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I'm curious to how you'll respond to Jib. I like her take on the business you're sorting out, along with your own perspective.

 

My response to Jib? Assuming you mean the anxiety part? Spot on. I just don't want to risk making a mistake. It's one of those `things aren't broken, don't fix it' moments.

 

So what, we live a mile apart. Why do we always get twisted about assuming the next step is expected of us? Expected by who's standard standard, exactly?

 

We get asked all the time, now especially approaching the 2 1/2 year mark, what our plans are. Moving in? Getting married?

I need to good reason to do it. Just because someone said so isn't good enough.

 

I've seen way too many people our age take that leap just to have it fall apart. In hindsight they wished they left well enough alone.

 

On the practical side I could retire when my mothers home sells (that could be any minute), and if by either getting married or domestic partnership, S moving in would provide me the medical insurance I would need if I were to retire early.

 

The adjustment to retiring would be huge, add in someone under my roof and together for a great deal of time may too much to handle at once. We wont even mention his mother. . . .

 

But. . then I find myself financially dependent on someone. I was vulnerable and dependent on my ex H. It made leaving very challenging. I swore I would never be in that position again. But I am capable of cutting off my nose, despite my face kinda thing.

 

Time will tell. I am waiting for the answer to show itself. Like a sign in the sky :)

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Why do we always get twisted about assuming the next step is expected of us? Expected by who's standard standard, exactly?

 

I love your attitude.

 

I have always had an almost physical aversion to this idea of the "next step." My cynical theory is that people ask this stuff because they want to affirm their own steps, be it steps they've taken and are doubting or steps they think they "should" be building a life around and want that idea buttressed by others. It is very uncomfortable, for many, to be around people who are doing things differently than you, particularly when they don't seem to be a mess.

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My response to Jib? Assuming you mean the anxiety part? Spot on. I just don't want to risk making a mistake. It's one of those `things aren't broken, don't fix it' moments.

 

So what, we live a mile apart. Why do we always get twisted about assuming the next step is expected of us? Expected by who's standard standard, exactly?

 

We get asked all the time, now especially approaching the 2 1/2 year mark, what our plans are. Moving in? Getting married?

I need to good reason to do it. Just because someone said so isn't good enough.

 

I've seen way too many people our age take that leap just to have it fall apart. In hindsight they wished they left well enough alone.

 

On the practical side I could retire when my mothers home sells (that could be any minute), and if by either getting married or domestic partnership, S moving in would provide me the medical insurance I would need if I were to retire early.

 

The adjustment to retiring would be huge, add in someone under my roof and together for a great deal of time may too much to handle at once. We wont even mention his mother. . . .

 

But. . then I find myself financially dependent on someone. I was vulnerable and dependent on my ex H. It made leaving very challenging. I swore I would never be in that position again. But I am capable of cutting off my nose, despite my face kinda thing.

 

Time will tell. I am waiting for the answer to show itself. Like a sign in the sky :)

 

I had a long time on and off boyfriend for 7 years before I got back together with my future husband. We'd constantly be asked by strangers, family, friends, acquaintances "so when are you getting married" -I started saying, with a small smile "when the kids are grown" (we had no kids, most people knew this).

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I met a couple who moved into a new housing development 15 years ago. The live at opposite ends of the same street. They've been together for 14 years and never considered moving in with each other. This arrangement works for them.

 

Love it.

 

Reminds me of Woody Allen and Mia Farrow, who famously had apartments opposite each other across Central Park. Yes, I'm aware of the heroic dysfunctions of that particular union, but the basic sketch has always appealed.

 

There are the pieces of building something similar in my own dynamic, or our version. I have a long history of approaching conventional milestones from curious angles, as does she.

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I had a long time on and off boyfriend for 7 years before I got back together with my future husband. We'd constantly be asked by strangers, family, friends, acquaintances "so when are you getting married" -I started saying, with a small smile "when the kids are grown" (we had no kids, most people knew this).

 

perfect answer :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Just returned from our family trip to Cabo. First time there and so much fun.

 

I hadn't been feeling well for a few weeks before I left and after one thing led to another, I found myself sitting in a surgeon's office the afternoon before we flew out.

 

What I orginally thought was the stomach flu almost a month ago ends up being gallstones and pancreatitis. The dr wasnt thrilled that I would still go on my trip but I figured I've been doing this for a month now, what's 4 more days.

