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>>He calls me yesterday at work to tell me of the before game plan out of courtesy and then shares with me that only one team member has decided to go and it just so happens it's only the two of them that will be getting bite to eat and cruising his neighborhood farmers market. You know where this is going. It's a team member that's a woman.

 

Hey again reinvent, I could be way off about this, but hear me out.

 

I am a bit curious, since he referred to this person as only a "friend," how you found out this friend was a woman? And a gay woman.

 

I am also struggling with the concept that this was a "date-like" event. Grabbing a beer with a friend, at a local farmer's market -- obviously, if two people were out on a date and chose to go there, it would be a "date."

 

But on the other hand, two friends grabbing a beer before a game could be viewed as just that -- two friends grabbing a beer before or after the game.

 

The venue doesn't make a difference imo, it's how they both view what's happening. And in this case, they were two friends grabbing a beer.

 

I am also wondering why, when he referred to this person as a "friend" without providing her name, you didn't just ask, oh who is it? I mean at that point, you didn't know whether it was a he or she, correct?

 

At which point he could have provided her name (or his name had it been a male friend), who she/he is, how long they have been friends, etc.

 

>>He's not playing next Tuesday night so it will be a couple weeks now before this comes up again. It likely won't matter then. But I am pretty sure I will ask him if she has a name.

 

Yeah you could do that or you could avoid the sarcasm by simply asking him what the person's name is. I don't think that is intrusive at all.

 

You're interested in who is friends are, as his girlfriend, that is totally legit.

 

In any event, I am glad you have concluded it's much to do about nothing.

 

How is everything else going? It's been about two years, correct?

I guess the date feeling is because this is the very date thing he and I do. Every time we go he reminds of our first date there.

 

(so many questions, K - hope I can cover them. . lol)

 

I know it's a woman because that's what prompted him to call. Had it been a man, he wouldn't feel he need to give me the `courtesy call' like he did. "Just wanted to let you know. . .etc. "

 

It's not so much why I didn't ask her name, because why volunteer that he isn't attracted to this woman and not even give her a name? If it were a guy from his team, the name wouldn't matter, when I think of it.

 

I just get caught up into why do people do things subconsciously sometimes. Little things are often telling.

 

At which point he could have provided her name (or his name had it been a male friend), who she/he is, how long they have been friends, etc. Because it's what I would have done. Again, a trip up. If I had a new male friend and I felt it warranted a courtesy call that I was going out with him, I'd give a minor detail or two, starting his name. I wouldn't comment about whether or not I was attracted to him because it's not relative given the situation.

 

Again, my little brain is often riddled with `how I would handle things!'. But that's my internal world and it doesn't always sync with others. That's called life. I guess in a relationship you would hope for similar courtesies. And if by chance it falls short, can you speak up about it.. .much like Blues new lady did? Point out the minor difference to see if there is an opportunity for a tweak or two. But is it even necessary in the scope of things? Time will tell.

 

I get this is minor in comparison to more important things. Like I said ~ much to do about nothing.

 

How is everything otherwise? Amazing, easy, uncomplicated . . as he just text me `I love you'

 

I wasn't going to use sarcasm when inquiring, but just inserted that so you could get my tone here.

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(so many questions, K - hope I can cover them. . lol)

 

 

I know, I kinda bombarded you there didn't I.

 

My brain is and has been on total overdrive these past few, so is my body, spinning around, running around, I am a total crazy girl these days.

 

Called doctor today, appointment tomorrow.

 

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to answer and am glad to hear everything is amazing! :D

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I just keep getting stuck on the fact the her name was not mentioned. Just a coincidence or omission? `A friend' is cryptic. Had he said `I am hanging with Suzie' the vibe would be different.

And unlike your situation, I didn't know this friend existed.

 

Why don't you just ask him about her? What's her name? How long has she been playing on the league? Why haven't you told me about her? Are you gonna introduce me (that's the ball-buster, say it with a smile)?

 

It doesn't have to be confrontational. You can be lighthearted about it.

 

Ask what's on your mind. Questions don't equal an attack. Even if your boyfriend does detect some distress on your part, it doesn't mean he'll go off the deep end and accuse you of being *gasp* needy. This is your partner, and a good one of several years. I think he'll be receptive.

