new news really. i can tell he gets jealous. i told him about a guy that was flirting with me at my job, only cause i thought it was a funny story. the guy ended up kissing me on the cheek and rubbing my arm beffore i could stop him.. anyway at the end of the story rick said "did he give u his # ?" i said no...then he said oh that's right you already got his number. (cause he was a client). i said no i dont have his number!---> its true, i dont. plus i wouldnt want it , he was out of line. anyway i was thinking, oh wow jealousy for real. a few other incidents like that recently too. kind of makes me smile tho to know that he's thinking like that. but also, he needs to "lock me down" if he really wants other offers to be off the table.....right now he truly has no claim on me.

    also im still having a problem reaching out to b the first one to call. he mentioned this last night after going all evening and night without calling me. i text him in early evening but didnt call. i told him im still getting used to reaching out to him again. his first thing he said was "i guess u dont like talking to me no more"....but here's the thing: when you're rejected, and pushed away, it takes a moment for the heart to warm and the brain to get comfy again. he did this, not me....

  7. #76
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    New news

    all this happened a day or two ago:


    speaking of jealousy me and rick just got off the phone. earlier i was doing some sexy talk with it and he loved it. well he was at a warehouse getting his truck unloaded and had mentioned how there were all female workers and they were all in his face. so i didnt say anything and we talked about other stuff. we went back to talking sexy. then he had to get off phone to do his paperwork , instead of saying that he says: "well lemme go back in here to get these women all excited" i was like "women excited? what?..." he was like 'i gotta go do my paperwork ill call u right back." when he did call back, i was super dry and just blah.

    i didnt like that comment right after i was basically sexually laying myself on a platter for him and doing sexy talk. i know he was just talking...and probably trying to make me a lil jealous and feed his ego too...but still. i told my story about the kissing client because it was funny and also we'd been talking about how men get fresh sometimes earlier. anyway my face was hot and i was upset. i dont wanna hear about other girls in his face. just like he tells me "i dont wanna hear about u with other men from the past (etc)". he got back on phone w/ me and started being real nice and giving me compliments and talking to me real sweet....whatever, i was turned on but that went away quick with that lil comment. men can be so clueless. and i know they werent in his face that hard....let b clear, i find him attractive but if i didnt know his inside if i saw him on the street i wouldnt notice him. hes an older guy that's out of shape and needs a lil wardrobe help..he goes out looking any kind of way....i love him to death but im just keeping it real between u and me.

    later in the convo he says , joking, "you don't love me...." my eyes popped open. then he said " you only love me for my pimp juice" , a line from that song. only nelly says you only WANT me for my pimp juice....personally i think that was a save. ...at least that's what id like to think. im just ready for him to say it.

    then follow that with him talking about his tank top, which he calls wife beaters...he said, joking, "you gonna be my wife so i can beat you?" (he meant sexually)....still...

    then he said "girl your mom and grandma never got married , you gotta get married and break the cycle."

    i dont know whether he's just talking or trying to see my reaction sometimes.....thoughhts?

  8. #77
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    when they don't call

    (from yesterday) So my mind runs when they don't call. rick I mean. The last time I heard from him was yesterday eve at around 8p. That was a call...late last night I text him something silly, no reply. It's 10:30am , I know I'll hear from him but my question always is, what's going on when I don't. So u know my mind comes up with theories.

    ...Hes said "y didn't u call" when there r times like this...but I don't chase. I'll send a text....sometimes call.....and if I don't get a response I leave it alone. I was taught not to chase in behind a guy.

    Also I get concerned cause he is on the road...but....

    Then last wk he said his ex called him out the blue and he's so done with her blah blah blah. But this sparked a long convo. I can' tell he still upset with her and maybe even have a lil feeling left....I always say the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. He said he doesn't want sex with her cause she's boring n bed and doesn't want to b with her cause she likes to argue....ps this is where the perfect woman convo sparked from.

    ....but in my head I'm like...ok 2nd night in a row we haven't had our reg night convo. Is she filing the spot on the phone? I can't help but wonder. U know how the mind is.

    (today)

    for the past 3 nights rick and I haven't had our nightly chat. Mon night at 11:38p I text him a funny text. He didn't reply till ,11a and said "hey I just woke up"--he was on the road, trucking. Ok fine....but yesterday eve he said "I'll call u tonight when u get situated in the truck: that never happened

    Used to b we'd talk for hrs every night almost....Changes in pattern raise my eyebrow. I'm not asking for hrs chatting but still. I haven't reached out at night cause I wanna c what he does.

    During our convos his voice sounds different lately...dry...n even tired. but the content is good . He's booking the hotel for our trip....but....still .

    ...oh yeah i forgot to mention, im going out of town to see a concert in the fall and i was talking about it on the phone with rick. well he got all excited and invited himself along. we already bought the tickets. and he's booking the hotel , which btw he's paying for. hes very excited about it. we also have our outlet mall trip planned for july...his idea too. so we will see.