 

I didnt feel great the first day. Felt a little irresponsible being in a foreign country with some sort of ticking time bomb going on inside me. But luckily the rest of the time I felt good and as things would have it, it flares back up during our trip back.

 

Here I sit in the hospital on Christmas Eve trying to get my pre op done for surgery next week.

 

I kept saying I wanted to skip Christmas this year, but this isn't exactly how I pictured things. Oh well, that'll teach me.

2d047ee067c602f59cbbde1df793acce.jpg

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Sorry to hear about the health issues. My girlfriend's father had gallstone surgery yesterday afternoon—thought it could be put off a bit, but alas: it flared up. Surgery was successful. Sending all the warm, healing energy your way—not a far commute, for that energy, if I recall you and I living in the same part of the world.

 

I know this is a tough time of year for you. Inhale, exhale—hang in there.

 

Beautiful pic.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 3, post gall bladder removal.

 

Feeling kinda foolish underestimating how difficult recovery would be.

 

So many stories of people who were back to work after three days? Huh? I think they're lying.

 

I'm a believer that alot of it has to do with how you view it. But no matter how much I chat myself up, it still freakin' hurts!!

 

I'm not good a sitting or laying around. It's a beautiful sunny Saturday and here I still sit in my robe. Trying to get the nerve for a shower and getting dressed. No doubt a normal routine will help all this feel somewhat normal.

 

Call me really cranky.

Can't wait til this is behind me.

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I’m a terrible patient as well. I don’t have a lot of patience for boredom. A couple years ago, I turned a simple cold into terrible bronchitis because I refused to rest. I thought I was well enough to walk around outside in 30 degree weather all week. Well, I wasn’t. And that bronchitis sat me the eff down real fast. All the progress I thought I was making by working while I was sick vanished. Nothing got accomplished, I lost even more time on things because the bronchitis required longer recovery, and worst of all, I missed my friend’s wedding, which I REALLY regret, still to this day. So, I hope you stay patient and get the rest that your body is telling you that you need. And I hope you feel better soon!

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S has been taaking care of his parents health issues for the past 14 months. They just left after spending a week during Thanksgiving to return for another week for Christmas. It's taken a toll on him.

Then comes me and my health stuff. How much can this guy take?

 

I've needed some help but at the same time I'm kinda stubborn about people fussing over me. I walk a fine line between letting him help and trying to not burn him out.

 

I've chased him out for a few hours everyday and I don't need him watching me doing absolutely nothing. It seems no matter what, I hurt his feelings.

 

Gall bladder removal used to call for a 2 day hospital stay. Had I been there would he have shared my hospital bed when nothing I do will make me comfortable? If I'm laying on the couch he'll sit on the end which makes me change position to accommodate him. At some I get up to sit in chair. He's the sweetest man in the world but not picking up on queues to what I need to recover.

 

I look for an opportunity to tell him and he looks sad and makes it personal. ` you're getting sick of me arent, you?' I just clam up.

 

I told him yesterday I needed to start doing normal things in order to start feeling normal. I get in trouble for getting a glass of water. I sent him off saying I needed a nap (having not slept well laying on my back the last few nights staring at the ceiling, with him snoring and a restless cat up and off the bed) I tell him I'd come see him later in the day. This seemed like the best way to get control of the situation.

 

Late afternoon, first time out of the house since Thursday, I'm happy to be out. I get to his home he's very quiet,cooks us dinner and at one point I couldn't get out of the recliner chair his mom left behind and he helps me out. The look on his face was that of one he would use for his mom. In that moment I think he saw his mom in me. Helpless, hurting, no longer fun and enjoyable to be around. I ate dinner and decided to go home. He seemed hurt and confused. Again taking it personally. He tried to talk me into staying. I waffled but thought it best to give each other a break. . And sleep alone. I haven't heard a peep from him since 6 last night.

 

No work today. Not being a patient patient

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Ugh - he's making it all about him. My husband can be an annoying patient -wants me to be a mind reader, rambles for dramatic effect (seems like) which makes me think there's something worse going on, understates and overstates so I don't know how he's feeling/what to do. "Man cold" kind of stuff. But I try my best -my utmost -to put my uncomfortable feelings aside, my needing to all of a sudden care for him and our son, etc and do what needs doing. I'm good at giving space. I'm sorry he's not good at this!

