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Thread: Musings

  1. #11
    Member Pisces34's Avatar
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    In the way that you describe yourself I am very similar in personality to you.

    I am going through the same feeling of emptiness.

    I am married with two small kids. Husband does not want open relationship (I feel ab him as you do about Chad) I've been cheating on him. Last lover I had (my Rick) has been i horrible circle of over 2.5 yrs of breaking up and going back, bc like you I am lonely. It finally ended this time around and I'm done. I am grieving but I won't allow him to mistreat me anymore.

    I don't want to cheat anymore bc I always get hurt. I want genuine attention but all anyone wants is sex and an ego boost. But I need passion and I can't seem to stop


    “When she lets you in to the cracks and scars of the past, it’s time to ask a question: do you love her or do you love the idea of her? There is a difference and it’s already past time to know it.”
    h.s. (via heartbeatofatwentysomething)

  2. #12
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by testcase
    Hey luxurylover. Maybe you should look in to volunteering for something? I've been seeing what's available around me cause I feel very similar to you. No kids. Bit of an empty life feeling. I guess I feel like I've been living a selfish life. I don't know. I'm looking in to it and hopefully I'll start soon. I'll let you know how it goes, if it helps.
    that's good testcase, yes let me know. i volunteered b4 but not recently i have a habit of not sticking w/ things unless im really n2 them. therefore im hesitant to do anything like that. what do u mean a selfish life? how so, curious

  3. #13
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pisces34
    In the way that you describe yourself I am very similar in personality to you.

    I am going through the same feeling of emptiness.

    I am married with two small kids. Husband does not want open relationship (I feel ab him as you do about Chad) I've been cheating on him. Last lover I had (my Rick) has been i horrible circle of over 2.5 yrs of breaking up and going back, bc like you I am lonely. It finally ended this time around and I'm done. I am grieving but I won't allow him to mistreat me anymore.

    I don't want to cheat anymore bc I always get hurt. I want genuine attention but all anyone wants is sex and an ego boost. But I need passion and I can't seem to stop
    its amazing to get on here and find out how many ppl are , unfortunately, going thru similar situations as me. i know how u feel. i use grocery shopping as an example: u wanna go to the same store u always do because u love that store and youre faithful to it (ur husband, chad for me) and although it has some products you need , some key ones are missing so you have to venture out to other stores (ur guys, and rick). and though u get the products ur looking for from the new stores, the quality isnt as good as u thought so the search continues. just literally shopping around til u find what ur looking for.

    when i look at my life i feel like im all alone. except for my mom and shes 70 this year. i know they're be a time when she wont be here anymore and when i think about that...which i try not to but its only natural as she gets older...when she's gone ill truly just be floating in the wind. except for chad. i dont get all of what i need from him but i do love him and know he loves me. i think that's one of the reasons im holding on. at heart he's a genuinely good guy and i dont wanna be totally alone. my friends arent as involved w/ me as they used to be, so...chad is really the only person i can count on. then i tell myself: self, you could always meet new ppl. im apprehensive about that too though cause just like u with your lovers it seems like when i meet someone they just want sex , they're flaky, or like rick they're giving me mixed signals or confused. if rick had been on point i wouldve left chad. as it is i lied to rick and told him me and chad had broken up because rick kept getting an atittude about me being with chad. jealous. little passive aggressive comments about chad...i got tired of it.

    anyway....it's 7:30a and my mind is wandering , sorry for my ramble.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member testcase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by luxurylover
    that's good testcase, yes let me know. i volunteered b4 but not recently i have a habit of not sticking w/ things unless im really n2 them. therefore im hesitant to do anything like that. what do u mean a selfish life? how so, curious
    Well it's really just me personally. I don't know I'm single. No kids. Relatively well off personally. I feel like everything I've been trying to do recently is really just to benefit me. I mean there's nothing wrong with that... I've just been feeling unfulfilled. So I'm going to try to volunteer my time and give back anyway I can.

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  6. #15
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by testcase
    Well it's really just me personally. I don't know I'm single. No kids. Relatively well off personally. I feel like everything I've been trying to do recently is really just to benefit me. I mean there's nothing wrong with that... I've just been feeling unfulfilled. So I'm going to try to volunteer my time and give back anyway I can.

    i feel you. there's nothing wrong with that, it's not like ur neglecting anyone. sometimes we can focus too much inward, at least that's what my mom said

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by luxurylover
    that's good testcase, yes let me know. i volunteered b4 but not recently i have a habit of not sticking w/ things unless im really n2 them. therefore im hesitant to do anything like that. what do u mean a selfish life? how so, curious
    It doesn't need to be a habit -just like you are changing your diet, you can change your habit of not sticking to things unless you're "really into them" -you can start with small rewards to get you motivated to go to the volunteer work/event and then after awhile you'll get to the point where even if you're not over the moon excited about it you will have built your inner motivation to follow through even when it's not your flavor of the month or day.

