1 Year Later!

Hi ENA -

HAPPY FRIDAY!! I hope everyone has some awesome, exciting plans for the weekend! It's going to be cold and snowy here

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my breakup....(I couldn't think of a better word other than anniversary). And I wanted to give you a recap of my year and the lessons I have learned. I hope someone out there will find this useful.

If I had to describe this past year in one word it would be CHALLENGING. This year tested me and my strength more than anything else has in my entire life. I truly had hit rock bottom and I felt so lost, I had no idea where to turn. Most of you know my story...I was with the same guy through college and after graduation...we were together for 5.5 years and lived together for 1. I was convinced without a doubt that we would spend the rest of our lives together. He was the one! (Or so I thought.) My whole early 20s identity was "a girlfriend."

Well that was all ripped away from me in a 10 minute phone call. That's when my life changed forever. And the reason why it changed so drastically is because I felt that my life ONLY existed because of this man. I had to find myself again and doing that after 5.5 years of depending on someone else is REALLY HARD! So there started my journey. I don't think I have bought so much Kleenex and Ben & Jerry's in my whole life!

It was a roller coaster of a year, my grandfather past away in March, which again reopened the feelings of lost. I was so disengaged at work...I was just there to fill the time. I drank A LOT, partied A LOT...which only makes you numb temporarily...that's why I always hated Sundays. I tried a lot of different things to mask my pain and nothing really worked. When you realize that you still feel the same 6 months later...it's time to take a look at what you are doing and take back control over what you can. I knew that feeling sorry for myself and wishing for my ex to come back wasn't going to change anything and I was still going to feel terrible. I needed to control what I could to make myself feel better and it all starts with your attitude. If you feel bad...you will feel bad...if you feel good...you will feel good! Those little changes made all the difference! I started having better days, more progress at work (I even got promoted!), made new friends, and I even found a new man! It was amazing and I realized that my past relationship was a lesson, a lesson that taught me so much about myself, my relationships, and ultimately what I deserved from other people.

Here are some important things to remember as you are healing from a breakup. This is a journey...you are not going to miraculously feel better overnight...this is a process. An important process for you to feel better about yourself. The most important relationship that you will ever have is the one with yourself.

A. It's okay to cry - You NEED to cry. Do not mask your feelings or feel that you are weak for being emotional. This is a time to grieve and if you don't have a time to grieve it will rear its ugly head later and you don't want that. As time goes on, you will feel the need to cry less and less. If you are still feeling an emotional wreck 6-8 months later, then I would try limiting your time to feel sad. I would say to yourself, "today I am only going to reimence or feel sad for 30 minutes." Then make a plan for yourself - go for a walk, go to the gym, take a drive, go shopping, go see friends...ANYTHING. The less time you are dwelling on your loss when you are at the 6-8 month mark (everyone is different...this is just my timeline), the better. But do not be ashamed to cry every once in awhile.

B. No contact is for your own good - Don't reach out to your ex! They left you remember? If they want to come back and reconcile, they are more than capable of doing so. They obviously felt there was something wrong in the relationship for them and they don't want it anymore. Don't go back trying to force them into talking to you, being with you, or seeing you. They don't want to! Trust me. And that is only going to make things worse and most likely push them farther away. Don't stalk your ex either...don't go looking for them on social media, go to their place of work, reach out to their friends and family. That is just going to make you look crazy and desperate. Not a good look. Not contacting your ex is FOR YOU! It is time for you to heal. It is time for you to regain your own life again. The only way you are going to do that is to cut off contact with the ex. You will just feel "rejection" all over again the more attempts you make to reach them. Then you start the healing process all over again. The best thing I did for myself was to NEVER contact my ex - I never emailed, texted, called, mailed, ect. Trust me there were moments of weakness (more like drunk moments) that I wanted to, but I knew that I needed to get better for myself.

C. Take care of yourself - it is so easy to abuse your body when you don't feel good. Whether it's eating bad foods, not exercising anymore, drinking, drugs, ect. Trust me, this was a difficult lesson for me. In the beginning of the breakup, I wouldn't eat and then later on, I turned to drinking. REALLY REALLY BAD!!! Don't do it! And I sear on my life it does not make you feel better. You think because you are "taking control" so to speak it will make you feel better, but it DOES NOT! You truly only get one life to live. Don't waste time with hurting yourself by being unhealthy. Treat your body and your life with respect and it will respect you right back. I started feeling so much better again when I started eating healthy, exercising and cut down significantly on binge drinking. I felt so much more alive!

