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Thread: Musings

  1. #91
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Case_1983
    I find your journal super interesting but never comment cause I have a lot of advice that is probably unwanted. My biggest questions are:

    1) why stay with chad? Yes he is allowing you to have an open relationship but blocking you from getting a real committed relationship.
    2) Rick sounds like he has one foot in, one foot out of the door.

    Ps. You sound awesome which is why I don't know why you stick with these 2 half interested guys.


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    i was wondering if anyone was actually reading it.

    well im glad u enjoy it, here are the answers:

    1. chad: i do love chad. and hes a good guy. i feel like we r more friends than anything

    2. rick is a hot mess. he's keeping me around because i do believe he cares but enjoys the freedom of keeping his options open. at least that's my opinion

  2. #92
    Bronze Member Case_1983's Avatar
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    I just could never be in an open relationship. My mind would be running 100 miles an hour worrying about where my guy was lol.


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  3. #93
    Bronze Member Case_1983's Avatar
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    But you have explained previously that Chad is busy letting you date others takes the stress away from him, right?


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  4. #94
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Case_1983
    But you have explained previously that Chad is busy letting you date others takes the stress away from him, right?


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    He didn't say that. A friend of mine had that theory

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  6. #95
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Updates

    I have so many but I just need to find the strength to get on here and spill the beans. For one I started counselling and that's going well. I'm still with Chad and Rick. Rick updates galore. Hopefully I'll update soon

  7. #96
    Bronze Member Case_1983's Avatar
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    Spill!!!!


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  8. #97
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    [B][U]Over the weekend


    so this weekend i didnt hear from him much as i said in my last letter. saturday i text him "afternoon'" around 2p or so and a joke afterwards. then didnt hear from him til 7:30p when he replied: Hey child been budy today cleaning out storage. we got the garage now. I replied "k"

    so then i didnt text him since he's "so busy". i dont hear another peep from him the whole weekend. sunday, nothing. this monday morning at 9am i awake to the following:

    Rick: Lawd have mercy. Hi Ruthie (that's me).

    Me; Hi

    R: Hru?

    Me: Fine

    R: Cool beans. Me too

    Me: Good.

    Me: dissapearing Rick (a reference to a nickname i gave him on thursday when we had our talk cause he doesnt contact me as much sometimes on weekends)

    R: Just taking care of business and living life.

    Me: Ok.

    Me: Since u taking care of business where's my $20 (he owes me)

    R: I got you

    Me: Ok

    R: Fyi I wasnt being smart got a lot of in storage

    Me: Oh ok

    ...so you mean to tell me the whole weekend , especially sunday, he was that busy that he couldnt even text a smiley face or something? But i bet he got on that phone to check fantasy football scores. he's religious about that on sunday.


    He called and I sent him to voicemail with a "we'll talk later" text. i dont even know if i wanna fool with him anymore. usually ill hear from him at least a lil on the weekend and he knows it. if the situation was reversed i would be hearing about it right now....

  9. #98
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    On last thursday Rick and I had a big talk...

    on thurs i told rick i feel like a sex buddy now more than a friend. he asked y , i told him i feel a distance between us. i feel not as close anymore. he was quiet and listened...didnt blow up: shocked at that. i made a note to say, im not trying to be in a relationship with you. cause i didnt want him to misunderstand. i told him , i see how u treat your friends (guys) and how you treat me and it's different. especially on weekends. i said we didnt used to be like this. he said but youre a special friend...a friend that has more priviliges. i was like ..."special " friend...that's a new one.

    interestingly at the end of the convo he kinda mumbled, "you dont want me". i said what do you mean i dont want you? you mean as a friend? he said "no, i mean as a boyfriend or your husband" ....i was shocked at this. i said let me tell you "i wouldve been your girl if youd asked me but you always said you werent ready for a relationshp. and made such a big point of that so i never seriously considered you. i said, as for husband i wouldnt mind being married one day. but we arent even in a real rltnshp yet so i cant answer that. "....then he said "what about kids" (cause i always said i im not a kids person). i said if i were married do you really think if we were in a good financial position that i would deny a man a child? i wouldve had doc's (an ex) child if we had married with no hesitation.

    after this convo his voice changed it was like he had some pep in his voice. he perked up.

    Counseling etc (some of this repeats from a previous post)

    so that same day i went to my counselor. we talked alot about rick and chad too. she said she feels that he is emotionally abusive from what i told her. we went over some signs on a chart she had. it was really eye opening. he gaslights me , i term i hadnt heard that she explained to me. and a few other signs. after we talked about it i immediately saw what she meant.

    yesterday he didnt text me or call and it was 2p. (sat). so i reached out by saying "afternoon". then i told a lil joke afterwards, which is my nature. he didnt text me back until 7 something that night talking about "hey child, i was cleaning out my moms storage room cause we finally got the garage space." i said "K".

    this is exactly what i am talking about. he could text me before then. he's been busier than that. it's like on the weekend im not a priority. i dont even feel like a friend let alone a special friend. and today is Sun and 1;15p and i still havent got a text or anything. (real time update: i never heard from him sunday at all but he called /text mon)

    honestly im tired of this. i dont feel special or anything. now come monday he'll be trying to call me and chit chat. probably because he's doing runs in the truck & has no one to talk to. funny thing is he complained to me about a friend that he is distant from now (carlos i think). he said carlos only called him when he was at work to pass time then when sat came rick didnt hear from him. come monday here comes carlos again....