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I remember the gall bladder surgery...not nice at all. It took me weeks before I felt anything like myself.

 

Be gentle with yourself, it takes time.

 

I'm sorry to hear that things are going not the best with you and your partner. It's neither one of your faults. Sickness can make it a tough go.

 

Hope you get better soon. :)

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Sitting here in the surgeons office, waiting to get my stitches out.

 

A man about my age is sitting in a chair across the room from me filling out paperwork. He turns them in, comes across the room and sits next to me. Mind you there are 2 dozen other chairs open. 4 in my row. I'm in the 2nd seat and he takes the 3rd. Why? The other 10 seats are empty.

 

Coincidentally at work I get word that our new-er CEO wants new lobby furniture. Specifically, sofas and love seats. I end up having to basically get an appointment with her to explain to her why you typically but individual chairs in a waiting room.

 

People, unless they have a personal relationship with someone do not want to share a love seat or sofa with others. Especially in our industry where visitors are typically there for legal reasons and to participate in depositions. Luckily she heard me.

 

Just having had this conversation out loud at work, imagine my face when the man moves across the empty waiting room to sit in a chair immediately next to me. Hmmm.

 

Just to mess with him I should get up and move. But I won't.

 

Just the random string of thoughts that spin around in my little bored brain while I wait.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am almost giddy with excitement. I started 18 months ago with home equity loan to fix up my tired looking town home.

 

I started with the two upstairs bathrooms. Total remodel for both and one went sideways, had to hire someone to redo it. While trying to find someone who will redo someone else's negligent work I had all the ceilings scraped, textured and the entire house painted. I told them to not bother protecting the (off white) carpet because it was going to be replaced.

 

All this came to a head with my sons wedding, only to return to put my mom in the hospital to unexpectedly lose her 5 weeks later.

 

Most of last year was spent wrapping up her estate and getting her home ready to sell.

I now associate home remodeling with traumatic experiences. Meanwhile I've been making payments on the loan that sits there, unused and I stare at this thrashed carpet and it drives me up a wall. Not to mention the white 12 inch tile that covers my kitchen and dining room floor. I cuss all of them every time I walk in the door.

 

Next week the entire down stairs, including the stairs will be redone with laminate hard wood floors.

I have a little anxiety about it. I have to pack things up this weekend and tolerate things being torn up for 4 days.

Add in I'm still only 75% from my surgery. Any time on my feet, let alone walking and lifting things I end up paying for with a world of hurt. Should it last this long???

 

There's just no easy way to do it. Ugh. Excited and anxious.

Carpet for the upstairs bedrooms next. When? It all depends how traumatic this ends up being.

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  • 1 month later...

OMG, I want to retire. Being that much closer makes coming to work that much harder.

 

I am in a good place financially. I've always been disciplined with money and with my parents trust, it puts me in a good position.

 

We are still trying to sell my mothers home. It's been on the market 9 months and without going into a lot of detail, my mom lived in a retirement co-op. They have these militant by laws that make it close to impossible for seniors to qualify.

 

They had just changed the calculations just about the time my mom passed away. When there were typically 20 units for sale, when we listed there were 120. They've killed their own market and I don't know where So. California you can by real estate that's in a popular beach community and have it depreciate. My mother paid 350K in 2003 and we just lowered it to 339K. Makes my spin.

 

So many of my friends are retiring. Just saw another announcement from one on FB today. I figured out the pattern. Everyone that has bailed while still young (ish) has pensions and benefits. I don't know anyone that's waiting til 62 let alone 67! I can't imagine! It doesn't help that my boyfriend retired at 54. Surfs and golfs almost everyday

 

The sale of my moms home will allow me to pay off my mortgage. I keep getting closer, but not being of age, I don't qualify for medicare. I figure a 3rd of my expenses left will go to private health care insurance. That's a tough pill to swallow.

 

All in all, it doesn't help my attitude. I am burned out, sick of the 12 hour days and the culture in which I work has changed so much I don't have enough work to keep me busy and challenged. My boss is a knucklehead and there is this growing apathy amongst my coworkers. BUT. . .I do have health insurance. That's the one thing that keeps me from walking out the door.

 

So for now, I am taking it one day at a time.

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My perfect boyfriend isn't so perfect.

 

I have this trust for him that I haven't had for any other. He has his own life, as well as do I. We come and go, mention people names sometimes that even after 2 years there are some that each other have never heard of. I have male friends and he has female friends. We aren't perfect, but we are pretty darn good.