D. Time is your best friend - Time really is a healer. You won't think so in the beginning, but it is. The more time that went on...the better I felt. Just take it day by day.

E. You will find love again - Whether your ex comes back begging for forgiveness and you seriously work on your relationship...(it does happen, but that should not be what you hope for, you may be disappointed) or you find someone even more amazing that makes you over the moon, IT WILL HAPPEN!! I promise you. There are so many amazing people in this world. So many people with different stories, background, interests, ect. that you can learn from. Be open to new experiences! My ex never came back and I am perfectly okay with that. I don't feel rejected or bad about myself, but I have clarity that we were not meant for one another. I learned so many valuable lessons and that is my best take away. I met an amazing new man that makes me feel so amazing. It will happen for you too, just give yourself time to heal!

I turned my CHALLENGING year into an AMAZING year! I was promoted at work (I love my new job), I am healthy again, I found love, and most importantly...I AM HAPPY! I am so grateful for everyday that I have and every experience that I am blessed to be apart of. I know breakups can be difficult and probably one of the worst things you will go through, but I can't say this enough...you WILL feel better and you will be OKAY. It's really simple, focus on yourself and amazing things can happen. You are not defined by your relationship. Keep being the special person you are.

CHEERS!!!

Well done. Congrats! Completely agree with what you said.

Very interesting !!! Congratulations !! I was curious if he ever reached out to speak to you the entire year ...did he ? Did u stay NC ? What u guys broke up for ?

Hi engraved!! To answer your question, no he never reached out to me...no phone call, text, email....nothing. I heard from his family a lot, his mom contacted me quite a bit and so did his aunt. I was always polite and courteous in my responses, but I knew that this was not going to change my situation. My ex and I did have one awkward run in about 3 months after our breakup...he never said hi to me, just stared at me and left. Again no phone calls or texts after that either. I am pretty thankful that that was the way things played out...I know I would have had a hard time if he started contacting me again. So I am glad he never reached out. And yea I stayed in no contact, we never talked again.

We broke up for a lot of reasons, the main one being we wanted different things. I had been out of school for 4 years, with a stable job. I wanted to get married, have kids, buy a house, ect. He wanted to go out with his friends and party. He had no interest in settling down. So because of that, we fought all the time. He would constantly go party with his friends instead of hang out with me. There was a point where he hadn't seen me in two weeks and he went to go out with his friends instead of see me and he never called me that weekend. Needless to say I was pretty angry. That was pretty close to when we broke up too. Our philosophies were vastly different too. He was brought up very privileged, always got what he wanted, never had any responsibilities, his parents did everything for him. I was the opposite, I worked for everything I ever got, I was very responsible, I didn't want to go out and party all the time. We had very different lifestyle choices.

In all honesty, we should have broken up after college. Things were great while we were in college because we didn't have any responsibilities and we could go out and do whatever we wanted. So obviously things were great between us because we were doing the same thing. Everything was "fun." Then after college, I started a job, moved out on my own, and I didn't have a desire to get drunk all the time. I wanted to save up for a new car and eventually buy a house and settle down. He continued going to school for his master's and we just went on different paths. It was over a year of fighting before he called it quits. I never broke up with him because I kept holding on to the fact that it was a phase and things would change.

But I am really happy now and I have found someone that shares my ideals which is really important to me

I'm so happy you have found someone that deserves your love ....I hope one day I will heal as well.My relationship ended after 6 month mark,seven almost,and if u see my threads I m trying to heal and he offered me a friendship ,but I won't contact him since the pain is fresh .We never spoke since the break up 11 days a go.i accept is over for good and can't stay friends with someone u love.

Hi engraved, thank you, I am happy too, but don't get discouraged. I am not happy simply because I found someone else. I have truly enriched all aspects of my life and that starts with focusing on yourself. You have to stop focusing on what you don't have and what you already have, be grateful for that. You will start to see things grow in your life that you didn't think were possible.

Give yourself some credit...you are barely on week two so it can still feel quite devastating and unbearable. Even though it was only a 6 month relationship, it still hurts and that is understandable. Don't contact him and focus on yourself It will get better.

