Please, need an outsiders opinion.

My name is Adam and I'm 30 years old. This is my first post here, but I don't know where else to go.

I've been dating a girl for almost two months now. Keep in mind, we've spent time together probably 15 times or so by now. to me that's a lot of time together. It's always fun and I feel we have great chemistry. We had sex on the 5th date which was about 2 weeks in. Since we've met I've stayed over her place numerous times since we first slept together, she seems comfortable when we're together ie cuddling, etc.

Unfortunately, I feel like I'm really falling for her, thinking about her most of the time. I did make the mistake of letting her know that I wasn't interested in seeing anyone else about 3 weeks in. She replied that she just thought we should take it slow. Fast forward another 3 weeks or so to where we are now, I still see her a lot but it's obvious that I'm better with talking about my feelings then she is, admittedly she said so. I know that I want to be in a relationship with her and I know I don't want to see anyone else at this point. Weve probably seen each other 3-4 times a week, so I believe she's into me as well, but it's terrible not getting much of any verbal assurance or clarification of where we are as a pair. I've boticed I've lost some weight, most likely to the stress I've been feeling.

When she wanted to take things slow I agreed with her and didn't want to do anything that I thought would be too fast or put pressure on her, but it's wearing me down. Everyone tells ,e you know when you know. Well I know, how do I get a good gauge of where she is? Do I just come out and ask if we're exclusive and if I'm the only one she's dating? I don't want to push her away but not knowing is really killing me. I don't know who else to ask. would be nice if I could just go with the flow and not worry so much, but I haven't been into a woman like I am into her.

My first thought was to be direct the next time I see her and try to get answers, one way or another. Any advice would be appreciated.

Play it cool. That is what she is looking for. Find something to distract you. She seems like the type (like me) that doesn't want an obsessive boyfriend. So these are tests. Show her you are fine without her. If she starts wanting more, give her more.

Everyone has different rules for dating and what they're comfortable with. I can tell you personally, if I am dating someone for two months and already having sex. I definitely want to be sexually exclusive to avoid STDs and I'd prefer to be exclusive that she's no longer dating.

Sounds like you already have strong feelings brewing, while she still needs to catch up. Unfortunately you can't rush this, it'll eventually come for her as well if it's supposed to. I'd just ask, no big deal.

Hanging out 3-4 times a week already is a lot. Are you making sure you're not losing yourself? Not turning down friend's invitations to spend time with her, avoiding your own responsibilities, etc? A little space is good.

Everyone has different rules for dating and what they're comfortable with. I can tell you personally, if I am dating someone for two months and already having sex. I definitely want to be sexually exclusive to avoid STDs and I'd prefer to be exclusive that she's no longer dating.

 

Sounds like you already have strong feelings brewing, while she still needs to catch up. Unfortunately you can't rush this, it'll eventually come for her as well if it's supposed to. I'd just ask, no big deal.

 

Hanging out 3-4 times a week already is a lot. Are you making sure you're not losing yourself? Not turning down friend's invitations to spend time with her, avoiding your own responsibilities, etc? A little space is good.

What would you ask exactly? I've kept most of all of this inside of me in order to not come off too clingy or to put pressure on her. No I haven't cancelled any plans with friends and have kept up with job etc. they weren't all proper dates per say. Quite a few were spontaneous "hey what are you doing tonight" type hang outs. Thanks for your response.

Thank you for the response. I've done everything I could think of to distract myself and to even not send a text some days to see if she would send one instead of only replying. She's asked me to hang out, recently a little more so, but before that it was usually me. I saw it as just me being the pursuer, but have become a little self conscious about it.

Some people don't initiate enough, I was the same way. I "pursued" my girlfriend for awhile, but then backed off to test the waters so to speak. I was definitely nervous that she wouldn't do anything to reciprocate, but she did. I think part of the joke was I was constantly making sure of next plans... I never gave her a chance to get anything in there.

You're going through the uncertainity phase of the relationship...I bet she is growing slowly more and more attached.

