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Thanks B, you always have a sense of fairness.

 

I typically don't mind. The pop up of my past reminded me of that. But I wouldn't withhold that and I wouldn't view it as a potential problem. I would be transparent about it. Uneventful, actually.

 

But his choice of words. `didn't mention her because it could be problem?' What problem exactly?

 

That and he initiated the contact with a song that reminded him of a moment together. That's a little personal, IMO.

 

But I am not his keeper. I just want us to be on the same page with these things and be respectful when they do happen.

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Like your attitude, reinvent. And Batya's. And Jib's.

 

I think there is a fine line—more like a fine chasm, really—between a moment like this and being someone's "keeper." It's awkward, yes, and a less-than-ideal moment. But as you've described it? Sounds like a good one. He listened, heard you, understood. He saw a place where his behavior was not only at odds with what you need for emotional security, but also, perhaps, what he needs to ensure your relationship continues to thrive.

 

In a utopia, sure, these boundaries would always be understood, perfectly, and everything would be harmonious. But I think the world we live in, and connect in, is better than a utopia. We get to grow, and learn—and, in the best relationships, we get to learn more about ourselves by learning more about another. If such "learning lessons" or "teaching moments," particularly in this vein, were a weekly or monthly occurrence—well, ugh. But this is far from that, by the sounds of it.

 

Sorry about it, though, and hope you're feeling better.

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Like your attitude, reinvent. And Batya's. And Jib's.

 

I think there is a fine line—more like a fine chasm, really—between a moment like this and being someone's "keeper." It's awkward, yes, and a less-than-ideal moment. But as you've described it? Sounds like a good one. He listened, heard you, understood. He saw a place where his behavior was not only at odds with what you need for emotional security, but also, perhaps, what he needs to ensure your relationship continues to thrive.

 

In a utopia, sure, these boundaries would always be understood, perfectly, and everything would be harmonious. But I think the world we live in, and connect in, is better than a utopia. We get to grow, and learn—and, in the best relationships, we get to learn more about ourselves by learning more about another. If such "learning lessons" or "teaching moments," particularly in this vein, were a weekly or monthly occurrence—well, ugh. But this is far from that, by the sounds of it.

 

Sorry about it, though, and hope you're feeling better.

 

Very well put -I agree!!

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This is my third full day at work and it's more than half way through. I have done absolutely zero the entire week and the next two days do not look any different.

 

It's just a weirdest feeling. I am about to get my performance review and my 3% cost of living increase. At this point they pay me for taking up space.

 

The culture here has changed so much in the past few years. The department I am a supervisor in has become so automated. Between myself and other supervisor, we had 9 employees between us. Now we have 4 and they aren't busy either. I delegate some of my own work to keep them busy.

 

Our newer CEO runs this company entirely different than in the past. More than half of the staff can work remotely a couple days a week. I walk the halls and some departments are like ghost towns. If part of what we do is provide a service for the staff, they aren't even here a good part of the time!

 

I try to stay one step ahead, trying to forecast what will happen. My boss, who's a year younger than I am has been here for 30 years. He's basically the nutty professor and his only purpose is to come out of his office and stir things up once every other week. He has no idea what the rest of us do and because he feels irrelevant (by choice) he merely shows up to mix things up and then leaves. We just put it back the way it was previously. He has no interest, he's disconnected and complacent.

 

We all know we need to restructure this department. It just is not working. Well it is. It's just not work. I can only assume he's afraid to let me go because he'd have to absorb my duties. When and if I do get a project, it's challenging and he wouldn't know where to start. He's wiggled his way out of everything up until this point, he surely doesn't want more responsibility. He defers to me constantly and he wouldn't know where to start when and IF something came down the pipe.

 

I often hope they'd lay me off. It's better than giving notice. So, it's a waiting game at this point. It's rather absurd that I drive 3 1/2 to 4 hours a day to sit in a window less office with nothing to do. Just to go home, go to bed and do it all over again.