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Why don't you just ask him about her? What's her name? How long has she been playing on the league? Why haven't you told me about her? Are you gonna introduce me (that's the ball-buster, say it with a smile)?

 

It doesn't have to be confrontational. You can be lighthearted about it.

 

Ask what's on your mind. Questions don't equal an attack. Even if your boyfriend does detect some distress on your part, it doesn't mean he'll go off the deep end and accuse you of being *gasp* needy. This is your partner, and a good one of several years. I think he'll be receptive.

 

Thanks J. All the above really doesn't apply., honestly. Sorry if my post doesn't properly reflect that.

 

It's not anywhere near a confrontation, not that I would have one. I am neither in distress and asking a simple question doesn't make me needy.

 

I'll ask. When the opportunity presents itself.

But until then I think any further discussion gives it more importance than it deserves.

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Hey again reinvent, happy friday! :D

 

I won't bombard you with questions this time, I promise, I just want to add my two cents re your post above.

 

My take on what J wrote very much aligns with mine.

 

Which is, and this applies to anything really, when your partner shares something with you (like your bf did here), the time to ask about it is right then and there -- NOT in a confrontational way, but as a caring girlfriend who is interested in knowing who is friends are, male or female.

 

IMO, it's a bit late to ask about it now, cause yes I agree with you, asking now would give it more importance than it deserves.

 

But right when it happens? No it's not giving it any type of importance, or being confrontational or needy or any of that, you're simply communicating with your boyfriend.

 

In this case, he mentioned going for beers with a friend. Instead of simply asking in a light-hearted way, innocent way, "oh yeah, who is she, do I know her, what's her name?" or any of the questions Jibralta posted, all of which would open the door for communication, you said nothing, but then became a bit anxious about it, wondering about it, and posted here.

 

Anyway, it's all water under the bridge now, you're over it, that's obvious.

 

I am also not trying to tell you how to conduct your relationship, you know best what's right for you, just food for thought moving forward.

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I think these situations are individual and sometimes hard to navigate. Anyway I would have asked if it was just a two person thing what her deal was (I am the same as you as far as boundaries) and whether gay or straight or experimenting or bi, etc. I would have probably been ok with grabbing a quick social drink or ice cream on the way home. And not a long dinner at a coupley type restaurant. And not as a regular thing. Also if she is gay and she was married or in a relationship that would certainly factor in.

 

I've had this situation come up a few times lately but in every situation it's business related or at least significantly so and I do have to keep my insecurities to myself. In one case it's because the woman is on her third marriage and her first marriage ended because she had an affair with someone else they work with and the second marriage (not to her affair partner, he stayed married) ended pretty quickly with the third following pretty quickly. I've met her a number of time and I don't particularly trust her given her choices. I do trust my husband and that is why I say nothing. He then showed me a photo which was taken during the trip we just got back from -him with a female colleague at a different firm who he sees rarely but emails with for business purposes often. They were standing close together as people of various genders/orientations do for photos in a new place -to get background in ,etc and still I couldn't help but ask "is she married" which is really silly since he'd asked me before we left whether she could join our family for a day of touring given that she came alone (yes I said, no she couldn't make it after all).

 

The "is she married" felt so ridiculous and no I don't ask those questions on any regular basis. I'm going to stop asking that type of question in that type of situation. But again in your type of situation yes I might say "I know it's a social time but I'd feel more comfortable if you limit it to going out when more people are involved" - I mean, if it's only one person, guy or gal then it kind of defeats the purpose of "the team" going out after? Doesn't it sort of?

 

On another note, I met a guy through an online site 15 years ago. We didn't meet in person as it was long distance and then I started dating someone else. We stayed in touch and I actually tried to set him up with my sister but they didn't meet either. Our messages and phone calls were 100% platonic and continued during two-three relationships I was in including with my now husband. Great person. I then moved to a city where he visited often. He asked to meet me in person after I was married as he was going to be in my city meeting a woman through the online site. For their second time meeting I met up with them. It was me, them and my infant in the baby carriage walking around a park. I know, odd, and yes I invited my husband -or he knew he was -and no he wasn't up for coming. But I met this guy twice more - just him, for lunch when he was in town again to see his family. And yes my husband was fine with it. And yes it was 100% platonic. I continue to try to introduce him to nice women. Others might not be comfortable with it of course -it's unusual. It even sounds "bad" when I write it but we're both comfortable with it. Yes, I'd meet him again for lunch the next time he is in town if it works out.