What would I ask? Start with, hey we've been having sex for over a month...I'd like us to be sexually exclusive, you can throw in I don't like to share, jokingly. I brought it up early on so I knew what I'm standing on. Some people continue to date others for months until they "choose" who they want to be with. I'm traditional I suppose and don't roll like that, so I like to know who I'm dealing with.

its probably my fault for waiting this long and torturing myself. Her pointing out she wanted to take it slow, granted I was moving too quickly, sort of spooked me from asking too much about serious stuff. I've always been more of a relationship person more so than a hook up type of guy. I've sort if backed off and had long days at work wondering if she would text me first or inquire about a date. At this point, a lot of time has been spent with her and I see it more as a lot of time spent together more so than only a month and 3 weeks or so. Waiting and wondering if she'll come around is the hardest part. I wonder if she has a hard time expressing feelings is because she somehow isn't comfortabke enough with me yet or if it's more just part of her character. She is 29 btw.

I would say something like I understand you want to take things slow and I think that's a good thing. But I just want to make sure we are on the same page. I don't want to rush anything, but we've been dating for almost two months, I am serious about seeing where this goes and I am not seeing anyone else, I would to know if you are on the same page. See what she says.

You can also tell her this doesn't mean you are making it "official" or anything, just seeing where things go, with only each other. If she says she is and/or would like to keep dating others, I would tell her you are not comfortable with that and would have to unfortunately "drop out of the running" if she would like to do that. Then follow through. She has the freedom to date others and you have the freedom to choose not to participate.

Current bf used a similar line on me, I had to think about it for a day because it was very early on in the dating process, but he was simply not comfortable with "multidating". I can respect that those are his boundaries and its up to me to decide if I want to keep seeing him and drop other guys. And I chose to give him a shot, which says a lot really. Honestly if she can't give you exclusivity at 2 months, she's probably not that into you.

That's good advice and it seems really simple. Thank you. Next time I see her I think I'll give that a shot. Like you said, I should be more aware of where we are at this point. Might just be time to take the initiative for better or worse.

This x 1000.

You always have a right to know where you stand in any situation. My boundaries are similar to yours in that if I'm interested in a girl i cut out everyone else and focus on that one girl.

It's all about having boundaries and not putting yourself in a limbo situation where you don't know what the expectations and the boundaries are.

I mean your seeing her 4 times a week what more does she need to make it official.

Good luck and i hope it swings the way you want.

Honestly if she can't give you exclusivity at 2 months, she's probably not that into you.

This. 2 months of dating should be enough for someone to at least know if they want to be exclusive.

I second what was said above. Make sure you are still spending time with your friends and time with yourself. AKA, with my ex, I would go from work to my boyfriend and back again so much that I rarely would leave work and go home, or spend a day off alone. It was always with him. I didn't get to step back and be alone more then maybe one night per week, and on a new relationship, that is way too much. Make sure you are still making plans with family and friends and taking a day to yourself where you aren't just texting her.

So what we all see here is that you are all in and are now waiting...

You did go a little fast so slow down and like BigK said let her catch up. You didn't ruin anything but you need to remember how this is for her.

The way you have devoted yourself to her she knows she has you on the hook and you are not going anywhere so she has no fear that anyone else will snatch you up. That puts her in a position of security and power in her mind. She is now free to take her time and review her options at her leisure. There is nothing wrong with what she is doing nor is there anything wrong with what you are doing other than going a bit fast. They are just different is all.

If you are always in contact, always together how can she miss you? How can she sit and day dream about you? Many times feelings build in the absence of the other but you haven't allowed that to happen. You know how you can't wait to see her? Well she should feel that way too don't you think?

Back off a little and if she asks why just tell her that you thought about what she said about slowing things down and you think she was absolutely right.

Chances are she is into you from what you wrote but if she is just using you as a place holder until something better comes along you need to know so you don't waste anymore time on her.

Remember she liked the guy that had his own life when she met you so don't give up that life!

Good luck

Lost

Thanks everyone. It is very foreign to me to be in this situation emotionally. In my experience the girl was always the first to aggressively seek a relationship. For the last couple weeks I've been trying to walk the fine line of playing it cool and the worrying about not showing enough interest. Seems silly to think that way given what I'm sure I've already shown her. It's been a very long time since I've experiences theses highs and lows. I can go all day at work feeling as low as one could, then near the end of the evening she'll text me or ask what I'm doing that night and I jump to such a strong high. I really wish I didn't get such strong feelings this soon, that isn't what usually happens with me.