 

We are about to upgrade our phone system. ETA is end of March, beginning of April. I was sent to training last week and so for that matter I figure he'll need me for a few more weeks. But between now and then. . .it's just a bizarre existence. I just exist.

 

I've never been good at sitting still. I've quit jobs that were boring and didn't have challenges. But I can't leave this one expecting the same pay elsewhere.

 

I feel like one of those working dogs, a police dog that needs a purpose. Without one they turn neurotic. . lol

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Is there anything else you can work on while you're there? Personal stuff? Fine-tune your master plan to overthrow the current world order?

 

Maybe you can take up a hobby and practice it while you're there. Something small and innocuous.

 

I once did a conference call while bead weaving. It was a fun experience. I was working from home and running a construction meeting and nobody knew that I was weaving a piece of jewelry with a needle and thread :D

 

It was actually very relaxing.

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Is there anything else you can work on while you're there? Personal stuff? Fine-tune your master plan to overthrow the current world order?

 

Maybe you can take up a hobby and practice it while you're there. Something small and innocuous.

I tried listening to an audible book I listen to in the car. Too much distraction. I had to keep backing it up.

I've been taking care of personal business and trying to wrap my mothers estate/trustee taxes. All of this is a part time job in of itself.

 

That and dinking around on here :)

Staff pops into my office asking questions. . so knitting it out. . lol

 

I go for walks everyday in the hotel a couple buildings away. Without giving it away it's a landmark and has an unusual footprint inside. The upper levels have vacant office spaces. I can do laps in there for an hour a day with my music in my ear. It's a controlled environment so I have no excuse that it's too hold, too cold or too crowded.

 

I had a tourist ask me the time yesterday! I was trying not to think about the corona virus, but it is a hotel full of people from different cultures after all.

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  • 1 month later...

Week 5? I've lost count and don't care to go back and find out. I was in a conference call yesterday discussing how we will fold out a return to work program. Being in operations, I'll be back day one. I feel so conflicted by that.

 

Part of me is miserable being home isolated. I now know what home arrest feels like, I just don't have the ankle bracelet to show for it. I am tied to my lap top. I wake it every 20 minutes to see basically no activity. But I am still accountable and still on the clock. The days drag by.

 

I run on the anxious side anyway and pacing my home alone fuels my anxiety. I associate it with a time in my life when I was married, a stay at home mom. While my ex was always working and not even coming home at night and my sons were at the age of being very social. Between school and friends they were gone as well. My world was small and (though I couldn't admit it at the time) I had no friends, by my ex's doing. I was so miserable and disconnected from stuffing all my disappointments, I started having panic attacks. What was really confusing is I am not afraid to be alone. Being somewhat of an introvert, I need my alone time. But there is a difference between some alone time and being isolated. I often reflect back to the younger me, where being home alone was never an issue. I know it makes no sense, but I want someone here, but then I want them leave. It a frustrating riddle I can't solve. It' the crux as to why I've had serious relationship yet never remarried and have no desire to live together.

 

Long story short, those very panic attacks during the end of my marriage landing me in therapy and from there the realization of my toxic marriage unfolded and ultimately ended. But the uneasiness and anxiety of being alone has never really gone away.

 

It's such and internal struggle. I yearn for alone time, but at some point the anxiety monster creeps in. In therapeutic terms, it's myself I am afraid of facing. Being alone with my feelings. I understand this logically and I sit in the middle of it and try to sort it out. It's so much better, but never gone.

 

I want and fear retirement. I get that if I was retired I certainly wouldn't be chained to my dining room table alone like I am right now. But I do fear the anxiety. I haven't had the opportunity to test it in this way. It does rattle me some.

 

S spent the day with me last week while I was 'working' I was anxious and agitated. I didn't want him to leave just as much as I wish he would just go home. I didn't realize it until the following day. With him here, I just sat on the patio with him and did nothing. All day. He'd be looking at his phone and doze off. I'd go in and unload the dishwasher or walk out and sweep the front court yard when he wasn't looking. 'Watcha doin?' he'd ask. I'd go sit back down.