 

He leaves his phone in plain sight and it's synced to his ipad. Phone calls, texts show present themselves for full display. I've never had any reason to look or question, until. . .

 

Katy? Who's Katy, Katy that popped up one day last week and then again Sunday night. Sunday while I was helping him make dinner and his ipad was propped up so he could read the recipe.

 

I've never once asked who someone was to him, but my intuition is better than it's ever been in my life and my gut pushed me to ask.

 

Katy. The woman he dated before he met me. It never went anywhere and never got past friendship. Hmmm. Ok, they are `just friends' He had heard a song the other day that reminded him of her and text to her the name of the song.

 

I know him so well. I also know him to often times be overly friendly. Friendly to the point people might question his motives. He's like a kid. Sometimes not aware of how he is perceived. He's that kid who talks to anyone, about any thing. It's what make him endearing, sometimes over the top and every once in while hilariously embarrassing.

 

I know in his world, texting Katy seemed harmless. He volunteered everything without a flicker of hesitation.

 

His explanation - that he never mentioned Katy because she was so far in the past. Hasn't seen her in 2 1/2 years and they reach out to each other just to say hi maybe every few months.

 

But you see, I have people in my past I have dated and I don't reach out them routinely. (maybe if someone's parent passed away or an off-hand random Merry Christmas) But I don't have these so called friends that I dated, that I wouldn't otherwise tell my boyfriend about, because the mere fact I would withhold that information from him suggest they - could be more than just a friend. I know because I have people in my life just like this. I don't routinely engage them for this reason.

 

I know S's friends He knows mine. To me there is a difference.

 

He tells me he hadn't mentioned Katy because it would have been awkward and he didn't want it to create a problem.

 

We've never had this issue come up, so it's not like he's speaking from experience. I pointed out the contradiction and asked him why he'd have such a friend if it `caused a problem'. If she was just a friend then I would of at least heard her name before, right?

 

The fact that it could risk creating an problem, as he put it, suggests she's more than just a friend - I point out to him.

But - she knows of me.

 

He made the mistake of mentioning Katy blocked him occasionally because she had a boyfriend. `Why?' I asked. `Is it because she thought it would be awkward to have someone she dated previously contacting her while she had a boyfriend?'

He got my point.

 

He begins to delete her contact information and I protested. `Look, I said. I am not that girl. I want you to have access to anyone you choose. I just want you to use good judgement. I don't want you to delete her. Not because of this' He still went ahead and did it anyway.

 

~`But how would you feel if I was in routine contact with someone I dated, that you never heard of and text him the name of song I heard when it made me think of him?'

 

He agreed on every level. Not in a `I'll tell her what she wants to hear to make it go stop' way. He understood. He apologized.

 

I was quiet the rest of the evening and choose to put it behind me. The fact I am writing about suggests it isn't all the gone yet. He's never done a single thing to cause me to question his integrity. I choose to look at this as a learning lesson. A re-tweaking of sorts.

 

As luck would have it an ex boyfriend messages me on FB last night. I can always expect little surprise lessons out of no where. I saw it in the moment and waited until this morning just to send an emoji thumbs up response. It just proves that things aren't so black and white. There was a time I would have engaged him. Not in a while and not anymore.

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It really does sound fine to me. An ex I dated a couple of months still contacts me once or twice a year -we are on Linkedin, not Facebook - but he randomly contacted me last week and sent me photos of his appearances on a popular tv show. It was odd. I replied with congrats that he got the gig but did not comment on his appearance, etc. When we correspond on linked in he contacts me and I keep it to inquiring about his family and last time he said his daughter might be looking at a university where we live now -like a small world comment. I never initiate contact and no I don't tell my husband -the contact is rare, it's impersonal and I keep it that way even when I sense he might want to get more personal. I regularly ask about his wife who I've never met but I know she had breast cancer in the last few years so I ask how she's doing etc. My contact makes it very clear that I am not engaging in anything crossing the line. If my husband saw it I'd be fine with it -just like I'd be fine if he was occasionally in contact with someone he dated -it's happened since he dated people he worked with over the years and I am friends in my own right with one of the women -we just saw her. I feel fine about it.

 

And I can see where others might not be. It's tricky and complicated in the sense that it's so individual. I am glad you are feeling better about it!!

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