You sound a lot like me OP! The highs and lows are a awful way to spend your day. I actually was the one waiting for him to text me everyday. I would not reach out at all because I thought the man should pursue. If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me kind of attitude.

One day, I hadn't heard from him all day, which was driving me crazy. I get a text at about 8:48pm that night from him saying, "I have been waiting all day for you to text me" I had to laugh because I was waiting all day too for him to text me. We talked about it and he said, I always have to text you first and he was right. I told him you're right and I'm sorry about that. So I started to text him first during the day and it was hard at first, but I got used to it.

My other reason was that I text him sometimes he wouldn't reply. I just have a hard time with that personally. He would do that sometimes and this conversation open me up to ask him. He said the only reason he wouldn't respond is if he was working with someone or didn't hear it. So there you go. This waiting to text or call someone is really not okay. I realized that I was playing games. So I would just talk to her about this or text her when you feel like it and stop wondering about why she isn't contacting you.

I agree with this because I've always been against anyone playing any sort of games. I don't want to play games but I also don't want her to take me for granted since I've already put myself out there a bit.

I'm currently stuck between playing it cool and letting her open up to me when or if she wants to, or putting it out there that I want to be sure we're exclusive at this point and risk it.

Just heard from her, I asked her if anything was going on tonight, she said she was thinking of just going home and not doing anything tonight, but asked if I wanted to do something tomorrow. I said that it was cool. This is obviously something I should wait to ask her in person, right?! Sorry my heads been all over the place lately.

Yes ask her in person.

Now she asked if I could go to her work and give her a jump when I get out since her battery is dead. Which will probably lead to us hanging out. I don't know if it would be the right time since I'm sure she's having a rough day and didn't want to hang out before she found that her car was dead. Or maybe I should just help her out and take off? She offered to buy me a couple of beers if I helped out.

I was in the same position as you are but probably worse. Some girls aren't in to relationships or maybe its the wrong time with her... if you can you have to not chase her and push her with the commitment questions thats for the girl to decide its feminine energy you don't want to keep nagging her you'll eventually become needy, insecure and unattractive in her eyes but I know how you feel I too was loosing weight because of this its very stress full. Try and break your attachment that you have if you can, try not texting her or calling her see if she initiates anything don't be the one always chasing. If you have the patients she will come to you and open up more as time goes on and she sees your true masculinity... but sometimes you'll end up hurting your self more in the process if you can not control your emotions I've been there as well, keep it casual if you can, date other women as well as her try and take all your focus off of her and back into your self, meditate if you have too! but try and understand what she's looking for if she wants to date other guys I would be out of there!! unless you can do that too your self...

see how you go when you hang out, if everything goes well and you're having a good time, you could ask at the end of the evening. If not, if she seems stressed and not in the mood for serious conversation, leave it to another time.

you already agreed to tomorrow and you seem concerned about coming on too strong? It does appear you may be a little ahead of her emotionally.

I would help her with her car and let her know you have other plans for the evening. . don't bluff, make plans. . Help her. .hug her and tell her you are off to the

gym or something else and are looking forward to seeing her tomorrow.

Give her the gift of missing you. .or thinking about you.

When I talk to a man about exclusivity I am careful to frame it in such a way that I stating what I need (globally) and it comes from a place of confidence. I am also careful that I am not asking them directly for something from them.

For example my last dating experience (that recently ended) I told him that I am not comfortable having casual sex and I understood that he had just recently gotten out of relationship and from what I could tell not ready to be exclusive and I encouraged him to do what's right for him but at the same time I needed to do what was right for me. We agreed to agree.

If he had been interested in any thing other than casual he would have spoken up then.

I like your idea, but would totally be bluffing since I don't have anything going on tonight and most likely won't. I'm not sure what you meant by the first sentence, but I'm always afraid of coming on too strong anymore.

Update

"Alright welll scratch that...someone here can jump me that leaves at 10. But now I need a drink so we should do that anyway.."