 

I realized the next day while home alone working, I never sit down. I futz around, I rearranged my sock drawer, I read on this forum, I baked banana bread, painted my toenails. I am not so much bothered by his presence, but more so myself, that I limited my activity while he was here which led to me feeling miserable and anxious. I haven't felt this way in years and I am not happy to be in the middle of something uncomfortably familiar.

 

Since then I've made excuses for S to not come over while I am on the clock. He's coming over this afternoon and I just need to be direct with him how I feel. He's is welcome and wanted here. . but I will likely be keeping busy the entire time.

 

I am worried about what going back to work will look like. During the conference call yesterday and while everyone was coming up with plans for directional paths and limiting the number of people access to the lunch room and so forth and so on, I spoke up and added that there are a certain number of staff that are flexible and then a good number of those less tolerant that will be blowing up my phone with complaints. I was very clear that I will not be the Covid police when we return and any concerns will deferred to HR to handle. It sounded good to say it out loud, even though I know better. It will expected for me to make great efforts to resolve complaints before I escalate it to HR.

 

It's going to be tense and I don't know if I am up for it.

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I really appreciate you sharing all this because it's authentic -the struggle, the internal conflict and I think this situation brings up so much intensity and mood swings. It's ok. S sounds like he goes with the flow and I get your push and pull internal feelings -you want him there.... but not really....

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I really appreciate you sharing all this because it's authentic -the struggle, the internal conflict and I think this situation brings up so much intensity and mood swings. It's ok. S sounds like he goes with the flow and I get your push and pull internal feelings -you want him there.... but not really....

 

Uhhhg, I've repeated this pattern over and over in different ways. My oldest son moved home twice and I went from being happy to have him, to being relieved when he was staying the night at his gf's. He moves out and - I cry. Twice. But while he was here I found myself avoiding him.

 

I went through the attachments styles in therapy. . I guessed anxious attachment the therapist said no, ambivalent. Sums it up, pretty much.

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Thanks for sharing this, reinvent. And big hugs.

 

I can so relate, in my own way. Until quite recently, I lived my whole life alone—less a conscious choice than, I think, the natural result of a related impulse. I love people, and probably love being around them more than not, but I often feel I can't fully "recharge" unless I'm on my own. I throw the dinner party, sometimes literally, while also longing for the party to end before it starts.

 

S, from what you've shared, certainly sounds like he's got a great nature to compliment this. Of course, that does not change the way it feels, inside. It's a bit woo-woo and yogic, I know, but have you ever met these feelings with the thought of: they are okay, they are exactly what you're supposed to be feeling, when you feel them? Works for me—a bit, at times.

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Thanks for sharing this, reinvent. And big hugs.

 

I can so relate, in my own way. Until quite recently, I lived my whole life alone—less a conscious choice than, I think, the natural result of a related impulse. I love people, and probably love being around them more than not, but I often feel I can't fully "recharge" unless I'm on my own. I throw the dinner party, sometimes literally, while also longing for the party to end before it starts.

 

S, from what you've shared, certainly sounds like he's got a great nature to compliment this. Of course, that does not change the way it feels, inside. It's a bit woo-woo and yogic, I know, but have you ever met these feelings with the thought of: they are okay, they are exactly what you're supposed to be feeling, when you feel them? Works for me—a bit, at times.

 

I don't think it's woo woo at all -makes a lot of sense to me!

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Thanks to both of you! (group hug)

 

A big thanks for the reminder BC. Sometimes wrestling with something makes it worse. Often times it calls for acceptance and letting go. This is one of them. This is who I am. I just need to embrace it.

 

Not the best day yesterday. Too much time on my hands isn't always a good thing.

 

On top of everything my mom's home is finally in escrow. Without going into it too much (because I'll just get worked up over it) my mother's place is considered a coop. They operate by their own by laws and it's not like conventional real estate. So they basically interpret the terms to their benefit. It changes daily.