Sounds like you could just have easily been the one to end it with him. Why didn't you? Before he did, I mean?

Congrats on your healing. Wait, so you have been in no contact for 1 year or 1 year since the breakup?

I met an amazing new man that makes me feel so amazing.

be careful. only *you* can make yourself feel amazing. no outside validation is necessary congrats, nonetheless.

Thanks sky, I am very happy one year post break up. And yes people can make you feel a certain way, that's called human emotion and there is nothing wrong with that. It's when you rely on someone to feel good that is not good. If you read above, I inform engraved that I am the one in charge of my own happiness.

Hi trust, as I briefly explained, I always felt like in the back of my mind he would change and I could have the relationship I wanted with him. I learned that you cannot make people change, they have to want change themselves. You can only control your own path.

And that's correct. We haven't spoken in a year. Neither of us have tried to contact one another.

overthemoon86 thank you for this wonderful post, I hope for further success and someday I'll get to post my own success story.

OP, did you ever have a time where you felt like you couldn't find someone better than your Ex? I keep comparing my Ex to everyone else I know, and it just seems like she is the best girl I've ever met, and that the future just seems a bit hopeless.

Hi jack - I am sorry you are going through this right now. I can certainly relate to your pain. I never compared anyone to him because I never wanted anyone else LOL. That was a dead giveaway to me that I was not ready for another relationship. I needed time to heal. I needed time to make me the most important person in my life. If everyone you talk to you compare to your ex you are not ready for another relationship yet and that is okay. Take time to get over your ex and when you open yourself up to new experiences it will be then that you find someone great to share your time with and there will be no comparison necessary

Hi overthemoon, thanks for your post I really needed it! I broke up with the guy I was crazy for back when I was 22. I'm now 28. The first 2 years for me where really difficult. I'm not sure how I managed. I just remember feeling really lonely and hollow for days that never seemed to end. I just wanted to fast forward through it all somehow but the days ached on, and the nights of solitude where just the worse. I remember waking up to an empty bed every morning. No morning hugs, or anything, just me in that cold empty bed. It made me feel sick to my stomach for a very long time. Time does heal things.

I made the mistake of getting into bad habits when I should have been recovering. I would drink and date men I had no interest in. It made me feel even worse, because I didn't understand why I couldn't just move on and be happy. I then realized a lot of things about myself. I noticed that it really wasn't just the fact my ex was gone, but also a lot of other things in my life where making me terribly depressed. Once I worked on those things, I became a much happier person. I made a list of things that were holding me back in life. I called the list "The castle wall" I wanted to destroy that wall. I wanted to shoot cannons at it and watch the bricks crumble away and on the other side there would be green pastures, sun and beautiful forests as far as the eye could see (hey it really helped lol!)

My list was something like this:

Get a better education (this one took forever. I remember studying for exams and thinking I couldn't pass them. I remember wanting to give up. I still crunched through the work though despite having bags under my eyes and a serious coffee addiction, and eventually I got my degree

Having no debts what-so-ever. (I had this phone debt that was making me miserable. I felt like I couldn't save any money because that debt kept looming over everything. So what I did was pay it off 200 bucks a month. I didn't buy anything for myself at all. I only bought really cheap food. What I thought would take me a year to pay off, ended up taking me just 2 months. I payed it off and changed my phone plan to something more affordable."

Get involved with my passions (mine are art, and wild cats So I started volunteering at a wildlife refuge just outside of the city which I used to volunteer at before. This made me happy on levels unheard of, even with my ex. I just loved waking up every morning at this point! I loved going into work seeing all the kitties and such. I also donated drawings I made to the centre and they put them up on the walls there.

Those were some of mine and doing things like this instead of drinking or not wanting to leave my bed, is what helped me heal. Today I have a family and a handsome son, and live in a really nice area. Once you start doing things in your life to heal, it has a rolling effect. Suddenly good things will start happening in your life without you even really trying!

Thanks sky, I am very happy one year post break up. And yes people can make you feel a certain way, that's called human emotion and there is nothing wrong with that. It's when you rely on someone to feel good that is not good. If you read above, I inform engraved that I am the one in charge of my own happiness.

 

Hi trust, as I briefly explained, I always felt like in the back of my mind he would change and I could have the relationship I wanted with him. I learned that you cannot make people change, they have to want change themselves. You can only control your own path.