  9. #78
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Thoughts and my July 4th

    this is going to sound like ramblings but i need to talk this out. for my international readers, july4th is usa independence day for those that didnt know...ok now on to my ramblings:

    weds me and rick met up. sex was good, everything was fine.

    thurs chad (my bf im in open rltnshp with) and i were supposed to meet up but i got sick so we ended up not meeting. i was bummed about that. but he understood.

    fri i didnt see rick but we talked on the phone. i knew he was going to a bbq on sat at one of his (few) friends house. id know this since earlier in the week. other people would be there so it wasnt just a small "with the guys" type gathering. at first i didnt think anything of it but then for some reason it started to bother me. it didnt really hit me until thurs or fri. i esp thought he would invite me after i told him one of my friends had cancelled plans with me for sat to watch fireworks and i was going to be alone. but it never happened.

    fri night he came over, we had sex and from the moment he arrived i wasnt feeling it. i was not only tired from work but also had some anger towards him for not extending an invitation. he felt i wasnt into the sex.

    sat, july 4th. hed spent the night and woke up and we were kissing and he started making little comments about how i was acting different but wouldnt elaborate. eventually i got it out of him that he said i was acting different sexually. i didnt give him oral like usual. really this mainly had to do with the fact that i was wiped out. he came over at 2am, im not sure what he expected. i told him this and we talked it out. i didnt, however tell him i was also angry about not being invited to the bbq. if im supposed to be one of his best friends ....it just seemed odd.

    most of sat i was feeling down and alone. there were some fireworks near my home that i walked to go see, that was nice and pepped me up a lil but i still couldnt shake the feeling of why hadnt i gotten an invite. last year i had a bbq, i invited him and he ended up not coming. but he busted his ass to get to this one and ironically told me that it was boring once he got there. we text some sat and did keep in contact.

    sunday (yesterday) i was still feeling upset. he called me and I brought it up again. After he told me how bbq went. He said it was actually boring. So I said I gotta be honest, I was wondering why u didn't invite me to the bbq if we're suppose to such good friends. Now I'm not saying ur under any obligation, but I was just wondering.

    So he replied a smart ass answer first which is y I hate bringing things up. He said "it's nice not to be under obligation" in a smart tone. I said obviously ur not under obligation. ...this is why I hate bringing things up to u. (Yes, I said that to him). I said u blow things out of proportion and take them the wrong way.

    Then he said well really I want to keep my business private from those guys. They think internet dating is dumb and I don't want them judging me and talking about u and being critical.

    They know about me but I don't know how much.

    We talked a bit more but really the whole thing left bad taste in my mouth. i havent thought about him sexually in awhile, which is odd. he's been doing things lately that have been turning me off.

  10. #79
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    hiding things behind jokes...

    on fri night when rick was over we were joking around with each other, after one of my jokes he said "(my name) omg youve changed in the past two weeks".

    now we were joking around so ordinarily i wouldnt have thought anything of it but the fact that he put a time frame on the end caught my attn. though it was said with a joking tone, it made me think...so later that night i asked him , have i really changed recently. he sidestepped and skipped around answering. i asked him, be honest, or was he just joking? ---he likes to push my buttons, another thing that is turning me off. so ultimately he said he was just talking, but threw in that ive been "short" with him lately.

    the next morning and ever since then he's been saying things like "that's the new (my name), the old (my name) wouldve said so-and-so". and it's said like a joke. but has me wondering , is this for real or is he just picking at me. if it is for real he should bring up his concerns in a mature fashion. like yesterday, he said something, i said something back. he said "see, the old (my name) wouldve turned that into a sexual joke, this the new (my name)". its getting to the point where it's almost making me insecure and self conscious , though im trying to hide that. he keeps saying things like "you dont do sexy talk with me anymore"--but in the form of a joke. a LIE...i always do that. not every conversation but i do it.

    and my thing is, he should ask himself has he been doing things to turn me on, or OFF, to receive sexy talk....

    i think next time he says something like that i am going to say, ok enough, youve brought this up several times, in ur mind there has to be some truth to it, so just tell me.

    ive never understood y ppl do things like that but expect for the other person to be a psychic. not bringing up the problem, just hiding it behind jokes and never bringing it up...

    im dating someone with a victim mentality

    sun we were on the phone together and everything was going fine then all of a sudden out of the blue he started that pity party s***. every now and then he will get on a "woe is me , nothing ever goes my way" bandwagon. I told him after a few moments I said I think you like to hear my pep talks and he said yes I do is there anything wrong with that? & I said there is nothing wrong with that, but the fact that you throw a pity party sometime just to hear me do it is wrong. I think that you fish for pep talk just like people fish for compliments.

    The pity party wAs horrible he kept talking about how he couldn't make it and how. He was always working blah blah blah. Mind you he is the reason he is always working because he always take any load that they give him for the truck being greedy.

    So he just kept going on and on and me being the kind of person I am I'm trying to pep talk him but I have realized I am going to have to go back to how I used to do and just had to be neutral and say things like oh no thats horrible yeah I understand. And not go any further because I really think he enjoys the attention he gets when he Whines.

    let me tell you more and more day by day he is turning me off in little ways and I feel it. I couldn't even think of having sex with him right now if He were here naked in front of me. his mouth Ruins everything.

    also, rick has a friend that is borderline extremist (about race issues) and I can always tell when he has been around This friend. because he'll start talking about different crazy ideas and its a real turn off.

    I feel myself getting more and more turned off this is a dangerous place to be. for him. he has been bringing a lot of negative energy into my life lately and I really don't like that.

    last night i looked up info about this type of behavior online and exactly as i thought he has a "victim mentality". an actual psychological problem where he seeks attention and "love" thru encouraging words and pity brought on by those little pity party speeches. the site said if i start agreeing that his life is hard then he'll stop. or just give neutral answers like "mmm hmm". last time i did this and it worked. i just gave neutral answers and he actually stopped and switched topics...

    this person is draining

  11. #80
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    a lonely little day

    just some random thoughts. i had a bad day at work last night. and i havent been right since. sitting at home alone. so bored.

    i feel like im in a daze and i dont know why. just like a zombie. even though i have chad (not often) and rick (not officially) i feel alone. do i really have them? i have no official ties to rick.

    my anxiety is acting funny a little today. probably because im sitting here doing nothing and sleepy. i feel empty

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