 

Every day there is something they demand, from the return of her ID card, or the fine is $500. Mind you she died in 2018. Why this is a condition of escrow 18 mo later makes me livid. Good thing I still had it.

My brother worked for the US government with Sec4 clearance and a lost card would cost $25.

 

Typical home inspections cost $250. They charge $1500. . .and so and so on.

 

Anyway . .I said I wouldn't go into it. (ha!) But it's something every day and they'll figure out a way to spend the $8k deposit before we are done. Mind you, due the pandemic we sacrificed 40k from the asking price.

 

It's so emotionally tied, because it's my mom's place. The last thing left in the long list of things to wrap up since she passed away. It's almost over, but in this current tense environment it isn't helping me sleep at night.

 

I lied awake last night and promised myself I wasn't going to fret over it any of anymore. I dropped what I was doing in the middle of the day yesterday (while on the clock) to meet an inspector(who didn't show and hasn't returned my call) to discuss these trees they want to remove at our expense? My mom never planted trees and doesn't the HOA pay for the grounds keep? I give up. You can't win with these people and they know it.

 

Uhg. . I am just not answering my phone or emails for the next week. No matter what they'll think of ways to keep the 8k. It's just not worth it anymore. Like my signature, it is what it is.

 

It's going to be in the 90's here! Luckily S's home has the best yard with palms trees. We'll sit outside all weekend and hopefully drink enough wine that I won't care.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I picked up the escrow check last week and cried all the way home. It's just such a weird feeling that I will never return to her home again. Old grief flushes back up and I am home alone with hours to reflect on things. Last week was a blur.

 

I am here at work today.. The only one in the office and though I am done, I am so happy to be out of the house I don't want to go back!

 

I've gone on and on about the changes at my work over the years and how my job has become so redundant. Now having just read an article about the top 3 industries impacted from the pandemic (just one persons opinion) Of course, department stores. They've been suffering for a while. All of this just puts a nail in it. The second one I don't recall because I jumped ahead to the third. `office operations' Commercial real estate and office leasing has been plummeting over the years and now with everyone figuring out to manage remotely, the office culture we've come accustomed to will never look the same. Without that, there is no job for me. That hasn't been much of one prior to this. Meanwhile I just wait to see how this all plays out.

 

I lay awake planning my strategy. What freaked me out before, doesn't today. I think it's because I won't be alone in all of this and there (hopefully) will be financial aid that is ongoing. I don't think I'll need it, but it's the healthcare that keeps me awake at night. Deep breath. . . wait n' see

 

I don't think I mentioned it but my youngest son and his wife are expecting! They are having a gender reveal party on Saturday and what was supposed to be immediate, social distancing family only. . maybe 10 of us - is now 30. Ugh. Darn kids! I can't say anything other than rsvp yes or no. I'll go, but I might not stay. I will play it by ear. But I have to say I am so excited!

 

We could use a little excitement right now to take our minds off of other things.

Stay tuned!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Another long day alone.

One of my friends mentioned a back yard/social distance happy hour this week and by the looks of things, it ain't happenin'

It's the one thing I looked forward to!

 

I could easily put it out there and invite the girls over. My patio is all tricked out after all this time off. I've redone most of the plants and planter beds, lights, furniture etc. But I've had the girls over a couple times. I need to get out of here!! Not keep inviting people over.

I know. First world problem.

 

I get stuck in my head. My best friend is super negative lately. I can't handle it. The other two, K and L were roomates a few years ago and had a falling out. I know things have not quite been the same between them, but I assumed they were for the most part in a good place. Having been alone with each one of them individually lately, I've heard two differing sides and I guess I was wrong. Now I know way too much. I wish I didn't.

 

So I sit here by myself, not wanting to invite two women who barely tolerate each other and my best friend who is really negative. Hummmph. I guess I am not that desperate for company.

 

I would go if it's at someone elses house. At least I feel I have some control over things. Like when to leave ;0] Last time L stayed til 11 and drank an entire bottle of wine herself. Mind you the night started at 5.