Hope you're feeling better about it. I'm late to the game, pun intended. Happy 4th!

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Thanks Batya.

I didn't further engage this post because I apparently didn't express myself correctly. When the words needy, attack and confrontational got in the mix I realized things were going sideways.

 

Anyway. I try to view things from the opposite angle and I know I would never just announce to my bf that I was doing something date-like (to me) with a man who he'd never even heard of and didn't have a name.

 

Having said that, he wouldn't have a problem with me doing things with my male friends.

He's either heard of them or have met them all. Vice versa.

 

I was just thinking out loud whether or not I should ask the same in return.

I like that you caught that if it was for the benefit of getting the team together that in the end it was just one person.

 

Happy 4th. Thanks for sharing your story

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When the words needy, attack and confrontational got in the mix I realized things were going sideways.

 

Just for the record, I wasn't calling you any of those things. I was in fact clarifying that your questions didn't make you those things.

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I was here an entire year ago complaining about hives. One year later, half the camp says hives. The other half, eczema. I've changed insurance, changed doctors, had biopsies and taken a grueling cocktail of drugs just to be approved for Dupixant. Finally.

 

My case is considered severe. In their own words. It got that bad. At one point it even turned into an infection.

 

I've boo-hooed about it, even though things could be much worse. But it has affected my quality of life in some ways.

 

Even with that, insurance, as a knee jerk response will deny it. Then the fight begins. I leave on a 10 day vacation on Friday. After several phone calls in the last two days, back and forth, the first shot will be delivered to my Dr. Thursday morning!

 

I got news my copay would be through the roof, but I'd give them my first born to make this go away. I decided I wouldn't even flinch at the cost.

 

The young man on the phone telling me my portion is $200 ea and the shots are every two weeks. Yah, my heart sunk at the news. As quickly as he tells me this, he says `it appears you qualify for co-pay assistance' ?? What that is I have no clue, but I didn't ask. He puts me on hold only to come back and say my responsibility is - zero.

 

Not sure who my Secret Santa is, but it's been a long year and I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. Self administered shots no less. :) My doctor asked me how I felt about this. `highly motivated'

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My bf purchased a 30 foot travel trailer about 5 weeks ago. We went on one small maiden voyage to learn the ropes and work out some kinks. We leave Friday for 10 days. Woo hoo! I can't wait.

 

The first leg of the trip is a place 5 hours north of us that we've been to and love. It's a sweet little winery town. What we didn't anticipate is the temps are in the high 90s at the moment. Good thing the trailer has AC. After 3 nights we hit the road again and go further north to yet another well known winery valley and have a river front rv space for 3 nights. The temps are a little lower there, but not much.

 

Day 7 we leave the trailer and drive to another state up north to stay with his best friend and his wife for 2 nights. They have a beautiful home on top of a hill with a couple acres of land. A couple of their sons will be joining us and we'll be going to a blue grass festival in the woods. From there we drive back down to the trailer, stay the night and head home the following day.

 

I spent a couple hours packing last night. I know why I was dreading it, 3 locations, outings and 3 different climates. All the while trying to be disciplined due to space and convenience.

Tonight - grocery shopping.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I need to vet out a small dilemma. (and I promise I won't be defensive :)

 

S and I both have adult sons. S raised his on his own since T was 16. They are very close. Almost more like friends then father/son. T loves spending time with his dad. He calls him several times a day - and I will come right out and say it, T tends to be a little demanding and somewhat on the needy side. This young man is 34, never married. He had a challenging relationship with his mother, who is no longer in his life and it has definitely affected him a variety of ways.

 

He drinks heavily and I suspect he suffers from depression. S's relationship with his son operates under a certain amount of guilt about his childhood.

 

S is a pleaser and struggles with setting limits with his son. T owns his own home but when his father is out of town (which is often) T takes advantage of his dads home and stays there like he's on vacation. He eats all of his food and depletes the alcohol. He entertains girls and has them stay the night.