 

And that's correct. We haven't spoken in a year. Neither of us have tried to contact one another.

Oh wow. It's been 8 months for me. Did you ever think & hope that during this 1 year period that he will contact you, ever? If so, how long did it take for this to go away or do you still think about this? Because it's been 8 months for me but I sometimes check my old email account thinking she may have contacted me, or go to bed dreaming that one day she will contact me again.

Anyway thanks for the post. You deserve many pats on the back till you get a sore back.

Hi trust, thank you for the reply and don't worry, healing can feel like a roller coaster sometimes. One minute you are doing fine and the next you are begging the sky to send your ex back...I have been there! Of course I hoped that he would contact me, I went to bed thinking, praying, hoping that he would send me a text or an email, maybe even a phone call. There were many times that I spent hours writing up the perfect text or email that would take every ounce of will power to not send. I wanted so badly to talk to him, the silence was like having my left arm ripped off. But I am telling you, as time went on, that desire became less and less...I am not sure if it ever goes away, but the pain of wanting that person to reach out does. It no longer hurts me that he up and left me for me to never hear from him again. I don't think about it as frequently anymore. You train yourself to shift your focus on your own goals, dreams, reality, rather than dwelling on the fact that your ex is gone. Then that "training" just becomes naturally and your thoughts don't go there anymore.

Just keep focused on you, keep positive, and open yourself up to new experiences. Everything will work out the way that it is supposed to

Thank you so much for this post, it was really inspiring and I can certainly relate. I'm currently in college and my relationship with my ex lasted for most of my college career thus far. Part of me is thankful that it ended when it did because I get to experience college as a single woman with what time I have left here. The problem for me is that my ex has not left me alone like your ex did after the break up. My ex reaches out to me when he wants comfort and when he's lonely, and he pushes me away when he feels i am inconvenient. He has done this multiple times. I slept at his place last night. I have been powerless to him and I just want to escape. But, at the same time, the past 8 months since the break up have been, like you said, challenging but life-changing. I've learned so much about myself and I would not, could not trade this experience for anything. I know that my last step needs to be removing myself from him once and for all. I have thought that I had achieved this SO many times, I've done NC and made progress with moving on, and then he decides to pursue me until I finally give in again. It's awful.

One question, how did you meet your current boyfriend? I'm excited for the possibility of meeting someone new, but I know it won't happen until I stop seeing my ex.

Hi Sarah! So sorry you are going through a difficult time and I know during college years you are learning so much about yourself which can feel confusing at times. Most guys who are in that 18-22 year old phase will only do things that are convenient for them especially when dealing with a breakup....they are not mature! Unfortunately, your ex does not care about your feelings and is actually using you to move on. Once he finds someone else, he will most likely cut ties with you completely or go behind the other girls back (which is terrible).

You need to completely remove yourself from the situation in order to heal and feel better. You mentioned you feel trapped and you need to escape - this requires you to not speak with him anymore. Ignore his phone calls, text messages, emails. Certainly do not go sleep at his house. Get your power back! You need to feel in control again. He needs to go!

I met my current boyfriend at a bar in my town. It was very unexpected and I wasn't looking for anything at the time...it was about 8 months after the break up with my ex. We literally have been inseparable every since, it worked out really well, he is a great guy.

Don't make it the goal to find someone else because if you do, you are putting too much pressure on yourself and the other person to fill your void. You won't be happy. You always find someone when you least expect it, so keep an open mind!

overthemoon, thanks so much for this thread. i really needed it. I'm 22 and my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me 4 months ago. we were together through high school and college and i can honestly say my entire world was and still is shattered and i feel like I've made no progress since day 1. he's all i think about, talk about, etc. he broke up with me because he said he can't go through life only ever being with/dating one girl. he told me he isn't sure if I'm "the one" - that he couldn't say for sure that I'm not but he also couldn't say for sure that i am unless he takes the time to date. our break up feels very open ended and unresolved to me. we've kept in contact kind of on and off - usually me initiating but he always reciprocates. he's now dating someone new casually and i feel absolutely torn apart about it and it feels like i will never move on and feel happy ever again.

whats killing me the most is that he has told me that he can't tell me whether this break up is permanent or not - that he needs to date other girls and have other experiences so he has something to compare our relationship to so he can know what makes him happiest and confirm what he really wants going forward. i feel like I'm clinging onto the little bit of hope that he will be back but he's told me not to wait around that he can't guarantee anything and he's open to getting serious with someone else. he's also told me that if he does come back he can't give me any kind of time frame - it might be a couple more months, might be in a few years, etc.