 

When they were here, 2 out of the 3 practice zero social distancing and were all over my house. I get things are losening up a bit now. I am too. But these two just got back from the Colorado River Memorial weekend which ended up being a Trump rally melee they participated in. 10s of thousands of people were at the river. She sent me pictures of the packed bars they were at. Suddenly they are now rambling political rhetoric they never had before.

 

Meanwhile for work I am writing up return to work protocals and I'm instructed to tell staff if they have traveled in the past two weeks (anywhere) to not come to work and quarentine for 14 days.

Caught between two extremes. I just to be normal again when nothing feels normal.

 

Meanwhile S will see me everyday if I let him. Tuesday I had to go to work and he announced he is dropping off paper towels from Costco for me. I am not home. He's surprised. I see him later that night. Not sure why it couldn't wait 'til then.

 

Yesterday morning he asks me if I need avocados. I do, but say no because he'd be in his truck in 2 minutes flat. Later he texts me, asking me my choice, pork chops or chicken. I say neither. I already ate. That night he wants to know if I need mushroooms. Aaargh! He's not needy. He's more like an overly enthusiastic kid with loose boundaries.

 

I don't mind some time alone, but I want to freedom to go and do things. I did however wash my windows today!!

 

We are taking the rv down south midweek next week. They have wifi and I can still work. I'll have a view of the marina, instead of my dining room.

Is it Tuesday yet?

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The other two, K and L were roomates a few years ago and had a falling out. I know things have not quite been the same between them, but I assumed they were for the most part in a good place. Having been alone with each one of them individually lately, I've heard two differing sides and I guess I was wrong. Now I know way too much. I wish I didn't.

 

My mom had a friend group that dated back to her high school years.

 

It started out as 5 or 6 women, but the number started to grow a bit as their children got older and left their homes. Maybe they had 8 or 9 people in their heyday.

 

Then a couple of them got into an argument over I don't know what and it pretty much shattered the group.

 

My mom still talks to everyone, but they'll never be that same group that they once were.

 

I thought that was so sad. You've been friends all of these years. Why let an argument do that to you?

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It's not an argument I had. It's a conflict between two really close friends that I happen to spend the most time with. The tension has been there and for the most part I thought everything was ok. But to hear their differing versions most recently it will be hard to look at them the same way. I didn't know they were having such a hard time being in the same room together. Kinda takes the fun out of things.

 

. . .as I am now watching the clock and getting ready to spend time with said friends. The two that can't seem to put their differences aside 3 years later and my friend with never changing endless loop of negativity. There was one more added to the mix and for that I am thankful. She's neutral and very sweet.

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It's not an argument I had. It's a conflict between two really close friends that I happen to spend the most time with. The tension has been there and for the most part I thought everything was ok. But to hear their differing versions most recently it will be hard to look at them the same way. I didn't know they were having such a hard time being in the same room together. Kinda takes the fun out of things.

 

I realize that and I hear you. It sucks. It eventually devastated my mom's friend-group.

 

Something similar has been going on in my own high school friend-group, too. I stay out of it. I don't even want to know the details.

 

It's just a pity, is all.

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S and I took the rv down south for two days. I used the hotspot on my phone so to use my lap top and still work. It was nice to get away but it wasn't all that different from sitting in my dining room to sitting in the dining room of the rv.

I found myself a really antsy. The major tourist city was close by but because of either being on the clock or recent quarentine lifting, going there wasn't an option. So I paced back and forth around the rv park.

 

Unofficial word is we won't be going back into the office until July.

 

I am really trying to enjoy this time because i'll be back here whining when I have to go back. It's like retirement practice. The only difference is I would have the freedom to go somewhere. . anywhere.

 

Last weekend was exhausting. Two sons that are both city employees. . .both on call all weekend and right in the middle of protests. At least they didn't burn the cities down and things are now peaceful. Monday morning I was so emotionally drained, I didn't move from the couch most of the day.

