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Thread: Musings

  1. #101
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Today's update

    Feeling a bit better today. However I notice my anxiety has flare up again. I felt horrible at a client's home today. Fortunately it was a short stint. I felt tired, woozy, edgy.

    Rick and I text today. A quick chat this eve. Mon is his bday. Sat night he's going to gamble on a gambling boat cruise. I think he's probably going to be near one during his drop off for truck driving. On my bday he took me out. It's weird cause I don't even think of asking him if he wants to go somewhere for his bday. Isn't that weird? anyway it's mainly cause I don't want him to "feel pressured"into going somewhere with me. I told him I'd never invite him out again and meant it.

    Odd how when his friends ask him to go somewhere it's just an invite but when I do it he feels "pressure".

    I woke at 5a last night and decided to put up a personal ad on plenty of fish. Something I said I wouldn't do. At least not on the men's side. After Rick I just can't deal with online dating guys. Have to weed thru too many kooks. I put one up in woman seeking woman. I'm bi. I was thinking maybe I'll find a new friend if nothing else. I need something to take my attn away from Rick

  2. #102
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    7Am thoughts

    I have updates but I'll post them later. I woke at 7a ...Last night i started feeling down. If u keep with my journal u probably already know y. Sometimes I'm ok sometimes not. I started thinkingabout how I feel past year and a half with Derek has been a waste of time. and what was the point of it we put in all that time just to come where we are now. I got really sad thinking about it. I thought at the very least I would have a friend but I don't even have that...at least I don't feel like I do.I haven't seen him can a month now we talk here and there I and we text but not like we used to pretty much everyday though. But the depth of the conversations &n the interaction is changed. What was the point

  3. #103
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Oops...

    P.s.....in my journal i call Rick , Derek sometimes....they're the same person....sometimes i forget to use the fake name and by this point i don't care anyway

  4. #104
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    [U][B]x-mas update

    Xmas was "ok". im not a holiday person. i got chad gifts that id already given him, candy , shoes, and some knick knacks. i saw him on the 26th. that was nice.

    rick was supposed to come pick up his gifts on xmas. i offered to mail them but he insisted hed see me before then, which never happened. he's so flaky. xmas he got caught up w/ his mom which is understandable, but i cant remember the last time i saw him. he says he has a gift for me. i got his mom: a bath gel set, and two little angel statues from the dollar store but theyre real good quality. his sis i got 2 velvet coloring art thingys, a word find book, and a bath set (she's mentally disabled and enjoys word finds, coloring, etc). for him i got a card with lotto tickets inside, and a bomber coat and hat...he doesnt have a winter coat...why i dont know but he needs one badly.

    get a load of this...

    rick's guy "friends" not stood him up on his birthday, but only one text him merry xmas on xmas day (and he owes rick $150 from years ago and has avoided re-payment), and rick text them. he says he's going to cut them off but we will see. i keep wondering why he jumps when they say go but if i say let's do something its "pressure and expectations'

    i feel like i am his only real friend. with the exception of maybe ONE of his other guy friends he mentions. but he's too stupid to realize that. last night he had the nerve to call me complaining about how he wasnt invited to his friend carlos' New year's party. he kept going on and on about how his other guy friends knew about it but not him. so i said 'yeah i know how it feels to be left out'. --hinting about how he doesnt invite me to anything except rarely. next time he bring that up i will say that directly though. he put so much stock and effort into his guy friends. it actually sickens me cause i see that they, for the most part, arent really good friends.

    i can count the times he told me about stuff he did with his guy friends and didnt do it with me or left me sitting there:

    1. july 4th bbq celebration
    2. his bday where he stayed home and sulked cause his guys stood him up even though he knew i was available.
    3. going out to a local bar that's right around the corner from me with a guy friend but not inviting me until i mentioned that i would have liked to join them and then inviting me at the last min: which i turned down...i dont want a charity invite plus i needed time to get ready...
    4. i could go on and on but ill stop

    the nerve of him to call and complain to me about his friends neglecting him when he does the exact same thing to me

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  6. #105
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    New Years Eve guess who looked like a fool...

    So as you saw in a previous entry, Rick wasn't invited to his friend Carlos party but he was going to go anyway. so on New Year's Eve he went there uninvited like a fool and Carlos said hi and a few pleasantries to him at the door and never spoke to him again the whole night. There were a bunch of people at the party. even Carlos wife did not speak to rick. Then rick finds out that one of the biggest problems between him and his other friends is that olin (another "friend") is going behind rick's back and telling mutual friends what rick is saying about them.

    This person olin never sounded like a friend to me. he has done many things that rick has told me about that made me think this. I did not call rick Saturday I did not call him Sun. he called me Sun evening. He did not text me Saturday or text me sun either until the call that evening...you know I don't want him to think I want a relationship or that I'm putting pressure or expectations...

    The thing that kills me is and kind of hurts my feelings is that he will jump oceans and skyscrapers for the friends that I'm telling you about but if I invite him even just to go eat at IHOP it's like I'm putting pressure expectations and he acts all funny. It's like he wants to deal with me on his time or something. he still haven't even come to pick up his Christmas gift and give me mine.