 

Who am I to say anything, so I don't. Not my house, not my business. But I can tell S struggles with it. He doesn't complain much but I can tell he wants to put some limits on this stuff but hasn't been successful at it. S's demeanor totally shifts when his son is in the same room.

 

Where I come in: T is on his 3rd girlfriend in the last year. T loves to double date with us and while Dad pays for everything, T will intentionally drink enough so he has the excuse to stay the night. I can bet money on it.

 

S's home is very small with one tiny bathroom between the 2 bedrooms and the sleepovers feel more like a slumber party. I have gotten up in the morning to sit with now the third young lady with yesterdays makeup still on. S cooks us all breakfast and then there isn't that moment where T feels he's overstayed his welcome. We can spend the entire following day together. What gets me, is why is this all ok with these young women? I'd be mortified sitting there in last nights clothes with some guys parents. They seem unfazed.

 

I found the opportunity to tell S how I felt about the sleepovers. There has been times we've dodged T and stated we were staying at my home for the night. At the same time I do like T and do want to spend time with him. I certainly don't want to pull S away from his son. My wish is we can spend time together with some healthier boundaries.

 

T has asked us to go the fair Saturday night with he and his new girlfriend. I can bet my paycheck the same routine will happen. I am at my limit with sleepovers and I know by saying anything I am putting S in a difficult spot, trying to please the both of us.

 

I have sons and none of this would be going on. I can see a one-off occasion where one of them had too much to drink and I wanted them to be safe. But the pattern in which T chooses his drinks is a deliberate act in order to not leave. S knows this.

 

A few weeks ago S had a friend in town for the weekend and offered him the other room that T usually uses. I asked S if he considered checking the bedding before his friends arrival. S had been at his parents the week before and his son stayed at his home. S assumed that T would wash the sheets and he hadn't. Up until the moment his friend arrived, I pressed him to check and the sheets were soiled from T's rendezvous from the week before. (Sorry for the TMI but this might paint a better picture of what's going on) They were disgusting. It was such a close call, it makes me shudder. (the washer literally running while his friend walks in the door)

 

S's birthday was a couple weeks ago. S insisted he didn't want anything special seeing his family threw him a party last year. I was schooled that if any of his family reached out to me about his bday, I was too shake them off. We were getting ready to go on a trip and we would celebrate both our birthdays then. Of course I would honor his bday anyway with a quiet dinner out with just the two of us. I assume his son can honor his dad in his own personal way. I know my sons would.

 

T texts me wanting to know what the `celebration plans' where. Following his dad's request I told him there wouldn't be any, but I was taking him to dinner. From that point on S keeps asking me if I have communicated with T and I tell him yes. I tell him the exact nature of our text and at some point I asked S if he wanted his son included in the dinner. Apparently T had been texting his dad fishing around for plans with us. This catches me off guard because I wouldn't expect my sons to included in a bday dinner with my bf, especially when the conditions of `no celebrations' had been given over and over. I am now getting a mixed message. It's S's birthday, he should have this simple wish honored, right? But I sense his reluctance, as if he felt he had too. He so much as agreed he didn't want to include them, but felt he had too. From there he goes on about how I shouldn't buy him a gift because I will likely get stuck with the bill for all of us??? I sit in silence processing this. It makes me uneasy.

How is this at all enjoyable with S worrying about everyone else and doing things out of guilt, I am thinking.

 

My oldest sons bday was only the week prior. 6 of us went to dinner and my son picked up the check, even though it was his bday. Though I wouldn't never expect it, my sons were raised and influenced by their father and their grandfather who believe it to be honorable to fight for the check and not duck and hide from it. It's a well known fact that T is very thrifty and will never pay or contribute for anything. This bothers S.

 

The next couple days pass by and S keeps asking me if I've talked to T. I come right and tell him that if either one of them now wants to turn this into some sort of celebration, they can let me know. But between now and then I can't bring myself to tell a grown man (T) that he'll need to pay for himself and his girlfriend. He should know better. And in all honestly, I couldn't afford it at the moment. I didn't say it

 

The plan was to take S out on a Saturday night for his dinner. His actual birthday was Friday. T and his girlfriend appeared Friday, late, unannounced and proclaiming they were hungry. S had already eaten and they proceeded to sit on his sofa and watch a movie all night. (I was out with some friends celebrating my bday) It was apparent (and S confirms it) that they merely showed up waiting for an opportunity.