 

While the news channels were showing larger cities and not much from smaller ones, I ended up signing up for twitter to follow the updates for one particular city my son supports. I am thinking 'I've beccome that Mom!' I've been around it my entire adult life. It's an entirely different thing when you are children are doing it.

 

It's overcast and dreary here this weekend. Trying to live in the moment.

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  • 2 months later...

Work is now really busy. We are in the process of changing four data line services to 4 locations and just launched a new voip software. This planning has been going on for about 4 months or more. All along I knew my boss needed some sort of surgery. It's not considered an emergency, but it's been looming non the less. I tried speaking to him personally about a couple days off, seeing that there were windows of time things weren't going on and his surgery had been postponed. Both times I asked he redirected the conversation.

Meanwhile, he and HR are reminding people to take time off. Apparently the amount of vacation accumulated for a company who is now all working remotely is becoming a liabilty. Now they are encouraging staff to cash out their time off.

My boss wont answer my question, so I put it in writing. I told him that 'no' was a sufficient answer, but any answer would be appreciated. He ignored it. I waited two more days reminding him that I was willing to work around him, his surgery and the current projects. His response ' I don't have a surgery date yet'

That was my fourth attempt, but even him updating me about his surgery fell short of giving me a straight answer, so I submitted the time off request through our software system. He approves it. Two days later my coworker points out he has the entire week off during the time I will be on vacation. He scheduled it after he approved my time off. He doesn't even mention it to me. Later that day during a conference call, he was about to sign off when I brought it up. He clearly wasn't intending on telling me at all. I mention to him that I insisted all along that it would be a bad idea if I was off while he was gone considering everything that was going on. He doesn't seem concerned.

He has always loved to play some sort of cat and mouse game with his schedule and won't ever clearly communicate what it is. He'll go as far to lie about it. As if he's the dad and he doesn't want to tell the kids when he'll be home to somehow keep us on our toes?? Which bytheway is insulting, seeing I am a supervisor and he doesn't contribute to the daily operations anyway. His absense in most cases is a non issue.

I am driving home from vacation. A two day 16 hour drive and his boss calls me insisting I fix and phone emergency. Me: How do you suppose I do that while driving through Mount Shasta? Would you like me to pull over and find a wifi somewhere?' Annoyed. She barks 'when will you be home?' Me' 'tomorrow' I changed seats with my bf and start trying to trouble shoot with emails on my phone, texting people to place trouble tickets and make phone calls to support. This is exactly what I thought would happen.

Anyway the long story short, I've been left with a software launch that hasn't been completely configured. I have a staff of 200 working remotely throughout the state with legitimate problems and really stupid questions. I have one out of 4 data lines converted and reps calling me from Century Link with dates and times for the rest to go live. Problem is only person has the porting line info and it isn't me. Each date gets cancelled and rescheduled.

The data lines conflict with the phone software. My boss scheduled a disconnect for one, while at the same time Century Link didn't have the correct informatoin needed to change over. Outside of the software glitches, phone service goes down for an entire location and somehow I am responsible for all of this without any support or information.

If the two big projects and the surgery were known to be inevitable for 4 months, who the heck planned this?

The only thing in my favor is I have one tech who's been my saviour. In his own words, ' I can't keep putting band aids on everything and things need to be configured correctly'. But with out my boss and no support from IT w/o his input that isn't going to happen.

My boss was supposed to out last week. Here it is the following week, with absolutely no update and I am barely getting through each day without feeling like I am going to lose my sh*t.

I did put out an email to my boss and his boss that someone needs to respond to this and without their input regarding configurations and additional licenses I don't know how much longer I can keep sticking my finger in a hole so the artery will stop bleeding. I got a half assed response from my bosses boss. 'How much?' I responded `depends on what you want'

Meanwhile Century link schedules a conference call with me every other day and I don't respond.

 

It's a stupid way to run a business and if I did something like this, I'd lose my job over it.

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