    ...it saddens me. He won't even call me his girlfriend but he will jump hoops and holes for these stupid guys. He didn't even want to go to the haunted house again with me like we did last year but yet he will practically break his neck to get to a party wasn't even invited to an end up getting treated poorly anyway serves him right

  7. #106
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    double standards...

    a few days ago rick and i were on the phone, i said some sexy comment about needing some sex. he said "well , you been acting funnY". i said how. he said "not calling me (on weekend)", he said it in a playful voice but i know he was for real. i said 'oh but isnt that what u wanted?...im just giving u what u want'. then he says "ok you guys go have a nice cleaning" i was going to work with co worker. i kept talking saying "im just giving u what u asked for. u want no expectations and pressure, this is what it looks like". he was like mm hmm. it didnt help that my friend D was laughing in the background cause he knows the back story. lol

    it amazes me that when i dont contact him on sat and sun im "acting funny". but when he did the same thing to me he was "busy" and me bringing it up was over the top. and "have we got to talk everyday". "what youre talking about sounds like a relationship" blah blah blah.

    ...double standards.

    then we were talking last night about our first crushes. i mentioned mine from 13. he said 'u still got his number'? i was like...20 years later?....seriously? no. but i thought: if i did have it what does that matter, we're "not in a relationship".....

  8. #107
    Bronze Member Case_1983's Avatar
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    How's everything going LL?

  9. #108
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    I'm back. Updates

    Well after some years here i am again. Im not dealing with any of the ppl (as far as dating) that I mentioned on the previous journal entries except for Chad, we're still together. So much has happened (not with chad) in my personal life i dont even know where to begin.

    In the past few years chad and I have been in an open relationship which i love. i stopped seeing "rick" long ago. He still texts me here and there but I dont reach out to him, all my feelings for him are gone.

    I've had a few exeriences dating and relationships outside of chad (which he's fine with , he still travels for work all the time). most of them were with Women, as I am bi. the majority of them did not turn out well. but the last one was eye opening for myself.....

    i am about me now. no more codependency...ive been attending counseling now for years and it has helped greatly. the last relationship opened my eyes and now i am about self love to the fullest.

    i still love, but those who deserve my love and respect me (chad). now i am still learning and growing but in a much better place than i was.

    however i still have my challenges. In nov, 2019 my mother passed away suddenly. we were very very close. everything in my life has seemed surreal since then, and covid/current political and social climate are not helping. i lived with her and now (at 36) i got my very first place alone. im actually doing well, i work in my yard and garden which i love.

    but...here i am. why? well, i have been isolating since covid. i do interact with ppl sometimes , but try to not have friends etc at my home because of the covid risk (im somewhat high risk with HBP). I'm lonely. VERY lonely....

    I swing now. yes, as in swinger (sex). Ive always been a VERY sexual person with a very very high sex drive and one of my sex buddies introduced me to a swinger club and ive been all in since then. until recently because of the pandemic....

    well i smoke weed now (for my anxiety). it helps A LOT. i smoke everyday but always handle my business etc that i have to take care of that day. recently ive found myself drinking more (almost everyday) than normal. ive never been a heavy drinker. i could have a bottle of smirnoff and it last for 4 months. now?.....

    i still do my counseling VIA video chat. now i go to THREE counselors. my personal one , a group for anxiety/dep once a week, AND now a week/alcohol group every week--this one is new.

    im not stopping my weed use . it is the first thing to really keep my anxiety at bay. my alcohol consumption i cant explain. i dont get drunk, sometimes a lil tipsy. im not going to lie, i like to get f__ed up and invite a sex buddy over and just escape it all. i ALWAYS play safe, but other than that i really like to get wild. honestly i dont even know if imma go into everything im feeling right now. i dont like to feel anything anymore. i dont want to get involved with my sex buddies , PERIOD. i never really did but id feel lonely...like now...and it would be easier for them to get into my personal life because i was vulnerable.

    I just don't wanna feel. I dont even think ive fully processed my mom's passing, and honestly every time i really think about it (her death, not her in general and the good times) my mind automatically gets horny, switches over to sex, or i go smoke or drink. even right now as i type this sentence my mind started moving to thinking about porn.

    The things i do allow myself to feel are: loneliness. feeling like im about to f__k things up or feeling like kinda a failure/underachiever.

    I feel like im just rambling here and i guess that's ok. im also unable to work right now due to covid concerns and im waiting to hear back from unemployment...i got my letter saying i could be approved but have not heard anything or gotten anything in my bank acct. my financial concerns are great. i do have savings but dont wanna eat them all away. so far they are sustaining me : for now.

    my mind is everywhere. lately it's been hard to sleep. ive felt worried more than usual and i find myself clenching my teeth, like im anticipating something.

    Now this leads me to my friends. my closest friends, not including my boyfriend chad, call me and i swear they just call to hear themselves talk. not all are like that but most. i feel like ive written about this same thing in my journal before! the other night i was on the phone with a friend that tends to go on and on and not listen and i was tipsy, and let me tell you i opened up...told him u want me to open up but when i do , you dont listen. well, he shut up to actually hear me that time. it felt nice.

    I'll write more later...

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