  10. #99
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    Well we finally talked about the weekend...

    today was a not so good day for me. last night i listened to an old voicemail Rick left and i started crying....

    rick sent me a good morning sunshine graphic this morning. owed me $20 and did a transfer. he called to make sure it went thru. we started talking (of course) casually. i wasnt ready to have that convo yet but he brought it up anyway. he said "Im still your friend even though you get all mad when we don't talk even for one day." now he has to know he was wrong cause i never said y i wasnt talking to him.

    summary of our talk: he couldnt see how i was upset about not hearing from him for "one day" while he moved his mom's stuff. i said i was upset about his lack of letting me know what's going on. since we talk everyday. he couldve just said "hey i wont be able to talk to you today cause moving moms stuff, we'll talk Mon". i dont understand how that's so hard. after i said that he said "what youre talking about is relationship stuff, now it's like u have expectations of me" (one of his fav phrases). i said what does common courtesy have to do with being in a relationship? i told him you cant keep using the we're not in a relationship thing as a get out of jail free card. almost every time i state some concern u pull that out. i also said believe it or not we are in a FORM of a relationship. id call it dating.

    so we went back and forth for awhile. finally he said, ok i will let you know from now on when i need a day to myself (ironically ive done the same thing in the past and he had a problem when i did it...nice double standard huh). he also said "i might not talk to you everyday (even tho not a day goes by that we dont), but i will make sure that if i dont ill send a text. but dont get upset if i forget to send one." and i said "oh ok so now we're not going to talk every day? yeah right, youve said that before too." he said "ok we'll see". i said "you dont have to prove a point to me. just use common courtesy and we'll be good". he said "ok boss". i thought to myself you dont have to be a smart ass either. he kept making it seem like it wasnt a big deal the fact that he didnt text or call all day and night sun. and imo probably wouldnt have done so either on sat had i not reached out.

    it's like he wants the trappings of a relationship without the responsibility. b4 we started our serious talk he was saying how he wants to go back to the outlet in charlotte nc and wants to take me with him. so im good enough for that, but not good enough for.....

    so now i don't know what to do. part of me wants to leave him. and part of the reason is because i feel he thinks i wont leave. and i also want to hurt him. i know thats a silly reason but i do. and im also tired of being hurt. but i do love him and enjoy talking to him when he isnt being an ass wipe. im about this << >> close to calling it quits. just out of spite.

    then there's the part of me that feels like why doesnt he want me as his girl. i feel un atrractive and not cute. i know i shouldnt but i do. then there's the part of me that says he does want me but he's scared. i remember him saying once something to the effect of: everything is ok and then ppl go and get into a relationship or years pass and things change. expectations are put on ppl (he loves that word expectations, as if he doesnt have expectations of me and others).

  11. #100
    Bronze Member luxurylover's Avatar
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    All about me

    recently i havent been feeling so great. even s-uici-dal. not that i would seriously go thru with it the way i feel now. but its like a mental escape. i lay in bed a lot. dont have energy. dont feel good about myself. i feel unattractive. stopped going to the gym, lack of energy. sometimes i feel better then sometimes i dip back down. my blood work came back from my Dr. the other day and she said i have very low Vit D and told me to start taking supplements. one of the side effects of low D is depression. but i know im mainly depressed cause of rick. and chad too in a sense.

    Thanksgiving

    ...but thksgvg i was working (on my own sched). chad was too but got off early so he invited me to his parents house for TG dinner. it was so nice. i loved it. he has a real big family that's real close and i always feel so welcomed. it's so warm there. theyre good ppl. everyone knew that i was his GF even the lil kids. and im not even around that much. that made me feel good cause so often with rick i feel "hidden". during this dinner rick was texting me. he was at his cousins house with some of the rest of his family. eventually he asked me where i was eating dinner at and i said "my ex parents house". rick thinks chad is my ex...i told him that last yr cause he kept making lil under hand comments about me being with someone...it got annoying. he replied "thats cute" in text. the following day he asked me "so how was it at your in-laws?"...

    back to the topic @ hand

    anyway back to me. ive been writing in a notebook my random thoughts. most of them are about rick. i feel undesirable even though i know im a decent person with a lot to offer. unattractive. every time i think oh i should start dating another guy i either think, he won't be interested in me beyond sex (more on that later) or who would find me attractive the way i look now. in my heart i feel like i look nice, but every now and then these feelings pop up. i need to tell my counselor these things when i go this upcoming week. these past couple of days has consisted of lying in bed, crying randomly. staring at tv blankly. staring at wall blankly. feeling better when that odd phone call comes in from a friend but then feeling lonely again when he/she has to go.

    more about the sex comment: i am a very sexual person. i think that can work against you sometimes when youre a female. there's double standard for us. i think sometimes some guys dont take me seriously because i am a sexual person. like they may even wonder "if her sex drive is like this could she even be faithful?" or maybe they just see me as a sex buddy and not for anything else (that thought crossed my mind w/ rick). im not promiscuous i just have a high sex drive and im open minded with the person im with. so i think sometimes that can be a draw back. but thats one thing i like about chad, he's never judged me because of that...which is ironic because i cheated on him, but not for sexual reasons.

    anyway, something is missing from my life. that intimacy. touch. safety. i wouldn't say a "purpose" but just something to get up for. like if i dissapeared tomorrow, who besides my mother (bless her heart) would actually feel a void. sometimes i wonder if i really *dont* want kids. i think, if i did have a family would i feel like this? but i dont necessarily want kids. my life feels empty. even with chad (i wont even count rick for this). is this just loneliness or is it really something missing? is this something that happens at 32? has anyone else reading gone thru this? an emptiness for a long period of time? Ive felt it for years. i stopped feeling it when me and rick got in deep...but now that that's shaky i feel it again. it's funny, if rick had asked me to be his girl earlier when we were talking i wouldve been overjoyed...now....meh

    well i do feel relieved writing this here. i hold a lot in as i dont have alot of ppl to talk to about these things. that doesnt help either.

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