do you have any words of wisdom for how to change my attitude? i feel like I'm moping and wallowing but to me that honestly makes me feel more ok than forcing myself to pretend to be happy sometimes. i feel so hopeless and lost

hi there, thank you for your note, and I am sorry you are going through this right now. I know how difficult it can feel. 7 years is a very long time and essentially you grew up with this person. It can feel like your arms were ripped off your body and you can't function. But I can promise you as someone who has been there, it DOES and WILL get better. You are stronger than you think. Just trust yourself.

First of all (this is going to sound harsh but it comes from a place of love) the relationship is OVER. It is not coming back. He broke up with you, he does not want to be with you anymore and that is it. I can tell you the break up is PERMANENT and you need to treat it that way. This relationship is DONE. Once you begin to accept that, your healing can begin.

He is already seeing someone new and I know that it hurts a lot, but that is his right. Relationships are not prison. He did the ethical thing by ending things with you and going out and dating other people. There is nothing wrong with that. It may feel horrible to you, but he can and will do that. It is really difficult to expect someone at the age of 22 who has only dated one person to not want to experience new relationships with other people because you need those experiences to learn about yourself. You need to do that too. (Not yet) When you feel healed and ready for new experiences, it is really important to be open to other people.

You need to end contact. Now. Do not text him, call him, email him. This is delaying your healing and you are still holding out hope for him to change is mind. That is not going to happen unless he wants to. There is nothing you will do or say that will make him come back. He has to want that and from his conversations with you, he does not want that right now. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop communication, focus on yourself and move forward.

At 22 years old, you are too young to worry about things like this. Find yourself, experience life, meet new people, try new things. This is the prime of your life, don't miss out. The right person will come into your life at the right time. Surround yourself with friends and family, their support will help you through this.

Congrats! Another success story. I wish I would have avoided letter B. In retrospect, my reason was pretty dumb. But anyways, congratulations!!!

hey there...what is letter B?? I am not following, LOL

hey there...what is letter B?? I am not following, LOL

Either female dog or breakup.

Either female dog or breakup.

Seems pretty cryptic, LOL

Hello ENAers!!!

I hope summer is treating everyone fabulously!!

I figured I would give everyone a 6 month update as I have had a lot of great things happen recently. Hopefully this will give readers who are suffering from a breakup inspiration that life does and WILL get better!!

1. TRAVEL: This summer I got to travel to some amazing places that I would have only dreamed about a year ago. I absolutely love traveling and exploring new cultures so I feel incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to travel this summer. I went to Ireland for 10 days in May/June to see my best friend get married. I explored Cork, Kinsale, Kilarney, Limmerick, and Galway. It really was a trip of a lifetime and exceeded my expectations on every level. The food was amazing, the sights were incredible, and the people were so friendly. I will definitely visit again! I also just got back from Portugal!! My boyfriends family is from the Azores so we spent a week seeing family and exploring the island of Sao Miguel. Spectacular views!! It was a place I had never heard of and it turned out to be hidden paradise!! Definitely check out the Azores if you are planning an upcoming vacation

2. JOB: Things have been going so well in my new job. I absolutely love what I am doing now and feel I have such a great impact on my company. I get to create and lead training programs and we have had more structured training than ever before in this business line. Really exciting to be a part of! I also really enjoy recruiting directly for my firm and sharing my story of being an active participant of my company. I cannot say enough about how much I love recruiting and my company!

3. RELATIONSHIP: Probably the biggest and most exciting news of my summer and all of 2015 is that my boyfriend and I moved in together this month! We found an adorable house with a great yard and couldn't be happier. Everything has been going so smoothly with moving, getting organized, and adjusted to our new life under the same roof It has brought me so much happiness that we can share, coexist, and add value to each others lives in such harmony and love. I am really excited about our future together and I know this is just the first step in what will be a beautiful partnership.

So that's what has been happening and I have so much to be grateful for. I want to tell everyone who is suffering from a broken heart that it WILL heal, give yourself time and patience, stay strong in your commitment to YOURSELF, and you will find your way.

Cheers!!

A

Glad to see that you're so happy, A! Keep it up!