  8. #17
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    so today, i met T for the first time and a quick rick blurb

    ...it was supposed to be tomorrow but he wanted a quick meet n greet today. we met for a small snack and talked a lil. he seems nice enough. SO FAR. im always on edge til i get to see someone's true intent and even then sometimes there's a big question mark over my head. we're supposed to meet again tomorrow at his request to do a real hangout day so im sure ill have more to report after that. last night we talked on the phone and had a good convo. it got quite sexual there for a moment. you know although my sex drive is usually high to medium recently it's just been blah. ill be hot one moment and then it will fade the next. so today T was getting close to me while we were walking etc, not in a sexual way, just close. we kissed (a peck sort of on the lips) twice. i have to say it did feel good to be near someone again. i dont see chad that much, so i miss physical human touch and just feeling someones "heat" next to me.

    [B]in other news rick is an interesting fellow and i dont mean that in a complimentary way. he sends more mixed signals than a broken traffic light. i think i said in a previous post we play an online game together. we've been playing this game since we were dating and have continued even after the breakup. as i said b4 i think it's his way of keeping a connection w/ me. well i get alerts when he's taken his turn. sometimes those alerts come in late. yesterday that's exactly what happened...he'd taken his turn 14 or so hrs previous (according to the game) and i didnt get an alert til the next morning. i didnt play right away because i had a quick biz appointment. so rick sent me a "hey" text. again i didnt answer right away, not just cause i had a business appt. but also i don't want him thinking im sitting by the phone so to speak. so about 30 min passes, he sends me a "reminder" thru the game. basically a text to remind me to take my turn.

    now sometimes, especially recently, rick will take his time taking his turn....maybe a whole day or so will pass, no turn in the game. but i dont send a reminder. see the thing here is not the game. that's not what im really focusing on. it's his behavior. (venting in 4...3...2...) he broke up with me, acted like he didnt want to be close to me or talk to me as much, or even maybe at all. so when someone tells me something like that , amongst other things, i grant their wish. and i warned him to think about this...is this really what you want. some girls/guys say "ok we dont have to talk anymore, be like that" only to let a few days pass then chase u down: that aint me----> turns out, it's him. he is always reaching out. he's the one that sends game reminders. texts. etc. and even though i like to hear from him, he doesnt know that. i just sit here. even though in my heart im missing him, and aching...sometimes even shedding a tear: he doesnt know that. he doesnt know anything cause the only time i talk to him is when he initiates which is every time. except his birthday, i did send a greeting. he thought: "oh yeah i can act like shes not important or that i dont want her and she will come back after me if i act like this". well that backfired. and now it's him doing everything.

    however, i would like to get back to the way we were. that is friends that date and have a good time. life is too short to be doing this dance. it should be enjoyed. we could be having amazing sex and hanging out when he has time. talking throughout the day like we used to. ....i really miss that

  9. #18
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    It doesn't need to be a habit -just like you are changing your diet, you can change your habit of not sticking to things unless you're "really into them" -you can start with small rewards to get you motivated to go to the volunteer work/event and then after awhile you'll get to the point where even if you're not over the moon excited about it you will have built your inner motivation to follow through even when it's not your flavor of the month or day.
    this is true. i would hate to get in there, pledge myself to something then halfway thru , quit. like i said i think it would have to be something i really am feeling

  10. #19
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    ramblings, gym, sleepy, etc.

    first off, these workouts have really been draining. ive been on and off (but mostly off lately) in the gym since 09. this is my second week back in a couple of months. and i am feeling it. it's not the workouts themselves, it's afterwards. esp the next day. i am so tired. i work for myself and set my own hours but still, its 7pm and im just now eating too cause ive been sleep on and off all day.maybe that has something to do w/ it, the eating i mean. these workouts....im only doing 30 min cardio on a machine, then ab work or some weights depending on day. when i get home i am ok, but after awhile sleep takes over. and i do mean takes over...i am OUT. usually b4 bed i silence my phone, sometimes im so sleepy i forget or leave it on vibrate...which leads me to my next topic...

    ...last night and this morning i was sleep and my phone was left on vibrate. i got several texts/alerts from rick thru the night and this morning. as well as today. when i was sleep during the night a vibration would go off, id open my eyes and my heart would race. so i didnt get quality sleep. halfway thru i turned the vibration off. now me clearly being a sucker for punishment (and rick), every time i would wake to go to the bathroom id check the phone. boom--> there's another rick alert. he wasnt talking about anything really just random things. but i have mixed feelings about his contact. by early evening, it was getting to the point where when i got another alert i was hoping it wasnt rick. but it's funny cause if i dont hear from him for a while (a day or two) then i wonder. it's a confusing place to be. he's got me on edge...all these mixed feelings are tiring.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by luxurylover
    this is true. i would hate to get in there, pledge myself to something then halfway thru , quit. like i said i think it would have to be something i really am feeling
    It's good to work on not always reacting to what you feel; rather, choose your reaction such as "I'm bored with this but I choose to stay true to my commitment" or "Now I don't feel like meeting my friend for lunch but it would be inconsiderate to cancel last minute so I'm going to behave reliably".

    You don't always have to feel strongly to choose to act in a way that's in your long term interests.

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