 

T and his gf stay the night, S cooks them breakfast and at no time was there any effort to honor his father. I don't think they expected we were going out the following night instead. They stayed the entire following day and at some point S said he needed to get ready to come to my house and left them there to themselves.. .and yes they stayed that night too.

 

I apologized later for maybe overstepping when it came to his son. He totally agreed and said he is working on it. I have seen some change or at least S giving a

lot of thought about this. But any change will be slow coming.

 

So now the weekends here and double date in the works and I literally feel like I want to put my foot down about the sleepover I can bet will happen, but at the same time I could easily be the bad guy here. The rest I can handle, besides that's between him and his son. The sleepovers not so much.

 

Sorry if anyone read this far. . . .needed to get this out.

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Look.... I know that you love S and you want to spend time with him and include each other in your decisions and stuff. But this is now affecting you, too, because you're there. If S has an issue with boundaries and you don't want to step on his toes, perhaps you can remove yourself from the issue altogether. When you learn that T and his gal pal is coming over, simply go home alone. Tell S that it makes you uncomfortable and that you just don't want to be around T once he's been drinking, and that you're saving money for a trip and don't want to try to deduce who will be paying for the evening out.

 

S has issues and he needs to work on them, as you've said, and you also said that he's been doing thinking on it. So maybe you can give the time to do so - without you there.

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Also, can S not simply change his locks, so T doesn't have a working key?

 

Lol. It's not that he doesn't want his son in his home to that extent. It's more about S allowing his son to take advantage it.

 

Yah, I keep walking myself through what it would be like in that moment that I remove myself.

I can't help but think it will be a little too dramatic.

Ill do it, but I will forewarn S prior so he's not surprised.

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Lol. It's not that he doesn't want his son in his home to that extent. It's more about S allowing his son to take advantage it.

 

I guess I don't really see any reason for T to be in S's house for any reason by himself or with a girl, except if he is house-sitting or checking on it for him while S is gone - and then, S should work on ground rules. No one to stay over, T to clean up after himself, etc. But, that's on S. And S should give him a key to do this and then ask for the key back when he's home.

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I guess I don't really see any reason for T to be in S's house for any reason by himself or with a girl, except if he is house-sitting or checking on it for him while S is gone - and then, S should work on ground rules. No one to stay over, T to clean up after himself, etc. But, that's on S. And S should give him a key to do this and then ask for the key back when he's home.

 

Agreed. And that's how my house operates. My boys both have keys, but they are very respectful and don't show up announced and don't go to my house when I am not home. If by chance they need to, they will call me a check with me first. But that rarely happens.

 

S and his son's values are so opposite of mine. That's what I struggle with. It's not my son, not my home and we aren't married. But as you pointed out, it's the sleepovers that include me and I no longer want to be included.

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Yes- so I would do what you planned and not be there. Give a polite advance "warning" "I really look forward to seeing you this weekend. I don't feel comfortable anymore being around when S and his girlfriend are there so how about I come over on ____ after they've gone?"

 

Not the best analogy but the last few years of my FIL's life he treated me very coldly and sometimes worse (no real idea why, it was strange, it fed on itself I guess). I was already an exhausted SAHM so when he would come over to see my son (which I loved -they got along great, such a special relationship!) my husband would stay with his dad and I'd go. I would say hi politely and then leave. My husband was fine with it -gave me a break -and didn't stand on ceremony as in "you have to spend time with my father".

 

So this way you stay out of how he parents his adult child and you're also not the bad guy because you're simply stating the fact of feeling uncomfortable and not putting him to the choice of "your son or me"

 

Good luck. Ick about the sheets.

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Yes- so I would do what you planned and not be there. Give a polite advance "warning" "I really look forward to seeing you this weekend. I don't feel comfortable anymore being around when S and his girlfriend are there so how about I come over on ____ after they've gone?"

The thing is -I look forward to the invitation of walking around the fair with them Saturday night. But the way I anticipate this playing out is after returning, assuming it's late, I'd be excusing myself to go home . .say at 10p.m. leaving the 3 of them at his home for the night. Where as, in the past we would just go to our separate bedrooms.

 

The message will be far from subtle. But I have to be willing to do it.

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